Fic: Aokigahara for Cevennes
Dec. 2nd, 2017 08:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
museinabsentia posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
small_giftsTitle: Aokigahara
Author/Artist:museinabsentia
Recipient:cevennes
Rating: R-ish
Contents or warnings (highlight to view): *some gore, wartime thoughts*
Word count: Just a bit over 13,200
Summary: Japan's Aokigahara Forest, or Sea of Trees, is one of the top suicide destinations in the world. That doesn't always make for the friendliest of spirits.
Notes: (user name=cevennes> Happy Holidays Cevennes! I attempted to get all three of your requests in here, although I'm not sure how well I succeeded, this thing had a mind of its own. I hope it's at least close to what you wanted. Also, a huge thanks torj31 for the amazing beta work. Thank you, also, to all of Team Awww for all the cheerleading, encouragement and help. You guys are far more patient with me than I deserve, and this probably wouldn't have been finished without all of you!
The snow was grey. Sirius was quite sure it should have been white, or possibly that faint blue everything turns when the moon is bright and the sky is clear, like the universe was blanketing everything in its own reflection. It took until he stopped to pick a snow burr out from between his paw pads that he even realized it was because he had four paws rather than two feet. He couldn't remember shifting. Or where he was.
Something or someone flitted in and out between unfamiliar trees, branches that seemed to reach and tangle in his fur like wooden hands, and the shadows smelled like static and earth, like hate and loss. He was growling before he even realized he had decided to, the vibrations rattling through his chest, grounding in the unfamiliar. He chased the closest shadow just before it flickered out of his line of sight, stuttering like a candle flame in a drafty hall.
Wind whispered almost words, rustling through the leafless, skeletal trees, voices guttural and low, unintelligible. Sirius felt like he was chasing his tail trying to catch sight of one of the apparitions through thick falling snow, his coat dusted white, his paws frostbitten, the terrain indefinitely unchanging.
He had no idea how far he had come, or which direction he had come from. When he glanced back, spine arching in tight a curl, tense and worried, there were no paw prints in the snow. The wind whipped by his ears, ruffling his fur and flapping his ears up over his head uncomfortably, and he could swear he heard it whisper, "We have what you want."
That's when the screaming started.
Sirius was woken up by shouting, and it took a moment to realize it had come from him. He was breathing hard and his sheets had gone from dust blue to midnight, soaked with sweat, comforters kicked to the end of the bed in a heap. Leg muscles were bunched, vibrating with the remnants of a growl that had followed him from the dregs of sleep, only contained behind human skin and vocal cords that would not release it. He couldn't remember the last time he woke up unafraid.
After a short debate with himself over the benefits of showering before stumbling out to the kitchen, and deciding that Remus had really seen him in worse states, he shuffled out of his bedroom, sleep pants dragging on the floor where they were a little too long, bare chested because he still felt like he couldn't breathe.
When he slumped into a kitchen chair Remus levitated a mug of coffee in front of him, already with just the right amount of milk, no sugar, and a heating charm. Remus didn't even look up from where he was reading the Daily Prophet, where the headline shrieked Muggle Family Killed in Shop Collapse: Magic Suspected.
It was a testament to the way of things that neither of them were even surprised at that. Well, Sirius assumed Remus wasn't surprised either. It was hard to tell, sometimes, what his friend was thinking.
He was fairly sure he had heard that Marlene McKinnon had been there, but he couldn't swear to it. There were rumors floating around like phantom owls, reaching only the ears they were meant to reach, about a rabble group of witches and wizards fighting against whatever was happening out in the real world outside their too large flat. Sirius was almost certain that he and Remus would be approached about joining any day now. James might already have been. No one was talking, and he was loath to ask. Wasn't sure which answer he would like less.
"You were shouting again," Remus said, soft, disinterested, like he knew that Sirius wouldn't appreciate him being concerned. There was enough to be concerned about without Sirius adding himself into the mix.
"I'll put up better silencing charms tonight." It was as close to an apology as he could manage these days.
Remus hummed in response, but didn't look up from the paper where he was carefully avoiding the front page. Probably looking at the classifieds again. Jobs were scarce in the magical world.
"An owl came for you." Remus slid a heavy parchment roll across the table, setting down the paper in favor of gripping his own coffee, too dark and too sweet for Sirius' taste, with both hands, the knuckles going slightly white. Sirius didn't ask. Probably should.
Instead he cracked the wax seal, the Potter family crest, with a frown. "Since when has James cared about formalities?"
Remus said nothing, just stared into his mug as if it held the answers the way that tea leaves never did, but that sometimes Sirius suspected his dreams might. He'd have to remember to look into that later. He had nothing better to do with his time, and it at least might shed some light on his recent string of nightmares.
"You are cordially invited to the wedding of – what is this bollocks?"
"There's a letter." Remus still hadn't let go of his coffee and he looked nearly as exhausted as Sirius felt, curled in on himself in a way that made Sirius want to unfurl him.
Sirius glanced down at the table to see what Remus was talking about. A small scrap of parchment had fallen out of the formal invitation he held in his hands, taunting him with its finality, its weight. He set it aside in favor of the cheap paper with torn edges and sloppy handwriting.
The silence that stretched around them while he read was almost smothering, it felt like falling snow and Sirius almost had to check that he was still awake. Sometimes he was quite certain that if he closed his eyes long enough and then opened them again he would actually wake up in bed none of this having been real; days where he was completely disassociated from everything outside his head. He wasn't sure if it was his family's bad genetics or just a coping mechanism from being subjected to his family's bad genetics. He wasn't sure if it mattered.
He read the letter. Then he read it a second time. Then he carefully set it down on the table next to his still mostly full coffee and stood up, using every ounce of willpower he had not to crumple it into the bin before he walked back to his bedroom and flung himself across his unmade bed.
Some time later Remus knocked on his open door, too respectful to come in. Sirius wished he would, just once. Just barge in and demand Sirius tell him what was wrong, because Sirius wasn't sure how to let it out any other way.
He grunted, and Remus took it for the acquiescence it was and came in, perching on the edge of Sirius' bed like he was afraid to settle. Probably his knees just hurt.
"So James finally got Lily to marry him," he started slowly, and his caution made Sirius hurt, because he knew it was his own barbs that made his friends hesitant with him. He didn't know how to trim his own thorns, and Remus was the most likely to risk them. James would call him a prat to his face, had even punched him a couple of times, but Remus would simply let Sirius get all his venom out, take the hurt and smooth Sirius out at his own expense. That wasn't to say that Remus never got angry with him, simply that he didn't often feel he deserved the right, and Sirius didn't know how to correct him without giving offense in a different way.
"It was bound to happen eventually," Sirius huffed, tucking his toes under his comforter like he was five again and he had just climbed into bed with Regulus after a nightmare. Regulus never seemed to have them. He had bitten his left thumbnail to bleeding and he wiped it off on his sleep pants. It would charm out later. "He's a charming bastard when he wants to be, and Lily was already easily susceptible to it."
Remus was watching him like he wanted to say more but was holding back, his words swallowed by the crease between his eyebrows, lost in the tight corners of his mouth.
"Are you okay, Sirius?"
"Do you know anything about interpreting dreams?" Sirius asked by way of reply. He was fairly certain that wasn't what Remus was asking about, but it was as good a redirect as he could manage. Remus might even let it slip by.
There was no response for a moment while Remus stared towards the hallway. Sometimes Sirius wasn't sure why Remus was living with him, if it was only out of pity. When he had bought the flat it was as a surprise graduation gift for them all. Four bedrooms, large sitting space, kitchen enough for them all. But James had declined, saying he needed to find a respectable job and a family flat if he ever wanted to convince Lily to marry him. And Peter had moved back home when his mother started to worry herself sick. Now it was just him and Remus and the flat echoed with all the sounds that were absent without their friends.
"Do you want to tell me about it?" Remus asked, not looking at him, giving him a way out. It wasn't a yes or a no, but Sirius didn't point that out. They seemed to be better at talking around each other these days.
He shrugged, picking at a thread on his comforter rather than look at Remus. "Nothing special, just a lot of trees that I'm lost in, snow, some malevolent ghost type apparitions." He couldn't say that he heard Remus screaming. That felt like too much to admit to.
Remus was still, dropping back to lean on his elbows, fingers scant centimeters away from where Sirius was fidgeting and Sirius felt the need to still, chastened by nothing more than the placement of Remus' hands. "Well," he started slowly, staring at where their hands were almost touching, eyes pinched slightly in the corners, "Snow usually means either feelings you aren't talking about, or that you're feeling neglected. Being lost in the woods means you're anxious about change. Ghosts mean that something as unattainable, or that you're feeling disconnected. So, I'd say that it all adds up to you being bored and lonely and needing to get out and entertain yourself some more. Or possibly go visit James for a while."
Sirius was quite certain that his nightmares had nothing to do with James, but he was just as certain that Remus thought he was upset about James and Lily getting married, and was probably projecting that all over his interpretations. And he wasn't entirely wrong, Sirius was upset, but not for the reasons anyone might suspect. He didn't begrudge James his time with Lily, and he certainly didn't feel like he was being replaced. It was simply that he felt like they were rushing it. That the social climate these days was pushing people into making all sorts of rash decisions because they didn't feel they had time to spare anymore. But he didn't know how to say any of that.
"Still the swot, Moony?" He asked, instead, trying to make light of the discomfiture that had followed him into the waking world.
A snort escaped Remus before he remembered himself and schooled his face solemn again. "I find interpreting dreams about as useful as upending my morning tea onto a towel and pretending it's telling me that a big black dog is going to leave fur all over my good trousers again, even though I hung them up out of reach."
The mood was broken, and Sirius let out an indignant laugh he didn't feel. "That was one time, Remus, and I apologized for that."
Remus seemed to latch onto the change of subject, and Sirius let him, encouraged it by flopping back on his bed as melodramatically as he could manage, feigning hurt to see if he could make Remus laugh. It worked, and Sirius peeked up from under the arm he had flung across his eyes for effect. The look on Remus' face as he shook his head looked to Sirius like he was fond of the antics, so he took that as a good sign and rolled onto his side, his face nearly pressed into Remus' thigh. "I couldn't help myself, they smelled good." It was far more of a truth than the casual joking he was going for, but Remus didn't need to know that.
"Sometimes I worry about your mental state, Sirius."
"Don't worry, Moony. Me too." Remus seemed disinclined to move, so Sirius grabbed his pillow, hugging it to give himself a reasonable reason for putting some space between them. "Let's do something completely impulsive."
Amusement faded to caution tinged with worry, but Sirius ignored it, grinning in what he hoped was a completely winning manner and not simply a slightly unhinged one. Sometimes it was hard to tell the difference.
"Like what?" There was trepidation in Remus' voice, and Sirius wanted to take it away, wanted all the worry to fade, even for a short period of time.
"Let's get out of here for a while. I mean, out of England, away from Muggle killings, and secret societies no one is meant to know about. Away from rush weddings and friends that can't be bothered to come out to the pub anymore. Away from insane families and feeling like you need to check over your shoulder before going to the bloody fucking loo. No planning, no worries, let's just take a break."
Remus looked like he wanted to immediately shut the idea down, but then he locked eyes with Sirius for a moment and his face softened. "Yeah, okay. It's not as if I have a job to be getting to, anyway."
