[identity profile] kyasuriin.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] small_gifts
Title: Gravity
Author: [livejournal.com profile] kyasuriin | [livejournal.com profile] katfix
Written for:[livejournal.com profile] glass_icarus
Rating: PG
Prompts: 1) don't know the right words to say
2) it goes like this
3) laws of gravity

Summary: It goes like this: half a dozen or so moments in Remus' life when everything changed (most of which involve Sirius)
Any other notes, warnings, etc.: Many thanks to [livejournal.com profile] ekaterin24 for the beta! :)



It goes like this: A brush of a hand, a friendly push, a bright smile and suddenly his stomach has decided to turn into a butterfly emporium. It's stupid. He knows it's stupid, but he thinks that maybe, just maybe, there might be something there. Didn't Sirius hold his gaze a bit long just now? Didn't Sirius hang back to walk with him to Hogsmeade last weekend instead of James? Okay, he's grasping at straws. He knows this, but sometimes he feels like those straws are all he has to hold onto.

It goes like this: A wrong turn and he suddenly finds himself faced with two boys. Two boys snogging. One of those boys is Sirius. This is all he has time to take in before he abruptly turns and goes back the way he came. Hot tears are stinging his eyes and he blinks furiously. He refuses to cry over something he knew wasn't his to begin with; would never be his. After a moment he lets out a snort of mirthless laughter. He wanted to know if Sirius was gay, well, there he had it. He's not sure which is worse – Sirius being with someone else or Sirius being with someone else who is a bloke. It brings home the point that Sirius doesn't want him, not because he's male but because he's, well, him. He crouches down in the corridor and waits until the silent, choking sobs subside and he has composed himself enough to go back to Gryffindor Tower. When Sirius comes in later, he's able to smile at him as if nothing is wrong, as if he hasn't dropped all his straws.

It goes like this: Just two words and everything changes. It's fairly simple as far as confessions go: "I'm gay."

The four of them are gathered in their dormitory room, all doing homework when those words are spoken into the silence, not by Remus but Sirius.

"Have been for a while."

Silence rules again, but only for a short while because before Remus can think, he says, "me too." Just two words and everything changes. Sirius stares at him, mouth slightly open in shock.

"Christ, is it catching?" James says, trying to make light of the situation.

"Nope, still straight," Peter replies quickly and it occurs to Remus that they're not as shocked by all this as they should be. He glances back over at Sirius who has barely managed to compose himself and watches as Sirius exchanges an unreadable glance with James.

"You knew." The words come out of Remus' mouth flatly and sound like betrayal even as he tries to be neutral.

"Only about Sirius," James says quickly.

"And only for a few weeks," Peter adds, as if that is helpful.

"Right," Remus says slowly and nods. He shouldn’t be hurt, he tells himself, that Sirius came out to them before him, but he is. "Right," he says again before grabbing his books hurriedly. "I'm just going to –" he motions towards the door and without another word, he leaves. He nearly trips over his own feet going down the stairs, so dazed he is. He ignores all those in the common room, his eyes on the portrait hole. He doesn't slow until he is in the corridor, alone with his thoughts.

So. Everyone knew now. He feels strangely similar to when they told him they knew he was a werewolf, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. They must be okay with it, he reasons, if Sirius came out and I didn't notice any change between them. He doesn't feel good for long though, as the moment the one weight was lifted, another settles in his stomach. Sirius knows he's gay. It would only be a matter of time before he put the pieces together and realized that Remus was crushing on him.

Remus sighs and turns down the corridor leading to the library.

"Remus!"

He stills at the sound of his name and turns to see Sirius running after him, something in his hand.

"You forgot a quill," Sirius says between breaths. He hands Remus the quill and for a moment they just look at each other.

"I'm glad, you know," Sirius says finally. Remus just stares at him. "That I'm not in this alone. That you're… you know."

Remus nods. Perfect. Now Sirius will see him as his only gay friend and want to tell him all about his conquests. Fan-fucking-tastic.

"I should get going." He motions to the library with Sirius' quill.

Sirius looks a bit crestfallen but nods. "I'll see you, then."

"Yeah, and – " Remus takes a quick breath. "If you need to talk or whatever, you know where I am."

Sirius smiles. "Great. Yeah, thanks."

Remus forces a smile before turning and making his way to the library.

