small_gifts | FIC: 'The More They Stay the Same' for Lyras

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Title: The More They Stay the Same
Author:

lyras
Rating: PG-13
Prompt: Bonding over Harry (with a side of happy family scene)
Summary: Remus hasn't seen Sirius since he walked out two months ago, but a weekend looking after the littlest Potter is about to change that.
Any other notes, warnings, etc.: A very squashed little plot. Flangst, some choice language, and snogging! If vomit counts as a warning, then that too. I tried to hit most of the things you were fond of – hope this fits! Happy holidays!

'God, please let me look better than I feel.' Remus trudged up the narrow snowy lane, fingers rubbing over a small patch on his coat. James and Lily had seen him looking worse, of course, but still, Lily'd probably prefer to hand over her child to someone who didn't look like he'd spent the last week in a freezing forest, covered in mud, and gore, and less than desirable things.

He walked past another cheery house, feeling the cold of loneliness creep over his shoulders to weigh him down. Strange to think he was actually looking forward to this weekend, despite the nappies and the mashed vegetables. It would be nice to spend some time with someone who wasn't constantly looking over his shoulder, ready for Remus to stick a knife in his back. That was how all the Order looked at him nowadays, even if most of them didn't do it on purpose. He couldn't blame them; he'd probably do the same.

Lights winked at him from inside his friends' cottage, and a colorful wreath hung on the front door, but as he got closer, the illusion of a happy peaceful family waiting inside was shattered. He knew Lily and James still had their explosive rows, but he figured hearing the shrieks as he stood on the front porch was not the best sign. He approached the door with caution until he could make out the words.

"…think I'm leaving my child with that…that…him all weekend, you are beyond mental!"

Remus's eyes widened at Lily's vicious speech. She'd been the one to ask him here! He didn't hear James's meek reply, but he figured he'd better stop creeping about on the stoop and at least go inside to figure out what was going on. Even if it was that Lily had come to her senses and had finally listened to all the wise voices in the Order who preached about the untrustworthiness of 'that werewolf'. It was only a matter of time really.

Almost as soon as he knocked, the door flew open and Lily appeared looking fierce and wild.

"Oh, Remus! Thank God you're here!" She hugged him briefly, then dragged him into the kitchen by his sleeve. At least it was a better reception than what he'd expected after listening at the door.

James awaited them in the kitchen. Hands behind his back, his face lowered, he was the picture of a penitent schoolboy, awaiting his appointment with the cane.

"You will never believe what Potter has done!"

"Which one?" Remus joked, hoping to lighten up the situation. "There are three of you now." Lily's murderous gaze turned on him instead of her husband and Remus held his hands up in surrender. "Kidding, only kidding."

"He –"

A sudden squeal sounded from down the hall followed by a carefree laugh that dropped Remus's stomach to his knees. Well, fuck.

And then he was there in the doorway, a chubby baby lifted up over his head, grinning like a fool, looking no worse for the wear since Remus had…since he'd last seen him two months ago. Remus's heart flew up into his throat and started beating madly. Sirius always did that to him, even in those bad weeks before he'd left.

"What are you doing here?"

Their gazes met, and Sirius's eyes grew visibly cold. He lowered the baby to his hip and continued to glare at Remus.

"Give me my baby," Lily snapped, snatching Harry away even as he squeaked in protest. "I think my husband would like to explain this disaster."

Three pairs of unhappy eyes turned on James, and he laughed nervously. "Ah yes, well, you see…" James rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly as he glanced between his friends. "There was a bit of a misunderstanding."

"Misunderstanding," Lily deadpanned, glaring at her husband in a way that reminded Remus why he'd never felt truly comfortable with girls. "I told you I'd find someone to take care of Harry while we're at my mothers – you chose to ignore me. That's not a misunderstanding!"

"I don't see the problem," Sirius said, scowling from his corner of the kitchen. "I'm his godfather, I got here first; I'll be taking care of him."

Lily laughed dryly and tightened her grip on Harry. "Like hell you will. I wouldn't trust you with a flobberworm!"

"I'm his bloody godfather! Who deserves to take care of him if not me?!"

"You don't know a thing about babies, Sirius!

"What's to know? I feed him, change his nappies, we play…easier than hexing a house elf."

