Fic: Almost Dark Again for daphnaea

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Title: Almost Dark Again
Author: paulamcg
Written for: daphnaea
Beta: My incredible ishonn. Thank you so much again for all your… spring buds!
Rating: PG
Prompt: The prompt I claimed was an Order mission (first war), but perhaps this fulfils a bit better the ambiguous request for ambiguity (bonus: some degree of resolution). Someone also receives an owl and received one off-stage.
Summary: December 1979 has defeated Remus to the point of taking up quarters at Sirius’s, whom he can’t expect back from an Order mission yet.





Almost Dark Again





When I wake up on the comfortable couch I’m sweating under the quilt I found in his closet. Perhaps I should have taken off some of my clothes, but at least the fever stopped rising while I was sleeping, and I slept better than ever since… I can’t remember since when. It’s got almost dark again.

He’d left the lights on in the tree, and I decided not to touch them or anything else I wouldn’t need to. Of course, he’s been impatient enough to decorate early and done it with perfect, expensive taste. In the gloom the twinkle of the stars on the branches is clear but subtle, nothing like the blinking of the garish multicoloured garlands adorning the cheap shops, those I hoped could hire me. Oh, a star on the top would be too conventional for him. Perhaps he’s charmed the moon to show the real one’s phases, and I’m not sure how funny or charming that is. At least it’s a waning crescent now. This should be the best part of the month.

I must have closed my eyes again for more than a moment, as now all I can see in the window besides black is the reflection of his stars. An unerring owl’s frantic tapping on the screen has drawn my attention to this picture straight from a dream I’m determined to forget immediately. If this is the beginning of another nightmare, my caricature of a life is getting a bit too repetitive.

After seeing that the letter is in his handwriting – and dated today, not something he’d prepared to be sent in case… I lean my forehead against the glass in relief. Still, I can’t savour the cheerful wishes, the playful questions, the vivid descriptions of any non-confidential details he’s been able to think of. Reassurances that he’s safe and sound. Promises to ask me for a visit as soon as he’s finally back from this prolonged mission. There’s the face of a ghost in front of me, surrounded by darkness. The letter was written to someone who could still feed himself and pay the rent of a room, with a little help from parents, who had not yet been…

He’ll be disappointed with my lack of spirit when he finally returns. At least he won’t have to ever invite me again. Perhaps I’m defeated enough to open his kitchen cupboards without permission, too. It can actually be clever to start preparing a bath first.

If only the water doesn’t end up left running and leaking over onto this luxurious rug. These days I keep forgetting what I’m doing.

Having found the tea, I’m going through his selection of tinned food, wondering if I should start with something gentle, like soup, when I hear the keys. It can’t be him now, but only his best friends also know his personal charms for sealing and unsealing the door. I rush out of the kitchen, not fumbling for my wand, so as to defend myself, any more urgently than I hurry to hide the signs that I’ve come to seek shelter and slept here.

Too slow, with the quilt still pressed against my chest, I watch how my Sirius almost falls through the doorway, then stays with his back against the wall beside it. He’s wearing only thin Muggle garments, no cloak. After the rest it has just enjoyed, my body’s soon quicker than his – or my mind. Without hesitation I’ve taken the few steps and wrapped my arms – and the quilt – around him before he’s properly registered my presence.

He leans on me, presses his cold face to my neck and inhales deeply through his nose. “Oh, God,” he says in a breath out, then draws another shuddering breath in, and continues, “Don’t wake me.”

Perhaps he thinks I’m holding him in a dream. At the end of his nightmare.

I won’t have the strength to hold him standing, or to carry him, if he collapses. Besides, smelling that he’s dirtier than me makes me remember that the hot water will soon flood the floor, so I guide him towards the bathroom.

Here the light switches on magically, as always when anyone enters, and now its yellow warmth brings him closer to his senses. He stares at me through the mirror, until I sit him on the toilet lid and reach to turn off the tap.

“You are here,” he says, first knitting his brows. “What are you doing here?” Now there’s joy in his eyes, while he’s still trembling and pulling the quilt tighter around himself.

I turn away again, looking for the soap. “Giving you a bath.” Then I remember that he’s freezing and I kneel to take off his drenched shoes.

“How did you know?” he asks in awe.

“I didn’t. I prepared it for myself. I mean… I could ask you the same. What are you doing here? In the letter you said you wouldn’t…”

“You got it? Great! I told James to keep kicking me awake so I could finish it on the train. You know, we weren’t in the condition to Apparate, and then I walked…”

This time I manage not to say anything about myself. “But why did you write that…?”

“To gain some time to shape up a bit. To surprise you.”

While peeling the damp clothes off, then my clothes – dryer but not much cleaner – I leave the talking for him. He’ll say that now I can shape him up. I don’t know about that, but I support him and step into the bath with him.