It goes like this: Sirius starts talking to him, confiding even. Not about his conquests, no, Sirius Black is surprisingly gentlemanly when it comes to that, but about when he realized he wasn't as into girls as James and what his parents would do if they ever found out. He tells Remus about the gay bars he's heard of in London and how they should go and pick up muggles. Remus, for the most part, listens. Most of his side of the conversation consists of things he isn't ready to tell Sirius quite yet. Things like, 'I knew I was gay because of you and your eyes and your arms and back and stupid, stupid hair.' Things like, 'I think only of you when I wank, not the men in those magazines you showed me'. Things like, 'No, I don't want to go to bars with you in London and watch you pick up because it would kill me'.

And if Sirius smiles at him or touches his arm when he is talking, Remus ignores it the best he can. The time for grasping at straws and imagining Sirius Black might want him is over. Now when straws are tossed his way, he lets them fall.

It goes like this: One night near the end of term it's just the two of them sitting on the roof. Sirius is smoking and Remus is not, though he wonders what it's like before brushing the thought away like the hair that's blowing into his face.

They're talking about what to do next year after they graduate. Sirius has his inheritance and Remus has, well, Remus has his parents' house, he supposes.

"I wish I was going to America like Peter," Remus muses. Even if just for a few months, it would be nice to get away.

"It's not that great," Sirius says with a shrug and Remus gets the impression that Sirius is lying for his benefit.

"Even James and Lily are going on vacation," Remus says, a bit morosely.

Sirius laughs. "If Evans puts up with him for that long!"

Remus chuckles as well. "Yes, fair point, though they have been getting along well lately."

"Only because they're shagging like rabbits!"

"Yes, yes, alright," Remus concedes with a smile. There's a moment of silence in which Sirius exhales a large cloud of smoke.

"You're not going anywhere?" he asks Sirius.

Sirius shakes his head. "Naw. Someone has to stick around and make sure you don't get into too much trouble."

"Har, har," Remus drawls. "You're not really staying because of me, are you?" He asks, alarmed. Even before Sirius answers he feels a huge sense of guilt.

Sirius shrugs and takes another drag of his cigarette. "I just don't feel like travelling at the moment."

Remus is ready to leave it at that but Sirius goes on. "It's like… Everyone is going out into the atmosphere and you're – you're like my gravity, you know?" He glances at Remus and Remus is left speechless both by his words and the blush on his cheeks. He has never known Sirius to blush. They break eye contact while Remus is struggling with words to say that he knows, that he feels the exact way.

"I know," he says quietly and stares off at the stars. He almost turns when he feels Sirius' hand on top of his own, but something tells him that the right thing to do is not quite acknowledge whatever it is that Sirius is trying to tell him. A part of him is desperately ready to take the gesture romantically but his more logical part tells him it's a gesture of camaraderie. It's merely Sirius expressing his gratitude that Remus is here with him so he isn't alone.

He sees Sirius flick away his cigarette out of the corner of his eye and turns finally. Sirius is looking back at him, his resolute stare unnerving. He licks his lips.

"I want you to move in with me next year."

Remus can feel his eyes widen. "What?"

"I want you to stay with me next year."

Remus is painfully aware of Sirius' friendly hand resting on his own, and though it kills him a little, he knows he's doing the right thing when he says, "No, I shouldn't. I'd just get in your way."

"What do you mean?" Sirius asks immediately.

"I mean, you have all these plans to go to the bars and I'd just get in your way, you know?"

"No, you'd come with me," Sirius insists, squeezing Remus' hand.

"But it might get awkward with bringing blokes home," Remus argues, trying hard to remember why he shouldn't move in with Sirius, which is hard when Sirius' hand is so warm and comforting against his own.

"I don't –" Sirius starts and then stops. He crosses his arms, removing his hand from Remus' in the process.

"Sirius," Remus says gently, "I want to still hang out with you next year, I do, but I don't think living together is a good idea."

"I don't know the right words to say…," Sirius mutters softly, without looking at Remus.

"Sorry?"

Sirius takes a breath before saying, still staring straight ahead, "I don't just want you to live with me, I want you to stay with me, be with me, Remus. And I thought you might have wanted that too…" He swears softly. Remus stares at him, aghast that he gave Sirius the impression that he didn't want him.

"You – you – " he stammers. "But I – I do!"

Sirius turns quickly. "You do?"

Remus nods fervently. "You have no idea." He wishes he had been still grasping at his straws so that this didn't come as such as surprise to him, that Sirius – Sirius wanted to be with him.

