Fic: How Sirius Spent Christmas '95 for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
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Nov. 30th, 2008 04:35 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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small_giftsTitle: How Sirius Spent Christmas '95
Author:lhazzie
Written for:riot_grrrl_ria
Rating: PG-13
Prompt: A hideously ugly, oversized jumper.
Summary: Sirius is depressed, though the prospect of Christmas cheers him up a little, and Remus gets to be the lucky recipient of his enthusiasm.
After Harry had left for school in September, Sirius had stopped talking.
He had been making a concerted effort to try and include himself in Order meeting up until that point, finding out ways he could help and constantly fighting to be allowed out of the house. But after Harry left he withdrew completely, developing a lack of punctuality for meetings, eating either large unhealthy meals several times a day or not eating more than toast and apples for up to a week at a time. Molly Weasley berated him as if he were one of her unruly brood who needed brought back in line, but this just ensured that Sirius spent more time avoiding people and shutting himself up in Buckbeak’s room. A couple of times, McGonagall had tried to have a quiet word with Sirius, using her no nonsense manner to tell him that he looked awful and that she wished he would make more of an effort to look after himself.
Other people just looked at him worriedly, but didn’t say anything to his face –though he did notice a few whispered conversations that were hurriedly ended when he entered a room. The only time he was seen to have any reaction to Order news was when Mundungus Fletcher reported that Harry and his friends were planning a subversive Defence Against the Dark Arts group.
Remus tried a whole range of tactics. From simply ignoring him completely to taking meals to him at regular times. All Sirius would accept though, were cups of tea brought to him while he was reading. And after a little bit of practice balancing the amount of milk and with a little help from Molly’s own creations, Remus was able to add in a tasteless nutritional potion to the tea in weeks when Sirius wasn’t eating, and a range of vitamins to balance his choices in weeks when he was.
The most worrying aspect though, was the total lack of speech.
Sirius still read books, still accompanied Remus on the full moons that were spent in the cellar at Grimmauld Place, and still wandered round the house aimlessly, or crawled into bed with Remus when he couldn’t sleep, but for three months he did not utter a single word, instead communicating through nodding and shaking his head, shrugging, staring at people, or just ignoring them completely. When he was haunted by nightmares he would once have told Remus while the other man held him and stroked his hair. Now he sought comfort though possessive shows of dominance or with complete submission. Through fumbled nights of passion, and kissing, touching, gasping, moaning, lost in each other and hiding from the world. And through complete satisfaction and a sense of belonging that both men would have denied in the cold light of day.
***
On the first of December Sirius finally broke out of the foul mood.
Remus was sitting in the kitchen, looking relatively healthy at the new moon and eating toast, the newspaper crossword and a pencil in front of him. It was only half past seven in the morning as so he was surprised to hear footsteps on the stairs.
When Sirius reached the basement kitchen he leant against the door frame and grinned at Remus, who was gawping unattractively.
“Morning, Moony.” Sirius greeted cheerfully, “Any tea in the pot?”
“Um, yes. Can’t promise it’s still hot. You’re up early. Or have you not been to bed yet?”
Sirius’s sleeping patterns had been unpredictable even before the horrors of Azkaban had brought chronic insomnia and nightmares.
“I slept alright actually. Relatively speaking anyway,” he helped himself to tea and sat opposite Remus at the table, both hands wrapped carefully around the mug. “I woke up early though, I’ve been planning Christmas presents." Sirius picked up the pencil from next to the crossword and reached over to the pile of scrap bits of parchment and old envelopes to find a decent piece of note-paper.
“I know that Dumbledore reckons Harry will be safer at Hogwarts for Christmas, but he can’t stop me sending a present. And I can get you something, I’ve missed enough years of presents, and Molly probably deserves something nice as a thank you for keeping house all summer and bringing us food all the time.” he wrote down their names. “What would you like?” he asked.
“You don’t need to get me anything, Sirius.” Remus assured him, “Just get something for Harry, and write Molly a note –she’ll only feel guilty if you buy her something, and it’s a bit of a cheat unless you tell her what it’s for. Which, knowing you, I assume you won’t.”
