Maybe This Time It's Different

[lotrwariorgodss.livejournal.com]

Title: "Maybe this time it's different..."
To: glass_icarus
From: lotrwariorgodss
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3010 (yes, I'm thoroughly ashamed I couldn't cut it down to 3000)
Prompt/Summary: Song lyrics to The First Day of My Life (also at end of fic) - Sirius wants Remus, Remus is dragging his feet. Will they begin a life together or stop it before it starts?
Author's Notes: I had plans for excellent banter, it didn't quite turn out that way. Hope you still like it, and Happy Holidays! The art reference in the middle links to a piece by glockgal since I realized I can't write body positions for crap (just switch out Harry & Draco for Sirius & Remus). And a big thanks to my betas, cursedinsanity, and iheartbowie.




The acrid, familiar smell of cigarette smoke - Sirius - welcomed Remus into wakefulness. In the haze of that smoke and a vanished dream, he pawed at his oversensitive nose and squinted against the harsh sunlight pouring in his bedroom windows. He never considered it odd that he could smell Sirius - cigarettes, liquorice, sweat, boy - before he saw him, but he did consider it odd that he was smelling him during the summer. Or at least, he did consider it odd until he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and saw a teenage-boy shaped lump sitting underneath his window, a lump that should not have been there.

"Sirius?"

"Morning, Moony."

Remus blinked, trying to make sure he wasn't still dreaming. "What are you doing here?"

Sirius shrugged and took another drag from his cigarette. "Your mum let me in," he said, as if that explained why he was sitting on Remus's bedroom floor in menacing black leather boots and skin-tight jeans at way-too-early o'clock in the morning when he would normally be sleeping off his sins from the night before.

"How long have you been sitting there?"

"Few hours maybe."

"What have you been doing?"

"Thinking. Watching you."

"Watching me?"

"Mm. That alright?"

"Sirius, get up here." Remus scooted back against his pillows and sat cross-legged as he gestured to the foot of his bed.

Sirius pushed himself off the floor and opened the window, tossed his cigarette out, toed his boots off, and climbed up on Remus's bed.

"How did you get here? You haven't taken your Apparition test yet."

"Took the bike. Haven't had a chance to ride much, and it was a nice night out."

"Wait, aren't you supposed to be at the Potter's?"

"I was."

Remus blinked at him in shock. "You drove here all the way from James's house? Sirius, what the hell is going on? You aren't in trouble, are you? Did you put itching powder in James's sheets again?"

Sirius laughed. "No, but that was a good one – I really shouldn't forget all these wonderful ideas I've had."

Remus smiled, but it was through a concerned look. "Yes, it was brilliant; now tell me what's going on."

Sirius's hands dug in his pockets and pulled out something small and shiny. He stared down at his lap as he passed it back and forth between his hands, over his fingers, rubbing the surface. He was fidgeting – bad sign.

"I was lying in bed last night, right? And well, I couldn't fall asleep. Usually I just get up and wander the house, but I didn't think Mrs. Potter would appreciate that, so I just laid there and stared out the window. I started thinking about James and what an utter prat he'd been all day, and how we weren't going to see Pete until the end of summer, and then I thought about how I hadn't seen you in a week, and I missed you." He paused, looking up furtively to gauge Remus's reaction. Sleep-weary eyes gazed back at him, so he put his head back down and continued. "I mean, I really missed you, Moony. I started wondering what you'd been doing all day and if you were asleep or maybe you couldn't sleep, like me, and if you had enough money for chocolate ice cream on your way home from work and how you'd be miserable if you didn't have ice cream and maybe I should come and make sure you were okay. On ice-cream money, I mean." And finally, Remus could see what Sirius had been turning over and over in his hands all through his increasingly odd monologue. He tossed the silver coin to Remus and folded his hands in his lap. Remus stared at the face of a vexed-looking goblin etched in the surface of the sickle and realized he didn't know what to say.

"You drove for four hours in the middle of the night to bring me a sickle for ice cream."

"Yeah."

"Sirius, come here."

