Fic: Ton Cœur de Pyrex for averita

[shessocold]

Title: Ton Cœur de Pyrex
Author/Artist: shessocold
Recipient: averita
Rating: PG 13
Contents or warnings (highlight to view): *None *
Word count: 1050
Summary: War changes everything.


Ton Cœur de Pyrex

Mon cœur de silex vite prend feu,
Ton cœur de pyrex résiste au feu


For Tonks, it's love at first sight. Well, love – infatuation, at the very least, if she wants to weigh her words carefully. Which she doesn't, really, not when it comes to Remus Lupin.

The night they meet, at the first proper meeting of the newly re-established Order of the Phoenix, she comes back to her flat feeling almost drunk on the very existence of the man who was sitting across the table from her. She likes everything about him — the liquid quality of his brown eyes, amber-like by candlelight, the shape of his nose, the way his infrequent smile seems to light up his whole face, the nervous grace of his long, lean body. Emboldened by the climate of comradeship fostered by their shared purpose, she resolves to seduce him as soon as is feasible.

The sex, once they finally get to it, is excellent. On their third consecutive evening together, her legs slightly trembling under the sheet, her heart full and warm, she sees no reason not to say what’s on her mind.

“You do?” asks Remus, clearly taken aback. Tonks’ grin fades slightly.

“Yeah,” she confirms, doing her best to keep her tone light. “And who wouldn’t, honestly, once they see what you can do with those fingers of yours — speaking of which, why don’t we...”

Remus sighs, which by any standard isn’t a particularly desirable reaction to a declaration of love.

“Dora,” he begins, with the air of someone who’s embarking on a long, unpleasant speech.

“You don’t have to say anything,” says Tonks, cutting him off. “Tell you what, forget I said anything at all.”

“It’s not that I don’t love you too,” insists Remus, cupping her flaming cheek with his cool hand. “I do, at least as much as it’s, well, realistic under our circumstances.”

Judging from Remus’ tone, he seems to consider this a rather generous concession. Tonks feels sick to her stomach.

“Our circumstances,” she repeats, her mouth dry. Realistically, she has to admit, she brought this whole thing on herself. The thought doesn’t make Remus’ rejection sting any less.

“You are so young, Dora,” says Remus, soothingly. “I don’t expect you to understand.”

Irritation is beginning to tinge Tonks’ feeling of humiliation.

“Try me,” she says. “I’m not that young, after all.”

Remus shakes his head slowly. He looks — infuriatingly — as if he sees the age gap between them as an unfortunate shortcoming of Tonks’, one that he’s too polite to openly blame her for. It might be the first time, Tonks realises, that she has seen him be anything but perfectly pleasant.

“Things were different during the war,” says Remus eventually. “In a way that is frankly very hard to explain to someone who wasn’t there. You couldn’t trust anyone… it did things to people’s minds, ruined friendships… ruined relationships, too. You can’t really recover from…”

“You can trust me,” blurts out Tonks, and she realises she’s missed the point even before she sees Remus’ vaguely condescending half-smile, and she hates herself for running her mouth without thinking.

“I know that,” says Remus, very gently. “And I appreciate it immensely. And I want you to trust me too, which is why I won’t tell you that I love you as much as you deserve to be loved, because that would be a lie.”

Tonks gives a stiff, silent nod.

“Don’t be upset, please,” says Remus, after a pause. “It wasn’t my intention to… look, you’re a brilliant person, and you’re incredibly attractive, and I’m honestly beyond lucky that you’d even give me the time of day, let alone actually come to bed with me.”

Tonks sniffs and stares straight ahead.

“I’m afraid I don’t really see your point, then,” she says in a flat voice that sounds nothing like her normal one. “If you really think I’m so brilliant, and you like sleeping with me and you know that you can trust me. We might have different definitions of what it means to love someone.”

Remus inhales sharply. Tonks sneaks a sideways glance at him — he looks angry, which lights a tiny spark of perverted joy in her. If they must, the alternative being Remus’ empty platitudes, she’d much rather they have a proper fight and break things off in a satisfying way.