Sirius stared. “If I say thanks, she’ll get all self righteous and smug. I’ll just buy her a hat or something, and then everyone’s happy.”
“At least ask Arthur about it first?”
“I suppose. What about Harry then? Something to help him subvert Umbridge’s iron fist? I bet you’d like her head on a spike for Christmas?” Sirius nudged Remus and smiled.
“Of course, Sirius,” Remus sighed, smiling gently back, “orchestrating the downfall of Dolores Umbridge would be the best present you could give me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to shower and make this house at least half decent. I’m leaving in a week, and I’m not even nearly ready for the trip.” He excused himself and retreated upstairs, leaving Sirius to his scheming.
***
Remus left for the Czech Republic the following week, following a lead Dumbledore had received, and although he wasn’t able to send letters back about his progress, he did twice manage to send out an owl with some token from his adventures. Once, a Muggle coin and the second time a carefully wrapped sugared bread roll, and a note that simply stated his return late on Christmas Eve, signed with his initials and a smiley face.
Sirius remained somewhat cheerful throughout December, and browsed at length through a range of catalogues that Remus had brought for him, choosing and ordering a set of books for Harry, and after consulting Arthur Weasley he reluctantly agreed to write a proper thank you letter to Molly for looking after the house and continuing to provide them with food on occasion, but he also contributed a small amount of money, stealthily sent via Bill, to ensure that Arthur could get her a proper present without anyone worrying about the cost.
He began to form a plan for a present for Remus as well, ignoring the insistence that he be left out.
***
Remus arrived back from Eastern Europe at about two o’clock on Christmas morning. Sirius was waiting in the kitchen and hurriedly explained about Arthur’s injuries and their unexpected guests. Remus talked about his journey and the places he had been able to see while he was away. His official report for the Order would wait, for now he was simply a tired man who had returned from a holiday.
“...and the markets were amazing, Pads, all sorts of crafts and they have a tradition of making puppets, which are just everywhere! And it was so cold you wouldn’t believe, I was wrapped up in layers and layers and still had to stop for mulled wine all the time, oh! And they have these amazing sausages, with little stalls, and, –what are you grinning at?” he broke off when he noticed Sirius struggling not to laugh.
“You, you daft berk. Being all enthusiastic. We should send you on holiday more often.”
“You don’t mind? I know you would have loved to come with...” Remus asked, cautiously, aware how quickly Sirius could change moods.
“You can take me there when this is all over.” Sirius sighed deeply. “We always said that before, didn’t we? When it’s all over. You’d think I would have learned not to make plans by now.”
“Don’t be daft, Sirius, you’ve got to make plans for after because after is what we’re fighting for. Now stop being so melancholy, it’s Christmas.” Remus chastised.
“I thought melancholy was the whole point of Christmas?”
“Not in my house. And so long as I’m living under your roof, I, umm... Will inflict my cheery spirit on you?” they were both laughing now, “Speaking of the C-word, did you manage to get your present buying sorted?”
“I ensured that Harry will overcome tyranny through the magic of books. I wrote that it was from both of us on the tag, seeing as it’s your goal in life too. And I had my arm twisted by Arthur, I sent Molly a proper note. Then snuck some money though Bill to make sure she gets some nice presents this year. You didn’t ban that.”
“Well, haven’t you behaved, following my advice and the like. Good dog.” Remus reached over and patted Sirius on the head, while he squirmed and pretended not to enjoy it. “Seriously though, how are you doing?”
“Not bad,” Sirius shrugged, no longer meeting Remus’s eye, “I sleep alright if I have a drink before bed. Which I know you won’t approve of, but it’s not as if you were here.” he trailed off, and Remus stayed silent. It was the first time either of them had made reference to the mutual comfort they had sought.
“Sirius,” he began after a moment, “if you want– Um. I mean, I, erm.” he stopped again, unable to actually start this conversation.