He stared at Remus blankly until Remus stretched his legs out, bent at the knee and reached for Sirius's feet. There was no struggle when Remus pulled his legs out, and pulled Sirius closer to his own body, and Remus didn't pull away when Sirius slid his feet underneath Remus's knees and around his hips. They had done this too many times in the past to be uncomfortable with being so close – it was their after-moon position. But this time Sirius needed the embrace and the consolation of another body – one that gave a damn about you – being close to yours, entwined with yours.

"What's wrong, Sirius?

The dark-haired boy looked away, but Remus took his chin in hand and brought his face back around. "Sirius, if there's something bothering you, I want you to tell me. Don't tell me nothing's up either; you haven't been like this for a long time."

But Sirius was still uncharacteristically silent. Remus sighed. "Is it your mum?" He shook his head. "James?" Another shake. "Your brother?" Another shake. He almost asked 'Some bird?' but no girl would upset him this badly. "Sirius, I can't guess...are you shivering?"

"'M cold."

"It's June."

Sirius shrugged, but he was definitely shivering. Remus didn't hesitate – he wrapped his arms around Sirius's back and pulled him close, skin tingling as Sirius hands ran up his arms, over his shoulders, and crossed on his back.
"I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me, Remus. Everything feels so...odd, like it's all backwards or maybe just turned right-side up for the first time. Do you ever get that feeling when you're halfway between being awake and dreaming and you think everything's perfect, you're just walking down some far off street, and then suddenly you trip and your muscles jerk and you wake up, heart racing, and you realize you were only dreaming, and even though you may want to go back to sleep, you realize that being awake makes you feel so alive and brilliant that dreaming seems overrated after all..."

Remus said nothing. Yes, he knew, of course he did. But Sirius…Sirius wasn't like him. Remus had only had that feeling a few times in his life – the first when he realized what his friends had done for him by becoming Animagi, and the second when he had been yanked into an empty classroom by an older Ravenclaw and been snogged against the wall, and realized that even though (or more likely because) the boy didn't have breasts or rounded hips or smooth hands, he had liked it very much. But then, Remus was used to transformations – Sirius wasn't. Sirius didn't change. The other boy had his moods, but he wasn't prone to life-altering events, especially not ones that turned out for the better, as he was making it sound. And since when did being so close to Sirius make him want to be closer and closer... He was ripped from his thoughts when a forehead pressed against his own, and he was staring cross-eyed into Sirius's face.

He didn't want to speak, but he was sure Sirius could hear the beating of his confused heart pounding in his chest, so he managed a whisper to cover it up. "Sirius, what made you feel that way?"

"You."

Before Remus's eyes had a chance to widen with the shock of that statement, Sirius's lips were against his, and they were chapped and tasted like smoke, but they were closing around his bottom lip and it was so calm, so simple that he had no choice but to kiss back. He didn't - he shouldn't feel this way about kissing his best mate, but Sirius's tongue on his lips was soothing, and the way it felt when it nudged its way past those lips was so uncomplicated and real that he whimpered and met that tongue with his own. But no – it was complicated because it felt uncomplicated, and it shouldn't have been, and it was too sudden, too much, too wonderf – no.

Remus turned his head to the side and broke the kiss, mind screaming for fulfillment and answers at the same time. "Why?" he whispered, and it was clear just how breathless he felt.

"Because I want you, Remus." Equally breathless.

"But...but it's not supposed to happen this way."

"What isn't?"

Love. "I...I don't know."

"But why?"

"It's not supposed to be so..." easy, perfect, natural.

Sirius smiled briefly and leaned back in, but Remus turned his head to the side and released his grip on Sirius's back. He didn't dare look at Sirius's face as the other boy sighed, shifted off the bed and sat down in his previous spot by the window. Only when he was sure Sirius's gaze wasn't on him did he look up to see that Sirius's eyes were fixed on the door and had dulled since he first saw him that morning.

"Look, you should go back to James's before they worry about you."

"Moony –"

"Go back. I'll think about it, Sirius; don't make that face, I promise I will."