I’ve looked forward to submerging into the water. Without him I’d perhaps forget to keep my head up.

Until I got him back now, I hadn’t touched anyone after being summoned to see… something for the very last time. To see the ancient house, the bare apple trees. Not to take anything with me. Hardly a final memory of caressing their cold cheeks.

But now the bliss of this warmth turns into a womb, and here his body needs mine. I’ll agree to still live, and as fully as possible.

I rub the dirt off his arms; he traces my scars, even the one on my shoulder, and I hardly wince. He can see how much thinner I’ve become, but he’s lost weight as well.

Perhaps later, after making the soup, in the benevolent glow of his moon, I’ll let him know that since a week ago, if I remember correctly, there’s no other home.

Comments

[spacefragments.livejournal.com]

“You got it? Great! I told James to keep kicking me awake so I could finish it on the train. You know, we weren’t in the condition to Apparate, and then I walked…”

Haha, thought that was very funny. Nooo, he couldn't just ask to be shaken (or even pinched), he had to go for the kicking. It's struck me as a very "Sirius and James" thing to do.

Anyway, I always love how you can show such intimacy (like with the bath) while maintaining a low rating. And I'm not always fond of 1st-person POV, but you pulled it off fantastically.

I might go back and re-read it later, I liked this very much.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I’m thrilled that the first public comment on this story starts with laughter and with very funny! While my fiction voice and my Remus’s voice could probably be described as quiet and gentle, I spontaneously chose the kicking detail, and perhaps in this single line I managed to add some contrast to any possibly heartbreaking tone. Perhaps the ”Sirius and James” thing also gave another dimension to Sirius’s character here and to the complex reality I want to hint at.

I’m happy you could see (sense) the intimacy, too. I don’t think I’ve ever written a (conventional) kissing scene, not to mention a sex scene. And for a couple of years now I’ve written all my short pieces in the first person and present tense, even though I know that a lot of readers have a general prejudice against this technique. Thank you for giving a chance to this entry, and for taking the time to praise it.

I hope you’ll enjoy this another time around, too. ishonn said she found new meanings in some details while re-reading.

[cindergal.livejournal.com]

I’ve looked forward to submerging into the water. Without him I’d perhaps forget to keep my head up.

Lovely. I'm glad they have each other to lean on, at least for now.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

When polishing the text I noticed that there was so much of leaning taking place that I actually had to replace the verb “lean” with something almost similar in one sentence. (A bit more ) seriously, I seem to love my Remus and Sirius tired and in need of consolation, and when I write about those slightly less dark times when they have each other, I want to show that each of them can support the other.

It’s wonderful to hear that someone I haven’t met before, too, has enjoyed this piece.

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

He leans on me, presses his cold face to my neck and inhales deeply through his nose. “Oh, God,” he says in a breath out, then draws another shuddering breath in, and continues, “Don’t wake me.”

Perhaps he thinks I’m holding him in a dream. At the end of his nightmare.

*heart breaks just a little bit*


Until I got him back now, I hadn’t touched anyone after being summoned to see… something for the very last time. To see the ancient house, the bare apple trees. Not to take anything with me. Hardly a final memory of caressing their cold cheeks.

*heart shatters entirely*

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I can’t help being happy that I’ve managed to – less and more – break your heart. I’m not too kind to the boys, particularly to Remus, am I? I had written about his parents’ deaths as early as in 2003, and for some reasons I ended up making it impossible for myself to ignore that tragedy in my little gift fic.

[daphnaea.livejournal.com]

What a lovely gift to wake up to! I love the quiet density of this story, how it tells one everything it needs to but is also just a small moment out of a larger story going on all around. It's all very real and immediate, and the ways they show their feelings for each other are charmingly in character. The whole thing is fabulous and powerful. Thank you so much!

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

What a wonderful comment! I’m thrilled this text seems to convey everything that’s needed, so you can enjoy this as a whole while sensing that there is truly something beyond it. I wanted to try something small enough, so I could complete the gift in time. Some readers have told me that even the shortest pieces of my fic give the impression that there are whole lives around the moments I show.

Real and immediate is my ideal. I strive to approach an illusion of reality, and I want to believe that it is possible to take my readers to the time and place to share the character’s immediate experience. As I’ve developed my Remus and Sirius characterization since 2003, without trying to conform with popular fanon (and recently without taking the last two books into consideration at all), I wouldn’t be surprised if I were told that these portrayals are out of character. While I was writing this, both boys simply did what they needed to do, and only after reading your comment do I become fully aware of the fact that they actually show their feelings for each other – to us, too, obviously!

In this case I actually know quite a lot about the parts of the story close around to the moment I show here. Each reader can complete the story differently, and the explanations I can’t resist offering to you are mainly related to the planning process.