“I did get you a Christmas present.” Sirius announced after a brief pause. “I wasn’t going to tell you ‘til morning, but you may as well have it now.” he felt awkward, aware of what Remus had been trying to talk about and equally uncomfortable with it. “Come with me.”
Remus hovered in the doorway of Sirius’s bedroom while he rummaged under the bed and eventually produced a large squashy package wrapped in red paper with gold christmas trees on it. “Happy Christmas.”
Remus tore into the paper eagerly and unfolded the contents,
“It’s, um, ...a jumper?”
“I knitted it myself,” Sirius explained, “I know it’s not very good, and you don’t have to wear it, and Molly offered to fix it for me, but you didn’t really want presents so I thought you wouldn’t mind anyway, but you’re always cold after Moons, and no one would see, and–” Remus cut the rambling short with a well placed silencing spell, and struggled into the hideous jumper as best he could.
“It’s a little large,” he stifled a laugh as he rolled back the cuffs to free his hands. “But I’m sure I’ll manage somehow. It’ll protect my modesty if all of my trousers are lost unexpectedly. And I can always share with you if you get cold and are without warming layers. In fact, we could probably fit a third person in it too. If you’re into that kind of thing,” he added a wink to the last part and crossed the room to stand in front of Sirius, who stamped his foot and pointed to his throat.
Which Remus promptly kissed.
Sirius’s eyebrows looked in danger of disappearing permanently over the top of his head, and Remus chuckled and removed the silencing spell.
“What the hell, Moony?” he demanded, more surprised than angry.
Remus shrugged, “I like my present. It would have been great in Prague. And I missed you.”
“You, ah, missed me?”
“I know that we don’t talk about this stuff, but we’re at war, we might die, I missed you, and you make me feel safe. And now I sound like a woman.”
“Yes.”
“I don’t mean to inflict emotions on you. I’m just saying that I like seeking comfort from you, I like the way we do it. I know you’ve cheered up a bit, but I still lie awake in the dark just as often as I did before.”
“Right, I...” Sirius took a deep breath and continued, “Would you like to have some comfort now?” Only the barest hint of nervousness was noticable in his voice.
“That depends.” Remus placed his hands on the other man’s shoulders and looked him right in the eye, “Can I keep the jumper on?”
They were both laughing as Remus pushed Sirius down onto the bed, already kissing down his throat, hands insinuating themselves under clothes.
“Hmm, Happy Christmas by the way Sirius.”
Sirius said nothing, just flipped them over and crawled into the bottom of the jumper.
“You were right, I do fit in as well."
They didn't say much for a while after that.
Author:
lhazzieWritten for:
riot_grrrl_riaRating: PG-13
Prompt: A hideously ugly, oversized jumper.
Summary: Sirius is depressed, though the prospect of Christmas cheers him up a little, and Remus gets to be the lucky recipient of his enthusiasm.
After Harry had left for school in September, Sirius had stopped talking.
He had been making a concerted effort to try and include himself in Order meeting up until that point, finding out ways he could help and constantly fighting to be allowed out of the house. But after Harry left he withdrew completely, developing a lack of punctuality for meetings, eating either large unhealthy meals several times a day or not eating more than toast and apples for up to a week at a time. Molly Weasley berated him as if he were one of her unruly brood who needed brought back in line, but this just ensured that Sirius spent more time avoiding people and shutting himself up in Buckbeak’s room. A couple of times, McGonagall had tried to have a quiet word with Sirius, using her no nonsense manner to tell him that he looked awful and that she wished he would make more of an effort to look after himself.
Other people just looked at him worriedly, but didn’t say anything to his face –though he did notice a few whispered conversations that were hurriedly ended when he entered a room. The only time he was seen to have any reaction to Order news was when Mundungus Fletcher reported that Harry and his friends were planning a subversive Defence Against the Dark Arts group.
Remus tried a whole range of tactics. From simply ignoring him completely to taking meals to him at regular times. All Sirius would accept though, were cups of tea brought to him while he was reading. And after a little bit of practice balancing the amount of milk and with a little help from Molly’s own creations, Remus was able to add in a tasteless nutritional potion to the tea in weeks when Sirius wasn’t eating, and a range of vitamins to balance his choices in weeks when he was.
