Fic: Sounds of the Season (for thescarletwoman)

[lorax.livejournal.com]

Title: Sounds of the Season
Author: sullensiren (sullensiren(at)gmail(dot)com)
Written for: thescarletwoman
Rating: PG-13
Prompt: "Pranks involving mistletoe or other holiday traditions."
Summary: The twelve pranks of Christmas, and James has his hands full with pranks and matchmaking.


Sounds of the Season
“I have done with match-making indeed."
-- Jane Austen, Emma

The Unexpected

James dropped bonelessly across his bunk and grinned, wide and self-satisfied as Peter stood nervously beside the bedposts, levitating various trunks and furniture in front of the door to barricade it. From downstairs, the dulcet sounds of a common room full of murderous classmates could be heard. From among the myriad of sounds, it was easy enough to pick out the words "Black", "Potter", and "BLOODY PRANKS".

Remus winced as he sat down beside the sprawled James. "We're going to be dodging hexes for weeks," he muttered, looking worried. James could see the hint of a smile playing around his lips though, amidst the worrying. Moony was full of it. He liked doing this shite as much as they did.

Sirius whooped as the door shuddered, Peter's barricade thankfully holding steady. "Did you see Meadowes' head? SNAKES all over it. She's probably turning blokes to stone now. Not going to be after me for a snog any time soon, I bet." Sirius managed to sound delighted by that, and Remus winced a little. Well. Maybe Moony didn't like it quite as much as they did, James silently amended.

"It's their own bloody fault for not paying attention. It's April Fool's pranks. They should have been prepared," James informed them blithely.

Peter gave up on trying to move the large wardrobe in the corner and plopped to sit on the edge of James' bed, managing to kick him in the shin in the process. Luckily, James was feeling too magnanimous in post-prank bliss to kick back. "But it's. . . not actually April 1st. It's October. . ."

"We changed the calendars," Sirius pointed out.

"And charmed the telescopes in the Tower to all read the stars for April instead," James agreed.

"Really, they were just asking for it," Sirius finished.

James nodded in agreement and then grunted as Sirius flung himself onto the bed, crowding between him and Remus, nearly knocking Moony off and pressing a bony knee into James' hip.

"Shove over," James ordered, to no avail. Remus rolled his eyes and flushed a little, getting up and moving to sink down on his own bed instead. James frowned to himself - he really was a bit tired of the two of them being odd. The thing with Snivellus and the Shack was AGES ago. There was no need to interrupt a good prank-glow for it. Prank-glow was better than sex.

Or so he assumed.

"It was brilliant. Next year will be bloody epic," Sirius decreed.

Remus picked up the book beside his bed, laying it primly over his lap and looked at Sirius. "Maybe next year it will actually take place in April?" He winced as someone shoved at the blocked door, and cast another locking charm quickly.

"Not bloody likely. McGonagall said she's putting us in automatic detention next April," James said. "With Sluggy."

Sirius winced. "Sod that. I always swear the pervy old goat is about to grab my arse. Not that I'd blame him, but still. I don't want some bloated old bloke pawing at me."

Remus frowned. "He doesn't want to grab your. . . anything of yours. He just wants-"

"To get Sirius to join his CULT," James said. He'd read about cults last summer when his mum said all those American hippies who wore tie-dye and rode in buses were in one. Remus rolled his eyes but didn't argue, which James felt was a victory anyway.

Sirius grunted. "Sod cults. He wants to grab my arse. Ought to be hexed into next week." He rolled over to smack himself on the anatomy under discussion, and James punched him on one cheek to try to discourage him from flashing his arse around. It never worked, but he'd continue trying. At least he wasn't naked at the moment. James' mind was still scarred from last term when Sirius lost a bet and had to fly an entire Quidditch practice starkers. There were some things you didn't want a clear view of bouncing about while you were on a broom, really.

Remus flushed and looked away from Sirius' display. Probably as afraid of the threat of nudity as James was. Remus had walked into the stadium halfway through that practice after all. (Largely because James had told him to come down since he didn't think it was fair to have to suffer alone.) James gave Sirius another shove over and then got back to the topic at hand. "So next year needs to be bloody epic!"

"And not in April," Peter agreed, frowning. "Did she really say we had detention automatically? I can't take a whole bloody month of lines. My hand will fall off."

"Which will make your cock really blood lonely," Sirius pointed out cheerfully. "Not in April then."

"Christmas hols?" Remus suggested hopefully. James gave him a sour look, and felt Sirius doing the same - they weren't firsties, they knew Remus was just trying to bring down the casualty count, since no one was about over the hols, hardly. Remus had the grace to look ashamed. "I just thought. . . Christmas themed would be different," he said weakly.

Christmas themed.

James blinked, considering. "Well there's-"

"Mistletoe," Sirius finished.

"Eggnog - easy to spike - I mean who can tell the bloody difference when you're swilling down eggs?" James said. It had potential. . . if you ignored the bit about how no one would be there.

"Could just. . . not do it at Christmas?" Peter suggested.

"Christmas in June - one last big hurrah send off before we finish out the year!" James could see it. Charm the Great Hall to snow. Set up trees. . . mistletoe where Evans would go with a sticking charm so she HAD to snog him or be stuck there for ages. He heard a distinct groan and shot Remus a look. "What?"