I hoped I wouldn’t disappoint you too badly, even though I ended up not including more about an Order mission and not referring to Sirius’s family at all. I picked the prompt with intentions to challenge myself to writing a violent action scene. Then I decided to set this in 1979, so that Regulus would still have been alive (even according to such information from JKR which I’ve ignored in my fanfic so far – while in my version Regulus dies as late as in March 1981), so there could have been some owls from him or about him, from another member of the Black family. I also figured out what Peter and Lily would be up to. And finally I decided to focus on Remus and his interaction with Sirius, so as to make the story concise enough. Avoiding melodrama became a true challenge when my Remus did not agree to ignore the fact that his parents died in December 1979. As early as in 2003 I had included in my chaptered WiP a scene in which he finally, in autumn 1996, returned to the ancient house and remembered how he had buried his parents.

Thank you so much for the heartwarming praise. I’m so glad you liked this that I couldn’t reply without babbling.

[lotrwariorgodss.livejournal.com]

Love the ambiguity of this - I had to read it twice to really appreciate everything. Your imagery is amazing and Remus's emotions are so tangible...it was very touching. Lovely entry!

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for reading – twice! I feel blessed when a piece of my fic is found by someone who takes the trouble to concentrate on it, perhaps also to return to it, and who ends up truly appreciating the whole and each detail I’ve loved crafting. Your praise warms my heart, as I always hope that my words can make everything tangible, so that emotions, too, are not only something named, something abstract.

[taigne.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's really lovely, all the little details, Sirius' decorating and Remus finally giving in now he's got no other choice. I like the tone, so hopeless at first and yet he's doing more than going through the motions and there is a future if he lets Sirius help him by the end.

"But now the bliss of this warmth turns into a womb, and here his body needs mine."

Love this line, such a gorgeous description.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Oh, it’s reassuring to know that the line you quote worked for you. I was afraid it could be too melodramatic. Perhaps this kind of description can work when it’s balanced by the amount of concrete detail in other parts of the little story.

Thank you so much for the praise and for telling me how you felt about Remus’s situation and attitude here. Someone’s said to me that my stories are often about hope in hopeless sort of times.

[brighty18.livejournal.com]

"But now the bliss of this warmth turns into a womb, and here his body needs mine. I’ll agree to still live, and as fully as possible."

Oh, that is just beautiful! I love how loving they are to one another - how geniunely caring. Poor Remus, losing his parents, but at least he has the warmth and comfort of Sirius.

This is so very well-written!

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your beautiful words. I’m thrilled that you, too, liked the womb phrase, and the statement about agreeing to still live, too. I wasn’t sure that this part would work (and not appear as unnecessarily melodramatic) for readers who don’t know that since his early Hogwarts years my Remus has thought about his transformation back to human as renewal, almost as a rebirth in which he accepts the gift of his body back despite the pain (so that the thought here is something natural for him).

I’m happy to know that you enjoyed the way I showed love and caring here. I might not have chosen to write about anyone’s parents’ deaths in my small gift, had I not made my decision about this part of Remus’s life years ago, when writing the early chapters of my chaptered post-OotP story.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I’m so happy you could love my description of R/S interaction despite the lack of kisses.

I wanted to keep this gift small, but it seems that while I try my best not to include any unnecessary words, I easily end up dealing with several issues in my shortest pieces of fic, too. It’s good to know you feel I’ve said a lot.

[anothersaturday.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. This is amazing and moving and so elegantly written, and I love how you've shown their sort of concern for and reliance on one another.

Until I got him back now, I hadn’t touched anyone after being summoned to see… something for the very last time. To see the ancient house, the bare apple trees. Not to take anything with me. Hardly a final memory of caressing their cold cheeks.
So sad, but really beautiful!

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your heartwarming words of praise. The credit for some final touches of elegance here must be given to my amazing beta ishonn, with whom I polished the text.

You’ve now made me wonder whether the sadness and beauty in some of my stories derives essentially from concern and reliance.

Oh… you quote the paragraph which refers to Remus going to bury his parents, after whose deaths he had no right to inherit anything or even to visit his childhood home, and to his isolation after that. I’m thrilled this part could work so well for someone who doesn’t know more about my Remus’s family. After I suddenly came up with the concrete images to include here, I didn’t make any changes and ishonn didn’t suggest any.

[llpotter.livejournal.com]

Oh... oh wow. That was heart-breakingly beautiful. I love how you wove in Remus's parents in such an achingly beautiful and subtle way. Their intimacy is also beautiful. It's a perfect mix of angst and love that suits the time period very well. Excellent!

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you so much for your beautiful words. After realising that in a fic set in this era my Remus could not possibly ignore his parents’ deaths (which I had written about a long time before in other parts of his story), I felt compelled to include this tragedy as subtly as possible, so it wouldn’t all turn into too blatant angst. I’m relieved that readers don’t seem to think that I’ve added unnecessary hardships to his life. It’s also heartwarming to know that you could enjoy R/S intimacy depicted in my subtle ways.

