Fic: Don't Let Us Disappear for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lotrwariorgodss
Nov. 29th, 2009 01:01 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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small_giftsTitle: Don’t Let Us Disappear
Author:maraudersaffair
Recipient:lotrwariorgodss
Rating: NC-17
Highlight for Warnings: *Sex, angst *
Word Count: 1,420
Summary:lotrwariorgodss asked for “Christmastime before that Halloween - the boys decide a get-away is the best way to repair their floundering relationship.”
Author's notes: A great thanks to my wonderful beta,marauderswolf! lotrwariorgodss, I think I strayed a bit from your prompt, but I hope you enjoy your gift nonetheless. Happy Holidays!
.::.
I watch him lay there against the sheets, his black hair crumpled over the creased shadows of the bedding. His breathing is calm within its quietness, his full lips parted slightly in a sleeping pose. Through the darkness, I can feel the warmth of his body against my own, and I know that I am not alone.
It is easy for me to close my eyes and place my hand against his chest, imagining that the world revolves around the rhythmic heartbeat I feel against my fingers. I wish my world was measured, so that I could predict the next beat and movement. I wish there was nothing volatile and destructive, only reliability and trust. I trust the heart I feel against my hand because it is the only thing I understand in my world.
My throat constricts with salty emotion and I am forced to tear my gaze away from his graceful form. Touching him does give me a sensation of divinity. I have never been a religious person, but I find myself mulling over the concept of celestial intervention when I experience what Sirius evokes within me. Every time I face the possibility of my own death, I think only of him. If I died, I do not know how I would be able to survive the afterlife knowing that I caused him such pain.
Running my hand down his chest, I lower myself to lie against him, my hand resting on the small of his stomach. I drag my fingers through the dark hair I find there and bury my nose against his shoulder. I allow myself to taste his skin with open mouth kisses, my tongue sliding over his pale flesh stretched tight against the muscle. He mumbles something incoherently, the wet sound of his throat working down saliva endearing.
“Happy Christmas,” I whisper almost soundlessly and slip my fingers under the waistband of his pants because it thrills me in a consoling way. God, if only he knew how much I want him for the second time tonight.
.::.
The sound of my panting rings loudly through the murky darkness, the outlines of trees like solitary observers rooted motionlessly. The air is so very still, the harsh movement of my trembling body seemingly deadly within the ominous silence of the forest. Where are all the animals and insects that occupy this land? Where are my comrades? My anxious thoughts fall on Sirius and an icy hand squeezes hard at my insides. He should be here by now. They should all be here by now.
“Moony.”
I turn and see him standing there in the silence, my eyes creating light around his head that does not exist. I blink and watch as the light fades away. A pressure within my chest hardens when he takes a step forward. I feel unbalanced without the light.
“Where are the rest?”
He breathes deeply before answering. “They aren’t coming.”
“Why?”
He looks down at the ground, escaping my pleading gaze. “Because they don’t trust you.”
“Why?”
He shuffles his feet and buries his hands inside his pockets. “Because of the werewolves.”
“But—I’m doing all that for Dumbledore. Everyone knows that.” I hear the desperation within my own voice.
For a brief moment Sirius appears as if he is going to cry, and I blink, watching as his features contort in misery. It has been a very long time since I have seen him cry, at least openly. There were those times after he had first ran away from home when I heard hushed sobs coming from his bed through the dark silence of the night.
He shuffles some more. “Well—I didn’t want to leave you out here. No one should be alone on Christmas Eve.”
Embarrassment floods my cheeks. “I wouldn’t have been alone. I have some place to go, I do.”
He sighs loudly and rubs at his face with hard fingers. “Moony—” He pauses to clasp a hand behind his neck “—when did this happen?” His other hand flutters about himself.
“I don’t know,” I say quietly, mostly to myself. I draw my eyes to the ground and wish for the pits of dirt to swallow me whole. This is the conversation I have been dreading for months. I honestly do not know what happened—war happened, I suppose. With war came all the mistrust and hostility. It was easier for everyone to distance themselves. We had more important matters on our minds.
“Remus,” he says, his voice thick with emotion. “I got you a present, if that’s all right.”
I am silent as he retrieves a small envelope from his cloak. His fingers brush against mine as he hands it to me. My hand trembles horribly as I tear it open. Inside is a photograph of the Marauders from our younger days. It must have been taken only three years ago. I look incredibly happy, and it is hard for me to look knowing my life is so completely different now. On the back of the photograph, Sirius has scribbled, “Don’t let this disappear. Don’t let us disappear. Happy Christmas.”
