![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elle_ja_bell posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
small_giftsAuthor/Artist: elle-ja-bell
Recipient: wildflame
Rating: Teen
Contents or warnings (highlight to view):none
Word count: 1460
Summary: The idea of a traitor is an insidious thing.
Notes: Sooo this was not the fic I was going to write, but the fic I was going to write got out of hand and is now several thousand words long and only half done. This will hopefully exist as a prequel piece to that fic. Sorry for all of the angst and happy holidays!!
On another note I need to thank my beta iboughtaplant because she is great and very supportive.
It felt like ages but it must have been mere minutes before Sirius stood tall in the doorway, shadows casting stark lines across his face. Remus knew instantly that something was wrong. He made to stand but stopped when Sirius moved first, striding across the room to kneel before him and then burying his head in Remus’ lap. Up close he smelled of whiskey and smoke and Remus’ hands moved instinctively to rest on Sirius’ head, carding his hands through his hair. He wanted to ask what was wrong, how he could help but there was something in the moment, something held and sharp, that made it impossible to speak. He could feel Sirius’ hot breath against his thighs and then, under his hands, Sirius began to shake. Great sobs wracked his body and Remus didn’t know what to do.
They stayed that way for ages, Remus’s trousers growing steadily damper but his hands never stilling their soothing motion. Then, suddenly, Sirius looked up his hands gripping at Remus’ hips, his waist, his eyes wild and over-bright.
“Tell me it isn’t you,”
“What?”
“Tell me it isn’t you, Remus, please,” there was a desperation in his voice, a brokenness.
“What do you… Sirius, I don’t know…”
But he did know didn’t he. The traitor. They knew there was one, or suspected, no one knew anything for sure these days. They’d been skirting about it for weeks now, Sirius and him, and now there he was asking, needing to know for sure, and Remus—
“Tell me!” Sirius was gripping his shoulders and shaking them with an almost frightening intensity. Remus’ eyes widened.
“It wasn’t,” he stammered “it isn’t me. I’m not-- I sweat I’m not.”
Sirius slumped forward then, against his neck and Remus felt a completely inappropriate rush of desire. Inappropriate in its timing, inappropriate in how one sided it had always been.
“Tell me,” Sirius said again and Remus felt rather than heard the words, felt Sirius’ hot breath spill across his racing pulse.
“I’m not the traitor.” Sirius shook his against his neck. “I promise, Sirius, I promise it’s not me.”
Now his collar was wet too and as Sirius continued to shake Remus wrapped his arms around him and squeezed tight. He held on until the sobs finally abated and then, at last, he loosened his hold, pulling back just enough to look him in the face.
“What happened?”
He didn’t want to know, knew that nothing good could have inspired all of this, but he had to ask. He hated that more than anything else. Sirius’ face crumpled briefly again before he pulled himself completely together, an uncannily empty expression filling his features
.
“The Mckinnons are dead,” his voice was like stone, “all of them. We got there too late and the door—” He had to stop and swallow here “The door was gone and inside… well… they’re gone. Marlene—” it was this that broke him, that brought all of that pain crashing back across his face.
Remus couldn’t breathe. He wanted to cry with Sirius too, to howl their impotent rage at the fucking moon but found himself oddly hollow. It was just so expected, that they’d loose someone else they loved. Marlene was not the first casualty of this war and he had no doubt that she would be the last. He had loved her, as Sirius had, loved her bright laugh and sharp wit and now she was gone. It seemed impossible but worse because if felt not at all surprising. He just just sat there and stared while Sirius watched his face. He didn’t know what the other man was looking for. He wasn’t sure he cared just then.
“They shouldn’t have known they were there,” Sirius said quietly, “They’d only moved there this morning and the only people who knew…”
Remus understood then. The only people who had know had been the ones there at the last meeting. Kingsley, Sirius, Peter, Moody, James, and Himself. A low turn out but so many people were away doing other things, risking their lives in other ways.
“Tell me it wasn’t you,” Sirius said again.
“It wasn’t me,” Remus said with as much sincerity as he could muster.
“Tell me again.”
“It wasn’t me.”
“Again.”
“It wasn’t me.”
“I want to believe you,” he said, exhaustion now clear in every line of his body. He leaned forward until his forehead pressed up against Remus’. Remus’ heart began to race again and their breath mingled between them.
“I want to believe you so badly,” and his lips were there, right there and Remus wanted, oh how he wanted. Sirius leaned in the barest amount lips brushing lips like ghosts in the night and then he let his head fall down onto Remus’ chest.
It took several deep breaths before Remus felt okay enough to speak, okay enough to live with he promise of yet another almost in his life, but when he did he carefully lifted Sirius up off his chest and then stood bringing the taller man up with him.