[learningtolove8.livejournal.com]

Wow, this is stunning. I love the dreamlike feel of Remus's thoughts, how disconnected he's become at this point. But everything still has an edge of reality to it, you know?

Just, amazing. I have no other words.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Well, thank you for your amazing words! The tone in my stories has repeatedly been called dreamlike by minnow_53. Perhaps this is, indeed, at least partly due to the fact that my Remus is often – as I’ve written a lot about the Lost Years – detached from any community and even from his own emotions. On the other hand, (perhaps thanks to the supportive childhood environment I gave him – for this purpose) he’s resilient enough hardly ever to stop resisting death, and never to actively seek it. And for him surviving means that he must concentrate on any opportunities to satisfy his basic needs. Besides, my Remus is an artist and can’t help seeing the world through an artist’s eyes, perceiving details in the reality around him sensitively.

Oh, your words are too inspiring. In principle I’d rather not offer my interpretations. Anything totally different a reader (of a single piece of my Remus’s story like this one) comes up with is quite as valid for him or her. Just, thank you again!

[westwardlee.livejournal.com]

I like both first person and present tense - there's something...not fictional about it; it's more real, in a way. It brings the sadness of war closer to us.

This sentence is my favorite here:

I’ve looked forward to submerging into the water. Without him I’d perhaps forget to keep my head up.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I’ve always thought that the first person and present tense can help me approach an illusion of reality, and it’s wonderful to know that a reader – and a writer – like you experienced something not fictional when reading this. I’m glad you don’t seem to have felt that the closeness here led to an uncomfortable level of intimacy.

The line you quoted must be one of my favourites here, too. Perhaps this point in the story is also some kind of a climax. In the whole of my Remus’s story this is – in my interpretation – one of the rare moments when he’s close to not resisting death, and I can’t help being happy with the way I made him state it here. While you may interpret the line differently , I’m thrilled you enjoyed and appreciated it.

[magnetic-pole.livejournal.com]

Lovely. There's something so intimate about this I felt like an intruder, looking in on something not intended for my eyes. Brava! Maggie

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you, first of all, for all the excellent work you’ve done in organizing this exchange, and also for encouraging me not to change my decision to participate this time, after I had enjoyed reading and commenting last year and wished that I’d dared to face a prompt and a deadline, for once. The fic and art posted so far as well as the overall atmosphere have even exceeded my expectations. Yes, exceeded at least the hopes I had for my contribution.

In the end I didn’t need commiserating, whereas I have to admit that ishonn held my hand, when I doubted I could write anything that would fit in. I did succeed in building up another piece of my Remus’s story, and the reception by readers (many of whom have most probably not seen other parts of my fanfic) in this community has been overwhelming.

It’s lovely that you, too, think I’ve somehow succeeded here. Thank you for reading and for posting such a positive comment.

However, I can’t help being a bit sad to hear that you felt like an intruder. While I don’t like talking about the writer’s intentions, I can say that I’ve hoped that my writing would take the readers to share the viewpoint character’s experience – that it would build up such an illusion of truly sharing his experience that the reader would not see with her (an outsider’s) eyes. I’ve hoped the reader would no longer look in but be right there inside the first-person narrator. Perhaps some readers sense my attempts and find them too uncomfortable (perhaps especially when the viewpoint character is experiencing something uncomfortable and a lot worse than that – something painful).

I suppose my way of using the present tense is far from the cinematic writing you describe in your journal. It would be interesting to know what you see in your mind when reading a text like this – whether you see Remus or what he sees.

Don’t you think it’s fair that by using both the first person and present tense I at least warn (as early as in the opening line) that I’ll (try to) take the readers to share someone’s experience intimately? Myself I feel a lot more uncomfortably like an intruder when I’m reading something in past tense and with an omniscient third-person narrator and end up watching private interaction between characters. I also wonder if fewer readers had given a chance to this piece, if I’d done my warning – as I often do – also by writing the summary in the first person and by revealing the first-person and present-tense technique in the title and the lj-cut text, too.

Now I must apologize for babbling, although you can hardly be surprised. This challenge has been an important experience for me. Thank you once again!

[secretsolitaire.livejournal.com]

Lovely, achy fic, and such a beautiful last line.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your lovely comment! I can’t help loving the word “achy” in it, too.

I’m also happy you found the closing line beautiful. The last paragraph just flowed like that, as a single sentence, and ishonn did not think it needed any improvements. I was a bit afraid the last couple of words would sound too melodramatic, so it’s reassuring to hear it all worked for you.

[meghan70.livejournal.com]

this was so beautiful and i love the mention of james. i love the mischief he and sirius get up to. love the closeness of this fic, it feels like looking in on their lives.

also, i've loved your remus fics and have never commented but let me say i've enjoyed them immensely.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for reading and for posting your lovely comment.