"It will be almost NEWT's! When are we going to have time to set up a bloody fake Christmas, JUST so we can prank people?" Remus asked.

"Don't be such a. . . whatsit? Scoob?"

"Scrooge," Remus corrected Sirius.

"Scrooge," Sirius said, grinning and pushing up from James' bed, dropping down next to Moony and draping an arm across his shoulders. Remus hugged the book to his lap and squirmed away. James saw Sirius' expression flicker a little and resolved, once again, that they were going to get over this shite. It was bloody boring by now. "Come on Moony - you know it'll be brilliant. Last great year for us, before we run out into the world, yeah?"

Remus hesitated and then looked at James. James grinned helpfully, putting on his Most Appealing Smile - which his mum said was irresistible and didn't understand how that girl he fancied didn't just want to pinch his cheeks. James didn't particularly want Lily to pinch anything, but still. It was his best smile.

Remus didn't look particularly swayed, but Sirius squeezed his shoulders again, and Peter smiled too, though he looked nervous. James thought Peter usually looked nervous. It was the rat in him, he was pretty sure. James loved the bloke but once in a while he just wanted to drop him in a room full of cats and watch what happened. Moony sighed. Again. James recognized that sigh. It was a flag of defeat, that sigh. James thought that Moony mostly just had to put up some kind of token protest or he thought they might all do something daft like run off a rooftop or something. (Which they wouldn't do. Once was enough and Sirius was bloody slow with a levitating charm.) "Beginning of the school year? So it's not right by NEWTs? It can be. . . the twelve days of Christmas. In August."

"I can never remember that song," Peter commented.

Sirius snorted. "No one can."

Remus peeked up from where he'd been studiously staring at the bedspread and grinned a little. "They will when we're done."

Sirius gave a startled laugh and James grinned. "Right, so we should start planning. . ."

"You want to start planning. Ahead of time? Who are you, and what closet did you lock the real James Potter in?" Remus asked.

"It has to be PERFECT. It's our last year!" Sirius answered for James, which just saved him the trouble since the deep, angry shudder of the door behind the wardrobe Peter had moved drew his attention. He heard Kingsley Shacklebolt's distinct baritone. It didn't sound happy. Sirius winced. "Ermm. . . well maybe plan later."

"Hide now," James finished, digging out the cloak. "Come on then, Shacklebolt will probably pound a huge bloody fist through the door at any moment."

"We don't all FIT," Remus protested, a bit thinly.

"Pete can go rat. Go on, hurry up about it," Sirius ordered. Peter sighed theatrically and muttered something about bloody Black wankers, but a moment later he was rat-sized and scurrying up Sirius' to tunnel into his pocket as James threw the cloak over the three of them - just in time as the door crashed open, Kingsley - skin dyed entirely fuchsia and wearing a cake on his head - standing side by side with Dorcas Meadowes, whose snakes were hissing in irritation. James really bloody hoped that snakes had lousy senses of smell as the three of them tried to shuffle out of the way.

*************

Partridges and Pear Trees

"Do you have ANY IDEA how bloody hard it was to sneak pears onto the breakfast tray?" James said. Around the Great Hall, a few dozen new trees had sprouted, badly transfigured wings adorning the backs of the students who'd been unfortunate enough to want a pear with their breakfast.

Fenwick, who was allergic to pears, the wanker, snorted. "Right. Hard. Just walk in and hand them to the elves and tell them to."

James shot him a irritated look. The bloke had a point, but that was only because Sirius had done it, and Sirius was used to bossing house elves about or something, since they always hopped to when he said to do something. When James tried it they got all stuttery and had to ask McGonagall first and he felt like he'd kicked them in the jimmies just by asking, since they got all. . . worried looking.

Sirius threw Fenwick an equally annoyed look and then caught James around the shoulder, steering him to a relatively private corner. From atop the nearest tree, Lestrange shouted something threatening that was hard to hear through the beak. James still regretted that Remus had talked them out of having them actually properly atop the trees. As in having a tree top shoved up their arse. If anyone deserved pine needles to the rear, it was Lestrange. "There's good news, and bad news," Sirius informed him.

He looked like he was smirking. That wasn't always a good sign. James narrowed his eyes. "What?"

"Good news is - we got all the mistletoe up," Sirius informed him. "Works brilliantly - it caught McGongall on her way into the hall."

James was probably going to pay for this for the rest of his life, but he still had to ask. "Caught her with who?"

Sirius grinned widely. "Flitwick. She practically had to bloody kneel."

James thought it was probable he only had about five minutes to live, but that was a brilliant note to die on. "Bad news."

"Yeah . . . turns out Evans likes pears, and even though we kept them off her table, she nipped one from the Ravenclaws and was nibbling on the way back to the Tower. . . she looked brassed."

James groaned. "Alright, rest of the time - Wormtail's on Evans' watch."

*************

Turtledoves

"The doves don't LIKE me," Remus held up his hands - which were admittedly heavily dove-scarred. "Probably think I'm going to bloody eat them."

"Better you than Wormtail - they probably think they can eat him," Sirius pointed out reasonably. He had a bit of bird crap in his hair. James resolved not to be the one who told him.