Sirius stares at him, open-mouthed. "But you didn't say anything! Nothing!"

"I didn't think you'd ever... This isn't just convenience, is it?" Remus asks, suspicious in spite of himself.

"No!" Sirius exclaims. "No, no, I tried other blokes, just to see, but it's you… it's always been you."

There is a moment in which they just stare at each other, as if trying to come to terms with having what they have desired for so long. Remus feels embarrassingly close to tears.

"Can I – " Sirius licks his lips. "Can I kiss you?"

Remus can't help the grin that comes to his face any more than he can help the butterflies that have exploded in his stomach. He nods.

Sirius' lips are wet and warm against his own when he kisses Remus slowly, deliberately. Remus responds earnestly and soon the precision is lost, replaced by messy, heated kisses – the best kind, Remus thinks, as Sirius wraps his arms around him. It all feels like a delicious dream, the kind that make him wake up hard, but he knows it's not. He's still hard but it's the real Sirius pressed against him, holding him, kissing him in the crook of his neck. He sighs happily and Sirius stops kissing him for a moment. Their eyes meet and they smile and Remus feels that Christmas has come early.

It goes like this: A red-bricked flat with high ceilings and hardwood floors. One bedroom big enough for two and a living room with a couch long and wide enough for both of them to lie down on. Breakfasts in bed and mild rows over what to have for dinner. Two boys who have become comfortable and even a bit predictable in their own flat but who don't mind – the world outside is unpredictable enough. Two boys who always kiss good morning and good night. Two boys in love.

It goes like this: He comes to waking slowly, cocooned in the warmth of the bedcovers. Sunlight comes in through the open window, casting their rays on the bare shoulder of the boy next to him. He shifts in bed and Sirius mutters and opens up one bleary eye.

"Go back to sleep," Remus murmurs before pressing a kiss against Sirius' now-smiling lips. This morning there's time enough for dreaming.


Date: 2007-12-12 01:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] frailtyoffaith.livejournal.com
My dear... positively gorgeous. I can't tell you how wonderful this was. My God-- the dialogue was priceless! I loved the way you built up the tension, the love, and the "It goes like this:" was such a charming touch, I'm left absolutely floating.

Sirius was brilliant. Exactly how I imagined he'd be, trying different blokes a couple times, "just to see." And Remus... aw, Remus. You made him so incredibly affable. You really extracted his emotion, so fantastically, I felt it myself. Too lovely for words, honestly. I really, really hope to see more of you soon. This was such a much-needed pick-me-up in my day. Thank you.

Oh, but I must briefly note possibly the best part of the whole thing: "Christ, is it catching?"

LMAO. So very James.

<3

Date: 2007-12-12 02:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] colourlesshade.livejournal.com
I second the love of James and his brilliant in-characterness. <3

Date: 2007-12-12 02:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] leafyaki.livejournal.com
Aww! Sirius and Remus all hesitant and unsure never fails to melt my heart. And James and Peter! Being supportive and able to joke about this is a simply wonderful touch :D The whole "It goes like this" is awesome ((:

Date: 2007-12-12 02:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretsolitaire.livejournal.com
Oh, this was swooningly romantic (but without being OOC or cloying). Such beautiful writing. (And I too giggled at "Christ, is it catching?")

Date: 2007-12-12 05:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ruffians.livejournal.com
I don't know why, but I seem to be on a "dealing with homosexuality" fic kick. This was wonderful!

Date: 2007-12-12 05:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lotrwariorgodss.livejournal.com
I absolutely agree with [livejournal.com profile] secretsolitaire - incredibly romantic, but they still stayed boyish and young and didn't turn into sappy girls, lol. Loved it!
Edited Date: 2007-12-12 05:56 pm (UTC)

Date: 2007-12-12 06:21 pm (UTC)
ext_97246: (woof)
From: [identity profile] vera-dicere.livejournal.com
you are honestly one of my favorite r/s writers. your characterisation of the boys [all of them, not just remus and sirius] is always just how i picture them. i love that pads and moony are both still such boys when you write them, even when they're together. don't get me wrong, i don't mind some fics with girly!remus or girly!sirius, but i like them best when they don't have to fit into a masculine/feminine pairing.

so, yes. absolutely lovely. i also must commend you on not making the whole 'he couldn't possibly like me' scenario too overly dramatic. you set it up so that it's completely logical for remus to doubt that sirius could see him as more than a friend without seeming like he has the lowest self-esteem ever. which is not always something done well. cookies for you! :)
(deleted comment)

Date: 2007-12-12 08:08 pm (UTC)
such_heights: amy and rory looking at a pile of post (other: sand heart)
From: [personal profile] such_heights
*beams contentedly*

Entirely, entirely gorgeous.