I’m glad the mention of James worked for you. After figuring out what each of the Marauders and Lily would be up to in December 1979, I was a bit disappointed when not all of them turned out to have a role in this small story. It seems to have been worth including one reference to James at least, as the line about his kicking Sirius could take the readers’ thoughts to those most famous mischief makers’ friendship.

It’s good to know that you particularly enjoyed the closeness – that you didn’t find it awkward to see the characters’ lives with hardly any distance at all. In fact, I hoped that the first-person-and-present-tense narrator would take my readers to share these moments, to be right there, inside his life, not looking in. It can’t be easy to achieve that, and some readers are bound to feel like intruders in any case.

Finally, thank you for letting me know that this is not the first time you meet my Remus. I’m thrilled you’ve enjoyed some other fics by me so much. This revelation makes me happy to think that there can be more readers lurking out there, loving my Remus, whenever it looks like a story by me has been too unconventional, or lacking in kisses, or something, to get much attention at all. On the other hand, I hope you won’t hesitate to give feedback on anything I’ve written, if you just have a moment for typing a word or two. Although I’m inclined to babbling in my replies, I appreciate the shortest comments, too, e.g. “Enjoyed”, and any new comments on older stories, too, are valuable gifts.

[elsane.livejournal.com]

This is lovely. You strike such a delicate balance, with the deep, genuine care and comfort they share with each other running alongside an underlying core of reserve and pain without remedy.

On a less analytical note, I really liked Sirius' elegant moon-topped Christmas tree; very him, and clever.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your more and less analytical comments!

You’ve made me more aware of what I’ve actually figured out about my Remus and Sirius’s relationship while writing this piece and the most recent instalment of my chaptered story. After Sirius had learnt not to fear skin-to-skin closeness (yes, in my version the boy not used to physical demonstrations of affection was not the werewolf), they could both find consolation in rather unreserved physical contact with each other. Still, it seems Sirius did not quite understand Remus’s needs, while Remus found it hard to admit them to him. It now also makes me wonderfully sad to wonder whether Remus had by this point resigned to living with quite an amount of pain without remedy. In any case I’m glad you think I succeeded in balancing the hurt and the comfort.

It’s also good to know that the description of the decoration could tell you something about a character whom we did not see doing much at the current moment. In fact, I think we could analyse the possible meanings of topping the tree with a crescent moon, but it’s not necessary at all to spell out any interpretations.

[sleeper6.livejournal.com]

You've done a fantastic job of expressing Remus's emotions, the highs and lows.

Oh, and the bath at the end is perfection.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I’m so happy the bath scene satisfied you. One of my last questions to ishonn was whether I should have added some more explicit details to the few paragraphs towards the end, but she told me not to change anything there.

Your lovely comment also shows that there is enough change taking place in Remus’s mind here – that it isn’t throughout all the same hopelessness or the same solace.

[lyras.livejournal.com]

I had to read this twice, too, but it wasn't a hardship. This is so lovely - it feels almost like watching a film, it's so vivid, except that we're too firmly anchored in Remus's thoughts for it to be a film.

Proof that a 'small gift' can be just as meaningful as a bigger (or longer) one. Thank you!

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you – for reading twice, too! I always hope some readers will take the time to either read slowly enough to really read each word – as I write like that, extremely slowly, choosing my words carefully, or at least considering each word in the polishing phase – or to re-read.

I’m excited by the way you compare this to a film – and don’t. I always attempt at a vivid, moving image (just as my Remus, artist in magical painting, does), but my writing must be far from what magnetic_pole (here (http://magnetic-pole.livejournal.com/62105.html)) calls cinematic fanfic technique. Can you tell me whether you feel (almost like) you are watching Remus in Sirius’s flat, or seeing what Remus sees, sharing his mind?

This is my first (seasonal) gift fic (and I’ve declared – in a list of how to know you’re reading a fic by PaulaMcG – that I never write birthday fics or anything to order). I can confess that I felt accomplished when I had (not only avoided contradicting my other fanfic, but) actually managed to respond to a prompt by writing a piece which was, in my view, a meaningful part in the extensive story of my Remus’s life. Perhaps a long fic is not always bigger than a short one. Still, I’ve said this gift is small and humble, and it’s heartwarming to hear that you’ve found it meaningful.

[framlingem.livejournal.com]

Fics like this one make me want to write Remus again. I love the pensiveness, the sharp details amidst the dreamy way you put your sentences together. It's languourous, only colder than languour is usually associated with. (Not cold, maybe. Cool? Slightly chilled?)

I also found humour in the kicking.

That aside, this is just the sort of story I love - things are rotten, have been rotten, and may well be getting more rotten, but for a short time things are all right and there's a bit of light.

Thank you so much for writing it.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you so much! First of all I feel like advising you to read fics like this more often. I’d be thrilled to see your Remus again.

