small_gifts | FIC for penhaigonblue: Resurrections and Epiphanies

lls-mutant.livejournal.com posting in

Title: Resurrections and Epiphanies
Author:

lls_mutant (lupinslittlesis)
Written for:

penhaligonblue
Rating: PG
Prompt: Apologist fic: Remus/Tonks as a marriage of convenience, with a little Tonks/Charlie on the side; Homophobia in everyday situations
Summary: They weren't supposed to survive the war. And now, Remus wasn't sure what was supposed to happen next.
Any other notes, warnings, etc.: AU. Thanks to

velvetmouse for the beta! Hope that Remus isn't too passive in this for you, and that you enjoy it! Have a great holiday!

The Wizarding World was celebrating, and with good reason. Fireworks, feasts, and festivities… the air rang with laughter and bangs and music.

Well, most of the Wizarding World was celebrating.

The house was quiet. They'd never named it, Remus suddenly realized, this tiny little cottage that they'd said they'd make a home. He finished making the tea and brought it out on a tray to Tonks.

"I didn't think we'd survive that," he said.

"What, getting Teddy down to sleep?" she asked, but without the twinkle such a remark would have warranted. She was so tired- it was obvious from the mouse brown hair, the bags under her eyes, and the wider hips and paunchy stomach that recent childbirth had left her with. She smiled as he sat, but the smile leached off her face immediately. "Somehow," she said, "I don't think we were meant to."

"Yes." He had to agree. It had been a chilling moment, standing there over Doholev's body and realizing he wished it had been the other way around, that he was the one lying on the floor. But he couldn't bring himself to say the words that were on his mind.

Tonks could, though. "So," she said, sipping her tea, "what do we do now?"

Remus lifted the cup to his lips automatically, and then put it back down without taking a sip. "Either we say that everything we said that night was because you were in labor and we were scared and taking it out on each other…"

"Or we say we said it because it was the truth," Tonks finished. "I want to be able to do the first."

"I know what you mean. But it's the second that's real, isn't it?"

Tonks looked down. "You deserve better," she said in a small voice. "You shouldn't live your life in second place. You kept telling me that all that year, and I thought I finally believed you and moved on from him. But-"

"Let's not rehash it," Remus said dryly.

Tonks nodded and wiped at her eyes, and then looked up at him swiftly. "And the thing is, Remus," she said, "you were right. And with you, I'm in second place again, aren't I?"

"I never said-"

"You never had to." Tonks drew in a deep, shaking breath. "And I'd rather you didn't."

"I'm sorry," he said sincerely.

"I think," Tonks said, and then shook herself, "I think it's best if we don't pretend. Let's leave it now, while we can be friends and get along and not hurt each other worse. It's never going to work- we tried it for a year- and Teddy will be better off if we don't tear each other to shreds."

He should feel sad when she said that, but all he felt was relief. He nodded. "I'll go pack," he said.

***

"Remus," Professor McGonagall said when she appeared at Shell Cottage a few nights later, "how are you doing?"

"Better than you'd think," Remus admitted. "But not terribly fond of sleeping on a friend's couch."

"I didn't think you would be," McGonagall said, with what passed for sympathy from her. "But it leads nicely into what I want to discuss with you."

"Oh?"

McGonagall cleared her throat. "Defense Against the Dark Arts has been through a lot, but Dumbledore believed- as do I- that it's vital that our students continue to learn it. Now that the curse has been lifted off the position, we can actually fill it. When you taught the course four years ago-"

Remus held up a hand. "None of the parents were aware that I was a werewolf then, remember? Now they are."

"Yes, but they're also aware you're a war hero. I think you'll find that the two will cancel each other out, and after the first week your students will be cursing you just like they curse any other teacher."

The idea of teaching again flooded Remus with excitement and happiness. He smiled. "I'd love to accept," he said, holding out his hand.

***

The first year was busy. He had curriculums to set and papers to grade, plus the castle required repairs and wars didn't just end and go away in a day's time. There were students to supervise, halls to patrol, and oh yes, a son to help raise.

On weekends Teddy was his, and for all their exhausting drudgery, weekends were heaven. When Teddy first smiled at him, when he sat up, when he began to pull on Remus's robe… when his eyes lit up with recognition when Remus arrived to pick him up, when he cried because Daddy wouldn't play with him right then and there… it all embraced him, healing his wounds and melting his heart. And come spring, when he was walking outside with the cold breeze on his face and the scent of rain heavy in his nostrils, he realized he was content for the first time since Sirius had died.

That was why the first owl hit him the way it did.

He was so sure he'd been discreet, meeting Lucas quietly in a corner booth at the Three Broomsticks, not drawing any attention to themselves. They'd left together, yes, but no one had known where they'd gone, had they? And they hadn't even touched each other in public.