Date: 2007-12-12 10:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ashley-regret.livejournal.com
omg..you so killed me with this. it was so sweet and cute and perfect *cries*
i totally loved this!! specially the last lines...made me all warm and fuzzy inside :D thanx for writing this, it so made my day!!! *gives candy cans*

Date: 2007-12-13 12:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] westwardlee.livejournal.com
This was lovely. Poor Remus, blurting himslf out of the closet! But it worked, in the long run.

Date: 2007-12-13 02:10 am (UTC)
slightlytookish: John and Gale looking at each other against a blue background (Default)
From: [personal profile] slightlytookish
Ooh, this is beyond lovely! So sweet and romantic. And I just loved James' "Christ, is it catching?" :D

Date: 2007-12-13 02:26 am (UTC)
ext_17713: sun and clouds and the illusion of wings. (Default)
From: [identity profile] elsane.livejournal.com
oh, yes, Remus' ever-so-logical self-doubt is so convincing here. I really liked your characterizations, and your dialogue.
(deleted comment)

Date: 2007-12-13 03:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quartetship.livejournal.com
Isn't it weird when you read something and it just makes you so happy? This was sweet and funny and full of tension and slight sadness and just everything good about Remus/Sirius! *dies* WONDERFUL :)

Date: 2007-12-13 05:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] learningtolove8.livejournal.com
Wow, this was amazing, I loved reading it. I could quote my favorite parts, but I would end up copying the whole thing in this comment.

I especially loved the repetition of "It goes like this..." and your characterizations of James and Peter. And Remus and Sirius were just so...wonderful. The whole thing was wonderful.

Date: 2007-12-13 06:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] celandineb.livejournal.com
Oh, I really enjoyed this! You have a nice touch with the fragments, fitting them together, and the "It goes like this:" repetition worked well. *happy sigh for the puppies*

Date: 2007-12-13 06:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mindabbles.livejournal.com
Lovely, just lovely. Remus' refusal to see what was in front of his face and Sirius pushing forward through his insecurity were perfect. swoony, romantic, wonderful.

Date: 2007-12-13 07:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elizassecret.livejournal.com
This is perfectly lovely! Great characterizations, great writing!

Date: 2007-12-13 07:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] glass-icarus.livejournal.com
.... eeeeeeee! *flails*

am quite incoherent due to finals and being sick, but OMG, this was perfect. &hearts &hearts i'll probably come back for some actual commentary when, you know, i regain some actual vocabulary. &hearts !

Date: 2007-12-13 04:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cindergal.livejournal.com
I love "getting together" fic, and this one is just gorgeous.

Date: 2007-12-13 10:46 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] starkdependant
Absolutely lovely.

Date: 2007-12-15 05:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kellygreen.livejournal.com
I hate you. I actually hate you.

Well, no. No actually, but it doesn't seem fair that you can pump out fic after gorgeous, stunningly beautiful fic. Share some of the talent around, you greedy bastard. :P

I miss you, by the way. *hug*

Date: 2007-12-15 03:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] liseuse.livejournal.com
This is so beautiful. You really caught the horror of being told about plans by the person you adore, and then the ending was just too sweet for words. Also, I want to live in that flat!

Date: 2007-12-16 05:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chiralove.livejournal.com
awww, fabulous! So brilliantly written, I just love the tone and the flow of it and ohhh, such a perfect ending!

Date: 2007-12-16 07:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] claret101.livejournal.com
Just echoing what everyone already said, this was just lovely! I can't take all the angst around Xmas! So many times a nice fluffy fic suddenly ends with Remus reaction to Sirius' death! Thanks for leaving them somewhere happy!

Date: 2007-12-18 08:13 pm (UTC)
ext_14568: Lisa just seems like a perfectly nice, educated, middle class woman...who writes homoerotic fanfiction about wizards (xmas-R/S tongue on pole)
From: [identity profile] midnitemaraud-r.livejournal.com
Oh yay! *big happy sigh* Really. I feel warm and happy and ridiculously content all over! Thank you! ♥

Date: 2008-01-06 05:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] marauder-s-mad.livejournal.com
Wow. So deep and moving ! It made me shiver...A beautiful story.

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