Remus, brave man that he was, reached up with now-mittened fingers and flicked the dried white from Sirius' hair. Sirius was bloody jumpy these days or something, since he spun about and just stared at Remus for a minute. James would have told them they were acting like idiots, but he was too busy trying to wrestle a dove back into its cage.

Peter carefully tied a string around another roughly turtle-shaped bomb. Or as close to turtle-like as they could manage. As it turned out, none of them were destined for a future as sculptors. "I don't think this is what it meant by turtledoves."

"Shush. Keep tying. And remember that if one goes near Evans, you're supposed to jump in the way and sacrifice yourself to save her," James said. Peter's face said that possibility was highly dubious, but there were doves bloody everywhere, and James had no time to deal with his unwillingness to take one for the team. Or to take one for James' team anyway - his ears were still ringing from hearing Lily tear one out of him for the pear bit.

*******

French Hens

"The accents are horrible," Sirius observed archly watching as the entire Ravenclaw table stared in confused horror at Pierre Gerard babbled in incomprehensible French, his eyes wide and confused, gesturing wildly to the somewhat misshapen and uncommonly large breasts now hanging from his chest. "He'll switch back in a few hours right? He makes a bloody ugly bird."

"Hen," Peter corrected, grinning. "Lestrange isn't really French, is he?"

"No, but he's a wanker, so good enough," James said. "When's the snow?"

"About. . . now," Remus answered, glancing at the aged pocket watch he always had on him and then squinting up as small, delicate snowflakes began to drift from the wintery Great Hall ceiling. "What did you end up making the snow out of?"

"Ermm. . . just don't get any in your mouth," Sirius told him, giving him the sheepish sort of smile that always made James' mum coo and say what a NICE boy he was. James thought his mum might be going senile, really.

Remus smiled back and ducked his head to avoid the snowflakes. James grinned as the floating mistletoe began to march its way in from the surrounding halls. They'd decided that it needed to be more mobile yesterday - people had started to figure out how to avoid it. (Also Peter had been made to snog James three times, and that had been a bit vile and very damp, but it was WORTH it because the mistletoe - Merlin love it - was heading directly for the Slytherin table with a determined little clump edging toward the staff table.

"Potter and Black!" McGonagall's voice cut through the crowd noise. Flitwick was rapidly fleeing from her vicinity as the mistletoe converged.

James winced and decided this was an excellent time for a strategic retreat.

********

Calling Birds

Owls swooped through the window haphazardly, the letters they carried merrily reading out their contents, creating a swirl of noise and whooshing wings. James ducked under an outstretched wing. "Why is this whole bloody song about birds anyway?" he asked Peter idly.

Peter shrugged. "I guess people like when you give them birds?"

"All birds do is crap and fly. Well. Except Owls. I don't-"

James' head was suddenly turned around by a stunning and fairly surprising slap. He was more than a little shocked he hadn't seen it coming. He hadn't known redheads could be stealthy. "FUCKING OW!" he howled, putting a hand to his now hot cheek. "What was THAT for?"

Lily Evans glared at him, hands at her slim hips and hair loose down her back. She was all flushed and angry and really it just wasn't bloody fair that she looked so good when she was brassed off. "How COULD you? What is WRONG with you?"

James had a long and impressive list of things she COULD be brassed about, even though he'd made sure nothing happened to her after the pear - well except for the mistletoe, but really he couldn't be blamed for that. And she'd only had to snog Vance anyway, which had been a bit hot. Which made him legitimately clueless as to what she was actually slapping him for now. It had been a good slap, too. A number two on the Evans' slap scale. Harder than that time she'd slapped him for making a firstie cry on accident, but definitely less than when she'd walloped him for managing to grope at her chest without meaning to. (He'd TRIPPED. Over her feet, which were a bit big, but he liked that about her.) "Errm. . . I'm sorry?"

"It's bad enough you have to harass the whole school - but now you're. . . INFECTING your own friends? How can you be so. . . you are SUCH a prat James Potter!"

James still had no earthly idea what she was talking about, and she kept biting her lip like she was holding back calling him something filthy. He'd really like to kiss her lip where it was all shiny and wet. He should probably say something soothing to cut through her temper, but really - it was hard to do that when he had no idea what she was angry about. "I didn't know you liked pears!"

Peter, wise man, edged away mumbling something about schoolwork. James made a mental note to kick him one for it later. Lily ignored him, voice lowering. "You know, sometimes I think you're just. . . just a big CHILD having fun and that there's this sweet side to you, and you can actually be responsible sometimes since you became Head Boy. . . but then you go and do things like this. . ."

James noted that there was at least a bit of compliment trapped away in that, which was better than this time last year. "Like what?"

Lily glared at him and then pointed stiffly. He followed her finger and saw Sirius, standing frozen under mistletoe, Remus standing opposite him, the two staring at one another like statues. Really bloody freaked out statues - the prats. He'd had to snog Wormtail, they needn't make such a big deal about it. He looked back at Lily and shrugged. "They'll get over it. I mean P - erm, Sirius has snogged half the school, he's probably not that bad at it. At least he won't be slobbery."

Lily stared daggers at him and James fought back an urge to see if he was actually bleeding. "You. Are. An. Idiot. He's over the MOON for Black and his ridiculous face, and you're just. . . helping get his heart broken and I hope you end up having to make out with. . . with. . . with SLUGHORN for this."