The shock of it made Sirius catch his breath, blinking a couple of times to make sure this was reality. "Really?"
Patting the pillow that Sirius was hugging Remus smiled. It was still a touch tight around the edges, but it looked genuine enough. "Really."
"Where do you want to go, Moony?"
Remus shook his head, still smiling. "I'll leave the details up to you."
"Well, then, pack a bag. I'll have us out of here before tonight."
*****
The portkey Sirius had arranged for through Enchanting Excursions, the magical travel agency he had spotted an ad for in the Daily Prophet, appeared to be nothing more than an old postcard.
"Sort of fitting, really," Remus muttered, turning it over in his hand, a small travel bag slung over his shoulder. It was the one that James had given him for Christmas two years back which was charmed to hold nearly a month's worth of supplies. Sirius had a matching one strapped to his own back.
True to his word, he hadn't asked Sirius anything more about where they were going than what sort of clothes he ought to pack, trying to discern their location by asking if he should pack a parka or Hawiian shirt. It wasn't subtle, but it made Sirius smile. Of course, in the true spirit of adventure, Sirius didn't answer him, figuring they could transfigure anything they needed.
"How long now?" He asked. The watch the Potters had given him for his coming of age was the only thing of value he owned, and he didn't want to risk it on an unknown adventure. Remus, on the other hand, had a beat-up Muggle wrist watch that he rarely removed, so old the leather band was fraying away. A replacement might not be the worst idea for a Christmas gift. It was only weeks away now and Sirius still had no ideas. Of course, this holiday could be a gift for both of them, but he didn't want to seem self-involved, using his trip as a gift for Remus simply because he had paid.
"Less than two minutes."
"Well, then budge over a bit so we can both touch the bloody thing."
Remus shifted his pack to his other shoulder so that Sirius could slip up alongside him, their shoulders just brushing, and get a couple of fingers on the post card. Of course, then they were simply standing there, not quite pressed against each other, waiting while nothing happened for almost a solid minute. If it had been anyone besides Remus, Sirius would have said it was awkward, but they had known each other for nearing on eight years, and things like standing quietly together waiting was no longer uncomfortable, even if they had to fit into the size of a post card.
Then the world was suddenly spinning, compressing, tilting sideways and inside out, and they were popping out the other side in front of a small cabin, knee deep in snow. In the not so far off distance a snow-covered mountain loomed.
They had barely stumbled away from the portkey and Sirius could already feel tension slowly dripping out of him, running off into the woods that sprawled beneath the mountain, a strange mix of evergreen and deciduous that had gone bare for the winter, half green, half grey-brown-white bark that cast strange shadows from the distance.
"Japan?" Remus breathed, closer to his ear that Sirius had realized.
"I knew you'd recognize it." Sirius grinned and gave the password the travel agency had given him to let them into the rented cabin.
"Mount Fuji is fairly recognizable," was the only reply Remus gave, but the touch of awe in his voice was enough for Sirius to already think that this trip was worthwhile. "Just promise me I can attend one tea ceremony while we're here."
"Anything you want, Moony," Sirius grinned, pushing open the door.
The inside of the cabin was small, but well kept. It was no more than a single room with two small beds and a Muggle stove, but everything was clean and tidy and looked new.
While Remus inspected the room and settled his travel bag on the end of one of the beds, Sirius flung himself across the other, dropping his arm across his eyes and breathing in air that didn't taste of the city and fear.
"The travel agency has given me a list of safe Apparition points in Tokyo, Kyoto and Osaka. I thought maybe we'd go for dinner in Tokyo tonight and take a look around."
Rather than insist on working out details and a plan of action, Remus just smiled and sank down onto the second bed. "What were you thinking for dinner? Because I didn't pack with the intention of needing to get dressed up."
An image of Remus dressed in a Muggle suit flashed through Sirius' mind, causing him to pull up short. He had never really thought of Remus as attractive before, but suddenly he very viscerally wanted to see that. Shaking his head to clear it, telling himself that this was no time for epiphanies when they were confined to a small room for a week, Sirius grinned, hoping it looked as carefree as he had felt a moment ago.
"This is not a getting dressed up holiday, Moony. No worries. I was thinking we could Apparate in and pick the first sushi place that looked good. When else could we possibly have the real thing?"
Remus' smile said that Sirius had made the correct choice, and Sirius settled a little. He liked making Remus smile. It didn't happen often enough.
"We could even leave now, spend some time wandering around Tokyo."
"I thought the point was to get away from the city for a while."
Sirius shrugged, feeling some of the stress that he had been trying to flee settle into his bones, frozen there, unshakable even now. He closed his eyes against it. "Sort of."
The bed sank at Sirius' side, and a hand settled on his shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it, Sirius?"
He shook his head. "I just thought we could use a break from all the Muggle attacks and dark magic and fear for a little while."
"And the timing has nothing at all to do with James getting married?" Remus sounded soft, cautious, almost like he was afraid that he might set Sirius off with his question. Sirius sighed and settled his hand over Remus' on his shoulder.
"Of course it does. He's rushing into getting married out of fear that they won't have the time to do it in the future. I don't doubt for a second that he loves her, but they've been dating for months. And barely that."
The hand on his shoulder squeezed briefly, then pulled away, molasses slow, like Remus didn't want to let go, but knew he should.
"That's the only reason? Not because..." He trailed off, voice going fuzzy, slipping away down a lost thought that never came out. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence with Remus. He didn't always seem to know when the words came out of his mouth and when he simply thought them really loudly and no one else could hear them.
Sometimes Sirius let it go, but this seemed to be bothering Remus, so he decided to try and follow the line of questioning and the tone of his voice, letting it unfurl into a path he could track to the end. And then he burst out laughing. A little hysterical and a lot incredulous, tinged with just a bit of bitter.
"You think I'm jealous." It wasn't a question.
"It's not a completely irrational conclusion, Sirius." Remus still sounded hazy, unfinished, filtered through the strained laughter that Sirius couldn't seem to quell.
"He's made plenty of time for us even now that he has Evans, I doubt that will change if they get married."
Remus frowned, a flat dip of his mouth, a furrow between his brows, a rebuke without words. "That's not what I meant."
"I know," Sirius sighed, shaking his head and tamping down the last trickle of hysteria that wanted to burble up and make him do something incredibly foolish. "But I can't even fathom the other idea."
"So, you're not at least a little bit in love with James, then?" There was skepticism trickling through the words, hesitant, but solid enough that Sirius could almost taste it filling the air between them.
"Not in any way other than as a replacement for my mad lot of a family."
Emotions flickered across Remus' face faster than Sirius could process them, but he settled on disbelieving colored with hurt, and Sirius simply didn't have the energy to deal with that.
"Come on, let's go explore Tokyo," he snapped, flinging himself from the bed, agitated, stretched thin between what looked to be the beginnings of a full-on war back home, the stupidity of his best friend, the obliviousness of another, and the expectation that he be the one to bridge them all.
"Sirius..." Remus trailed off, lightly touching his arm, soothing in the wrong way. Sirius shook his head, latching on to Remus' arm, probably too tight.
"Just let it go." He probably sounded angry, but there was nothing for it. He was. But even more so he was exhausted. This was meant to be a break from it all, not a way to dredge it all up. Rather than give Remus a chance to not listen to him, he used the arm he was holding to pull them together, Apparating them to the safe point he had memorized with plans for dinner rather than escape.
Once they had decompressed Sirius took off almost immediately, Remus trailing behind as they stepped out into Muggle Tokyo. It was already dark outside, and the city smelled like street food, petrol and thousands of people; the streets packed with people who were rushing back and forth, crammed tightly together and Sirius immediately felt like he'd been swallowed by a swarm of bees. The press of people was almost overwhelming, and without a single one of them speaking English it was suddenly like he had tumbled into one of the portraits back at Hogwarts, everything recognizably familiar, and still just foreign enough that he felt lost, caught in a surreal parody of what he knew.
He didn't realize he was hyperventilating until Remus caught up and wrapped an arm around his waist, squeezing hard.
"Breathe with me, Padfoot," he murmured, leaning into Sirius' ear so that his words hissed a breeze against Sirius' cheek. "Come on, time your breathing with mine."
Sirius felt Remus breathing against his ribs, and tried to make his own match, closing his eyes against the strange looks they were getting from people on the street. It only took a count of eight, in one out one, in two out two, before Sirius got his breathing slowed, and his hands were only shaking a little.
"Thanks, Moony. I'm sorry. I'm not quite sure what happened."
"You are usually better in a crowd than that," Remus allowed, frowning, but at least this was a worried frown rather than a disappointed one, and that Sirius could deal with.
He shrugged, knowing Remus would feel it rather than see it, still pressed against his side, warm, familiar, and comforting. An anchor in the bog that the magical world had become. "It wasn't the crowd."
Remus slowly disentangled them now that Sirius was breathing again, but he didn't say anything, leaving Sirius with the mixed desire to both keep babbling and to find someplace to hide. It was a strange ability that Remus possessed, to compel both the desire to behave and to repent even when having done nothing wrong.
Dragging Remus with him, Sirius slipped into the doorway of a closed shop that appeared to be selling tourist trinkets and the Muggle version of what looked like charmed slips of paper, hanging on ribbons in the window. He wasn't sure how these things were meant to work, but it could possibly be a magical shop in a culture he didn't understand masquerading as a Muggle shop. He wasn't sure it mattered, but it was a distraction that let him focus on something other than the street full of people.
Once the crowds of people were rushing past and he had a wall at his back Sirius finally slumped a little. "I wanted to get out of London for a while so we could stop feeling like we needed to watch our backs all the time, and suddenly everyone was talking around me and I couldn't understand any of it and I realized that even if I did need to watch my back I wouldn't know it. It's not like just because the war hasn't spread to Asia there couldn't still be dark wizards or witches, or even just angry Muggles who don't like travelers." It was the first time he had used the word war out loud, and something about it seemed to fill the air between them, stifling, nearly suffocating.
Brow knit, Remus didn't answer him, but rather glanced around, mouth a tight slash in his face, before letting his wand drop into his hands and flicking it furtively with a muttered Transferenium and suddenly Sirius felt his ears heat up in a way decidedly unlike blushing.
"What did you do?" Sirius hissed while Remus tucked his wand back up his sleeve, eyes still tight just around the corners.
"Translation spell. Now you'll be able to understand any language spoken within a ten-meter distance of you, and anyone you speak with will hear you speaking in their language. It's a little risky, because you might suddenly appear to know how to speak twelve different languages, but it ought to help for now."
Flinging his arms around Remus, Sirius tucked his face into Remus' neck for a moment and just breathed him in. "Thank you!" He hissed fervently, refusing to admit to himself that he was clinging just slightly. He missed their school days, when things were simple and fear wasn't the prevailing emotion. When clinging to your friends was still an acceptable thing to do, even though they all needed it far less than they did now that they had to pretend to be adults and not just scared boys playing at being more.
"Maybe we should get our sushi to go and try this again later in the week."
Nodding, Sirius pried himself off of Remus with a grimace, but didn't apologize for fear of making things even more awkward than they already were.