“Come on, let’s go to bed, tomorrow is another day.”
Sirius nodded numbly against him and gently Remus led him towards his bed room. There he deposited him on the bed, pulling off his ridiculous black leather boots, and encouraging him to get under the covers. Just as he was about to leave Sirius’ hand snaked out and wrapped itself around his wrist. When Remus looked back his eyes were wide and clear.
“Stay,” he said “I don’t want to be alone, not tonight.” And damn it all to hell Remus didn’t either. He knew it was weak of him and probably against some moral code but he wanted this, this closeness that Sirius so rarely offered anymore, so he nodded once, slipped out of his trainers and settled down beside Sirius. He fell asleep with Sirius pressed close against his front, whispering please, please, please into his chest.
————————
The next morning he woke up alone in Sirius’ bad. He deftly ignored the sinking feeling in his gut as he got up to use the toilet and brush his teeth in the bathroom across the hall. In fact he managed to ignore it through getting dressed in fresh clothes and running a brush through his hair. He managed to ignore it completely until he walked into the kitchen to find Sirius at the kitchen table, hands wrapped around a mug of coffee and his eyes trained on the floor. Then his stomach fell through his feet. They held there for what felt like eons, Remus frozen in the doorway and Sirius absently swirling his drink and not looking at him. Finally Remus broke the silence.
“I’m not the traitor,” He didn’t know why he said it but it felt more important than anything right now the Sirius know.
Sirius took a deep breath and the slowly raised his eyes to meet Remus’.
“See, I wish I believed you,” he said and his voice was horribly empty.
Remus wanted to yell, to throw something, to do anything really. Anything to break that horribly resolved expression off of Sirius’ face, but he knew it wouldn’t matter. Sirius had given him his chance to prove himself last night and somehow Remus had failed. Maybe it had never been possible to win at all.
“I see,” he said finally, “so that’s it then, is it?”
“I suppose it is.”
“Right.”
“I don’t think I can stay here. I’ll find another place. The flat—”
Remus cut him off, feeling somehow, that like everything else, this too had been inevitable.
“No. It’s your flat. I’ll go.”
“Remus—”
“I’ll go, okay? I’ll be out by the morning.”
Sirius didn’t seem to know what to say so finally he nodded.
“Thank you,” was all he said and unable to bear it a second longer Remus turned around left the kitchen, walked to the door, grabbed his coat and left.
no subject
Date: 2018-12-17 05:35 pm (UTC)Gosh,I loved how you wrote this-the tension,the inability to say what's on their minds,especially for Remus.Oh damn,he could have given in but he didn't.His character really showed through,how he doesn't want to lose his friends and resists his desire.But the way Sirius is so sure-and how they part ways,that just...ouch.It's very angst-y but man, it's good.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-10 03:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-17 09:36 pm (UTC)I love love love the feeling of this... The hurt feelings, the insecurity... It breaks my heart every time but it is such an interesting aspect of Remus's and Sirius's story line. I like the aspects of their characters you have developed here: Sirius is stubborn, jumps to conclusions and the contrast in his personality between night and day is also a really nice touch. I love that at first he desperately wants to believe Remus was not the traitor, begging him to persuade him he is not and then asking him stay and then in the morning it is the opposite. He thinks he knows Remus is the traitor and nothing will persuade him otherwise, and he wants to leave immediately. Meanwhile poor poor Remus is so lost as he tries to keep control of the situation- even his attempt to kindness in getting Sirius to bed may have even seemed evasive and a bit cold?! But anyway I love how angry he gets in the morning, when he want to yell and throw things- I really like to see this side of him. And still he is so calm on the outside and blames himself!!!! Classic Remus move!
Anyways I am babbling but if it wasn't obvious before this is great!! Thanks so much for an awesome small gifts!!
And oh please if there ever is more as you hinted to in the notes let me know!!!! Don't leave my poor heart hanging :D
no subject
Date: 2019-02-10 03:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-20 03:36 pm (UTC)The intensity of these few words. Sirius's desperation. I never knew four short words could convey this giant amount of emotions. Oh god. This is one of the most powerful first-war fic I've ever read.
Never. Been. Possible. Everything is gloomy and doomed. Argh. My heart broke into a million pieces. Please please please let us know if there's more to this!!!!!
no subject
Date: 2019-02-10 03:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-22 05:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-10 03:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-26 06:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-03 04:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-10 03:11 am (UTC)Podfic!!
Date: 2019-02-10 03:15 am (UTC)AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17722628
Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/user-971069776/lets-try-again-tomorrow-podfic