I’m particularly fascinated by what a poet like you has to say about dreaminess in this story: that it’s in the way I put my sentences together. While discussing the text with ishonn I noticed that my attempts at something like the minimal way of showing a vivid scene in the character’s genuine experience had often made me flow from one issue to another without full stops (so that while editing I wondered whether there were too many complex sentences).

I also love your thoughts about the temperature in my writing here. The sharpness of concrete details probably derives from my wish to make the scene real. Perhaps that prevents my character from languishing in some warm haze of the relative comfort(s), and perhaps that’s fitting, because at the moment he possibly needs to be detached enough from his painful recent memories, so that he perceives the details in his surroundings almost coldly. Or perhaps you meant sharpness in some more abstract thoughts, or in thoughts about something that’s not present here.

Finally, it’s good to know that together with some readers I’ve managed to include a hint of humour, too. There’s still some spirit left in these chilled boys, isn’t there?

You know, I’ve kept quoting what you said a long time ago about fics showing hope in hopeless sort of times. Now it’s been rephrased: stories showing what is all right in rotten sort of times. Thank you again!

[mindabbles.livejournal.com]

This is just lovely. Achy and intimate and a feeling of resolution at the end. The touch that Remus seemed afraid of what Sirius would think of him on his return was wonderful and sad. Very nicely done.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I’m glad that my kind of intimacy seems to have worked for you: that our closeness to Remus’s experience didn’t disturb you (too much), and the lack of explicitly shippy interaction wasn’t (too) disappointing. It’s reassuring that you’ve found the bit of resolution requested as well.

Oh, you’ve made me realise what a telling detail it is that Remus thinks Sirius will be disappointed with his lack of spirit. There aren’t many unambiguous thoughts about their relationship, are there? And this one can probably be interpreted in various ways. Perhaps Remus would like to please Sirius, and thinks that Sirius wishes he were stronger and that Sirius can’t understand what the loss of loving parents means. Or whatever… Thank you again for an inspiring comment.

[liseuse.livejournal.com]

I turn away again, looking for the soap. “Giving you a bath.” Then I remember that he’s freezing and I kneel to take off his drenched shoes.

That just hit me in the gut, for some reason. Such a reverential and penitent image, combined with all the dense and loaded references to saving and saviours and need. Just endless, yearning, need. To be honest, I'm a little heartbroken and quieted by this fic.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you. While reading your comment I got tears in my eyes and I cried like I couldn’t remember having cried due to this text after showing it to ishonn. All through the enjoyable editing process and while taking pleasure in replying to the surprisingly numerous and lovely comments I’ve been more detached from the first time I shared these moments with Remus.

I must have cried while writing the story, as I usually do. But you’ve made me more aware of how essentially this is about need, and perhaps my stories usually are. I feel heartbroken now, too, but happily, since I’m sharing it with you, and I can’t help feeling also proud of having quieted a writer like you, for a moment.

[marauder-s-mad.livejournal.com]

Very touching, and well written. I loved it...

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you! A part of the credit must be given to ishonn, who helped me edit the text. I’m happy you liked this little story so much and found it touching.

[l-stone.livejournal.com]

I love your Remus, in this story: his subtle despair, the strength he has to keep on going anyway. How at first, I didn’t realize how depressed he was, even though when I went back and looked at the story again, it seemed obvious to me that this was a particularly tragic Remus. Suddenly all those details leapt out at me: his fever, how he keeps forgetting what he’s doing—even that he would come to stay at Sirius’s place like he does. I think would be very hard for him to do, to admit that he needs someone else’s home, food, quilt, and then to take those things without asking. What really got me was that line at the end: “Without him I’d perhaps forget to keep my head up.” It just really hit me how hopeless he feels. The end was just heartbreaking.

I’ve always assumed that Remus’s parents didn’t survive the first war, but I don’t think I’ve ever read a fic that discusses that event and how Remus would have reacted. It’s very right, I think, for him to make his home with Sirius in reaction. Oh, that would make it so much more painful for him when he thinks Sirius is a traitor.

I loved your Sirius characterization too (putting a moon at the top of his tree! that warms me inside), and the way that he and Remus interact. How Remus calls him “my Sirius.” How Sirius didn’t want Remus to see him before he had a chance to pull himself together, but then was so happy to see him that it didn’t matter what shape he was in (or what shape Remus was in). How he thinks he’s dreaming when Remus hugs him. They just fit so well together. This was one of those stories that reminds me why I love the relationship between Sirius and Remus so much, why I keep on going back to reading them even after long breaks. Even when they are both so weak, they are strong for each other—or maybe it is strong because of each other—or maybe both.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your amazing, heartwarming comment! I’ll treasure all your thoughtful words. I’m thrilled you appreciate my subtle ways of showing Remus’s despair and that you recognized his strength, too. It’s so good to know that you cared to go back, as I’ve been aware all the time that this piece in particular can benefit from re-reading, in addition to benefiting from careful, slow reading (as I assume most of my fic does, because I write so slowly, choosing each word to serve its purpose).