A quick trip was made into a small storefront, barely large enough for four or five patrons at a time, but which looked cleaner than the others in the area and was well lit and had the added bonus of a menu that was written in both kanji and English, clearly designed for tourists. Sirius had never been more grateful that he had thought to have Gringotts change some of his Galleons to Japanese Muggle money, because he couldn't figure out how to convert Wizarding money to Muggle money, let alone how to convert English Muggle money to Japanese Muggle money. His head was spinning just thinking about it as he handed over what sounded like an absurd amount of the little paper notes for an obscene amount of sushi, and something Remus ordered called onigiri which appeared to be some sort of rice ball that Sirius was resigned to trying before the night was over.
They each had a bag in one hand and Sirius had a hand on the door when the old man sitting to the side of the counter with his own food in front of him, head bowed, white hair in front of his eyes, spoke in halting English as grizzled as his face. "Do not go to Sea of Trees. Death wait there."
Remus glanced at Sirius, catching his eye startled, before turning, ever polite, his face schooled blank, covering his curiosity. "Excuse me?"
The old man wasn't there.
Trying to ignore the chill that ran down his spine, Sirius shoved his way out the door and onto the street, just wanting to breathe, Remus following close behind.
"What was that?" Remus asked, quiet, voice nearly swallowed by the sounds of the city.
"I have no bloody clue."
They hustled back to the Apparition point and, clutching their food to them, Apparated back to the small cabin.
Remus dug through the cabinets that lined one wall near the fireplace until he found a small kettle that would withstand a couple of vigorous warming charms and set about making them tea while Sirius found some plates and put out their food along with a bottle of saké he had picked up. The small table seemed to be set for Western visitors, because it was a full height and set with chairs rather than the mats that Sirius had expected. He was more grateful than he wanted to let on that Remus wouldn't be forced to make his knees suffer through kneeling when they were alone.
Food disappeared quickly and saké quicker as they sat in a comfortable silence, Sirius calming down from his earlier panic and feeling a little silly about the whole thing. He had been the one who had wanted to travel, and then he suddenly couldn't handle it. Having Remus with him, calm, collected, cool under pressure Remus, had been the only thing that kept him from fleeing and heading back to London immediately. And now that they were back in the rented cabin he was rather embarrassed, and well on his way to slightly tipsy.
"So, what plans do you have for tomorrow?" Remus asked around a mouthful of eel and rice, a drop of soy sauce clinging to his lip.
Sirius took a bite of salmon sashimi to give himself a moment, swallowing hard when Remus licked his lip clean. The saké was clearly going to his head, because the cabin was suddenly far too warm and stifling. He picked up his masu, drained it and stood up, stumbling his way outside to a concerned murmur from Remus that he couldn't understand through the buzzing in his ears.
Snow whipped at his face, the cold biting against his overheated face, freezing down into his lungs. He was fairly certain that the alcohol had both nothing and everything to do with his incredibly sudden epiphany that he wanted to lick Remus' lip for him. There was no sudden burst of incredulousness or discomfort or any amount of denial, and he was just drunk enough that he wouldn't have been able to lie to himself even if he wanted to. It was mostly a slowly thickening sense of dread that he had been repressing this for a long time and now that he had acknowledged it to himself there was no way to put this particular genie back in its saké bottle.
The door didn't close behind him, which meant that Remus had followed him out into the snow. He wanted to yell at him for coming out into the cold with no warming charms and only a little more than a week until the full moon; he wanted to hug him close, to keep him warm, to keep him safe. He opted for pretending he hadn't run out in a panic and pretending that nothing had changed.
A shadow seemed to peek out from behind cypress tree before scurrying off to disappear behind a leafless Mongolian oak. Something shrieked in the distance. Sirius jumped and whirled in the direction of the sound.
"It's probably just a Tanuki. They roam wild around here," Remus said softly, crowding in close to Sirius and blanketing them both in a heavy warming charm.
"Where Muggles can see them?" Sirius wasn't sure if this was a change of subject or a temporary reprieve but he was going to take it either way.
"Yeah, but they think they're normal racoon dogs. They've influenced a strain of myths about shapeshifters, but the local Ministry branch makes sure it stays to that."
"Trust you to know that, Moony." Sirius leaned into Remus' shoulder under the pretense of a friendly nudge, and staying there under the less fictitious excuse of being a little wobbly from having finished nearly a bottle of saké himself.
"Do you want to talk about what you're running away from, Sirius?"
"I'm not running away from anything!" Sirius did his best to sound indignant, but feared he probably came across as more petulant.
Hurt tempered by exhaustion flickered across Remus' face, and Sirius was suddenly just as exhausted as Remus looked.
The shrieking came again, much closer this time, so close Sirius felt like he could nearly see the sound as it bounced around his skull, breaking through the fog that had had him running out into the snow in just a thin jumper, his wand still on the table inside.
This time Remus jumped as well, turning towards Sirius, glancing over his shoulder, even though the sound had come from the other direction. "That was much closer this time," he whispered, eyes slightly wide.
They were centimeters apart. "It came from that way," Sirius breathed.
"What?"
"Behind you." Sirius barely hissed any sound out at all before he closed the distance, unable to keep from kissing Remus any longer.
For a brief, glorious moment Remus leaned closer, gasping into Sirius' mouth before roughly shoving him away, wrenching away like the air was as thick as Sirius' tongue in his mouth, the stretch pull between them snapping sharp.
Before either of them could say anything, though, the shrieking came again, this time from multiple directions and another shapeless shadow ran from the middle of nowhere, appearing just meters away from them and disappearing into the trees.
"Maybe," Remus said softly, voice slightly shaky to match his hands where they still clung onto Sirius' jumper, "we should go inside, put up a few good warding charms, and then we should talk."
Sirius, who really didn't want to talk about being rejected, but did want to be inside suddenly, nodded as they crept their way back inside, keeping a wary eye on the tree line.
Barely through the door, Remus closed and latched it quickly, casting a few solid warding charms and one rather strong shield charm before leaning against the wall, breathing fast and glancing around like he wasn't sure they hadn't sealed some indiscernible force in with them. Time was a tepid thing, crawling and rushing simultaneously while they looked at anything but each other, not sure where to start.
Finally, Sirius couldn't take the immobility any longer. "Just a Tanuki?" he asked, sinking down onto one of the two beds.
"Better safe than sorry," Remus shrugged, heaving himself off the wall and into the room. He was frowning and staring at Sirius like he didn't really know him, and Sirius didn't really want to relive his brief humiliation.
"Look, can we just pretend that none of that happened and go about our holiday, please?"
"You kissed me," Remus said by way of reply.
"Clearly not." Sirius ran a hand through his hair, tugging at a tangle briefly, and tucked his knees up, bare feet leaving wet stains on the blankets. He stared at them, forgetting for a moment that he had run outside into the snow barefoot.
Remus sighed, heavy, pulling it from someplace between mildly frightened and deeply confused and spilling it out into the space between them, a tangible bubble separating them far more effectively than the few meters the cabin allowed for. "You're drunk," he said, finally, a little worried and a lot placating. "We'll do the heavy talking in the morning. The wards should hold. Get some sleep, Sirius."
"You do know I didn't kiss you because I'm drunk, right?" That seemed a very important distinction, and Sirius was suddenly afraid that Remus had the totally wrong end of things.
HIs words seemed to have the opposite effect he was looking for, however. Scrubbing a hand across his face, Remus turned and stripped off his trousers, giving Sirius a look at his long legs, which given how much he still wanted to snog Remus should have been more enticing than it was. It wasn't as if he had never seen Remus naked before, and it wasn't any different now, and he felt like maybe it should have been. The only difference now was a light sheen of guilt for watching that colored the entire moment.
There was no answer while Remus pulled on pyjama bottoms and discarded his shirt, shoulders curled down in a bowstring of tension, curling his spine taught with the draw of it.
"I kissed you because you're beautiful," Sirius whispered, leveraging himself up off the bed, and turning his own back to change, and in large part to avoid having to see Remus' reaction. "And that doesn't change when I'm not drunk."
The bed across the room creaked with what must have been Remus settling in, but Sirius refused to look, changing quickly, and charming his sheets dry from his feet before huddling in on himself, and tucking himself under the pile of blankets provided.
"Get some sleep."
With a sigh Sirius resigned himself to tossing until morning.
The snow was still grey. Sirius dragged his tail through it, trying to leave himself some sort of path to follow back, to keep from getting lost in this monochrome shadow plane, but it didn't seem to help. It left just as nonexistent a mark as his paws and it was making him colder. He didn't think he should be cold in a dream.
There was something he was supposed to be looking for, but he couldn't remember what that something was. A familiar shriek echoed off to his left, followed by a high cackling laugh.
Shadows seemed to follow him between the trees, peeking out to watch his progress, malevolently curious.
"We have what you want," one of them hissed in his left ear, nearly on top of him, but when he spun around there was nothing there.
"We have what you want." This time by his right flank.
"We have what you want." Behind him.
"We have what you want. We have what you want. We have what you want. We have what you want." The screaming started again.
Sirius started to run faster, trying to pick out the direction the screaming was coming from, but it sounded like it was coming from everywhere. He stumbled over a dead log half buried in the snow and came down awkwardly, slicing his paw on a hidden rock. Blood dripped black into the snow, swallowed into the grey and vanishing entirely.
Limping towards where he thought the screaming was coming from, Sirius was slowing down, paws harder to lift over the crest of the snow he was running through, dragging, one paw throbbing. Then the piercing shriek cracked through the air, covering up the screaming for a staccato moment, bursting through the static in his head.
"Sirius. Sirius."
Sirius jerked awake, flinging himself upright and nearly colliding with Remus who was perched on the edge of his mattress.
"I'm sorry, did I wake you up?"
Remus wrapped an arm around his shoulders and Sirius slumped into him, strings dropped, no longer holding him taut, but not cut, waiting to tangle him back up again as soon as he was released.
"You were shouting again."
"I'll put up silencing charms," Sirius mumbled, already dozing against Remus' shoulder, familiar security settling in around him, warm and smelling like tea and the remnants of sushi and saké.
"Do you want to talk about it?" The bed sagged as Remus squeezed in beside him, easing him back to laying down and curling up behind him, an arm slung around his waist, knees parenthetical.
Sirius just shook his head and slurred, "Nothing new," before lacing their fingers together and immediately falling back to sleep.
*****
The first thing Sirius noticed when he woke up was that he was alone in his bed. In fact, he wasn't sure he had ever not been. Perhaps that, too, had been a strange dream, his due for surviving the first one. The second thing that he noticed was that his hand hurt.
Slowly, sticky slow, he pulled back the blanket and looked down at his left hand. There was a four-centimeter-long gash still oozing thick blood sluggishly, like it couldn't decide if it wanted to stop or not.
"Remus?" He didn't like the way his voice was shaking, sleep slurred and adrenaline tumbled.
Remus, who was sitting back on the second bed, blankets nested up around his knees, a cup of matcha in his hand and a guide to magical Japan in the other, gently set the book down on the bed and took a long pull on the tea before turning to Sirius.
Something must have shown on his face, because the tea was set down on the floor rapidly, and Remus was across the small room in a matter of steps, settling down on the edge of the bed like he hadn't spent the night sleeping in it. He didn't ask what was wrong, just waited for Sirius to talk to him, which was both kind and significantly harder.