The most worrying aspect though, was the total lack of speech.
Sirius still read books, still accompanied Remus on the full moons that were spent in the cellar at Grimmauld Place, and still wandered round the house aimlessly, or crawled into bed with Remus when he couldn’t sleep, but for three months he did not utter a single word, instead communicating through nodding and shaking his head, shrugging, staring at people, or just ignoring them completely. When he was haunted by nightmares he would once have told Remus while the other man held him and stroked his hair. Now he sought comfort though possessive shows of dominance or with complete submission. Through fumbled nights of passion, and kissing, touching, gasping, moaning, lost in each other and hiding from the world. And through complete satisfaction and a sense of belonging that both men would have denied in the cold light of day.
***
On the first of December Sirius finally broke out of the foul mood.
Remus was sitting in the kitchen, looking relatively healthy at the new moon and eating toast, the newspaper crossword and a pencil in front of him. It was only half past seven in the morning as so he was surprised to hear footsteps on the stairs.
When Sirius reached the basement kitchen he leant against the door frame and grinned at Remus, who was gawping unattractively.
“Morning, Moony.” Sirius greeted cheerfully, “Any tea in the pot?”
“Um, yes. Can’t promise it’s still hot. You’re up early. Or have you not been to bed yet?”
Sirius’s sleeping patterns had been unpredictable even before the horrors of Azkaban had brought chronic insomnia and nightmares.
“I slept alright actually. Relatively speaking anyway,” he helped himself to tea and sat opposite Remus at the table, both hands wrapped carefully around the mug. “I woke up early though, I’ve been planning Christmas presents." Sirius picked up the pencil from next to the crossword and reached over to the pile of scrap bits of parchment and old envelopes to find a decent piece of note-paper.
“I know that Dumbledore reckons Harry will be safer at Hogwarts for Christmas, but he can’t stop me sending a present. And I can get you something, I’ve missed enough years of presents, and Molly probably deserves something nice as a thank you for keeping house all summer and bringing us food all the time.” he wrote down their names. “What would you like?” he asked.
“You don’t need to get me anything, Sirius.” Remus assured him, “Just get something for Harry, and write Molly a note –she’ll only feel guilty if you buy her something, and it’s a bit of a cheat unless you tell her what it’s for. Which, knowing you, I assume you won’t.”
Sirius stared. “If I say thanks, she’ll get all self righteous and smug. I’ll just buy her a hat or something, and then everyone’s happy.”
“At least ask Arthur about it first?”
“I suppose. What about Harry then? Something to help him subvert Umbridge’s iron fist? I bet you’d like her head on a spike for Christmas?” Sirius nudged Remus and smiled.
“Of course, Sirius,” Remus sighed, smiling gently back, “orchestrating the downfall of Dolores Umbridge would be the best present you could give me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to shower and make this house at least half decent. I’m leaving in a week, and I’m not even nearly ready for the trip.” He excused himself and retreated upstairs, leaving Sirius to his scheming.
***
Remus left for the Czech Republic the following week, following a lead Dumbledore had received, and although he wasn’t able to send letters back about his progress, he did twice manage to send out an owl with some token from his adventures. Once, a Muggle coin and the second time a carefully wrapped sugared bread roll, and a note that simply stated his return late on Christmas Eve, signed with his initials and a smiley face.
Sirius remained somewhat cheerful throughout December, and browsed at length through a range of catalogues that Remus had brought for him, choosing and ordering a set of books for Harry, and after consulting Arthur Weasley he reluctantly agreed to write a proper thank you letter to Molly for looking after the house and continuing to provide them with food on occasion, but he also contributed a small amount of money, stealthily sent via Bill, to ensure that Arthur could get her a proper present without anyone worrying about the cost.
He began to form a plan for a present for Remus as well, ignoring the insistence that he be left out.
