small_gifts | Fic: The Unintended

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Title: The Unintended
Author:

brighty18
For:

shadowclub (a fellow Ohioan!) Happy holidays! I hope that you like it!
Rating: PG13 (for swearing, non-graphic underwater wanking, rude mistletoe, and implied sexual activity)
Prompts: Remus finds himself locked out of the room in nothing but a towel and Sirius gives the worst gifts. Fond of dialog, comedy, and drama.
Summary: Remus becomes the unwilling victim of a prank intended for James and engages in a perilous journey from the Prefects’ Bathroom to the Gryffindor Common Room. Other characters include James, Lily, (implied) Peter, Moaning Myrtle, the Mermaid’s Portrait, and some random, over-sexed Ravenclaws.
Disclaimer: These characters are not now, and have never have been, my property. All belongs to Rowling.

With apologies to Jane Austen…

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman, in possession of a secret should allow it to remain so. Sadly, she so rarely does. It is another truth universally acknowledged (at least within the walls of Hogwarts) that James Potter is an utter prat. When combined, those two truths unequivocally equal disaster and, regrettably, this disaster can descend not upon the intended victim (in this case, James), nor upon the prankster, herself (shockingly, Lily), but upon the utterly innocent Remus Lupin.

Over her six years at Hogwarts, Lily Evans had grown increasingly tired of the Marauders. With the exception of Remus, the boys were entirely irritating. They thought they were amusing, witty, uproariously funny, but truthfully they were just annoying as all hell - particularly James Potter. His last few pranks on Severus had set Lily's teeth on edge. Who the hell did he think he was, anyway? "So, now," she thought to herself, "it's time for payback. Let's see how he likes a taste of his own proverbial medicine."

Unfortunately, Lily made the tactical error of calling upon a friend for advice. She confided in Marlene McKinnon who told Emma Abbott who told Alice McMillan who accidentally mentioned to Frank Longbottom that Lily was out to prank James. Frank, of course, could not resist passing the news along to Fabian Prewitt who, naturally, blabbed to the entire House. By the time the news reached James's shocked ears, the rumor ran that Lily was ready to attempt an Unforgivable on him. James, of course, was thrilled. Lily Evans had noticed him! Even negative attention was attention, right? Still, he knew he had to be on ever on guard.

So careful was he as he crept silently through the corridors, Invisibility Cloak stashed under his robes. His plan was to appear totally natural, just the handsome Quidditch Captain on his way to take a bath, but truthfully, all he wanted to do was find Sirius. More precisely, James needed to find Sirius; he didn't exactly want to do so. After all, Sirius was currently taking a bath with Remus and, honestly, James had absolutely no desire to see what he might encounter there.

What James did not know was that Lily Evans was creeping along behind him on silent feet.

Wisely, he first knocked on the bathroom door, giving warning before whispering the password and barging in. He squeezed his eyes shut and opened the door.

"Oi! Padfoot! You need to go to the Owlery NOW!" His arms flailed as he blindly shouted his concern. Merlin only knew what those two were doing.

"Prongs, you can open your eyes now... and you're addressing the Mermaid, if you must know," said Remus calmly.

James reluctantly opened one eye. "Ooooh, the Owlery!" cooed the blushing Mermaid. She giggled and dove off of her rock, disappearing entirely.

"Stupid bint," muttered Sirius, adding, "Now what's this shite about the Owlery?"

"A very ill-mannered owl arrived for you, carrying an enormous package and angrily demanding payment. Looks like another of your damned Christmas gifts, Pads. I wasn't going to pay that damn thing. Hell, it could be my gift and I am sure as hell not paying for my own damned Christmas present. Heaven knows what you bought me this year!" James remained facing the empty portrait.

"You can turn around, you know. There's plenty of bubbles and it's not like you've not seen me starkers before, anyway," grumbled Sirius.

"But... Moony!"

"Moony is standing the officially prescribed three paces away from me, so it's perfectly safe. Besides, you've seen him starkers, too."

"That's different," James huffed, "it's not together." Truthfully, he had no issues with his two best friends being a couple. It was only that, apart from Lily Evans, James had no desire to imagine anyone engaged in any type of sexual activity - and even then it was only with him. But he grudgingly turned around to find Sirius clambering out of the bubble-filled bath and reaching for a towel.

"Mmmmm... nice arse!" teased Remus.

"SHUT UP!" whined James.

Sirius just sighed and began to dress. "Now why, precisely, must I go sprinting off to the Owlery when it is clearly freezing outside?" he asked.

"Because the bloody bird took the whatever-the-hell-it-was you ordered and went there. And now, unless you want somebody's Christmas present - maybe even mine - to be covered in slimy bird shite, you best go rescue it!"