Sirius settled for simply holding his hand out and letting Remus see the jagged wound in his hand, livid red and puffy beneath the blood that was just starting to crust around the edges.
"Please tell me I injured myself while drunk last night and don't remember it?"
Shaking his head, Remus reached out gently and took Sirius' hand in his, leaning down to look more closely. "You weren't any more idiotic than usual, and certainly didn't do anything that would have caused this."
Wincing, Sirius tugged his hand back, reaching for his wand. Thankfully he had gotten pretty good at basic healing charms, an accumulation of trial and error on mornings after full moons. The cleaning charm hurt the most, the burn reminiscent of a shot of firewhiskey crawling under his skin. The actual healing charm mostly itched.
"Maybe you did it while you were thrashing around last night?"
Sirius closed his eyes for a moment. At least Remus wasn't going to play it off as if it hadn't happened. "I dreamed that I sliced my paw open."
He watched Remus swallow hard, tracing the line of it down his throat while Remus was still staring fixedly at the thin white line that was all that was left of his now healed injury. "So, you rolled into something in your sleep, cut your hand and your dream translated the pain."
Remus sounded so decisive and Sirius desperately wanted to believe him, to accept that explanation as plausible, rather than that he had been having the same nightmare for weeks and that last night he finally recognized the mountain in the distance because he could see it from just outside their rented cabin.
He didn't say anything, just summoned a tee-shirt and denims from his pack. Remus took it for a dismissal, even though Sirius wasn't really sure he wanted him to go very far, and slunk back to his own bed, picking back up his tea and the guide book he had been leafing through before Sirius distracted him. Sirius gave it to him and slipped out of the bed to get dressed.
"Narusawa Ice Cave is supposed to be spectacular, and according to the guide book is just a short hike into the woods, if you're interested," Remus said, casual, changing the subject and leaving Sirius falling behind and tangled in the remnants of his dream and much less tangible memory of being curled up together like it meant something.
Smiling as best he could and fisting his still slightly aching hand into his pocket so he couldn't keep looking at it, Sirius summoned his boots and grabbed a piece of the toast that Remus had apparently made earlier and left on the small table for him. He wasn't sure he liked that he had slept through that, but he just chewed on a bite, tipping his head in thanks and privately wondering where Remus got the bread. "If that's what you want to do today, then I'm okay with that." It was as close to I will do anything you want right now if you'll just at least entertain the idea that last night wasn't a mistake as he could manage to get out. Even he wasn't sure if he meant the dream, the injury or the kiss. He wasn't sure it mattered. Probably all three, if he was being honest with himself, which he tried not to do too often these days. That way led to overthinking the political state of the wizarding world, and on a more personal level, his friends, and he wasn't going to face any of that any sooner than he had to.
Remus just smiled and grabbed his own trainers, charmed waterproof for the winter weather, and slipped his feet in. Jackets were grabbed and warming charms applied while Remus chatted about the formation of the ice cave, the magical history behind it, and the mythology. Sirius mostly tuned him out, he didn't really care about the information, but he did care about hearing Remus talk, letting his voice lull him into the first real calm he had had in months.
The door swung open under Remus' hand and Sirius nearly ran into him when he came to an abrupt halt one foot outside the door, one still in. Following his line of sight, Sirius saw the claw marks on their door, much too high up to be from a Tanuki.
"Well, now I'm rather glad that you insisted on those warding charms last night," Sirius said softly, dropping a hand on Remus' shoulder. "Are you sure you want to go off hiking in the woods?"
With a little shake of his head, Remus tore his eyes off the deep gauging in the door. "According to the guide book it's perfectly safe as long as we're back before dark."
There was blood in one of the scratches, and Sirius had to force himself to look away and catch Remus' eye as Remus closed the door firmly and turned away from it. "Then lead on. I don't have the first bloody clue where we're going."
Snow crunched underfoot as they trekked through the trees, Remus pointing out a flock of Cackling Cranes and even a set of Kitsune tracks, although he never spotted the Kitsune. The walk was pleasant enough, and they only had to reapply the warming charms once before they reached the entrance to the caves. It was a Muggle tourist spot, with a full canteen style building for ticket sales and information.
They bypassed the Muggle entrance since the caves were closed for the winter. There was a smaller wizarding hut off into the trees, concealed by what seemed to be both a Muggle repelling charm and a glamor so that it appeared to be nothing more than a hollowed-out tree stump.
When they got close it turned out that the wizarding entrance was closed as well, but there was a sign up, blank with swirling lines and curlicues. It made Sirius a little dizzy to watch, but Remus just stepped close and murmured "English" to the sign, which settled into English writing.
"And this is why I bring you with me, Moony. You do your homework."
The grin Remus turned on him was sharp and bright. "It's good to know you only like me for my study skills."
Sirius could feel his smile tighten at the corners, and it must have shown, because Remus' smile dimmed a little. "I need someone to copy from." It came out flat, and Sirius turned toward the cave mouth so he didn't have to see the excitement die on Remus' face. "Come on, let's go explore. You can tell me all about how the caves were used for storing potions ingredients a thousand years ago or whatnot."
"Actually, you're not wrong," Remus said gently, catching up to Sirius who had started to wind his way into the cave, trying not to slip. He failed, landing hard on his arse with a yelp.
"Are you okay?" The hand Remus dropped onto his shoulder was warm, despite the temperature in the cave purported to be hovering between zero and three degrees Celsius.
"Yeah, just bruised and embarrassed. Nothing new there."
The cave he had managed to slide into was entirely coated in a thick sheet of ice. In some places the rock beneath was visible, but most were a milky white opaque that refracted the bit of light that filtered through in strange directions, making the entire place seem to shimmer despite how dim it was.
Hoisting himself up, Sirius wandered over to one of the walls which had icicles dripping down overhead, and rivulets of frozen water in solid streams, visible from each other as they froze in different tracks.
After a few minutes of going cross-eyed trying to trace the cords of ice Remus slid up beside him and leaned into his shoulder. "There's a second cave if we keep walking."
Half asleep and slightly mesmerized by the way the ice had run down the walls of the cave like it was free flowing water rather than petrified, Sirius just gave a slow smile, blinking heavily, and breathed, "I'll follow anywhere you want to go."
Remus froze, then shook his head. "You have to stop, Sirius."
Unable to reel himself in in time, Sirius finally snapped. "You kissed me back, Remus. And you don't have the excuse of claiming you were drunk. I'll back off if that's what you want, on one condition."
The warmth left his side as Remus stepped away, eyes trained on the cave wall as if he were afraid to look at Sirius, who was sorely regretting getting agitated, but really rather wished Remus didn't keep himself so well closed off.
Time was a sticky thing, clinging to the walls of the cave, to Sirius' breathing, sharp and jagged, clinging to Remus' unforthcoming answer so that he couldn't tell how long they had been in the cave, how long he had been waiting for Remus to answer, how long the ice had been seeping into his bones.
Nothing. No answer.
"Just tell me why," Sirius sighed, soft, lost, as he turned away and followed the narrow corridor into the second cave. It was a tight enough squeeze that they had to walk one in front of the other, shoulders nearly brushing both sides.
Remus didn't have a chance to answer, however, because there in the middle of the tight fit of a tunnel, slumped on the floor in a heap was a young woman. She appeared to be bleeding from the head, and Sirius pushed his way through the tunnel to her as quickly as he could and crouched down at her side, Remus still stuck behind him with no space to fit through.
"Miss? Are you alright?"
"Please speak English, your accent is terrible," the woman mumbled in response, picking her head up and quirking a bit of a smile around the tightness at the corners of her eyes. Her gaze was slightly glassy, but she sounded coherent and her breathing seemed even. Sirius let out a silent sigh of relief and forced a chuckle at her jibe. He had no idea what his accent sounded like with Remus' charm, so he didn't comment, just cast a silent finite incantatem and hoped that would be enough to switch him back to English.
"What happened?" He asked, cocking his head so he could get a good look at the wound. It was a sharp gash near her hairline, but it didn't appear to still be bleeding.
"I slipped," she replied softly, tipping her head to give him a better look. "My friend is going for help, but I don't know where he is or how long he's been gone. I'm starting to get dizzy."
Sirius was just reaching to brush her hair back, get a solid look when Remus spoke from behind him.
"Sirius, please back up and come here." His voice was tight, drawn out between a low growl and a pinched hiss. Sirius responded to that tone before the words even processed.
"What's wrong, Remus?"
"Please just come here."
As Remus was barely a solid meter behind him, Sirius frowned, but he unfurled from his place on the icy ground and turned around as best he could in the tight tunnel.
Remus was pale, eyes wide, jaw tight. "We need to leave, right now."
"We can't just leave her here."
"Sirius," Remus grabbed his arm, and stared over his shoulder to where to strange young woman was still huddled. "I didn't cast the translation charm today. You were always speaking English."
Spinning his head around Sirius just managed to catch the face of the young woman as her smile turned feral, her face going almost slightly blurry, the detail fuzzing out like an old memory, and she started to giggle. A high-pitched burbling sound that slowly crept up in tone until Sirius felt the need to clap his hands over his ears to keep his skull from vibrating apart. Her wicked grin grew wider and wider, distending until her mouth was a gaping wound against the side of the cave, emitting an echoing shriek that sounded disturbingly familiar. Then, she simply vanished. No pop, not fading away, she was just gone.
"Why exactly did the guidebook say we needed to be back by dark?" Sirius was still staring at the spot the young woman had been, Remus a warm weight against his back as neither of them was quite willing to say they were clinging, but Sirius was definitely glad for the security.
"Yūrei."
Sirius took a deep breath and backed up just a step, putting some distance between them. "You know, that doesn't mean a thing to me."
"A type of vengeful spirit that-"
Sirius didn't give Remus a chance to finish, cutting him off, wishing his voice wasn't shaking. "But right now, I just want to get back to the cabin, put up the strongest wards we know and then, and only then, can you explain to me why Japanese ghosts are so much creepier than the English versions that will sit with you for lunch and tell you about their experiences in the Fourth Goblin Rebellion."
"Well, we can't Apparate. There are anti-Apparition charms all over the place out here. It's too much of a Muggle tourist spot to risk it. We'll have to walk."
"Of bloody course we will. Why in Merlin's name would we be able to get out of here quickly?" Pulling out his wand and casting a couple of extra warming charms for reinforcement, and a shield charm behind them, Sirius turned and nudged Remus to get him moving back the direction they came.
The caves were small enough that they were back outside in a matter of minutes, only it was a little hard to tell that because in the hour or so they had been underground it had begun to snow heavily, tiny white particles sprinting towards the ground in a blinding sheet.
"I never thought I'd miss the rain," Remus muttered, huddling in on himself and shivering despite the warming charms.
"Come here, Moony," Sirius breathed, holding out his arms. Remus frowned at him, but let himself be enfolded. "I know we're in a hurry, believe me. But we aren't going to make it very far if you're frostbitten and on your way to hypothermia."
"My warming charms have always been shite," Remus shrugged, pressed against Sirius.
"You should have said something." Sirius cast a double warming charm so that when Remus stepped back again it would move with him. "Now, let's get out of here. Which way is back to the cabin again?"