I’m so happy that the line about keeping his head up (while I’m still not sure if it would have been better as holding his head up, or keeping it above the water) worked for you, because it flowed so naturally – from the repeated forgetting and from the reasonable act of taking a bath – to express perhaps in an adequately understated way how close to not resisting death Remus is here. It startled me, too, to finally see how depressed my Remus was as early as in 1979. I’ve often chosen to write about some of the hardest times in his life (still avoiding Halloween 1981 and immediate aftermath, though), but I was not sure at all it was wise to take up his parents’ deaths in this gift fic, because it could have been regarded as unnecessary added tragedy. However, when writing my post-OotP chaptered story, I had as early as 2003 decided that Remus’s parents were murdered by Death Eaters in December 1979, and it seems this was, in Remus’s view, the moment worth showing in a story set in this period.

Thank you for the reassurance that it could serve well the story (this little story, and perhaps my whole story of Remus’s life as well as any version of the Marauders’ story as extrapolated by a reader) to let Remus make his home with Sirius at this point. It seems I managed to portray Sirius, too, somehow vividly enough even before he appeared on the scene – through such a detail as his moon.

Oh – my Sirius! In some of my first-person stories the viewpoint character refrains from thinking about his loved one’s name. Perhaps it’s partly defiance against the (more popular) third-person narrative, in which the writer is forced to repeat the names. Besides, it often feels natural like this, because there can possibly be only one he who deserves the character’s interest. On the other hand, sometimes thinking about the man who’s betrayed or been lost is almost too painful. Here one interpretation could be that Remus is first almost detached from his love for Sirius, but when he sees Sirius he realises that Sirius is actually his, the only true loved-one he has left. I’m making this up now, inspired by your comment. Thank you!

You are also more aware than I’ve been until now of why Sirius wanted Remus to believe that he was not coming home yet – and also why he only a moment later happily accepted the situation and the care offered by Remus. I’m so glad all that worked for you better than I could possibly expect. Even after adding some more information on the contents of the letter, I was afraid it would all be somehow disconcerting.

I’m thrilled that my writing can remind you of what is so extraordinary about Remus and Sirius’s relationship. The point in my post-PoA stories has been that the two damaged men can still support each other – be strong because of each other and for each other. Thank you for confirming to me that in the same way I’ve succeeded in turning these images of almost miserably weak young Remus and Sirius, too, into a hopeful story.

[a-merry-chase.livejournal.com]

Oh. Ohohoh. Now I see. You don't need to put sex in your writing, at least not with a piece like this. The ending contains an eroticism all its own without having to approach anything remotely more detailed.

You know what struck me most about this? The fact that you've managed to convey, without ever coming out and saying it, just how far Remus' neglect of himself has gone. He's breaking apart, mentally and physically.

Not knowing your Remus well enough yet, I'm curious as to why he would so question his welcome in Sirius' flat, if the nature of their relationship is so intimately established already. Is it his own self-doubt that fuels such an odd reticence to rely on the goodwill of others, or is it the nature of his depression over the death of his parents?

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

You are getting overbabbled by me today. I just can’t help it, when I finally have the opportunity to thank you properly for all the wonderful feedback.

It’s reassuring that the ending here turned out erotic enough to satisfy you (as well as, to my surprise, more R/S fans than I dared hope) while I didn’t compromise my style of subtlety. I suppose the pups sharing a bath is not an unusual scenario, but while some familiarity in it could appeal to readers, I perhaps managed to handle it in my characteristic way. I’m also particularly glad that this piece showed to you why I can avoid sex (while writing).

At the same time it’s essential that the eroticism doesn’t overshadow what else this piece is about in addition to (preface to) R/S interaction. It’s good to know I’ve succeeded in conveying something, perhaps in a poignant way, without ever coming out and saying it, and I’m startled when you come out and say it. Perhaps due to identifying with Remus I was never totally aware of his neglecting himself. I could feel something having broken and something breaking apart. And I knew about it, as my post-OotP Remus has remembered it. But here Remus is ignoring – keeps “forgetting” – it so that neither of us was capable of a conscious decision concerning the neglecting.

You also ask a highly important question – the one about questioning! I have to hope it doesn’t look too illogical that Remus questions his welcome and then interacts with Sirius so intimately without more hesitation on either side.

First of all, I wonder whether it is necessary to interpret this story so that the relationship has already been established as such an intimate one – as the single and permanent intimate one – in a mutual unambiguous agreement. Do these scenes leave such a possibility open that both Remus and Sirius have (or at least one of them has) refrained from spelling out – perhaps also failed to figure out – whether they want to live as a couple?