"That's fair, I suppose. For how long?"

"I don't know, just...I don't know."

Sirius nodded and finished tugging on his boots before he stood and made his way to Remus's door. His hand on the doorknob, he turned and gave Remus a weak smile. "I'll wait, Remus, but every day I have to go without another kiss like that is a day I'd rather be asleep again. I don't want to go back to sleep, Remus; please don't wait too long." And then he was gone, and Remus didn't have to hold back the single tear from falling down his cheek. He had kissed his best mate, and loved it, and had seemingly broken his heart with his rejection. Remus tried to shove it all to the back of his mind, but when he curled back under his sheets, he laid still, staring at the wall until the shadows cast on it signaled the afternoon.

*************************

The summer passed and nothing changed. The Marauders were The Marauders, Sirius was alone, Remus was alone, and both pretended nothing had happened that morning. And if Sirius spent more time out riding and came home with swollen eyes, nobody noticed. And if Remus stopped every day after work to get a chocolate ice cream even though he should have been saving his money to get his own place, nobody noticed that either. Full moon nights were spent in their trio, and they usually found reasons to see each other twice a week at least. When Peter came back, they threw a party, which ended up being the four of them passed out on Sirius's couch and floor, only to be woken up by Lily the next morning, shouting at James for being late to the florist. And when Remus woke to find he was the only one covered with a blanket even though he'd been far too drunk the night before to think of one, he noticed, and he remembered. Once he really began to think, and once he noticed that Sirius didn't talk about any of the girls he'd shagged lately, that Sirius seemed to think of this – of him - as something serious and lasting, he pulled their kiss from the back of his mind and fulfilled his promise to think.

Halloween, for once, was not a full moon, so naturally there were party plans to make. This would not be just a Marauders-getting-drunk-and-being-generally-ridiculous party either; no, it was to be a full-blown celebration of the morbidly delicious holiday, including all their mates from Hogwarts and whoever else happened to show up, provided their left forearms were unblemished. On that most wicked and mischievous of nights, Remus walked slowly down the long stretch of lane leading to the Potter's summer house. The large Victorian was decorated exquisitely to look exactly like the kind of house anyone but a ten-year-old on a double dare would avoid at all costs. The large bay windows in the front framed the dark sketches of the gloomy parlour inside – no lights, no shadows, no life. Having made the charms for these windows, however, all Remus had to do was flick his wand and the glamour vanished, making the windows glow with the flickering lights of the party. He looked through the left window and the first thing he saw was Sirius throwing his head back in laughter, an utterly carefree vision of the most gorgeous person he'd ever known, and the staggering ache in his chest told him he'd waited too long. Remus may have been woefully indecisive all summer, but he had in been in agony for weeks now trying to decide what it really was that he wanted. That morning, when he woke up and thought of stormy eyes, black hair, and chapped lips straightaway, he realized his decision was a simple one and had cursed himself for putting it off these long months. Tonight he knew what he wanted, and he was going to get it. Right now. He approached the door and knocked with determination. I want him. I want him. I want him. He wants me. I want him.

The door opened a crack, then split wide open as he was recognized by his fellow Marauder.
"Hey, Moony!" Peter ushered him inside and showed him where everyone was leaving their coats, the odd side rooms for various illegal activities, and finally the main room, where most everyone was mingling or dancing to the eerie music James had conjured. He caught himself looking for Sirius by the bay window, and when he found him, the dark-haired boy smiled and waved at him, beckoning them over.
"Sirius didn't even bring a girl tonight – can you believe that? Wonder if maybe he's caught a cold...Remus?"

"Sorry, Pete, I'm a little out of it tonight."

Peter smiled and shoved him in Sirius's direction. "Go on then, drink what Sirius's got – it'll fix everything."

Yes – he would take what Sirius offered, and it would fix more than everything. He didn't waste time; he'd already done that enough, so as soon as he'd come within hearing range of Sirius, he spoke.
"Hey, can I talk to you?"

"Sure, Moony. What is it, then?"