Remus stopped and glanced around frowning. "You know, I'm not sure. It's north-west from here, but with the snow I can't tell which way we're facing anymore."
"Compass charm?"
"Compass charm," Remus agreed while Sirius balanced his wand in the palm of his hand so that the tip would find north. Remus flicked his wand at it, but Sirius' wand simply started spinning uncontrollably. "Well bugger," Remus muttered. "The magnetism from the iron in the ground must be affecting the charm."
"Remus?" Sirius hissed out the sibilants, eyes shifting around to check behind them, feeling like they were being watched. "Are we lost in the haunted forest?"
"Don't panic."
"That's not a no."
Remus didn't answer, and Sirius glanced behind them a second time, the mouth of the cave still looming, a silent warning of what could go wrong.
"Well, pick a direction, then," Sirius sighed, curling his shoulders down and resisting the urge to look behind them for a third time.
After glancing around intently for a moment Remus nodded to himself and set off at a brisk pace. Sirius startled, and jogged to catch up to where Remus had stepped into the thickest of the swirling snow and heavy evergreen branches. Nothing. No bird sounds, no rustling, no footprints. And no Remus.
"Remus?" No answer, although Sirius thought he heard a high-pitched cackle in the distance. Whirling around he saw nothing, and he wasn't sure his mind wasn't playing tricks on him. "Remus. Where the bloody fuck are you?" Still nothing. "Come on, you git, you're scaring me right now!" The only sound was the cotton muffling of the snow and the hiss of the wind twisting through the trees.
"REMUS!" Cold air rushed into his lungs as he screamed choking him, and he doubled over coughing. When he came back up, wheezing and gasping for air he fell against the nearest tree, bark digging into his shoulder, and he glanced around only to realize he could no longer see the cave.
Jogging as fast as he could in ankle deep snow, Sirius headed back the direction he had come only to find more trees. They had barely been past the cave when Remus vanished, so it should have been right behind him, but there was nothing there.
That was when he spotted the humanoid shadow figure dart between two skeletal trees. He could smell the snow and the bitter tang of the earth beneath it, so he knew that this time it wasn't a dream.
Knuckles white on his wand, freshly dropped from his sleeve holster, he turned resolutely back towards the sea of trees.
"Okay," he whispered to himself, trying to find some sound that wasn't swallowed immediately by the precipitating white noise. "Okay, I'm awake this time. That means I have some measure of control."
One last quick look around and Sirius slowly melted down onto four paws, his wand held tightly in his teeth. Pacing back and forth across what was probably meant to be a path but looked like nothing more than a deer run, he sniffed and snuffled at the ground hoping for any trace of Remus. Not only could he not smell Remus, but he didn't smell any passing animals, or even any leftover traces of Muggle tourists.
Changing back to human shaped he slashed his wand towards the nearest tree with a hissed Diffindo and watched with some small satisfaction as an arrow appeared in the direction he was headed.
Finding some taut line between frantic and cautious, Sirius took off at a brisk pace, stopping every hundred meters or so to mark another tree, trying to outwit the remnants of a dream.
Another shadow ran between trees, and this time he could swear he heard it whisper "I have what you want" before it vanished again into the haze of snow. He had to close his eyes and open them again really slowly to make certain he was awake this time, for how terrifyingly familiar this all was. He just hoped he could avoid the screaming.
He couldn't tell how long he had been running around in circles in an infinite forest that he couldn't track his way through even in dog form. It was starting to get dark, but he couldn't be sure if that was the sun going down or the snow getting heavier. He didn't have a clear enough view of the sky through the trees, barren as the branches were they were still too thickly woven together, twisting around each other in a spiraling, arching attempt to reach for sunlight. He had counted seven more semi-human shaped shadows that vanished every time he turned to get a closer look at them.
Paws were picking up little snow matts, and the fur was freezing together as he tried sniffing around again, bursting through into a clearing in the middle of the trees. Every tree ringing the desolate little slip of ground had a Diffindo etched arrow on it, pointing in every direction, some even pointing straight into the earth, half buried in the snow, crawling down the tree trunks, marching into his brain with their insidious message that even his best thought out plans were of no use.
A flash of white to his left had Sirius whirling around only to see bones with remnants of skin still clinging algae-like, the noose that had rotted from the tree still clinging in mossy fibers around separated vertebrae.
"Fuck!" Back in human form, because howling simply didn't do the sudden shock of finding a body justice, Sirius finally had to stop moving and turn away, retching. When he finished coughing up bile and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand he picked his head up warily, looking resolutely in the opposite direction of the very decidedly human remains only to see that all the arrows had changed and were now pointing in the same direction.
"Well," Sirius muttered, just for the sound of his own voice, for the sound of anything at all, "anything has to be better than staying here."
He didn't see the figure of a middle-aged man, also with a noose around his neck, standing beside the bones watching him leave with a lost expression on its face, but he did hear when it whispered "she has what you want" before fading away.
It only took a few minutes of following the arrows as they shifted around him before Sirius broke through into another open clearing where Remus was slumped at the base of a cypress tree, not moving.
He couldn't run fast enough through the snow, dropping down to his knees the second he was close enough, touching Remus' cheek. His chest was rising and falling slowly, but his fingertips were turning blue and his face was deathly cold where Sirius touched him. Panicking for a moment, Sirius had to take a deep breath and let it out on an eight count just to steady his hands enough to cast a slow warming charm. He didn't want to jolt Remus out of hypothermia too quickly. He wasn't sure enough of what the risks to that might have been.
"Rennervate," he gasped, choking down the urge to cast it a second time before he had given the first one a chance to settle. "Come on, Moony, wake up. Please wake up. You have to be okay."
"S'rius?"
The relief was so palpable that Sirius pulled Remus into a crushing hug, forgetting for a moment that they were in the middle of a forest that managed to separate them and was probably home to ghosts that weren't as friendly as he was used to.
"I'm here, come on, let's get you up so we can get out of here."
When they tried to stand Remus stumbled and Sirius had to catch him, ducking himself under Remus' shoulder to try and keep him upright.
"How did you find me?" Sirius didn't like the way Remus was slurring his words together still, but they didn't have time for him to check and make sure he wasn't concussed.
"I'm not sure how I lost you in the first place," was the best reply he could give. He didn't exactly know how to explain that the trees led him there, and that it was probably with malicious intent.
He tried to get Remus moving, but they barely made it to the edge of the clearing before the cackling giggle started, and the snow seemed to pick up so they couldn't see where they were going. Then, suddenly, there leaning against a nearby hemlock tree was the young woman they had encountered in the caves, only now the gash on the side of her face was peeling, flaps of skin hanging over her eye, and her hair was matted and full of leaves, her skin a sickly grey color where it showed through the blood.
"You two have been fun," she crooned, picking at the edge of a nail that had nearly fallen off. "I don't usually get to play this much before I kill the men I manage to entice into following me."
"Well, that was blunt," Sirius said, trying to draw her attention to himself as much as he could while Remus was still sort of slumped over his shoulder. "Remus," he muttered under his breath, hoping she couldn't hear him. "When I let go run. Don't look back, don't argue with me, just run. I'll be faster than her in dog form, so I need you to please go."
No answer, so Sirius had to hope that Remus was going to listen.
"I'm not ashamed of what I'm doing," she replied with a shrug that crunched unpleasantly, tipping her head in what must have been an attempt at coquettishness but was mostly just grotesque.
"I'm not sure I can run." Remus barely moved his mouth at all when he spoke, breathing the words into Sirius' ear under the guise of remaining slumped into him. Squeezing Remus gently around the waist, Sirius hoped that the implied you may not have a choice was clear. Remus squeezed back. It would have to do.
"How can you possibly think that killing people isn't something to be ashamed of?" Louder, attention grabbing. He loosened his grip on Remus.
"Not people. Men."
"Men aren't people?"
"Sirius, what are you doing?" Remus hissed in his ear, breath scalding in the freezing temperatures. He could really do to cast another warming charm when he got the chance. If he got the chance.
"A man did this to me!" She shrieked, flapping a hand towards the skin hanging off her face. "He promised to love me forever and then he pushed me into a ravine and left me there!"
"Well, she's nutters," Sirius muttered, not as quietly as he should have, just as he pushed Remus away from him, shifting down onto four paws at the same time and charging towards the rotting woman.
When he sank his teeth into her arm it was almost with a visceral start, he had sort of half expected to bite down on thin air. She tasted the way rotted meat smelled, and a chunk of her flesh fell off into his mouth. He gagged, but he had already emptied his stomach not that long ago, so he managed to hang on until the sound of crashing branches faded in the distance.
He still tried to hold on until a blow to the side of the head flung him aside, a bit of rotted flesh still stuck in his teeth. When he stood his vision was blurred for a moment, and he shook his head carefully, trying to clear it, trying not to whimper in case Remus was still in hearing distance.
"Well, that was fun," she giggled, shaking out her arm and grinning, a distorted slash of a thing carving its way through her face. "Don't worry. He can run for now. I'll find him when I'm finished with you."
Backing up, tail between his legs, Sirius' ears were ringing slightly. He just hoped Remus got far enough to Apparate.
"That was almost noble of you. You must love him very much, to be willing to die to give him a chance to escape. It's worthless, I'll kill your lover eventually as well, but it was a sweet thing to try. I'm almost inclined to let you run first, just for that."
The growl that was slipping, tripping, vibrating its way out of his chest and spilling past his bared teeth seemed to echo in the lack of nature noises.
"I said run!" This time when she went to land a second blow, aiming for his left ear, he managed to just dance out of the way before taking off as fast as his paws would let him into the thickest cluster of trees he could see.
The snow was grey. Skeletal tree branches grabbed for his fur, while he clutched his wand tightly between his teeth. His paws were cold, snow pellets rebuilding between his toes where they had melted when he had turned back to human shaped, caught in his fur, which was really too long for extended periods in the snow. Dark figures flitted in and out from between the trees, and once he was sure he heard giggling, but so far he was still running. He didn't dare stop long enough to try and Apparate, see if he was clear of the wards. There was a gash on his left flank.
Exhaustion was slowing him down, but he trudged on, a hissing wheeze in his breathing. His pawprints were being filled in by the still rapidly falling snow. He had no idea how long he had been running, unable to find his way out of the forest. It was full dark but he had no idea which end of the night he was closer to.
That was when the whispers started, when his paws began to drag and his vision started to blur.
"She has what you want."
It came from all sides, drifting in and out of the branches, tangled and tumbling and just as cold as the wind that cut through his fur.
A spike of adrenaline shot through him. What if Remus hadn't escaped? What if that was why she hadn't found him yet, because she went after Remus first?
And then the screaming began.
Turning in the direction he thought it was coming from, Sirius huffed once to himself and forced his legs to start moving again, picking up as much speed as he could manage.
"Sirius!" Remus sounded frantic, hoarse like he had been screaming for a long time, but not weak or injured. "Sirius, where are you?"
This time he was quite sure Remus' voice was coming from his left, not bouncing around off the trees, muffled by the snow.
He wheeled around and ran nearly smack into a pair of fetid legs. Reeling back, he shifted up into human form, dropping his wand from his teeth into his hand and taking up a defensive stance. He wasn't quite sure what sort of spells might work on a semi-corporeal, malicious spirit, but he was willing to give it a try. There didn't seem to be any other choice.