James stared at her, befuddled, and Lily huffed a frustrated breath and gave Remus a last look before sailing off in a snit of righteous fury. James hated when she looked at Moony like that. It wasn't like Remus would ever snog her, but no matter how much he denied it, the fact that Lily had nursed a torch for Remus since fourth year was really bloody obvious.

James took a moment to watch Lily walk away - her hips sort of swayed when she was angry; it was hard to look away from - and then looked back at Padfoot and Moony. Who were still staring. James watched, eyes narrowing as Remus finally licked his lips, leaning forward to press a fumbling, fast kiss to Sirius' lips, then turned to dart away as soon as the mistletoe let them go.

Then he started to think about it. About how Sirius was forever leaning up against Remus. How Remus always had a bloody book in his lap - which really wasn't that big of a change. Moony and books went together like Evans and slapping - but still. . . and they were all weird around each other. For three seconds, James was brassed. Sirius was his best MATE. Why didn't he tell James he was bent as an old nail?

And then he thought about it some more. There wasn't much further off the market for Moony to be than snogging Sirius. And it'd probably be loads easier to talk him into pranks if Sirius could give him a wank or something to talk him into it. (Which he wasn't going to think about in more detail, because he knew Sirius had shagged about but he'd never actually thought of Remus as doing anything with his prong except having a piss.)

He watched as Sirius touched two fingers to his lips, eyes following Remus' retreating back, and that sealed it. They'd be together loads for the rest of the pranks - and probably in the endless detentions afterward. (James thanked Merlin that McGonagall was too much of a Quidditch fan to spite her own House by knocking them off the team.) They could prank the whole bloody school and have everyone quaking in fear and adoration - and he could shove Padfoot and Moony at each other.

He'd figure out how later, though, since he caught sight of Lily's owl winging determinedly toward her. Which didn't bode well. Bloody Wormtail.

*********

Golden Rings

"What in the SODDING HELL is wrong with you?" Sirius' eyes were bugging out a bit as he glared at James. James was pretty sure he was meant to be intimidated by the bug-eyed look, but really it had never done anything but make Padfoot look a bit fish-faced.

James put on his Most Innocent expression. "What are you on about?"

"That's the fourth bloody time you've almost slipped me one of the rings. If you want me to propose and serenade you, Potter, then just ask." Sirius glared. James imagined that he had gills somewhere under his robe from the fishiness of the fish face.

"It's hard to keep track of, all right? Sod it anyway," James said grumpily. You'd think ONE of those times would have worked. And he could have gotten Remus one. . . somehow. Even if Remus had spent all day trying to disappear into his own mattress.

"Yeah, just keep them the hell away from me," Sirius said.

James started to answer, but abruptly the sound of wedding bells filled the air. He grinned and Sirius echoed the expression, both of them sprinting to the window, Peter and Remus a moment behind them as a long line of joyous couples abruptly began to drop to one knee and sing, clothes transfiguring into wedding gowns. (They'd tried for dress robes, but for some reason the gowns had been easier. Plus blokes in dresses was always funny.)

Remus leaned in to see and made a faintly disapproving sound. James didn't miss the way Sirius shivered when Remus leaned close and breathed over his neck. Honestly. Poncy bloody bastards - should have worked it through on their own, not needed his help. "Is it really necessary to catch Rabastan and Snape with every one of these?"

"Yes," James answered in unison with Sirius. He grinned as Rabastan gazed adoringly up at Snivellus. "The children would be hideous." Sirius snickered and James grinned. "Let's go down. Get some photos. We've still got that camera, yeah?" Remus nodded and James turned, trying - once more - to slip a gold ring into Sirius' pocket. All he had to do was touch the bloody thing. . .

He wasn't nearly as stealthy as he thought though. Remus though, had surprisingly quick hands, and James didn't plan to forgive him any time soon, since he'd ended up declaring everlasting love to a very confused Hagrid.

***********

Laying Eggs

James stared morosely at the mound of dishes in front of him. "We didn't even get to see the Slytherins lay their eggs," he lamented.

Remus, arm deep in suds, a few stray bubbles clinging to his hair, gave him a dark look. "Did you really WANT to?"

James pondered that. "Yes. I mean, they'd still have trousers on. . . and their FACES." Remus' eloquent glare was answer enough. There'd been a reason they hadn't helped him plan the egg laying, after all.

"Nothing is going to HATCH out of those eggs, right?" Remus asked hopefully.

Peter snickered and flicked a stray bubble toward Remus. "Probably not."

Sirius just grinned. "Unless you're a Slytherin. . ."

Remus made a pained sound, but didn't comment and James, in a moment of inspiration, dropped a plate into the sink in front of him. The plate sent up a sizeable splash and Remus looked thoroughly soaked. "Best take your shirt off," James told him cheerfully. His back was to Sirius, but he could still FEEL the other boy's glare.

**********

Swans A-Swimming

"The dungeons are going to smell even worse from now on," Peter said, floating another somewhat lopsided transfigured swan away. It bumped into the dungeon wall a little ways away and exploded in a rainbow of colors. The colors dissipated in the water, but Peter's bright pink hands said that they lasted quite a while on skin.

"I hope Flitwick and the firsties can all swim - bit deeper than we thought," Sirius said.