My throat constricts and I look at him in amazement. “I didn’t get you anything.”
He shrugs. “Seeing you is my present.” He swallows deeply. “I’ve missed you so much, Moony. I was ecstatic when the Order decided to meet on Christmas Eve because it meant I had a chance of spending the holiday with you.”
I drop to my knees because it is my only answer. His form tenses slightly, almost indiscernibly. I hear his breathing quicken as I shuffle closer. My knees ache a bit against the rocky ground, but the pain is forgotten when I place my hands against his thighs. The warmth of his body seeps through the fabric to my palms. I work the taut muscles slowly with my fingertips in soothing motions.
His breath teeters between panting and choking, his lips pressed tightly together as if he means not make any sound at all. Air wheezes through his nose loudly, his cheeks puffing slightly with pressure. His eyes darken heavily as he stares down at me, the gray more like the colour of the blue clouds against the midnight sky.
“I missed you as well,” I whisper, and our hands collide as we both reach for the buttons of his trousers. He allows his cloak to slip down his shoulders as I roll his trousers down with his pants, the feel of his warm skin against my hands euphoric.
I rest my cheek against his thigh, nuzzling the flesh as I run my fingers through the dark hair I find there. Shifting, I mouth hot kisses up to his bellybutton, my tongue dipping along the skin of his stomach, tickling the sensitive spot. I feel his cock jump against my chin, and a guttural sound escapes his throat.
“Remus,” he whispers, twisting both hands into my hair. He lowers us to the ground, his knees resting on either side of my head. His trousers rest heavily against my throat and my excitement is overwhelming as I struggle a fraction to breathe.
He immobilises my head within his grasp as he leans forward and directs his cock to my mouth. I relax my lips and throat in anticipation and shudder when I am rewarded. I lick the underside of his cock, the movement of my tongue with my mouth full. I feel saliva escape the corners of my lips and drip down my chin.
I know it will not take him long as his thighs begin to tremble against my shoulders. His thrusts quicken and deepen, incoherent sounds falling from his lips. I gag a bit as he thrusts hard, one—two—three times and comes with a powerful shudder, his hands quivering against my head.
Leaning upward, I allow his come to drip from my mouth and he kisses me hungrily.
“Let’s continue this elsewhere,” he murmurs, his fingers caressing my cheek.
“All right,” I say, kissing his wrist.
I take the hand he offers and we Apparate to my flat. A silent thrill runs through me at the thought of us being together on Christmas. For one day we will be free to be ourselves and to forget about the war.
****
Author:
maraudersaffairRecipient:
lotrwariorgodssRating: NC-17
Highlight for Warnings: *Sex, angst *
Word Count: 1,420
Summary:
lotrwariorgodss asked for “Christmastime before that Halloween - the boys decide a get-away is the best way to repair their floundering relationship.”Author's notes: A great thanks to my wonderful beta,
marauderswolf! lotrwariorgodss, I think I strayed a bit from your prompt, but I hope you enjoy your gift nonetheless. Happy Holidays!I watch him lay there against the sheets, his black hair crumpled over the creased shadows of the bedding. His breathing is calm within its quietness, his full lips parted slightly in a sleeping pose. Through the darkness, I can feel the warmth of his body against my own, and I know that I am not alone.
It is easy for me to close my eyes and place my hand against his chest, imagining that the world revolves around the rhythmic heartbeat I feel against my fingers. I wish my world was measured, so that I could predict the next beat and movement. I wish there was nothing volatile and destructive, only reliability and trust. I trust the heart I feel against my hand because it is the only thing I understand in my world.
My throat constricts with salty emotion and I am forced to tear my gaze away from his graceful form. Touching him does give me a sensation of divinity. I have never been a religious person, but I find myself mulling over the concept of celestial intervention when I experience what Sirius evokes within me. Every time I face the possibility of my own death, I think only of him. If I died, I do not know how I would be able to survive the afterlife knowing that I caused him such pain.
Running my hand down his chest, I lower myself to lie against him, my hand resting on the small of his stomach. I drag my fingers through the dark hair I find there and bury my nose against his shoulder. I allow myself to taste his skin with open mouth kisses, my tongue sliding over his pale flesh stretched tight against the muscle. He mumbles something incoherently, the wet sound of his throat working down saliva endearing.
“Happy Christmas,” I whisper almost soundlessly and slip my fingers under the waistband of his pants because it thrills me in a consoling way. God, if only he knew how much I want him for the second time tonight.