"Bad boy," she sneered, jaw popping obscenely loudly.
"Remus, she's still here, keep running!" He called, hoping that Remus would both hear him and listen.
The sound of tree branches scraping on a running figure made Sirius close his eyes for a moment, hopeful that Remus was still fleeing as well. That at least one of them might still escape this.
A sharp slicing pain across his jaw made him open his eyes again to find that she was casually running a fingernail down his face. He hadn't even heard her get closer.
"That was foolish of you. I think just for that I might keep you here and make you watch me kill him. Slowly."
There was a scream caught in the back of his throat. Not for himself, he was so far beyond exhausted that he was simply resigned to dying now, but for Remus who didn't even understand how important he was.
He braced himself, eyes closing in acceptance, but the pain never came. Instead, there was a shriek of pure rage and his eyes snapped right back open to see the young woman flying backwards, a strip of paper stuck to her forehead, a small group of witches and wizards surrounding her, muttering incantations that he couldn't understand while holding some sort of strange box. He was too cold and drained to care.
Seconds later he was on his arse in the snow, Remus clinging to him, patting him down ineffectually, and murmuring too low for Sirius to hear.
"I'm okay, Moony. Cold, and so tired I think I might actually be dead, but I'm okay."
"You're not," Remus hissed, grabbing his wand and sending healing charms at both Sirius' face and his hip, both of which were still bleeding, the blood congealing quickly in the cold. He was really going to enjoy a shower. After he had slept for a week.
"I've had worse from pranks gone wrong. I'm really fine, Remus."
In reply Remus kissed him. It wasn't prolonged or intimate, Remus seemed more terrified than when they had first been separated, but Sirius returned the kiss as best he could before Remus pulled away dropping his head onto Sirius' shoulder.
"I don't care if I am just a replacement for James, I can't handle the thought of you dying without knowing that I fancy the hell out of you."
Stealing another kiss, because it seemed that at least until Remus calmed down he could get away with it, Sirius sighed. "You have never been, nor will you ever be, a replacement for James. And I'll keep telling you that for as long as it takes for you to believe I fancy you back. Just you. Just for being you."
"I'm sorry to interrupt," one of the older wizards, a man with a neatly trimmed white beard and crinkles around his eyes, said softly in halting but understandable English. "But I wanted you to know that the yūrei has been contained. Please send my thanks to Dumbledore. We've been attempting to catch this particular yūrei for just over sixty years. When I asked for his assistance I didn't quite expect the two of you, but thank you both."
When Sirius glanced at Remus, pulling back slightly so he could see him without going cross-eyed, he found him wearing a slightly bitter, frustrated look that exactly matched how Sirius felt.
"Somehow, I suspect there may be an owl waiting for us when we get home," Sirius groused, still leaning into Remus, trying to soak up as much of his warmth as he could. His fingers were too stiff to properly cast a warming charm.
"We'll pass on your thanks," Remus said politely. "But for now I think we'd both just like to pick up our things and get the first portkey back to London."
"I will send someone for your bags, if you would like, and arrange the portkey myself."
"That would be wonderful," Sirius said, meaning every word of it.
The old man wandered back to the rest of the small group of what seemed to be some form of Aurors, barking orders in a tone not nearly as gentle as he had used with Sirius and Remus.
"It turns out that the Ministry in Japan has magical alarms set up to warn them when a particularly vicious yūrei appears. I had barely run a kilometer when they showed up asking where she was. The rest of the time was spent trying to track her down. And you."
"I told you I was faster than she was," Sirius said, flippant, relieved. "Are we going to talk about this?" He leaned hard into Remus, resting his cheek on Remus' shoulder for emphasis.
"I suppose we're going to have to," Remus sighed, but he didn't look as miserable at the prospect as he had earlier. "After we get home and see what Dumbledore has to say about this entire thing."
"Well, then," Sirius kissed Remus once more, smiling despite the last however many hours it had been. He still wasn't sure. "I know this was meant to be a hoIiday and all, but I'm really rather tired of Japan right about now. I suppose it's back to London and watching our backs for dark wizards every time we leave the flat." He knew it wasn't a promise, it was barely an acknowledgement, but it was better than what he had started out this trip with, and that was more than enough for Sirius. They would get there. He had every confidence in at least that much going right. Everything else they would have to wait and see.
"How about if you watch my back and I'll watch yours?" Remus asked, standing up and helping to haul Sirius to his feet as well.
"That sounds much better."
Author/Artist:
museinabsentiaRecipient:
cevennesRating: R-ish
Contents or warnings (highlight to view): *some gore, wartime thoughts*
Word count: Just a bit over 13,200
Summary: Japan's Aokigahara Forest, or Sea of Trees, is one of the top suicide destinations in the world. That doesn't always make for the friendliest of spirits.
Notes: (user name=cevennes> Happy Holidays Cevennes! I attempted to get all three of your requests in here, although I'm not sure how well I succeeded, this thing had a mind of its own. I hope it's at least close to what you wanted. Also, a huge thanks to
rj31 for the amazing beta work. Thank you, also, to all of Team Awww for all the cheerleading, encouragement and help. You guys are far more patient with me than I deserve, and this probably wouldn't have been finished without all of you!The snow was grey. Sirius was quite sure it should have been white, or possibly that faint blue everything turns when the moon is bright and the sky is clear, like the universe was blanketing everything in its own reflection. It took until he stopped to pick a snow burr out from between his paw pads that he even realized it was because he had four paws rather than two feet. He couldn't remember shifting. Or where he was.
Something or someone flitted in and out between unfamiliar trees, branches that seemed to reach and tangle in his fur like wooden hands, and the shadows smelled like static and earth, like hate and loss. He was growling before he even realized he had decided to, the vibrations rattling through his chest, grounding in the unfamiliar. He chased the closest shadow just before it flickered out of his line of sight, stuttering like a candle flame in a drafty hall.
Wind whispered almost words, rustling through the leafless, skeletal trees, voices guttural and low, unintelligible. Sirius felt like he was chasing his tail trying to catch sight of one of the apparitions through thick falling snow, his coat dusted white, his paws frostbitten, the terrain indefinitely unchanging.
He had no idea how far he had come, or which direction he had come from. When he glanced back, spine arching in tight a curl, tense and worried, there were no paw prints in the snow. The wind whipped by his ears, ruffling his fur and flapping his ears up over his head uncomfortably, and he could swear he heard it whisper, "We have what you want."
That's when the screaming started.
Sirius was woken up by shouting, and it took a moment to realize it had come from him. He was breathing hard and his sheets had gone from dust blue to midnight, soaked with sweat, comforters kicked to the end of the bed in a heap. Leg muscles were bunched, vibrating with the remnants of a growl that had followed him from the dregs of sleep, only contained behind human skin and vocal cords that would not release it. He couldn't remember the last time he woke up unafraid.
After a short debate with himself over the benefits of showering before stumbling out to the kitchen, and deciding that Remus had really seen him in worse states, he shuffled out of his bedroom, sleep pants dragging on the floor where they were a little too long, bare chested because he still felt like he couldn't breathe.
When he slumped into a kitchen chair Remus levitated a mug of coffee in front of him, already with just the right amount of milk, no sugar, and a heating charm. Remus didn't even look up from where he was reading the Daily Prophet, where the headline shrieked Muggle Family Killed in Shop Collapse: Magic Suspected.
It was a testament to the way of things that neither of them were even surprised at that. Well, Sirius assumed Remus wasn't surprised either. It was hard to tell, sometimes, what his friend was thinking.
He was fairly sure he had heard that Marlene McKinnon had been there, but he couldn't swear to it. There were rumors floating around like phantom owls, reaching only the ears they were meant to reach, about a rabble group of witches and wizards fighting against whatever was happening out in the real world outside their too large flat. Sirius was almost certain that he and Remus would be approached about joining any day now. James might already have been. No one was talking, and he was loath to ask. Wasn't sure which answer he would like less.
"You were shouting again," Remus said, soft, disinterested, like he knew that Sirius wouldn't appreciate him being concerned. There was enough to be concerned about without Sirius adding himself into the mix.
"I'll put up better silencing charms tonight." It was as close to an apology as he could manage these days.
Remus hummed in response, but didn't look up from the paper where he was carefully avoiding the front page. Probably looking at the classifieds again. Jobs were scarce in the magical world.
"An owl came for you." Remus slid a heavy parchment roll across the table, setting down the paper in favor of gripping his own coffee, too dark and too sweet for Sirius' taste, with both hands, the knuckles going slightly white. Sirius didn't ask. Probably should.
Instead he cracked the wax seal, the Potter family crest, with a frown. "Since when has James cared about formalities?"
Remus said nothing, just stared into his mug as if it held the answers the way that tea leaves never did, but that sometimes Sirius suspected his dreams might. He'd have to remember to look into that later. He had nothing better to do with his time, and it at least might shed some light on his recent string of nightmares.
"You are cordially invited to the wedding of – what is this bollocks?"
"There's a letter." Remus still hadn't let go of his coffee and he looked nearly as exhausted as Sirius felt, curled in on himself in a way that made Sirius want to unfurl him.
Sirius glanced down at the table to see what Remus was talking about. A small scrap of parchment had fallen out of the formal invitation he held in his hands, taunting him with its finality, its weight. He set it aside in favor of the cheap paper with torn edges and sloppy handwriting.
The silence that stretched around them while he read was almost smothering, it felt like falling snow and Sirius almost had to check that he was still awake. Sometimes he was quite certain that if he closed his eyes long enough and then opened them again he would actually wake up in bed none of this having been real; days where he was completely disassociated from everything outside his head. He wasn't sure if it was his family's bad genetics or just a coping mechanism from being subjected to his family's bad genetics. He wasn't sure if it mattered.
He read the letter. Then he read it a second time. Then he carefully set it down on the table next to his still mostly full coffee and stood up, using every ounce of willpower he had not to crumple it into the bin before he walked back to his bedroom and flung himself across his unmade bed.
Some time later Remus knocked on his open door, too respectful to come in. Sirius wished he would, just once. Just barge in and demand Sirius tell him what was wrong, because Sirius wasn't sure how to let it out any other way.
He grunted, and Remus took it for the acquiescence it was and came in, perching on the edge of Sirius' bed like he was afraid to settle. Probably his knees just hurt.
"So James finally got Lily to marry him," he started slowly, and his caution made Sirius hurt, because he knew it was his own barbs that made his friends hesitant with him. He didn't know how to trim his own thorns, and Remus was the most likely to risk them. James would call him a prat to his face, had even punched him a couple of times, but Remus would simply let Sirius get all his venom out, take the hurt and smooth Sirius out at his own expense. That wasn't to say that Remus never got angry with him, simply that he didn't often feel he deserved the right, and Sirius didn't know how to correct him without giving offense in a different way.
"It was bound to happen eventually," Sirius huffed, tucking his toes under his comforter like he was five again and he had just climbed into bed with Regulus after a nightmare. Regulus never seemed to have them. He had bitten his left thumbnail to bleeding and he wiped it off on his sleep pants. It would charm out later. "He's a charming bastard when he wants to be, and Lily was already easily susceptible to it."
Remus was watching him like he wanted to say more but was holding back, his words swallowed by the crease between his eyebrows, lost in the tight corners of his mouth.