"Why do things always have to explode?" Remus wondered. James didn't bother to answer. It went without saying really - explosions made things better. "Why didn't we start this from the other side, so we didn't have to wade out?" Remus asked.

That had actually been the plan, but James had managed to convince Sirius that it wouldn't work for one reason or another. He forgot just what he'd said, but it hadn't mattered because Sirius had been assembling rainbow swans anyway and only listening to every fourth word. "Right, so we should split up. So they can't catch us. Moony and Pads, go head for the east stairs, and Wormtail and me will go for the north."

Remus had a suspicious look on his face, and James quickly affected his Most Innocent expression. (It had to work SOMETIME.) "Why are we splitting up?"

"Because Snape went for Sluggy, and we might as well not all get caught?" James answered. Remus seemed like he wasn’t buying it, so James decided to just go. It was hard to argue with a bloke who wasn't there.

He caught Wormtail by the wrist and dragged him off, checking Remus' watch before he went. Right. Five minutes before the Stiffly potion he slipped into Sirius' juice kicked in. He hoped Pads had loose trousers on.

*****

A-Milking

"At least it's not birds?" James said, grunting and shoving hard at the immovable object in front of him. Said object turned her spotted head around and mooed, tail swishing in his face.

"Cows aren't any bloody better," Sirius said.

"What ELSE were we going to milk?" Peter asked, leaning on the cow's lead, trying to get her to step. "Can't you just growl at her?" he asked Remus.

"We could have milked the maids," Sirius answered with a grin. "But Prongs thought Evans would hex off his bits and toss him off the Tower." He frowned a little. "Last time Moony growled at onee, the bloody thing kicked him. Moony gets banged up enough."

The cow chose that moment to move, and Peter fell over backward, scrambling out of her way as she made her way to the Ravenclaw table.

James decided that's where he'd wanted her to go anyway. Bloody cow. It had been easier to get that brown and white one UPSTAIRS than to walk this cow down the hallway.

"One more for the 'Puff commons." They trooped back outside and started trying to herd the last cow. Well. . . James had been sure it was a cow, anyway. "Umm. . . cows don't have bollocks, do they?" Or two udders. . .hanging in back. . . and the other cows really hadn't looked so much like they wanted to eat him.

The not-cow pawed at the ground and James winced. "Maybe you should try growling now," Peter suggested urgently. James wasn't about to disagree.

The now-cow mooed. It was a lot less friendly than the actual cows.

A very fast run later, James decided sod it, skip the cow in the 'Puff's room. They had that fifth year who was the size of a heifer anyway. Remus had tried the growling bit. He'd gotten more stepped on than kicked, this time.

James pushed bandages and healing potions into Sirius' hands. "Fix Moony up, I have to go errm. . . check the cows." He ignored Remus' protest that really, he could do it himself, and Sirius surreptitiously checking the bandages for any trace of rings or potions.

Moony was reluctantly tugging his shirt off to show the cut on his side from the not-cow as James hauled Wormtail back down the stairs with him.

**********

Ladies Dancing

Moony was starting to mope - James knew the signs well - and Pads was getting his fish-eyes again, and the portraits were twirling merrily in and out of their frames, dancing with varying amounts of glee, tolerance, or righteous fury. They'd been counting on the dancing portraits to make people complacent before the real dancing bits kicked in that night - but James hadn't counted on the constant, tinny, spelled music making his head throb.

Plus Evans was glaring. That never boded well. Maybe she'd been wrong about Moony and Pads? Except James was pretty sure she hadn't been. Never mind that Lily wasn't wrong all that often - now that she'd pointed it out, he kept noticing the weird looks they gave each other.

Plus they were both starting to catch on to James. Or he thought they might be. Since Padfoot kept staring at him oddly. "You'd think they could figure out who they want to snog on their own," he commented idly.

"Who wants to snog what?" Peter asked distractedly. He winced as the Fat Lady spun her way through her portrait, a very small balding wizard with a resigned look on his face twirling with her.

"Neverbloodymind," James answered with a grunt.

The daft knight from the seventh floor portrait jigged through the Fat Lady's frame, armor clinking obnoxiously, and James thought longingly of earplugs and deafening charms as he watched Sirius chatting up that sixth year blond with the giant chest, Remus trying to pretend that he wasn't watching. And doing a lousy job of it. "Oh just SHAG already," he muttered.

Beside him Peter looked confused, and then glanced at Sirius and the blonde. "I erm, think they already have?"

"No but they WILL," James told him with Awe Inspiring Confidence. (Although Pete looked more befuddled than inspired, but sod him anyway.) Remus threw down the book he'd been trying to read and slunk off, Sirius ignoring Melon Breast Blonde to stare after his back for a moment. From elsewhere in the room, James felt the distinctive prick of Lily Eye Daggers.

Right, time for subtlety was over. And he was finding a room with NO BLOODY PORTRAITS to think for a bit.

**************

Lords A-Leaping

"This one was a stretch," Remus said. "Why didn't we just make everyone hop about, again?"

"Because that's what everyone expected us to do," Sirius answered, a tight note in his voice. They'd gone from making cow eyes (actual cow - not mistaken-for-cows-angry bull) at each other for days, and now Sirius was brassed and Remus was irritated and James still had a headache. Shouldn't this romance shite be easier when they both had bats and bludgers? No mysterious female wiles involved! Unless Moony had mysterious werewolf wiles, but James doubted it. They slept in the same dorm. The mystery was dead.