***
Remus arrived back from Eastern Europe at about two o’clock on Christmas morning. Sirius was waiting in the kitchen and hurriedly explained about Arthur’s injuries and their unexpected guests. Remus talked about his journey and the places he had been able to see while he was away. His official report for the Order would wait, for now he was simply a tired man who had returned from a holiday.
“...and the markets were amazing, Pads, all sorts of crafts and they have a tradition of making puppets, which are just everywhere! And it was so cold you wouldn’t believe, I was wrapped up in layers and layers and still had to stop for mulled wine all the time, oh! And they have these amazing sausages, with little stalls, and, –what are you grinning at?” he broke off when he noticed Sirius struggling not to laugh.
“You, you daft berk. Being all enthusiastic. We should send you on holiday more often.”
“You don’t mind? I know you would have loved to come with...” Remus asked, cautiously, aware how quickly Sirius could change moods.
“You can take me there when this is all over.” Sirius sighed deeply. “We always said that before, didn’t we? When it’s all over. You’d think I would have learned not to make plans by now.”
“Don’t be daft, Sirius, you’ve got to make plans for after because after is what we’re fighting for. Now stop being so melancholy, it’s Christmas.” Remus chastised.
“I thought melancholy was the whole point of Christmas?”
“Not in my house. And so long as I’m living under your roof, I, umm... Will inflict my cheery spirit on you?” they were both laughing now, “Speaking of the C-word, did you manage to get your present buying sorted?”
“I ensured that Harry will overcome tyranny through the magic of books. I wrote that it was from both of us on the tag, seeing as it’s your goal in life too. And I had my arm twisted by Arthur, I sent Molly a proper note. Then snuck some money though Bill to make sure she gets some nice presents this year. You didn’t ban that.”
“Well, haven’t you behaved, following my advice and the like. Good dog.” Remus reached over and patted Sirius on the head, while he squirmed and pretended not to enjoy it. “Seriously though, how are you doing?”
“Not bad,” Sirius shrugged, no longer meeting Remus’s eye, “I sleep alright if I have a drink before bed. Which I know you won’t approve of, but it’s not as if you were here.” he trailed off, and Remus stayed silent. It was the first time either of them had made reference to the mutual comfort they had sought.
“Sirius,” he began after a moment, “if you want– Um. I mean, I, erm.” he stopped again, unable to actually start this conversation.
“I did get you a Christmas present.” Sirius announced after a brief pause. “I wasn’t going to tell you ‘til morning, but you may as well have it now.” he felt awkward, aware of what Remus had been trying to talk about and equally uncomfortable with it. “Come with me.”
Remus hovered in the doorway of Sirius’s bedroom while he rummaged under the bed and eventually produced a large squashy package wrapped in red paper with gold christmas trees on it. “Happy Christmas.”
Remus tore into the paper eagerly and unfolded the contents,
“It’s, um, ...a jumper?”
“I knitted it myself,” Sirius explained, “I know it’s not very good, and you don’t have to wear it, and Molly offered to fix it for me, but you didn’t really want presents so I thought you wouldn’t mind anyway, but you’re always cold after Moons, and no one would see, and–” Remus cut the rambling short with a well placed silencing spell, and struggled into the hideous jumper as best he could.
“It’s a little large,” he stifled a laugh as he rolled back the cuffs to free his hands. “But I’m sure I’ll manage somehow. It’ll protect my modesty if all of my trousers are lost unexpectedly. And I can always share with you if you get cold and are without warming layers. In fact, we could probably fit a third person in it too. If you’re into that kind of thing,” he added a wink to the last part and crossed the room to stand in front of Sirius, who stamped his foot and pointed to his throat.
Which Remus promptly kissed.
Sirius’s eyebrows looked in danger of disappearing permanently over the top of his head, and Remus chuckled and removed the silencing spell.
“What the hell, Moony?” he demanded, more surprised than angry.
Remus shrugged, “I like my present. It would have been great in Prague. And I missed you.”
“You, ah, missed me?”