"All right, all right, I'm coming!"

"Not bloody likely, at this rate," muttered Remus under his breath.

Fully dressed, Sirius leaned over to kiss his boyfriend good-bye. "We'll get to that later!"

"Enough!" shouted James, clearly annoyed at the sexual banter. "Let's go before my present is thoroughly shat upon!" Not that he was particularly worried; Sirius was known for giving the strangest presents known to Wizarding kind. Muggle radios charmed to play nothing but Queen? A never-ending supply of Chocolate Frogs that actually mated to produce offspring? (As the cocoa-flavored tadpoles turned out to be nothing but gelatinous goo, that one was unspeakably nasty.) A coffin-sized box of Super-Stink Rancid Dungbombs? Sirius' gifts were, to say the least, at wee bit over-the-top. He meant well. He was generous. He simply did not know when to quit.

Throwing the Invisibility Cloak over themselves, the pair exited the bathroom and headed toward the Owlery, leaving Remus horny and annoyed in a sea of fragrant bubbles. "Well, fuck!" he muttered to himself, and he began to wank.

Outside in the hallway, barely concealed by the statue of Gerald the Germaphobe, Lily Evans crouched in waiting. She'd seen James enter the bathroom, and, with his well-known phobia of seeing other people naked, she was quite confident that he had to be alone! Now all she had to do was sneak into the bathroom, create a distraction (the Wet Start Firework she'd brought should work nicely), steal his clothes, and run for it. Ha! The thought of James Potter slinking through the halls dripping wet in nothing but a towel made her laugh. (Though, secretly, she also found it alarmingly arousing.) She was about to abandon her hiding place and head toward the bathroom when the door opened and closed on its own. What the hell? She held her breath and waited. Minutes passed. Nothing moved. Could she have imagined it? Finally, she made her move.

Meanwhile, inside the bathroom, Remus was happily engaged in fantasy. In his mind, Sirius was still there, sucking lightly on his neck and rubbing his body against him. Rivulets of water ran down Sirius' broad, muscular back, collecting in that delicious dip above his firm arse. Vaguely, Remus remembered something he'd once read in a Muggle skin mag: holding your breath whilst wanking supposedly created the perfect orgasm. Curious, he drew in a deep breath and sank beneath the water. "Werewolves have enormous breath capacity," he reasoned, "so why not give it a try."

No sooner had he disappeared beneath the bubbles than the door softly opened and Lily crept into the bathroom.

Noting that James was fully underwater, Lily smiled to herself. "Thank Merlin for the bubbles," she thought, although she could stop herself from sneaking a peak at the hazy, underwater figure before stuffing the clothes in her bag. As she turned to leave, a new thought occurred to her: James Potter was a master at Transfiguration. He could easily Transfigure a lowly towel into something much more appropriate. "Better take his wand, too," she thought. Just as she reached for the wand, an enormous, waterlogged snort sounded from beneath the bubbles and a rather round, rather perfectly shaped backside emerged from the water. "Shit!" cursed Lily, blindly grabbing the wand and sprinting for the door.

Remus emerged from the water choking, his little experiment a virtual failure. He'd forgotten to keep his mouth closed during the moment of release and had, consequently, swallowed several pints of soap-flavored water. Cursing his own stupidity and spitting violet-colored bubbles, he pulled himself out of the tub and reached for a towel. Frankly, he was in a foul mood. His boyfriend had gone gallivanting off to the Owlery, he'd almost drowned himself, he still had to revise an enormous Charms essay and... and... where in bloody hell were his clothes? This was not amusing! He was quite positive that they'd been there earlier. In fact, he recalled looking over at his wand in consideration of casting a Silencing Charm before embarking on his ridiculous little exercise. But now his wand was gone, too. "ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME?" he screamed aloud.

From somewhere behind him came the ominous sound of female giggling. The Mermaid!

"Did you see who did this?" he asked her, unsuccessfully trying to conceal his irritation. "Was it Sirius and James?"

"Oh, nooooo," she answered, "they're in the Owlery!"

"Then who?" demanded Remus, not in the mood for flirtatious games with painted water-whores.

"I've no idea," she said brightly, "I was trying to meet James in the Owlery!"

Remus gave her a sour look and secured the towel tightly around his waist. "Thanks," he muttered, "as always, you've been exceedingly helpful!"

The Mermaid giggled again, "Oh, you're more than welcome, love. Shall I call Myrtle to come help you?"