And yet, the parchment was full of words and phrases like "sodomite" and "unnatural" and "don't want your type teaching my children, thank you very much."

"It's ridiculous," McGonagall snorted when he gave her the letter. "After all, Albus was revered and he was homosexual."

"He was?" Remus asked, surprised. "I didn't know that." He grinned ironically. "Which sort of proves my point."

"I see what you mean." McGonagall adjusted her glasses. "Well, I have no intention of firing you for your sexual preferences, no matter what the public says, so I would just discard any letters you may receive."

"But-"

"Remus," McGonagall said, "do you want to be fired?"

"No."

"Well, then. What's left to discuss?" She glanced at her clock and then picked up some paperwork. "I believe your Ravenclaw fifth years are due in your classroom any minute," she told him sternly. "And missing your classes is something I will fire you for."

Remus smiled at her. "Thank you, Headmistress," he said, and left, closing the door behind him.

***

He met with Lucas twice more, and then let it peter out. Partly because the letter had taken the shine off, leaving him uncertain and unable to relax, but more because this wasn't what he really wanted in the first place.

And yet, thirteen more owls came in, and someone threw a rock at him in Hogsmeade. It shouldn't have bothered him- he'd spent his entire life being reviled for what he was. And yet, it did, maybe because he thought that part of his life was over.

"I'm not sure what to do about it," he confided to Tonks one day when he picked Teddy up.

"Well, you really only have two choices, don't you?" Tonks said. "You can lie about it or you can ignore it. You're not in any danger of losing your job."

Tonks looked so much better these days. It wasn't so much her physical appearance, but her demeanor. She wasn't as happy-go-lucky as she'd once been, of course, but she seemed so much more confident. Remus had the suspicion that there was someone else, but he wasn't sure on what the etiquette of asking was. As an ex, he was quite sure he didn't have the right. But as Teddy's father, he rather thought he did.

"Who is he?" he heard himself bluntly asking.

Tonks stared at him for a moment, and then laughed. "You do know me well, Remus," she admitted. "Too well."

Remus sighed. "Charlie Weasley." Tonks had the grace to look guilty. "Look, Dora. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life. But I don't want Teddy-"

"We're getting married," Tonks said, steamrolling over any protestation he was trying to make.

"What did you say?" he asked, goggling at her.

"You heard me." Tonks sat down, folding her hands in her lap. "I know I should have told you sooner, but I wanted to be sure this was really going somewhere before I made a big deal out of it. I haven't told anyone else yet, not even my mother."

Remus nodded, and to his chagrin his eyes flooded with tears. He blinked rapidly, and cleared his throat. "Well," he said, his voice sounding rusty and unused, "congratulations to you both."

"Thank you. Remus, are you all right?"

"I'm fine." He forced a smile, and as he did he felt his face returning to normal. "Is Teddy ready to go?"

It wasn't that he felt like he was being replaced, or that it hurt that she had found someone else. But it was the fear… the fear that now Teddy would have a normal family, and what use would he have for a gay, werewolf, weekend father now?

***

Remus was drifting, he knew that. Oh, at times he could focus. He could teach his students, he could play with his son. But when no one else was demanding his attention, the void came up and swallowed him. And he didn't mind. It was easier that way.

McGonagall received a petition. He wasn't supposed to know about it, but he heard anyway. One of the Hufflepuff seventh years called him a fag to his face after he'd handed back an essay with a two out of ten, and he heard his own name in some very off-color jokes when the students thought the teachers weren't listening. It was strange; it didn't change his life in any sort of way, and yet, it still affected it. It affected him, and he wasn't sure how to fight it. So he didn't, and he just drifted along.

And then one day, everything changed.

***

It was two thirteen on a winter morning when McGonagall poked her head through the Floo. "Professor Lupin," she said. "Please come up to the infirmary immediately." She was gone before he could confirm a thing.

Remus rubbed his eyes and slid out of bed. The floor was cold under his feet, and he pulled a robe on over his pajamas as he slid his feet into his shoes. He hoped that it wasn't one of his students, but he had a bad feeling that it was.

He wasn't at all prepared for the sight of Sirius laying on the bed, his eyes closed and his skin pale, still wearing the same robes he'd worn when he'd fallen through the Veil four years before. And he was breathing.

Remus turned around and fled the room.

***

Sirius found him almost twelve hours later, sitting in front of the Mirror of Erised. Remus knew the reflection long before he sat down; Sirius on one side of him, Teddy on the other, the full moon shining down on all three of them. It was strange to see part of that become a reality.

"Of all the things I'd thought I'd find when I came back," Sirius said softly as he sat beside Remus, "you running away wasn't one of them."