James cringed and brought a hand up to his face while Lily stared at Sirius in horror. Remus merely grinned and raised an eyebrow. Lily gave him a desperate look and wrung her hands. "Please, Remus. You have to stay."

Sirius glared at Lily. "Well I'll be damned if I'm giving up a weekend with my godson." He darted a glance at Remus, but pulled his eyes away quickly. "Whether he's here or not, I'm staying." Sirius turned and stalked out of the kitchen, dragging a distressed-looking James away by the arm.

Typical, Remus thought, with more than a twinge of bitterness, always making everything about himself. He sighed and rubbed at his temple as he heard Lily's feet shuffle across the kitchen floor. He looked up, avoiding her pleading eyes, looking instead at Harry whose chubby fist was grabbing at a loose string on Remus's jumper. Lily shifted the baby in her arms as if to hold him out to Remus as she pleaded.

"I know the two of you aren't on the best terms right now, but I can't leave Harry with him; God only knows what I'd come back to."

As soon as she placed him in Remus's arms, Harry grabbed Remus's finger and started gnawing on it. Remus laughed; looking into those big, blue-green eyes, trusting him so completely, as nobody else had in a long long time, he knew he had only one answer. At his nod, Lily made a small noise of appreciation and hugged him, taking care not to squash her child between them.

Remus sighed and squeezed her tighter. "For you, Lily, I'll stay. And for Harry."

Lily pulled away, her gratitude tangible. "Thank you, Remus. I promise I'll make it up to you. God knows I wouldn't want to be saddled with Sirius all weekend, and considering…" she paused, looking at him with guilty eyes, and he begged her just to say it instead of forever dancing around it like he was some precious and breakable Christmas bauble. "Well, just…thanks. If anyone can keep him in line it's you."

Remus laughed, but it sounded cold even to him. "We'll see."

*******************************************************

"What does Harry have in his mouth?"

Sirius threw one of many toy balls in the air and caught it one handed, deliberately ignoring Remus. Harry watched the ball sail through the air, chewing on one of Sirius's untied shoelaces with determination.

"Sirius, get that out of his mouth; who knows where it's been!"

Sirius caught the ball again and turned to glare at Remus. "I know where it's been. He's fine."

So that was how it was going to be. All bloody weekend. Remus sat in the chair opposite them, letting his weariness show through.

"We need to behave. For Harry's sake, alright? I know you're not exactly happy with me right now, but we have to be focused on him, not ignoring and sniping at each other."

Sirius shrugged and untied his other shoelace for Harry to chew on. "Fine, whatever."

Remus watched them play, not having the heart to demand the immediate removal of the shoelaces as he watched Harry crawl over Sirius's outstretched legs, babbling continuously, to get to the other boot. How different things would be if he hadn't walked out. They'd be down there together now, Sirius probably trying to cop a feel, Remus gently nudging him away for propriety's sake. 'The baby,' he'd groan as an excuse, but he'd let Sirius get away with anything in the end, he always did. Now there's a wall between them, invisible but thicker than concrete. Remus could see cracks in it on his side; he still loved the prat, after all. He was sure there were no such cracks on the other side.

Sirius looked up to glare at him again after a few minutes. "Don't you have something more important to do?"

"Not really." Remus stared back.

Sirius twisted his mouth up angrily. "You don't have to watch me like a bloody hawk, you know. It's not like I'm going to bite him or something."

Almost immediately, Remus saw that look cross the other man's face, the one that meant he knew he'd accidentally fucked up but would be too ashamed to apologize. Remus stood and nodded. "Right. Okay, I'll just…" but there was nothing else to say, so he turned and walked away. The sound of a ball hitting something breakable followed by a loud curse and a baby's wail didn't give him any satisfaction at all.

When they saw each other again at lunch, however, the acid was gone from Sirius's voice, and the coldness in his eyes had been replaced by something sad, but less angry. Sirius cleaned the dishes himself, and willingly handed over the jars of baby food and a tiny spoon.

"Guess I don't know as much about babies as I thought," he mumbled.

Remus smiled; that was more of an apology than he thought he deserved, and a silent truce fell between them.

*******************************************************

"What the bloody hell is that?"

"Carrots."

"Those…that is not carrots. It's radiowhatsit goo."

"Radioactive. And it's carrots, I promise."

"Why's it all over his face?"

"Would you like to feed him?"