"Are you okay, Sirius?"
"Do you know anything about interpreting dreams?" Sirius asked by way of reply. He was fairly certain that wasn't what Remus was asking about, but it was as good a redirect as he could manage. Remus might even let it slip by.
There was no response for a moment while Remus stared towards the hallway. Sometimes Sirius wasn't sure why Remus was living with him, if it was only out of pity. When he had bought the flat it was as a surprise graduation gift for them all. Four bedrooms, large sitting space, kitchen enough for them all. But James had declined, saying he needed to find a respectable job and a family flat if he ever wanted to convince Lily to marry him. And Peter had moved back home when his mother started to worry herself sick. Now it was just him and Remus and the flat echoed with all the sounds that were absent without their friends.
"Do you want to tell me about it?" Remus asked, not looking at him, giving him a way out. It wasn't a yes or a no, but Sirius didn't point that out. They seemed to be better at talking around each other these days.
He shrugged, picking at a thread on his comforter rather than look at Remus. "Nothing special, just a lot of trees that I'm lost in, snow, some malevolent ghost type apparitions." He couldn't say that he heard Remus screaming. That felt like too much to admit to.
Remus was still, dropping back to lean on his elbows, fingers scant centimeters away from where Sirius was fidgeting and Sirius felt the need to still, chastened by nothing more than the placement of Remus' hands. "Well," he started slowly, staring at where their hands were almost touching, eyes pinched slightly in the corners, "Snow usually means either feelings you aren't talking about, or that you're feeling neglected. Being lost in the woods means you're anxious about change. Ghosts mean that something as unattainable, or that you're feeling disconnected. So, I'd say that it all adds up to you being bored and lonely and needing to get out and entertain yourself some more. Or possibly go visit James for a while."
Sirius was quite certain that his nightmares had nothing to do with James, but he was just as certain that Remus thought he was upset about James and Lily getting married, and was probably projecting that all over his interpretations. And he wasn't entirely wrong, Sirius was upset, but not for the reasons anyone might suspect. He didn't begrudge James his time with Lily, and he certainly didn't feel like he was being replaced. It was simply that he felt like they were rushing it. That the social climate these days was pushing people into making all sorts of rash decisions because they didn't feel they had time to spare anymore. But he didn't know how to say any of that.
"Still the swot, Moony?" He asked, instead, trying to make light of the discomfiture that had followed him into the waking world.
A snort escaped Remus before he remembered himself and schooled his face solemn again. "I find interpreting dreams about as useful as upending my morning tea onto a towel and pretending it's telling me that a big black dog is going to leave fur all over my good trousers again, even though I hung them up out of reach."
The mood was broken, and Sirius let out an indignant laugh he didn't feel. "That was one time, Remus, and I apologized for that."
Remus seemed to latch onto the change of subject, and Sirius let him, encouraged it by flopping back on his bed as melodramatically as he could manage, feigning hurt to see if he could make Remus laugh. It worked, and Sirius peeked up from under the arm he had flung across his eyes for effect. The look on Remus' face as he shook his head looked to Sirius like he was fond of the antics, so he took that as a good sign and rolled onto his side, his face nearly pressed into Remus' thigh. "I couldn't help myself, they smelled good." It was far more of a truth than the casual joking he was going for, but Remus didn't need to know that.
"Sometimes I worry about your mental state, Sirius."
"Don't worry, Moony. Me too." Remus seemed disinclined to move, so Sirius grabbed his pillow, hugging it to give himself a reasonable reason for putting some space between them. "Let's do something completely impulsive."
Amusement faded to caution tinged with worry, but Sirius ignored it, grinning in what he hoped was a completely winning manner and not simply a slightly unhinged one. Sometimes it was hard to tell the difference.
"Like what?" There was trepidation in Remus' voice, and Sirius wanted to take it away, wanted all the worry to fade, even for a short period of time.
"Let's get out of here for a while. I mean, out of England, away from Muggle killings, and secret societies no one is meant to know about. Away from rush weddings and friends that can't be bothered to come out to the pub anymore. Away from insane families and feeling like you need to check over your shoulder before going to the bloody fucking loo. No planning, no worries, let's just take a break."
Remus looked like he wanted to immediately shut the idea down, but then he locked eyes with Sirius for a moment and his face softened. "Yeah, okay. It's not as if I have a job to be getting to, anyway."
The shock of it made Sirius catch his breath, blinking a couple of times to make sure this was reality. "Really?"
Patting the pillow that Sirius was hugging Remus smiled. It was still a touch tight around the edges, but it looked genuine enough. "Really."
"Where do you want to go, Moony?"
Remus shook his head, still smiling. "I'll leave the details up to you."
"Well, then, pack a bag. I'll have us out of here before tonight."
*****
The portkey Sirius had arranged for through Enchanting Excursions, the magical travel agency he had spotted an ad for in the Daily Prophet, appeared to be nothing more than an old postcard.
"Sort of fitting, really," Remus muttered, turning it over in his hand, a small travel bag slung over his shoulder. It was the one that James had given him for Christmas two years back which was charmed to hold nearly a month's worth of supplies. Sirius had a matching one strapped to his own back.
True to his word, he hadn't asked Sirius anything more about where they were going than what sort of clothes he ought to pack, trying to discern their location by asking if he should pack a parka or Hawiian shirt. It wasn't subtle, but it made Sirius smile. Of course, in the true spirit of adventure, Sirius didn't answer him, figuring they could transfigure anything they needed.
"How long now?" He asked. The watch the Potters had given him for his coming of age was the only thing of value he owned, and he didn't want to risk it on an unknown adventure. Remus, on the other hand, had a beat-up Muggle wrist watch that he rarely removed, so old the leather band was fraying away. A replacement might not be the worst idea for a Christmas gift. It was only weeks away now and Sirius still had no ideas. Of course, this holiday could be a gift for both of them, but he didn't want to seem self-involved, using his trip as a gift for Remus simply because he had paid.
"Less than two minutes."
"Well, then budge over a bit so we can both touch the bloody thing."
Remus shifted his pack to his other shoulder so that Sirius could slip up alongside him, their shoulders just brushing, and get a couple of fingers on the post card. Of course, then they were simply standing there, not quite pressed against each other, waiting while nothing happened for almost a solid minute. If it had been anyone besides Remus, Sirius would have said it was awkward, but they had known each other for nearing on eight years, and things like standing quietly together waiting was no longer uncomfortable, even if they had to fit into the size of a post card.
Then the world was suddenly spinning, compressing, tilting sideways and inside out, and they were popping out the other side in front of a small cabin, knee deep in snow. In the not so far off distance a snow-covered mountain loomed.
They had barely stumbled away from the portkey and Sirius could already feel tension slowly dripping out of him, running off into the woods that sprawled beneath the mountain, a strange mix of evergreen and deciduous that had gone bare for the winter, half green, half grey-brown-white bark that cast strange shadows from the distance.
"Japan?" Remus breathed, closer to his ear that Sirius had realized.
"I knew you'd recognize it." Sirius grinned and gave the password the travel agency had given him to let them into the rented cabin.
"Mount Fuji is fairly recognizable," was the only reply Remus gave, but the touch of awe in his voice was enough for Sirius to already think that this trip was worthwhile. "Just promise me I can attend one tea ceremony while we're here."
"Anything you want, Moony," Sirius grinned, pushing open the door.
The inside of the cabin was small, but well kept. It was no more than a single room with two small beds and a Muggle stove, but everything was clean and tidy and looked new.
While Remus inspected the room and settled his travel bag on the end of one of the beds, Sirius flung himself across the other, dropping his arm across his eyes and breathing in air that didn't taste of the city and fear.
"The travel agency has given me a list of safe Apparition points in Tokyo, Kyoto and Osaka. I thought maybe we'd go for dinner in Tokyo tonight and take a look around."
Rather than insist on working out details and a plan of action, Remus just smiled and sank down onto the second bed. "What were you thinking for dinner? Because I didn't pack with the intention of needing to get dressed up."
An image of Remus dressed in a Muggle suit flashed through Sirius' mind, causing him to pull up short. He had never really thought of Remus as attractive before, but suddenly he very viscerally wanted to see that. Shaking his head to clear it, telling himself that this was no time for epiphanies when they were confined to a small room for a week, Sirius grinned, hoping it looked as carefree as he had felt a moment ago.
"This is not a getting dressed up holiday, Moony. No worries. I was thinking we could Apparate in and pick the first sushi place that looked good. When else could we possibly have the real thing?"
Remus' smile said that Sirius had made the correct choice, and Sirius settled a little. He liked making Remus smile. It didn't happen often enough.
"We could even leave now, spend some time wandering around Tokyo."
"I thought the point was to get away from the city for a while."
Sirius shrugged, feeling some of the stress that he had been trying to flee settle into his bones, frozen there, unshakable even now. He closed his eyes against it. "Sort of."
The bed sank at Sirius' side, and a hand settled on his shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it, Sirius?"
He shook his head. "I just thought we could use a break from all the Muggle attacks and dark magic and fear for a little while."
"And the timing has nothing at all to do with James getting married?" Remus sounded soft, cautious, almost like he was afraid that he might set Sirius off with his question. Sirius sighed and settled his hand over Remus' on his shoulder.
"Of course it does. He's rushing into getting married out of fear that they won't have the time to do it in the future. I don't doubt for a second that he loves her, but they've been dating for months. And barely that."
The hand on his shoulder squeezed briefly, then pulled away, molasses slow, like Remus didn't want to let go, but knew he should.
"That's the only reason? Not because..." He trailed off, voice going fuzzy, slipping away down a lost thought that never came out. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence with Remus. He didn't always seem to know when the words came out of his mouth and when he simply thought them really loudly and no one else could hear them.
Sometimes Sirius let it go, but this seemed to be bothering Remus, so he decided to try and follow the line of questioning and the tone of his voice, letting it unfurl into a path he could track to the end. And then he burst out laughing. A little hysterical and a lot incredulous, tinged with just a bit of bitter.
"You think I'm jealous." It wasn't a question.
"It's not a completely irrational conclusion, Sirius." Remus still sounded hazy, unfinished, filtered through the strained laughter that Sirius couldn't seem to quell.
"He's made plenty of time for us even now that he has Evans, I doubt that will change if they get married."
Remus frowned, a flat dip of his mouth, a furrow between his brows, a rebuke without words. "That's not what I meant."
"I know," Sirius sighed, shaking his head and tamping down the last trickle of hysteria that wanted to burble up and make him do something incredibly foolish. "But I can't even fathom the other idea."
"So, you're not at least a little bit in love with James, then?" There was skepticism trickling through the words, hesitant, but solid enough that Sirius could almost taste it filling the air between them.
"Not in any way other than as a replacement for my mad lot of a family."
Emotions flickered across Remus' face faster than Sirius could process them, but he settled on disbelieving colored with hurt, and Sirius simply didn't have the energy to deal with that.
"Come on, let's go explore Tokyo," he snapped, flinging himself from the bed, agitated, stretched thin between what looked to be the beginnings of a full-on war back home, the stupidity of his best friend, the obliviousness of another, and the expectation that he be the one to bridge them all.