All of a sudden, Remus gets up and starts quickly getting dressed.

“For your information, I know exactly what it means to love someone,” he says, once he’s fully clothed. He’s looking directly into Tonks’ eyes, and he’s fuming. “My whole bloody life, all of it has been shaped by the fact that I love someone. For you to fucking waltz in and–“

“See,” says Tonks, with grim satisfaction. “It wasn’t so hard to tell the truth, now, was it?”

Remus blinks twice.

“You’re impossible,” he says, shaking his head. “You don’t want the truth, you want me to tell you that I’m in love with you, which — yes, of course I am, who wouldn’t, but as long as he’s around I’ll never be able to fully…”

“He?” repeats Tonks in a small voice. She’s experiencing, she realises, a truly peculiar mixture of utter bafflement and perfect retroactive recognition. “Do you mean…?”

Remus sits at the end of the bed. He looks much older than he did just a few minutes before.

“Sirius, yeah, of course,” he confirms, staring down at his hands. “Who else?”

Tonks doesn’t really have anything to add to this.

“Are you two…?” she inquires after a while, as gently as she can manage.

Remus shakes his head again.

“No,” he says, looking at her with a desperate kind of urgency. “Not for years, it was over well before the end of the war. I never even realized how much I still… I wouldn’t have started anything with you if I had, believe me.”

“I do,” says Tonks, in a conciliatory tone. “I know you wouldn’t.”

Remus reaches for her, hesitates, rests his hand a few inches away from her leg.

“I’m so sorry for doing this to you, Dora, of all people. I really am.”

Tonks sighs and takes one last look at the lover she’s about to leave behind.

“Don’t be,” she tells her friend, and somehow she finds that she means it.

Comments

[liseuse]

Oh, this is wonderfully heartbreaking and bittersweet. <3

[shessocold]

Thank you so much, I'm really thrilled you liked my story :)

[aryastark_valarmorghulis]

Wonderful (as usual), and finally Tonks written like the beautiful, messy, adorable woman she deserves to be.

[shessocold]

<3 <3 <3

[magnetic_pole]

Loved this honest look at both of their shortcomings and the dynamics of their awkwardness relationship--thank you!

Also, Tonks' forthrightness has always been such a wonderful quality. I can just imagine her saying these things. *hugs her* M.

[shessocold]

"Honest" is such high praise, I'm super flattered! Thank you so much for your comment. :)

[averita]

I apologize for not replying earlier - the end of the semester has kept me offline until just now. What a delightful treat to come back to!

I adore Tonks, and have such mixed feelings about how her relationship with Remus is portrayed both in canon and in fics. This is such a beautiful, messy, and - in my mind - likely take on how they might have fallen together, and the grief, love, and friendship that do bind them despite it it being enough. The idea, too, that it might have been enough if Remus hadn't experienced something so powerful with Sirius - the fact that Tonks seems perfectly happy with what she describes as her idea of love - makes it all the more bittersweet.

He looks — infuriatingly — as if he sees the age gap between them as an unfortunate shortcoming of Tonks’, one that he’s too polite to openly blame her for. It might be the first time, Tonks realises, that she has seen him be anything but perfectly pleasant.

I love this line. It's SO REMUS. The fine line he's teetering on here is so apparent, and of course it's Tonks who finally makes him admit what he probably hasn't said aloud in many, many years. I love that she knew exactly who he meant, too: a truly peculiar mixture of utter bafflement and perfect retroactive recognition - perfect.

Thank you so much for this lovely fic. It's exactly the mood I was hoping for, and it's made my day. <3

[shessocold]

Yay, I'm so glad you enjoyed the story! I was worried I had taken the "external POV" thing a bit too far.

Thank you so much for your comment! Happy holidays <3

[secretsolitaire]

Oh, ouch. *hugs both of them*

[shessocold]

Ouch is right :D

[mindabbles]

What a painful and bold story. There’s a great deal of emotion and rawness in this small number of words. This feels like a conversation that definitely could have happened. Nice work!