"Think I'll wait for bottle time. I know I can handle a bottle."

*******************************************************

"Fuck, this kid will not stop eating!" Remus heard Sirius mutter as he walked into the kitchen later that night. Sirius had a dripping bottle in one hand, a too-full spoonful of formula powder in the other, and a howling baby on his hip. Since the only imminent danger Harry was in was from falling, Remus pulled out his wand with a chuckle and shot a levitation spell towards him.

Sirius whirled around, nearly dropping the bottle. "Oh! It's you." He looked distinctly relieved at Remus's presence. Harry looked startled for a brief second, then resumed his howling cries.

"What are you doing?" Remus asked, wondering how Sirius always managed to make everything look like a catastrophe.

"I can't get him to stop crying!"

"Sirius, that's not his hungry cry, it's too desperate. Besides, you just fed him." Remus plucked little Harry out of Sirius's arms and cradled him close, patting his back. Sirius continued to look skeptical and frantic until Remus heard a belch most grown men couldn't manage beside his ear. "Forgot to burp him, didn't you?"

Sirius made a face as Harry's cries softened to whimpers. "He got sick up all over you."

Remus rolled his eyes and moved the baby away from his shoulder, propping him on one hip. He cleaned Harry's gooey mouth with his sleeve and started walking to the nursery. "You can't just give a baby a bottle and not burp him, Sirius; it hurts him."

Remus gave Harry one last pat on the back before handing him to Sirius. "Sicking up is just what babies do." He spelled most of the mess away and pulled his shirt off, tossing it into the laundry with Harry's dirty clothes. Turning back, he caught two pairs of eyes staring at him, one with sleepy curiosity, the other with something he hadn't seen in…well…a long time. Much longer than two months, if he was honest with himself. A sudden, irrational embarrassment came over him. "I'll just, erm…go change," he stuttered, and dashed out the door.

Holing himself up in his room was an excellent plan, he figured, so even after he changed, he stayed there to read. Crying from the next room woke him from a light doze only an hour later. He waited, assuming Sirius would go shush the baby back to sleep, but ten minutes passed, and the cries were only getting louder, so he went himself.

After Remus calmed Harry's cries and laid him down in his cot, he placed a monitoring charm over the room and headed downstairs. He caught himself checking rooms on his way to the kitchen for signs of his housemate. He clenched his fists. "Stop it, Remus," he whispered angrily, forcing himself not to look in the last two rooms.

But after an hour of silent tea, with no curious, irritated, or explosive interruptions, he started to worry. Sirius was incapable of entertaining himself for fifteen minutes, much less an hour. Remus went to the sink, trying to convince his pride it would be okay to recheck the rooms when through the window he saw a fresh path through the snow and a lone figure sitting on the bench beneath the barren oak tree. With a resigned shake of his head, he put on his coat and headed out.

Sirius sat surly and brooding on the small bench, the acrid smell of smoke still clinging to the air. Remus held back a sigh and sat next to him. Silence reigned for several long minutes. Remus watched the lights flicker in nearby cottage windows thinking this feeling, this having nothing to say, had been one of the things he'd been running away from. It scared him. It felt like falling out of love.

"A note."

Remus turned in surprise when Sirius began to speak.

"Two years, and all you left me was a bloody note."

Remus let out that sigh he'd been holding on to. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I really am. But I stand by what I said. I still think it's best."

"Best for who?! I'm miserable, you look miserable, everyone feels like they have to walk on eggshells around us…this isn't fucking best for anybody."

Remus tried his hardest to ignore the 'I'm miserable'. It made this all so much harder.

"Best for the long run. Sirius; we were falling apart." Sirius scoffed and crossed his arms on his chest, but Remus kept on. "Can you honestly say you still trusted me, with everything I had to keep from you? Can you say you were happy?" The silence spoke well enough, and he nodded in resignation. "That's what I thought."
"I know…" voice faltering, he took a breath and started again. "I know Lily and James…the Order…suspects me of spying. I was actually surprised Lily even asked me to stay this weekend, knowing I'd be alone with Harry…"

Then it all clicked.

"But I'm not, am I? That's why you're here, to keep an eye on me. You can't be trusted with a baby, and I can't be trusted with my friends' lives – perfect match." He shook his head. So stupid, Remus. You'd be lucky if they trusted you with their house plants.