James let the last frog loose, tiny top hat firmly affixed to its head. The first screams would start any moment now. "They can hop high enough to reach that tall bird in 'Puff's mouth, right? If anyone needs a frog-kiss it's her." Since she'd told Evans about the debacle with the mistletoe and Peeves and being stuck because poltergeist kisses don't technically count.

"Right," Remus answered shortly. "I've got Potions to muddle through." He turned to slip back toward the Tower and James stared after him, frustrated. He looked away, meeting Sirius' eyes and flushing.

The first set of screams conveniently sounded, and the three of them were left scrambling for the nearest closet to hide in as girls in bedclothes suddenly began to emerge from the common rooms, a trail of frogs in their wake.

*************

Pipers Piping

James had decided that he really hated the bloody mistletoe. Vindictive sodding plants were out to get him. If he had to snog Wormtail ONE MORE TIME, he was chopping off his own lips. And Pete's. he couldn't even complain to anyone about it because they'd say it was his own fault.

They should have done this prank a few days earlier and forget doing them in order. Before he'd had a headache.

He'd tried to shuffle Sirius off with Remus to set the last of the charms, but Sirius had practically shoved Peter at Moony. James had figured that it was because he was avoiding Remus (the git).

"So if you fancy Moony, you ought to just bloody come out with it and stop staring at him all the bloody time, and trying to get his shirt off. It's just pathetic," Sirius suddenly said.

Apparently he'd been wrong about Sirius' reasoning after all. "What?" he asked dumbly.

Sirius' jaw tightened, his fish-face firmly in place again and his arms crossing over his chest. "Just snog him already. Since when do you fancy blokes anyway? What happened to Evans?"

James gaped. The sheer hypocrisy was staggering. Also funny, but he thought he might get punched if he laughed, and Sirius had a mean right hook.

Sirius made a frustrated noise and shook his head. "Whatever. . . I just. . . sod it. If you want to snog him, then snog him. I just want you to be happy, and if you've tossed over redheads for werewolves. . . just fine. Be bent with Moony. I don't care."

He tossed off the charm for the last statue, and then turned and stalked off, James staring fuzzily at his back over the top of his spectacles.

This was getting ridiculous.

He winced as the hour struck, and every suit of armor and statue in the castle abruptly raised a pipe to their mouths - or the closest they had to a mouth, anyway - and began tootling away, a parade of leftover frogs and doves swooping and hopping around in time.

*************

Drummers Drumming

"Bigger." James peered and then huffed. "BIGGER."

"If I get it any bigger, then the floating charms will give out!" Sirius answered, sounding aggrieved.

"No it won't. We've got Bubble-Up charms set up too," Peter argued, grunting a little and levitating the first drum. "Why does it have to be bigger anyway?"

"How will people hear it if it's not massive? Plus it'll be hard to hit," James answered.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Amplification charms," he said.

"Right. I'll set those and help levitate them out," Sirius said shortly, following Wormtail as he floated the massive drum toward the lake.

James watched them a moment. He and Sirius hadn't had a moment alone for him to tell him what a WANKER he was, so Sirius was being a bloody girl about the whole thing, all snitty and hard to talk to. James wanted to wham him over the head with a broom.

Remus, who wasn't much better, just took over for Peter, helping to slowly spell the drum bigger. "James. . . I think you should just talk to Sirius," he said.

"I've been TRYING, but he's a git," James answered.

"Well. . . I know it's hard to talk about but really. . . if it will make the two of you happy. . ." Remus said uncomfortably. "I know it's probably confusing with how you feel. . . felt about Lily but. . ."

The conversation abruptly started to feel very, very familiar. "I AM NOT PONCY FOR PADFOOT!" James declared. Loud enough that Sirius might actually be able to hear, but he didn't care.

Remus flushed. "I didn't say you were-"

"You did. Look, there's nothing wrong with poncing about. But I'm mad for Evans, so even if I was I wouldn't be after Padfoot. I wouldn't be after Evans either, unless she was a bloke, which would be bloody strange because she's got the long girl-legs and the pretty lips - but you know what I mean anyway!" James was aware that he was babbling, but really - this had not gone the way he'd thought it would. Remus and Sirius were supposed to snog due to his subtle machinations, and then Lily was supposed to be impressed (and also thoroughly put off of pining for Moony), and snog him. If only they'd cooperate.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Let's just. . . finish, it's almost breakfast. I just meant. . . there's nothing wrong with it."

"No. There's NOT," James agreed. Emphatically. "So if ANYONE wants to paw at Padfoot then it's, you know. Okay. Fine. Brilliant really. Pete will probably be confused, but I'll explain it to him."

"Right, Prongs," Remus answered, flushing and looking away, finishing with the drum and starting to levitate it out to the lake with the other one.

A few charms later, and James was forming another plan. He shelved it though, to watch the sheer glory that was the squid's morning drum solo. And then to run and hide from McGonagall. Again.

*************

Have Yourself a Merry Little. . . August

This was absolutely foolproof. Granted it had taken three days before he had a single minute free of detention, but still. He had one of those love potions that were really just aphrodisiacs with a cheesy name. He had notes to send to Remus and Sirius from one another. He had a free classroom.