Remus buried his face in his arms. "I know," he said. "I'm sorry."

"Why did you run?" Sirius asked. "McGonagall told me about Tonks."

"That had nothing to do with it." Remus didn't want to, but he turned and touched Sirius gently. His hand didn't pass through him, much to his surprise. "You're real."

"Well, yes."

"You're real," Remus repeated, his throat closing. "This can't be happening. This isn't happening."

"Why not?" Sirius laughed.

"Because good things don't happen to me."

It was melodramatic and childish; Remus knew it the second the words were out of his mouth. All he had to do was look at the Mirror and see Teddy's face to know just how wrong that statement was. And yet, he couldn't deny it, either.

Sirius just shrugged. "I always thought I could say the same," he said. "But here we are." Remus nodded, and Sirius managed a crooked smile. "Let's just not talk for a bit, okay?" he said. "It might be best."

He slipped his arm around Remus's waist, and impulsively, Remus leaned against him. He was so solid and warm, so real. A million questions were racing through his head, but he was afraid to speak, afraid that sound would shatter this reality.

He closed his eyes and let himself hope.

***

The news that Sirius Black had ostensibly returned from the dead splashed into headlines and across the front pages of the Daily Prophet. Remus had been expecting it, but he hadn't been prepared for it. Neither had Sirius, who was still withdrawn and brittle around the edges, still adjusting to having been gone for four years.

He was staying at Hogwarts. He was asked for interviews, for the Prophet, the wireless, research articles. Sirius gave them uncertainly- a new trait in him that Remus wasn't used to and wasn't sure he liked. But God knew he understood it.

They didn't spend much time together in public. Remus still had classes to teach and papers to grade, and Sirius was more comfortable without people staring at him and spent as much time as he could with Harry. And hanging between them was the huge, unspoken past with Tonks and Teddy, and how could you forget me so fast and you broke my heart, how could you leave me if you were still alive?. But in the nights they found each other, sitting by the fire and mending more with silences than with words.

Tonks raised her eyebrows when she heard it, and wisely stayed as far away as possible. But Remus noticed that after a while, Teddy was staying more and more with her.

"You should fight her," Sirius said one night in December. "It's not right. I'm not saying she knows what she's doing, but-"

"I suppose she's just trying to protect him," Remus said glumly.

"From you."

"From the situation. From us. From getting hurt before we sort this mess out."

"And you think that's best?" Sirius asked incredulously. Remus shrugged. "Remus, we will work through this. I'm not sure of much, but I am sure of that. Isn't it better for everyone to get used to it now rather than later?"

"I-"

"Including you?"

Remus winced. The truth was he was tired of fighting, but when he looked at Sirius he knew that it wasn't ever going to end. That was the price for having what he loved- always having to fight for it. He sighed and closed his eyes.

"You're right," he said. "I'll go."

***

"No," he told her.

Tonks blinked at him. "Excuse me?"

"Weekends are mine," Remus told her firmly. "We agreed."

"Of course," Tonks said uncertainly. "But I thought… now that Sirius is back…."

"You thought that I didn't need Teddy in my life just because of Sirius?" Remus asked, arching an eyebrow.

"I thought that you needed a little time to sort out your life with Sirius," Tonks said with a scowl.

"I do." Remus felt his back straighten and the blood pound in his veins. "And it's best if we begin how I mean to continue on. Otherwise, it's just going to get worse."

Tonks looked amused, and Remus realized that she didn't see it quite the same way as he did. Well, she wouldn't, would she? "Fine," she said. "I'll get him together."

He brought Teddy home with him, an awkwardly walking bundle of blue hair and shrieky giggles. Sirius stared at him for a long time.

"So this is your son," he said carefully.

"Yes." Remus thrust his chin out. "And we're a package deal. You want to be a part of my life, Teddy comes with it."

Sirius stared at him oddly. "Of course," he said. "I didn't expect it would be any other way. But I was worried it might be."

"It won't," Remus promised.

It wasn't Sirius he was promising, or even Teddy. It was himself. This was his life. This was his happiness. And this time, no one was taking it away from him.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

leafyaki.livejournal.com

Ah, my heart hurts at several parts of this story, but the ending more than made up for the hurt :'D This absolutely made me melt: When Teddy first smiled at him, when he sat up, when he began to pull on Remus's robe… when his eyes lit up with recognition when Remus arrived to pick him up, when he cried because Daddy wouldn't play with him right then and there… it all embraced him, healing his wounds and melting his heart. AWWW, Teddy. And awww too, Remus ;__;

And this nearly broke my heart: "Because good things don't happen to me." Thank you for eventually making good things happen to Remus! Because he deserves it X) Lovely fic! :D

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FIC for penhaigonblue: Resurrections and Epiphanies

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