The sound of my panting rings loudly through the murky darkness, the outlines of trees like solitary observers rooted motionlessly. The air is so very still, the harsh movement of my trembling body seemingly deadly within the ominous silence of the forest. Where are all the animals and insects that occupy this land? Where are my comrades? My anxious thoughts fall on Sirius and an icy hand squeezes hard at my insides. He should be here by now. They should all be here by now.
“Moony.”
I turn and see him standing there in the silence, my eyes creating light around his head that does not exist. I blink and watch as the light fades away. A pressure within my chest hardens when he takes a step forward. I feel unbalanced without the light.
“Where are the rest?”
He breathes deeply before answering. “They aren’t coming.”
“Why?”
He looks down at the ground, escaping my pleading gaze. “Because they don’t trust you.”
“Why?”
He shuffles his feet and buries his hands inside his pockets. “Because of the werewolves.”
“But—I’m doing all that for Dumbledore. Everyone knows that.” I hear the desperation within my own voice.
For a brief moment Sirius appears as if he is going to cry, and I blink, watching as his features contort in misery. It has been a very long time since I have seen him cry, at least openly. There were those times after he had first ran away from home when I heard hushed sobs coming from his bed through the dark silence of the night.
He shuffles some more. “Well—I didn’t want to leave you out here. No one should be alone on Christmas Eve.”
Embarrassment floods my cheeks. “I wouldn’t have been alone. I have some place to go, I do.”
He sighs loudly and rubs at his face with hard fingers. “Moony—” He pauses to clasp a hand behind his neck “—when did this happen?” His other hand flutters about himself.
“I don’t know,” I say quietly, mostly to myself. I draw my eyes to the ground and wish for the pits of dirt to swallow me whole. This is the conversation I have been dreading for months. I honestly do not know what happened—war happened, I suppose. With war came all the mistrust and hostility. It was easier for everyone to distance themselves. We had more important matters on our minds.
“Remus,” he says, his voice thick with emotion. “I got you a present, if that’s all right.”
I am silent as he retrieves a small envelope from his cloak. His fingers brush against mine as he hands it to me. My hand trembles horribly as I tear it open. Inside is a photograph of the Marauders from our younger days. It must have been taken only three years ago. I look incredibly happy, and it is hard for me to look knowing my life is so completely different now. On the back of the photograph, Sirius has scribbled, “Don’t let this disappear. Don’t let us disappear. Happy Christmas.”
My throat constricts and I look at him in amazement. “I didn’t get you anything.”
He shrugs. “Seeing you is my present.” He swallows deeply. “I’ve missed you so much, Moony. I was ecstatic when the Order decided to meet on Christmas Eve because it meant I had a chance of spending the holiday with you.”
I drop to my knees because it is my only answer. His form tenses slightly, almost indiscernibly. I hear his breathing quicken as I shuffle closer. My knees ache a bit against the rocky ground, but the pain is forgotten when I place my hands against his thighs. The warmth of his body seeps through the fabric to my palms. I work the taut muscles slowly with my fingertips in soothing motions.
His breath teeters between panting and choking, his lips pressed tightly together as if he means not make any sound at all. Air wheezes through his nose loudly, his cheeks puffing slightly with pressure. His eyes darken heavily as he stares down at me, the gray more like the colour of the blue clouds against the midnight sky.
“I missed you as well,” I whisper, and our hands collide as we both reach for the buttons of his trousers. He allows his cloak to slip down his shoulders as I roll his trousers down with his pants, the feel of his warm skin against my hands euphoric.
I rest my cheek against his thigh, nuzzling the flesh as I run my fingers through the dark hair I find there. Shifting, I mouth hot kisses up to his bellybutton, my tongue dipping along the skin of his stomach, tickling the sensitive spot. I feel his cock jump against my chin, and a guttural sound escapes his throat.
“Remus,” he whispers, twisting both hands into my hair. He lowers us to the ground, his knees resting on either side of my head. His trousers rest heavily against my throat and my excitement is overwhelming as I struggle a fraction to breathe.
He immobilises my head within his grasp as he leans forward and directs his cock to my mouth. I relax my lips and throat in anticipation and shudder when I am rewarded. I lick the underside of his cock, the movement of my tongue with my mouth full. I feel saliva escape the corners of my lips and drip down my chin.