I get the impression that Remus has wished Sirius had invited him more often, perhaps asked him to move in to share the flat. There could be something that has stopped them from making any progress in this respect. I still know too little about young Remus and Sirius. My post-OotP Remus has recently mentioned that James shared the flat with Sirius before getting married in August 1979. I’m not surprised if Remus has enough self-doubts to suspect that Sirius hesitates to share with someone who isn’t known to be engaged to a girl and could also be outed as not fully human. I don’t know if I’ll ever take Sirius’s perspective and confirm what has held him back – whether he just hasn’t realised that Remus wants to live with him.

In any case I think it’s not unlikely that Remus’s reaction to his parents’ deaths is such depression which makes him doubt himself as someone worthy of Sirius’s love (particularly when, due to his part-human status, he’s had major difficulties in starting any kind of a career or even making a meager living, and his parents have been murdered by Death Eaters probably because of their involvement with other part-humans – while the latter fact is not mentioned anywhere outside the chaptered post-OotP story) . Besides, his needing to feel defeated before he can take what he needs from Sirius’s cupboards suggests (to me) that while he perhaps generally dislikes depending on others, he’s been particularly careful that Sirius doesn’t give him something (like home) just because he’s needy but (if such a dream could come true) because he’s Sirius’s true love.

I’m not sure all this makes sense yet, but thanks to your inspiring comments I’ve got a bit further in figuring out what there is behind this story. At the same time, particularly a reader of this single piece alone is not less correct when extrapolating quite differently.

[minnow-53.livejournal.com]

Sorry this is late: I've actually not read any of the Small Gifts fics this year, for various reasons, so this is the first! And now I may go and read the others too, when I have time, as this has whetted my appetite for R/S again.

I feel with this one that you're using Remus to tell a story that isn't the story he wants to tell, or even the main story. Does that make sense? No doubt at some point he'll be ready to make a narrative of how his parents died, the real story, but at the moment he's in a transitional state, and treading very delicately round his own thoughts. I notice someone else has also used the word 'dreamlike', and you do this sort atmospheric story so very well.

Your approach is almost unique in R/S fanfic in that the couple aren't all in all to each other: or rather, you don't imply that love solves everything. Quite the reverse. I think that Remus's tentative approach is achingly realistic, and happy that the story ends on a not-quite-positive but nonetheless hopeful note.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

There’s no need to apologize. I didn’t see you around and I understood you had your reasons, after I’d told you I had chosen my prompts and I was scared, trying to do this for the first time ever, and you’d said you’d be curious to read in the community even though you wouldn’t take part as a writer this time. I admit I felt a bit sad that when I actually managed to do this it seemed to be too late for sharing anything about this experience with you.

I’m so glad if this leads you to enjoy at least reading some more R/S again. You’d still have a lot to offer as a sensitive reader, even in case you don’t want to write in (this) fandom any longer.

What an insightful comment! It’s startling to realise that I am using Remus – when I’ve pretended to take the reader to his genuine perspective – to be him. How can I convincingly tell a story he doesn’t want to tell? I succeed in what I want to do, because I don’t even want to reach any conventional narrative of how Remus’s parents died. (I’m not interested in that now, as I’ve already done that in the post-OotP story – several years ago!)

I originally wanted to just show some interaction between Remus and Sirius around Christmas 1979 (yes, 1979 because in my version there were no Order missions in the previous year yet – and because I first intended to respond to the owl prompt by making Sirius discuss something important with a family member, so I needed all readers to accept that Regulus would still be alive), but I was also looking for a story to tell. And then I remembered that I had already established that my Remus’s parents died in that month, so the change in his life caused by this event became the story which had to be told – regardless of whether my (default) viewpoint character and I really wanted to tell that story. I hesitated, as I thought such a loss could be seen as unnecessary added tragedy and as not entertaining enough a topic for a seasonal gift. But I ended up enjoying the challenge of urging the story out from the depths of Remus’s transitional mind – and contrasting it with the thoughts of and interaction in a romantic relationship which could possibly solve at least something.

I take achingly realistic as great praise. I’m particularly happy that here the dreamlike is combined with this kind of realism, which is not only about the concrete details in the living conditions or something but in Remus’s approach to the relationship. I’d guess that my characters, too, would like to believe in love’s ability to solve everything. But perhaps in this situation Remus is disillusioned enough.

You make me only happier by pointing out that unconventional trait in my style of R/S stories. I have enough experience or at least suspicions that unique approaches can scare readers off. But this story turned out more popular than I ever dared hope, and I can still hope that someday I’ll reach the second page of comments here. Of course, increasing the number of comments by one wasn’t the only thing I had in mind when I kept hoping you’d still come to read this story. And you exceeded my expectations once again – and I ended up making another terribly long thank-you note. Well, thank you so much.