Remus grabbed his arm at the elbow and slid his hand down until his fingers loosely encircled Sirius's wrist. "Not here."

A raised eyebrow and a few quick strides later, Remus was being dragged into a side-room, engulfed in a cloud of smoky, dizzying air. Sirius shut the door behind them, the deafening crack of wood on wood the only noise resounding in the sluggish, stifling room.
Their hands had shifted. Their fingers laced together like the world-weathered strings that held Sirius's boots shut. Sirius smiled. Remus lowered his head and his lashes, shaggy brown hair falling forward, masking the jagged scars on his forehead and jaw. Sirius's fingertips brushed his cheek to push back that fringe, but Remus turned his head up and smiled.

"I want this."

And they both knew the talking was over. Sirius's hand kept moving until his fingers brushed past Remus's ear and tangled themselves in his hair. When they came together for their second kiss, it was with the ease and familiarity of old lovers rather than new. And if their hands squeezed tighter together when their lips met, nobody else was there to notice, and that was fine by both of them.

*************************

A little while later, but not so much later that people had started questioning their disappearance, they emerged from the room hand in hand. Remus thought Sirius would force them to part in other company, but now they were half-way to the kitchen and his hand was still firmly clasped. They passed most of the night at the party, as they had agreed (they had worked so hard on it, after all), but they never left each other's sides. Finally, as the number of guests was dwindling, Sirius told James he wanted to head home early. James nearly protested, but he glanced down at his friends' clasped hands and grinned instead, giving them leave to go with a drunken nod.

They both grabbed their coats for the brief walk past the wards, but as Sirius shut the door behind them, Remus stopped and turned to face him. There in the doorway he'd let Sirius know how far he wanted to go, how much he wanted – no, needed – him.

"Can I come home with you?"

"Finally sick of your parents?"

"No." And the unspoken seemed to matter more than anything they'd said that night.

"Alright, Moony. You sure?"

"I am."

"I thought you said this wasn't how things are supposed to go. Sure you want to settle for me?"

"It's not settling if it's you, Sirius. I just needed some time to sort through everything. I still don't know where I want to go with this, where I'm going to be in a week, a month, next summer – but wherever it is, I'd like you to be there with me."

"I'd like that too, Remus."

"And I'm sorry. For making you wait. But I do want this...want you."

Sirius pulled him close, his warmth stopping a brief autumn breeze from sending a shiver down Remus's back. "You've got me, Moony." He nuzzled the side of Remus's neck. "'M glad you didn't let me go back to sleep – I'm tired of dreaming of you."

And Remus was tired of dreaming too, so he kissed Sirius briefly and wrapped his arms tight around him. When he opened his eyes, he was in Sirius's new flat and Sirius was pressing hot kisses on his neck, and he was so, so glad to be awake, knowing that Sirius wouldn't let him dream again, knowing that those arms around him would always be there to protect him from sleep, knowing that being awake with Sirius was better than any dream he'd ever had, and that he'd never have to go back again.




This is the first day of my life
Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain
Suddenly everything changed
They're spreadin' blankets on the beach
Yours is the first face that I saw
Think I was blind before I met you
And I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go
And so I thought I'd let you know
These things take forever, I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you and I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange
You said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said this is the first day of my life
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy
So if you wanna be with me
With these things there's no tellin'
We just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be workin' for a paycheck than waitin' to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time it's different, I mean, I really think you like me

Comments

[kittehkat.livejournal.com]

Awww, snuggleh bunnies puppies! Remus is really daft sometimes, isn't he? How long can someone really resist Sirius throwing himself at you? It's commendable, really. Good job, Megs! :D

[lotrwariorgodss.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Lol, I know I couldn't resist more than about a nanosecond...and actually, I think I'd throw myself at him first. I think this is like the first thing of mine you've read in months! *isproud*

Hearts! (Je te miss aussi)

[kittehkat.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well... I've normally got streaming commentary, sooo... ;D

[lotrwariorgodss.livejournal.com]

True, lol. Oh come on, you know you miss me going "hey...hey, kat...remus just did this, now what should he do?". Even though now I just do it over AIM. =)

Sometimes, when I'm sitting in my cold, dark, cave-like dormroom with no dinner and no money, I wonder why I don't just live at home. And then I spend less than a week there. And I remember. *sigh* I miss the cave.