They were GOING to snog. If it KILLED James, they were going to snog.

As soon as he could find them.

Pete WOULD have taken the map the one time James needed it!

He was checking the Tower for the third time when he ran into Lily, who smiled at him. James bloody loved when she smiled, but it was rare enough that he was usually a bit suspicious when it happened. "What?" he asked her dubiously.

She just grinned. "They're not here."

"Who?" She was so pretty when she smiled. But she looked a bit evil, too. James thought that in an alternate universe somewhere, there was an evil Lily who probably ruled all of Hogwarts with an iron fist and made him her slave.

Which was a bit hot, really.

Lily grinned. "Black and Remus. They're not here."

James stared, eyes narrowing a little. "Why?"

Lily snorted. (Which shouldn't have been as cute as it was.) "I had Peter help me lock them in a closet. Judging from the smacking noises, they were very, very busy."

James stared, and then swung his eyes to the corner, where Peter sat playing a game of Gobstones with a sixth year. He shrugged, clearly having been listening in. "You KNEW?" James said - voice shrill enough that he winced.

Peter rolled his eyes. "Who DIDN'T know?" he asked.

James felt deeply betrayed. And really bloody annoyed. And if Lily hadn't looked so pleased with herself, he'd have been cross with her, too. "So they're-"

"Snogging," Lily repeated. She paused and then the smug grin softened. "You really were trying much too hard."

James couldn't help but grin at that smile. "Yeah well. . . they were being daft."

"Yes, they were. If they were just honest about what they want, and not such insufferable prats about it, then. . . they might be surprised by how things work out," Lily told him, and she gave James a Very Significant Look. Above them, the last of the mistletoe - which James instantly forgave all past transgressions - floated into place above their heads, and Lily smiled again, and leaned in, murmuring quietly. "The squid was really a bit amazing." She breathed it like a confession, and kissed him, quick and soft and directly on the lips, then turned to head up toward the girls dorm, a sway in her step.

James stared after her, blinking slowly. Peter rolled his eyes. "I don't think she really meant Sirius and Remus," he told James.

James had, for once, actually sussed that out already.

Remus and Sirius chose that moment to stroll through the Portrait door. They weren't exactly holding hands, but they both looked like someone had punched them in the mouth, and Remus was smiling and starry-eyed, and Sirius was heavy-eyed and grinning.

James looked at them. "You're both idiots," he informed them. And then, just to be clear. "I don't fancy either of you."

The mistletoe above his head seemed to take the hint and floated over Remus' head. James grinned as Sirius gave him a smacking, affectionate kiss.

Right. So worth having MONTHS of detention.

~~

Comments

[leafyaki.livejournal.com]

:D Oh my god this is so brilliant! Utterly hilarious, and wonderfully messy and catastrophic, and I'm so glad I'm not one of Hogwarts' professors! Because this is a great mess to watch from the sidelines XD

There are just so many brilliant parts! I loved this: James thought it was probable he only had about five minutes to live, but that was a brilliant note to die on. I don't know why exactly, but this line had me laughing hard. Probably at the image of McGonagall kissing Flitwick, and then his subsequent attempts to go far far away from her. Oh, and James kissing Peter four times too! :D Poor thing...well, actually, not really, it IS their prank after all.

Ugh, and the tension between Sirius and Remus! How lovely that you worked in the cliched locking them in a closet bit so wonderfully non-cliched! Hahaha, and Sirius suspecting James like Remus and Remus thinking the same of James and Sirius? Wonderful touch there!

I also love the bit where McGonagall put them in automatic detention for April. Smart woman, I only pity her for the fact that she would not have expected twelve days of Christmas in August.

Such a wonderful fic to read on Christmas day! :D

[lorax.livejournal.com]

Aww, thank you so much! I think being a Hogwarts professor would be very stressful, but probably more fun than they want to admit too. ;) Sometimes, anyway.

I'm really glad you enjoyed it, thank you for the comment!

[spacefragments.livejournal.com]

oh, i LOVE this! so full of funny lines, but this one's got to be one of my favorites: And it'd probably be loads easier to talk him into pranks if Sirius could give him a wank or something to talk him into it. because you know it's true.

poor james! he tries so hard, bless him. he's such a good friend. and so funny with his slave fantasies. (yes, i did find the idea a bit hot too, lol)

remus and sirius are stupid boys and i love them too.

[lorax.livejournal.com]

Hee, yeah, James means well, but his talents do not lie with matchmaking. ;) THank you so much, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[sleeper6.livejournal.com]

This is so much fun, honestly. So much going on but everything fits together so well. Very clever. Your James is KING! He is utterly awesome. There are so many lines to choose as my favorites, but I'll just say how brilliant your Marauders are--they're so in character.

Great job with this, really.

[lorax.livejournal.com]

Hee, thank you! I've never done a piece from James' POV really, so I'm glad he came off well for you. Thank you so much for reading, Happy Holidays!

[brighty18.livejournal.com]

This was hilarious! What a fantastic holiday treat! And what's with the Austen motif this year?

There was so much to love, but certain lines were particularly wonderful:

"Eggnog - easy to spike - I mean who can tell the bloody difference when you're swilling down eggs?" James said. It had potential. . . if you ignored the bit about how no one would be there. True, James, true.