I know it will not take him long as his thighs begin to tremble against my shoulders. His thrusts quicken and deepen, incoherent sounds falling from his lips. I gag a bit as he thrusts hard, one—two—three times and comes with a powerful shudder, his hands quivering against my head.
Leaning upward, I allow his come to drip from my mouth and he kisses me hungrily.
“Let’s continue this elsewhere,” he murmurs, his fingers caressing my cheek.
“All right,” I say, kissing his wrist.
I take the hand he offers and we Apparate to my flat. A silent thrill runs through me at the thought of us being together on Christmas. For one day we will be free to be ourselves and to forget about the war.
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no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 06:05 pm (UTC)He breathes deeply before answering. “They aren’t coming.”
“Why?”
He looks down at the ground, escaping my pleading gaze. “Because they don’t trust you.”
“Why?”
He shuffles his feet and buries his hands inside his pockets. “Because of the werewolves.”
oh my god, this broke my heart ;-; poor Remus, poor Sirius
no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 07:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 06:28 pm (UTC)This is a fantastic gift - thank you so much,
no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 07:38 pm (UTC)I'm so glad you enjoyed the story for their struggle to hold onto one another. That's mainly what I was going for.
Happy Holidays! :D
no subject
Date: 2009-12-09 04:35 pm (UTC)YES YES YES. This is what I was going to say, albeit with less coherence, so I decided to just quote the source. This, for me, was what made the story work and what made it so heartbreaking.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 06:36 pm (UTC)Don't Let Us Disappear
Date: 2009-12-07 07:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 07:00 pm (UTC)Don't Let Us Disappear
Date: 2009-12-07 07:43 pm (UTC)Thank you for commenting!
no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 07:28 pm (UTC)And really, really hot.
Don't Let Us Disappear
Date: 2009-12-07 07:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 07:36 pm (UTC)I kept reading line after line and wanting to quote it back to you, for it was all so indescribably lovely. Your writing is so evocative and poetic, the reader could just feel the love and beauty of the situation.
In addition to lovely, it was loving, and I adore you for the poignant beauty of your take on the situation. Of course Remus would neither know nor understand. Of course he would be horrified and confused. But I love the fact that Sirius still loved him - wanted to trust him - and was unwilling to leave him. In fact, that is very, very much how I imagine it. Yes, he eventually switched Secret Keepers, but, perhaps ONLY because he knew that, if anyone could break him, it would be Remus. Still, I cannot imagine too much distrust between the two because they knew each other so well and loved each other so much.
The photograph broke my heart. As did the entire piece. Even the sex had a poignant beauty in Remus' utter need to please and to love.
Gorgeous!
no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 07:49 pm (UTC)I don't have words to express how much I appreciate your commentary! I really did try to go for a poetic feel to my writing in this story, and I'm so glad you picked up on it and enjoyed it. :D
I think they both feel the mistrust between them and this is the point where they try to hold on to their relationship despite everything going on in their world.
Yes, he eventually switched Secret Keepers, but, perhaps ONLY because he knew that, if anyone could break him, it would be Remus.
GAWD. SO TRUE.
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! :D
Don't Let Us Disappear
Date: 2009-12-07 10:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 11:23 pm (UTC)Don't Let Us Disappear
Date: 2009-12-07 11:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 11:49 pm (UTC)The poor pups :(
Don't Let Us Disappear
Date: 2009-12-07 11:55 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading!
no subject
Date: 2009-12-08 02:50 am (UTC)Don't Let Us Disappear
Date: 2009-12-08 03:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-08 06:37 am (UTC)Lovely, I really enjoyed it! ♥
Don't Let Us Disappear
Date: 2009-12-18 06:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-08 06:07 pm (UTC)Don't Let Us Disappear
Date: 2009-12-18 06:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-09 02:46 am (UTC)An you left them with Christmas, at least. Sob!
I take the hand he offers and we Apparate to my flat. A silent thrill runs through me at the thought of us being together on Christmas. For one day we will be free to be ourselves and to forget about the war.
Don't Let Us Disappear
Date: 2009-12-18 06:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-09 09:46 pm (UTC)The first part was so beautiful, but it didn't warn of what was coming in the second part, which makes it (upon rereading) even more poignant and powerful and sad. The whole thing is so desperate. You can feel them trying to hold on to what they had and what little they have left.
I suppose bright and Christmasy and fluffy would have been nice, but I suppose this is more realistic... and frightening because it might have been like that. So very well done.
Don't Let Us Disappear
Date: 2009-12-18 06:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-09 02:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-09 06:52 pm (UTC)