He couldn't bring himself to look at Sirius until the other man grabbed his shoulder.

"No, Moony, Remus, I swear it wasn't like that. Prongs is just an idiot – you know that."

Remus could tell Sirius was telling the truth, but the thought of it still made him vaguely sick to his stomach. He tried to tug his arm away from the other man's grip, but it wouldn't budge.

"Sirius…please, let me go."

"I won't. You made all the decisions before, you chose to walk away. Now I'm deciding." Sirius reached out and grabbed his other arm, tugging him closer without a hint of gentleness.
"I wasn't ready to let you go, Remus. I'm still not."

There was a small selfish part of him that still cried, Why did you let me leave? Why didn't you find me? Why didn't you tell the world to fuck off and leave us alone? Why didn't you fight for me? He pushed it aside. He was the one who had walked away, after all. And with those remorseful, desperate eyes staring right into his own, those questions were slowly becoming less important. Sirius was here, he still wanted Remus, and God, Remus had missed him.

They leaned in together, their lips met, and it was…oh.

Heat bloomed in Remus's chest – a place frozen for too long. Sirius made a small desperate noise, moving one hand to Remus's chest, sliding the other up the side of his scruffy face. Remus pressed his lips in harder, nearly biting Sirius's bottom lip. Sirius's tongue ran slowly across his lips, soothing the rough and smooth parts alike, teasing a small cut gently until that raw metallic taste spread all throughout.

Remus felt a violent shiver travel down Sirius's back, and he smiled into the kiss.
"Inside?" he whispered. Sirius shook his head and leaned back in, but Remus stopped him. He pulled on the sleeve of Sirius's leather jacket until they were back in the warm parlor, the fire crackling down to embers. As soon as they collapsed on the sofa, a cry sounded through the monitoring charm around Remus's neck. Sirius leaned in for one breathtaking kiss before whispering, "I'll get him."

This was a bad idea. None of those reasons Remus had rationally stated in his note had gone – they were all still there, under the surface, just waiting for another unexplainable disappearance, another too-long mission, another night sleepless with worry. Nothing had changed.

'Except,' his mind whispered. Except now he knew how miserable it was to be without someone of his own. To be without Sirius. And he was so tired of not giving in, of being selfless. They could try again. After all, the door was still there too.

Footsteps on the stairs and a soft low melody made him look up to see Sirius coming down, a whimpering Harry in his arms.

"…is love, love; love is all you need."

Remus smiled. Watching Sirius cradle the baby to his chest and continue to hum in his sweet baritone, he could almost believe that was true.

*******************************************************

Hours later, two people disabled the wards on the side of the house and snuck slowly towards the windows. They made no attempt to break in or place a spell on those inside, just stood silently and watched as the snow fell gently all around them.

"I still can't believe I agreed to this. I must be the worst mother in all Britain."

"Probably," James said, dodging Lily's fist and sliding his arm around her waist, "but you're the best friend instead."

She sighed and let herself be embraced. "I suppose."

"'Sides, the little sprog's fine, right?"

"I'm sure he'll be traumatized for life. And when he grows up I'm telling him it's all your fault."

But they both knew she didn't really believe what she was saying. Harry couldn't look less traumatized, lying peacefully as he was on Sirius's chest, little fists curled up near his face. One of Sirius's hands covered his tiny back, while Remus's arm lay slung over him, snugly securing the baby to the man beneath. Small tufts of his hair were blown back and forth by Remus's slow breathing, his head resting near Harry's on Sirius's shoulder, wedged on his side between Sirius and the couch cushions.

They looked like a family. And they all slept on under watching eyes.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

leafyaki.livejournal.com

Argh! Idiots! Both of them! Well, to be sure, I was more on Remus's side because of all the mistrust he has to face, but still...so little Harry has to be the one to bring them together :]

Lovely story, even though my heart hurt so badly at so many points! This, especially: "But I'm not, am I? That's why you're here, to keep an eye on me. You can't be trusted with a baby, and I can't be trusted with my friends' lives – perfect match." He shook his head. So stupid, Remus. You'd be lucky if they trusted you with their house plants.

Ohhh, they both deserve happiness. At least they had this little moment with Harry. Ahhh. Beautifully written!

From:

stocking stuffers, more like....

FIC: 'The More They Stay the Same' for Lyras

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