"For the love of Merlin, NO!" shouted Remus as he stalked toward the door. He cracked it open slightly, peeking around the corner. Blessedly, no one was about so he was able to cautiously exit the bathroom and make his way toward the staircase. He was well aware that the safety of Gryffindor Tower was about ten minutes away at a full run. But, considering the precarious knot in his towel, running would be exceedingly incautious, if not downright foolish. So, gathering his courage, he moved as quickly and gracefully as possible toward the staircase.

On the stairs he passed the Grey Lady who gave him a shocked (although not entirely disapproving) look as she breezed by. And for the first time, he noticed the full effects of the cold air generated by the undead. "I hope whoever did this dies slowly and painfully," he thought to himself.

He slipped twice on the stairs, wincing as his naked arse came into contact with the icy marble. And once he had to squeeze uncomfortably behind the statue of Percival the Portly (thank Merlin it wasn't Godfred the Gaunt!) as what appeared to be an entire herd of Fourth Year Ravenclaws went storming past. It took them an eternity to climb the steps, laughing and squealing and teasing one another about who fancied whom! "I saw you eying that dark-haired Gryffindor boy," one of them teased her friend. "What's his name? Serious Blick?"

"Black!" came the dreamy reply, "Sirius Black, and he's soooooooo darling! He smiled at me the other day, too! I think he might really fancy me! Did you see it, Gwen? I was in the Library enduring yet another lecture about noisemaking from the annoying Gryffindor Prefect when Sirius walked by and smiled right at me! I almost died!" She trailed off in a fit of giggling.

"Lay off, bitch, he's mine," Remus cursed silently, wishing for all the world he had his wand.

The giggling soon passed into silence, and Remus felt free to wriggle his way out from behind the statue. Unfortunately, his towel did not make quite as graceful an exit, rudely snagging itself on the hilt of Percival's sword and refusing to budge, leaving a humiliated Remus stark naked on the landing. "Fuck!" he cursed, pulling violently at the towel. An ominous ripping sound filled the air and soon Remus found himself wearing what now amounted to a frayed, Hagrid-size washcloth, rather than the comfortably large bath towels provided to the Prefects.

It occurred to him that, had the situation been different, neither Sirius nor James would've been vexed. They were proud of their bodies - Sirius to the point of exhibitionism. James? Well, he might have minded. While he seemed to have a bizarre phobia about other people having sex, he cared little about his own nudity. But that was different. They were gorgeous - everyone wanted them. Sirius, especially, had tons of admirers. "Like that Ravenclaw bitch," Remus thought darkly. But him? He had far more to hide. Remus shivered and ran faster, self-consciously pulling the towel fragments over a particularly obvious scar on his hip.

He'd just reached the Fifth Floor landing and the corridor leading to Gryffindor Tower when sensed a new danger. The Holiday Season unfailingly brought Hogwarts the festive cheer of Singing Mistletoe. For days, Sirius had been avoiding a particularly vocal sprig placed somewhere in this hallway - or at least avoiding it in the presence of girls. Mindful of potential traps, Remus scurried forward, but failed to see the devious plant hiding in a rafter.

"HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING! STUDENTS NOT WEARING A THING!"

"Shut-up, you bloody parasitic twig!" whispered Remus.

"OH, HOLEY TOWEL, YOU'RE SHOWING SKIN SO BRIGHTLY..."

"Please! For the love of all that is good in the world, SHUT THE HELL UP!" Remus was rapidly becoming furious.

"I am sure it'll be quiet of you just kiss someone," came a droning voice. Remus scowled wondering how this moment could possibly get worse but, of course, his being Remus Lupin, things could always get worse. He turned to see Moaning Myrtle, delighted eyes wide and sparkling behind her thick glasses.

"The Mermaid told me about your predicament… you could always kiss me!" There was something different about the ghost, something that Remus could not quite put his finger on. And then it hit him like a Bludger to the face: she was smiling!

Above their heads and suddenly bereft of originality, the Mistletoe began to sing, "WE WISH YOU A NAKED CHRISTMAS! WE WISH YOU A NAKED CHRISTMAS!"

"Fine," muttered Remus through gritted teeth. He'd had about all he could take. "You can kiss me!"

"Goody!" shrieked Myrtle with uncharacteristic glee. "You're sooooooo handsome, Remus."

"Erm, yeah, let's just get on with shall we?" The prospect of kissing a ghost was less than pleasant. "And did it count as cheating?" he wondered. He squeezed his eyes shut and, before he knew it, Myrtle was upon him, all frozen lips and, alarmingly, icy tongue. This was nothing like kissing Sirius. Sirius was warm and loving, he kissed greedily and with passion. Kissing Myrtle was like making out with Antarctica. Before this moment, Remus had assumed that phrases like, "makes your blood run cold" and "chilled to the bone" were mere metaphor - but no longer. Remus was freezing.