“I know that we don’t talk about this stuff, but we’re at war, we might die, I missed you, and you make me feel safe. And now I sound like a woman.”
“Yes.”
“I don’t mean to inflict emotions on you. I’m just saying that I like seeking comfort from you, I like the way we do it. I know you’ve cheered up a bit, but I still lie awake in the dark just as often as I did before.”
“Right, I...” Sirius took a deep breath and continued, “Would you like to have some comfort now?” Only the barest hint of nervousness was noticable in his voice.
“That depends.” Remus placed his hands on the other man’s shoulders and looked him right in the eye, “Can I keep the jumper on?”
They were both laughing as Remus pushed Sirius down onto the bed, already kissing down his throat, hands insinuating themselves under clothes.
“Hmm, Happy Christmas by the way Sirius.”
Sirius said nothing, just flipped them over and crawled into the bottom of the jumper.
“You were right, I do fit in as well."
They didn't say much for a while after that.
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no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 02:30 pm (UTC):D
:D
This made me smile so hard! Aww, Sirius! And crawling into the jumper! X) I love it! Sweet and not overly fluffy :)
no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 02:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 02:58 pm (UTC)But seriously, this was rather adorable. Remus just accepting that Sirius wouldn't talk, and loving him anyway...that's perfect. And a two-person sweater? Who doesn't want one of those? Lovely entry!
no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 05:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 03:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 04:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 04:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 06:24 pm (UTC)Oh, Sirius! I don't know whether to smile or frown at that, but it's great characterisation. I also love what he later does about Molly and Arthur's gift.
The last scene is sweet - I love that Remus doesn't mess around, and the way they keep it pretty matter of fact, even though what's really going on behind the words is a big deal.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 07:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 07:24 pm (UTC)Love this too...
I know that we don’t talk about this stuff, but we’re at war, we might die, I missed you, and you make me feel safe. And now I sound like a woman.
Tee hee
lovely
no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 07:38 pm (UTC)This story warmed me up like an overly large jumper. Well done!
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Date: 2008-12-08 08:59 pm (UTC)By the way, can I have first dibs on that handmade sweater? My office is freezing today!
no subject
Date: 2008-12-09 12:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-09 01:35 am (UTC)I really liked that Sirius sneaked money to Bill for Molly and that he knitted a jumper himself.
It’ll protect my modesty if all of my trousers are lost unexpectedly. And I can always share with you if you get cold and are without warming layers. In fact, we could probably fit a third person in it too. If you’re into that kind of thing,” Oh, Remus, you're so sweet and witty!
Lovely fic, honey, and just perfect for Ria!
no subject
Date: 2008-12-09 01:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-09 06:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-09 09:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-09 09:57 am (UTC)It has that wonderful mix of melancholy and hope and it's wonderfully written to boot.
Ooh, and I loved this bit:
Through fumbled nights of passion, and kissing, touching, gasping, moaning, lost in each other and hiding from the world. And through complete satisfaction and a sense of belonging that both men would have denied in the cold light of day.
I don't know what it is, but that part just gets me. Lovely.
Thank you so, so much ♥
no subject
Date: 2008-12-09 09:30 pm (UTC)And that bit especially, as I have a certain belief, way of thinking, type thing, about how Remus and Sirius were during that year, that I find it hard to convey in such a short way, and it would have had to detract from the main story to explain it further, so I was a little worried I hadn't applied it properly and I'm glad I got that across.
Does that make sense? I'm a little drunk right now.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 12:39 am (UTC)xxx
no subject
Date: 2008-12-24 01:56 pm (UTC)You convey mood very well - the silence of the first half and the tentative, awkward love in the second.
Simply marvellous!
On another note, I *adore* your icon. Is it snaggable? :)
*mems fic happily*
no subject
Date: 2008-12-24 06:09 pm (UTC)Also, you're welcome to my icon so long as I'm credited :) *is incredibly flattered*
no subject
Date: 2008-12-27 05:46 pm (UTC)Sorry to comment so late! I had exams, and then hols, and now I am here catching up as best I can.