"The doves don't LIKE me," Remus held up his hands - which were admittedly heavily dove-scarred. "Probably think I'm going to bloody eat them."

"Better you than Wormtail - they probably think they can eat him," Sirius pointed out reasonably. He had a bit of bird crap in his hair. James resolved not to be the one who told him.
Poor Remus!

Moony and books went together like Evans and slapping... In fact, the whole way that James views the Remus/Sirius thing is hilarious. It was all about him, which was bloody brilliant, really!

"Why do things always have to explode?" Remus wondered. James didn't bother to answer. It went without saying really - explosions made things better. I firmly believe that James loves blowing things-up That seems to be a minor fanon motif and it's right on he proverbial money. Of course, he'd think it made things better. Your James is so perfectly in character. And along those same lines, this made me laugh out loud: "You did. Look, there's nothing wrong with poncing about. But I'm mad for Evans, so even if I was I wouldn't be after Padfoot. I wouldn't be after Evans either, unless she was a bloke, which would be bloody strange because she's got the long girl-legs and the pretty lips - but you know what I mean anyway!"

Lily snorted. (Which shouldn't have been as cute as it was.) "I had Peter help me lock them in a closet. Judging from the smacking noises, they were very, very busy." Awwww... and the idea of Evans and slapping going together made be snort my latte!

I love the seamless way James's "matchmaking plot" intersected with the whole Twelve Days of Christmas thing.

Excellent!

[lorax.livejournal.com]

Austen does seem to be popping up a bit, doesn't it? Other than matchmaking and the header quote though, I think I'm fairly far off from Austenesque. ;) And yes, I think James liked blowing things up too! They were teenage boys. What pranking-type teenage boy DOESN'T like when things blow up (so long as they still have eyebrows)?

Thank you so much for reading, I'm glad you liked it, Happy Holidays!

[duck-or-rabbit.livejournal.com]

LOL this is hilarious.

James is such an idiot, lol. Oh my, he should plan nothing for anyone. Ever.

So many lines made me laugh but this one

"The doves don't LIKE me," Remus held up his hands - which were admittedly heavily dove-scarred. "Probably think I'm going to bloody eat them."

did especially because Remus whining about doves is so something he would do.

And the Slytherin eggs, lol.

Good story. :D

[lorax.livejournal.com]

Hee. Well, he can probably manage a good prank and all. . . but I think matchmaking wasn't his calling? ;) Thank you so much for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[mysecretashes.livejournal.com]

Oh, I have SO MUCH LOVE for this fic!! It's hilarious, I grinned like a loon the entire time I was reading it. The automatic detention was great, and I love how it was finally Lily and Peter that got them together after all of James's fumbling tries. I honestly cannot express how much I love this story!

[fullmoon-dreams.livejournal.com]

This is just brilliantly funny.

I love so much about it, but poor James...all his hard work and it is Lily and Peter who finally get the puppies together.

I like that Peter already knew about them, too. James didn't give him nearly enough credit.

Favourite bit was James making sure that each of them knew that he didn't fancy them...too funny.

[lorax.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I'm really glad it worked for you. And I think James making sure that his non-fancying was well known was a favorite part of mine too, so I'm glad that made you smile! Happy Holidays!

[thescarletwoman.livejournal.com]

♥♥

Thank you sooooo much! This was a wonderful fic and I loved the elements of humour infused through out. *g* It was a perfect look at the Marauders' last year at Hogwarts and thank you for not sugar coating James and Sirius and their penchant for... rather cruel pranks at times.

Thank you again!

[lorax.livejournal.com]

Oh wow, I never got notice you replied. I'm sorry! Thank you so much, and I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Heh. I love James and Sirius, but they could be little asses, so I wanted to keep that and try to make it funny too - I'm glad it came across for you!

[secretsolitaire.livejournal.com]

LOL, this was great fun! You really captured the sort of manic nature of their pranks. And really...*pets James*

[lorax.livejournal.com]

Hee, he needed a pet after that I'm sure, though the kiss made up for most of it. Thank you so much!

[werewolfsfan.livejournal.com]

This fic is bloody brilliant! I had high expectations since I read the lengths they went to. Moving April Fools Day to October after all! They are all such wonderful characters even to McGoogles who can't quite get ahead of the Marauders but not for lack of trying! And poor Professor Flitwick! Can't you just see him being snogged by a furious Professor McGonagall!
I love the way the pranks never come off without unforeseen problems. And that they are better with creativity than smooth perfection!
James POV here is DA BEST! Especially his thoughts about Lily! And the fact that she's falling for him almost against her will .........
Have you caught on to the fact that I love this yet? Because I do!
But the absolute best part is this:

James thought Peter usually looked nervous. It was the rat in him, he was pretty sure. James loved the bloke but once in a while he just wanted to drop him in a room full of cats and watch what happened.

[lorax.livejournal.com]

Hee, awww! Thank you so much, and sorry for not replying, I missed the notice somehow! I'm glad you enjoyed it - the running joke with Flitwick and Mcgonagall was, I have to admit, one of my favorite parts so I'm glad someone else liked it!

[mindabbles.livejournal.com]

What fun! I really enjoyed this and loved, loved James. Well done!

[lorax.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!