Suddenly Remus' eyes flew opened and through the murky haze of Myrtle he could see the vague outline of Sirius Black. And he looked exceedingly displeased.

"Remus, what in bloody hell are you doing? I leave you alone for less than an hour and you're half-naked and making out with a ghost!" he cried in disgust.

Myrtle pulled back, "I was only trying to help him," she moaned, "and I'm not the one who stole his clothes in the first place..." She gave the pair a baleful glance before floating away.

"Stole your clothes? What in the name of Circle's ovaries is going on?" Sirius looked positively furious.

And so the whole sordid story came pouring forth: the underwater wanking, the clothing theft, the precarious, towel-clad run through the hallway, the giggling Ravenclaws (Sirius was especially amused at that), the faux-witty mistletoe and, finally, the frozen, ghost-kiss with the undead queen of plumbing. All the while, Remus shivered and shook.

"Oh, bugger Peter… here!" Sirius said, thrusting a brown, guano-covered package at his boyfriend.

Remus eyed it dubiously. "Dear Merlin, what is it?" he asked with trepidation.

"It's Peter's Christmas present, open it," urged Sirius.

Remus ripped the paper opened to reveal a quilted, rose-patterned, dressing gown.

"What the hell? They sent the floral? I specifically ordered the plaid!" Sirius wailed.

"What is it?" repeated Remus.

"It's a self-warming dressing gown, guaranteed to keep even Peter's fat arse warm all the time. But it's so… girly! Hell, it's worse than that complete works of Jane Austen I once gave you!" Sirius pouted, giving the robe a disdainful poke with his wand and watching with renewed horror as rows of lace sprouted from the collar and cuffs.

But Remus could not be arsed to care. He was freezing, for Merlin's sake! He'd wear that damned girly robe if it meant that he could feel his nose again. Hell, anything was better than that bloody towel! Tugging the robe over his shoulders he began to feel heat for the first time since leaving the bathroom. Bugger the flowers, he was warm! "There! How do I look?" he asked his boyfriend.

Sirius stared in dismay. "Like bloody girl."

"Bollocks," laughed Remus.

"Fine," Sirius conceded, pulling Remus close for kiss, "you look like a bloke in drag."

But, for the second time in less than three minutes, Remus couldn't be arsed to care, for Sirius' lips were soft and warm and finally, finally, he could feel his toes.

** *** ** *** ** *** **

Upstairs in the Common Room, Lily waited impatiently. On her lap lay a crumpled pile of Hogwarts robes and she was grinning madly in anticipation. James should be returning any minute now and soon in would be her turn to gloat.

But when the Portrait Hole opened, James emerged fully dressed and covered with owl droppings.

"You're… you're wearing clothes!" she stammered.

James leered. "That can be rectified!" he said, reaching for the clasp on his robes.

"But…" Lily paled. She clutched at the bundle of robes, wincing as her hand passed over the familiar metal of a Prefect's Badge. "Bloody hell," she murmured.

But before she could utter another word, the Portrait Hole flew open again and there stood Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, Remus clad in nothing but a very odd, very frilly, quilted dressing gown.

"Remus!" squeaked Lily, fighting back mortified tears. Remus was the sole Marauder who never worked her nerves. He was always kind and reasonable - and how has she paid him back? By making him run through the halls of Hogwarts looking like a tacky hausfrau drag queen.

"Oh my gods, I'm so sorry." She paused, looking stricken, "I thought you were James and…" Red faced, she shoved the wand and wrinkled bundle into his hands then turned and fled up the steps to the Girls Dormitory.

James burst out laughing. "That's brilliant!" he squealed beneath fits of near-hysteria.

Remus just shook his head. He wasn't angry; not even at Lily. As a Marauder, this sort of thing was to be expected, after all. For what do we live, but to make fools of our schoolmates and laugh at them in our turn?

"I'm going to be bed," he muttered, "It's been a long, hard night."

Sirius laughed wickedly, grabbing him by his waist. "And the night's not the only thing."

Hours later, and once again clad in nothing but a small scrap of fabric (decidedly untowel-like briefs), Remus Lupin lay curled up, warm and safe, against his boyfriend. His wand was on his nightstand, his robes in the laundry bin, and across his feet, keeping them nice and toasty, lay the world's girliest dressing gown. Bugger it all, Peter would need a new present.

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

leafyaki.livejournal.com

*splutters and chokes* Oh god!! That was exceedingly hilarious! :D HAHAHA poor Remus! And Lily! How mortified she must be! And James, happily reaching for the clasp on his robes X)

Ahhhhh you put a great smile on me on this rainy, dreary day :D I love it!

From:

stocking stuffers, more like....

Fic: The Unintended - for Shadowclub

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