[aura218.livejournal.com]

Lovely, v realistic. I could see them so distinctly in my mind as I read. (Which means oyu captured "maleness" v well).

[lotrwariorgodss.livejournal.com]

Oh, excellent. I'm always afraid when I write slash that it's too girly. Glad you liked it!

[minnow-53.livejournal.com]

That was very sweet! You used the mood of the lyrics -- and the song altogether -- really well, I thought.

On a side note, virtually all the fics in this I've read, including my own, have Remus and/or Sirius smoking. Some subliminal message here?

3010 (yes, I'm thoroughly ashamed I couldn't cut it down to 3000)

Lol! When in doubt, blame the header...

[lotrwariorgodss.livejournal.com]

Thank you! When I took this prompt I had only just heard the song for the first time, and thought it was amazing.

Man, you're so right about the smoking thing! It was just so much more prevalent back then, and with all the crap they had to go through? I'd smoke too, lol.

[novalinedy.livejournal.com]

aww, this was just perfect! so sweet and cute, really warmed me up when i'm nearly freezing to death from the cold outside!

[lotrwariorgodss.livejournal.com]

Oh good! It's still about 70 where I am, so I can't write snow well, lol - warm is good!

[such_heights]

Aww, lovely! =D Sirius visiting Remus was about the sweetest thing, really.

[lotrwariorgodss.livejournal.com]

Thanks! The second I heard the song, I thought it was a pretty sweet idea.

[magnetic-pole.livejournal.com]

Enjoyed! Maggie

[lotrwariorgodss.livejournal.com]

Thanks! And thanks for putting this fest together too - it's been great!

[magnetic-pole.livejournal.com]

It's been such a treat to read new stories every day! Thanks! Maggie

[busaikko]

* grabs canon and flings it out the window, and makes you pinkie-swear that it never happened and is never going to happen *

I loved Sirius bringing Remus the sickle - so sweet and lonely, and then the waiting - *sighs happily*

[lotrwariorgodss.livejournal.com]

Lol, yep, screw canon, man!

Thanks! And thanks for putting together this fest; the holidays would have been quite sad without any R/S!

[busaikko]

Let me just say, Maggie and I were stunned - and thrilled - by the fantastic respose we got! Our original plan was about 14 stories (including our own), enough to post for a week. The community spirit and love that we've found is tremendous. It really knocks me off my feet! * serves you slice of apple cake, fresh out of the oven! *

[kittehkat.livejournal.com]

*steals my roommate's piece of cake and runs like hell* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

You'll never catch me, Megs!

*click* Come on, elevator. *click* Come on! *click*...*clickclickclick*

Oh, bugger...


/silliness ;D

[lotrwariorgodss.livejournal.com]

*sigh* How many times do I have to tell you that the elevator doesn't come faster the more you click the button? At least every time we wait for an elevator.

*steals my cake back* Bitch, this is mine! =)

[kittehkat.livejournal.com]

Omg, first the top and now the cake! Just give it to me! D: BETCH.

[carmine-ink.livejournal.com]

"You drove for four hours in the middle of the night to bring me a sickle for ice cream."

"Yeah."

Aww! :D

This fic is just too adorable, really. ;) It's like a mug of hot cocoa on a cold winter's night... Thanks for the great read.

[lotrwariorgodss.livejournal.com]

Aww, thanks! And yes, I thought Sirius would be the type to mask his real intentions with something equally ridiculous. Glad you liked it!

[liseuse.livejournal.com]

Oh! boys! They're so sweet, and I do love resisting!Remus. He's so self-sacrificing and noble and a giant bloody idiot. This is adorable and sweet, and awwww-worthy.

[lotrwariorgodss.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! I love him too, perhaps especially when he's being such a bloody idiot. Glad you liked it!