"Sirius..." Remus trailed off, lightly touching his arm, soothing in the wrong way. Sirius shook his head, latching on to Remus' arm, probably too tight.
"Just let it go." He probably sounded angry, but there was nothing for it. He was. But even more so he was exhausted. This was meant to be a break from it all, not a way to dredge it all up. Rather than give Remus a chance to not listen to him, he used the arm he was holding to pull them together, Apparating them to the safe point he had memorized with plans for dinner rather than escape.
Once they had decompressed Sirius took off almost immediately, Remus trailing behind as they stepped out into Muggle Tokyo. It was already dark outside, and the city smelled like street food, petrol and thousands of people; the streets packed with people who were rushing back and forth, crammed tightly together and Sirius immediately felt like he'd been swallowed by a swarm of bees. The press of people was almost overwhelming, and without a single one of them speaking English it was suddenly like he had tumbled into one of the portraits back at Hogwarts, everything recognizably familiar, and still just foreign enough that he felt lost, caught in a surreal parody of what he knew.
He didn't realize he was hyperventilating until Remus caught up and wrapped an arm around his waist, squeezing hard.
"Breathe with me, Padfoot," he murmured, leaning into Sirius' ear so that his words hissed a breeze against Sirius' cheek. "Come on, time your breathing with mine."
Sirius felt Remus breathing against his ribs, and tried to make his own match, closing his eyes against the strange looks they were getting from people on the street. It only took a count of eight, in one out one, in two out two, before Sirius got his breathing slowed, and his hands were only shaking a little.
"Thanks, Moony. I'm sorry. I'm not quite sure what happened."
"You are usually better in a crowd than that," Remus allowed, frowning, but at least this was a worried frown rather than a disappointed one, and that Sirius could deal with.
He shrugged, knowing Remus would feel it rather than see it, still pressed against his side, warm, familiar, and comforting. An anchor in the bog that the magical world had become. "It wasn't the crowd."
Remus slowly disentangled them now that Sirius was breathing again, but he didn't say anything, leaving Sirius with the mixed desire to both keep babbling and to find someplace to hide. It was a strange ability that Remus possessed, to compel both the desire to behave and to repent even when having done nothing wrong.
Dragging Remus with him, Sirius slipped into the doorway of a closed shop that appeared to be selling tourist trinkets and the Muggle version of what looked like charmed slips of paper, hanging on ribbons in the window. He wasn't sure how these things were meant to work, but it could possibly be a magical shop in a culture he didn't understand masquerading as a Muggle shop. He wasn't sure it mattered, but it was a distraction that let him focus on something other than the street full of people.
Once the crowds of people were rushing past and he had a wall at his back Sirius finally slumped a little. "I wanted to get out of London for a while so we could stop feeling like we needed to watch our backs all the time, and suddenly everyone was talking around me and I couldn't understand any of it and I realized that even if I did need to watch my back I wouldn't know it. It's not like just because the war hasn't spread to Asia there couldn't still be dark wizards or witches, or even just angry Muggles who don't like travelers." It was the first time he had used the word war out loud, and something about it seemed to fill the air between them, stifling, nearly suffocating.
Brow knit, Remus didn't answer him, but rather glanced around, mouth a tight slash in his face, before letting his wand drop into his hands and flicking it furtively with a muttered Transferenium and suddenly Sirius felt his ears heat up in a way decidedly unlike blushing.
"What did you do?" Sirius hissed while Remus tucked his wand back up his sleeve, eyes still tight just around the corners.
"Translation spell. Now you'll be able to understand any language spoken within a ten-meter distance of you, and anyone you speak with will hear you speaking in their language. It's a little risky, because you might suddenly appear to know how to speak twelve different languages, but it ought to help for now."
Flinging his arms around Remus, Sirius tucked his face into Remus' neck for a moment and just breathed him in. "Thank you!" He hissed fervently, refusing to admit to himself that he was clinging just slightly. He missed their school days, when things were simple and fear wasn't the prevailing emotion. When clinging to your friends was still an acceptable thing to do, even though they all needed it far less than they did now that they had to pretend to be adults and not just scared boys playing at being more.
"Maybe we should get our sushi to go and try this again later in the week."
Nodding, Sirius pried himself off of Remus with a grimace, but didn't apologize for fear of making things even more awkward than they already were.
A quick trip was made into a small storefront, barely large enough for four or five patrons at a time, but which looked cleaner than the others in the area and was well lit and had the added bonus of a menu that was written in both kanji and English, clearly designed for tourists. Sirius had never been more grateful that he had thought to have Gringotts change some of his Galleons to Japanese Muggle money, because he couldn't figure out how to convert Wizarding money to Muggle money, let alone how to convert English Muggle money to Japanese Muggle money. His head was spinning just thinking about it as he handed over what sounded like an absurd amount of the little paper notes for an obscene amount of sushi, and something Remus ordered called onigiri which appeared to be some sort of rice ball that Sirius was resigned to trying before the night was over.
They each had a bag in one hand and Sirius had a hand on the door when the old man sitting to the side of the counter with his own food in front of him, head bowed, white hair in front of his eyes, spoke in halting English as grizzled as his face. "Do not go to Sea of Trees. Death wait there."
Remus glanced at Sirius, catching his eye startled, before turning, ever polite, his face schooled blank, covering his curiosity. "Excuse me?"
The old man wasn't there.
Trying to ignore the chill that ran down his spine, Sirius shoved his way out the door and onto the street, just wanting to breathe, Remus following close behind.
"What was that?" Remus asked, quiet, voice nearly swallowed by the sounds of the city.
"I have no bloody clue."
They hustled back to the Apparition point and, clutching their food to them, Apparated back to the small cabin.
Remus dug through the cabinets that lined one wall near the fireplace until he found a small kettle that would withstand a couple of vigorous warming charms and set about making them tea while Sirius found some plates and put out their food along with a bottle of saké he had picked up. The small table seemed to be set for Western visitors, because it was a full height and set with chairs rather than the mats that Sirius had expected. He was more grateful than he wanted to let on that Remus wouldn't be forced to make his knees suffer through kneeling when they were alone.
Food disappeared quickly and saké quicker as they sat in a comfortable silence, Sirius calming down from his earlier panic and feeling a little silly about the whole thing. He had been the one who had wanted to travel, and then he suddenly couldn't handle it. Having Remus with him, calm, collected, cool under pressure Remus, had been the only thing that kept him from fleeing and heading back to London immediately. And now that they were back in the rented cabin he was rather embarrassed, and well on his way to slightly tipsy.
"So, what plans do you have for tomorrow?" Remus asked around a mouthful of eel and rice, a drop of soy sauce clinging to his lip.
Sirius took a bite of salmon sashimi to give himself a moment, swallowing hard when Remus licked his lip clean. The saké was clearly going to his head, because the cabin was suddenly far too warm and stifling. He picked up his masu, drained it and stood up, stumbling his way outside to a concerned murmur from Remus that he couldn't understand through the buzzing in his ears.
Snow whipped at his face, the cold biting against his overheated face, freezing down into his lungs. He was fairly certain that the alcohol had both nothing and everything to do with his incredibly sudden epiphany that he wanted to lick Remus' lip for him. There was no sudden burst of incredulousness or discomfort or any amount of denial, and he was just drunk enough that he wouldn't have been able to lie to himself even if he wanted to. It was mostly a slowly thickening sense of dread that he had been repressing this for a long time and now that he had acknowledged it to himself there was no way to put this particular genie back in its saké bottle.
The door didn't close behind him, which meant that Remus had followed him out into the snow. He wanted to yell at him for coming out into the cold with no warming charms and only a little more than a week until the full moon; he wanted to hug him close, to keep him warm, to keep him safe. He opted for pretending he hadn't run out in a panic and pretending that nothing had changed.
A shadow seemed to peek out from behind cypress tree before scurrying off to disappear behind a leafless Mongolian oak. Something shrieked in the distance. Sirius jumped and whirled in the direction of the sound.
"It's probably just a Tanuki. They roam wild around here," Remus said softly, crowding in close to Sirius and blanketing them both in a heavy warming charm.
"Where Muggles can see them?" Sirius wasn't sure if this was a change of subject or a temporary reprieve but he was going to take it either way.
"Yeah, but they think they're normal racoon dogs. They've influenced a strain of myths about shapeshifters, but the local Ministry branch makes sure it stays to that."
"Trust you to know that, Moony." Sirius leaned into Remus' shoulder under the pretense of a friendly nudge, and staying there under the less fictitious excuse of being a little wobbly from having finished nearly a bottle of saké himself.
"Do you want to talk about what you're running away from, Sirius?"
"I'm not running away from anything!" Sirius did his best to sound indignant, but feared he probably came across as more petulant.
Hurt tempered by exhaustion flickered across Remus' face, and Sirius was suddenly just as exhausted as Remus looked.
The shrieking came again, much closer this time, so close Sirius felt like he could nearly see the sound as it bounced around his skull, breaking through the fog that had had him running out into the snow in just a thin jumper, his wand still on the table inside.
This time Remus jumped as well, turning towards Sirius, glancing over his shoulder, even though the sound had come from the other direction. "That was much closer this time," he whispered, eyes slightly wide.
They were centimeters apart. "It came from that way," Sirius breathed.
"What?"
"Behind you." Sirius barely hissed any sound out at all before he closed the distance, unable to keep from kissing Remus any longer.
For a brief, glorious moment Remus leaned closer, gasping into Sirius' mouth before roughly shoving him away, wrenching away like the air was as thick as Sirius' tongue in his mouth, the stretch pull between them snapping sharp.
Before either of them could say anything, though, the shrieking came again, this time from multiple directions and another shapeless shadow ran from the middle of nowhere, appearing just meters away from them and disappearing into the trees.
"Maybe," Remus said softly, voice slightly shaky to match his hands where they still clung onto Sirius' jumper, "we should go inside, put up a few good warding charms, and then we should talk."
Sirius, who really didn't want to talk about being rejected, but did want to be inside suddenly, nodded as they crept their way back inside, keeping a wary eye on the tree line.
Barely through the door, Remus closed and latched it quickly, casting a few solid warding charms and one rather strong shield charm before leaning against the wall, breathing fast and glancing around like he wasn't sure they hadn't sealed some indiscernible force in with them. Time was a tepid thing, crawling and rushing simultaneously while they looked at anything but each other, not sure where to start.
Finally, Sirius couldn't take the immobility any longer. "Just a Tanuki?" he asked, sinking down onto one of the two beds.
"Better safe than sorry," Remus shrugged, heaving himself off the wall and into the room. He was frowning and staring at Sirius like he didn't really know him, and Sirius didn't really want to relive his brief humiliation.
"Look, can we just pretend that none of that happened and go about our holiday, please?"
"You kissed me," Remus said by way of reply.
"Clearly not." Sirius ran a hand through his hair, tugging at a tangle briefly, and tucked his knees up, bare feet leaving wet stains on the blankets. He stared at them, forgetting for a moment that he had run outside into the snow barefoot.
Remus sighed, heavy, pulling it from someplace between mildly frightened and deeply confused and spilling it out into the space between them, a tangible bubble separating them far more effectively than the few meters the cabin allowed for. "You're drunk," he said, finally, a little worried and a lot placating. "We'll do the heavy talking in the morning. The wards should hold. Get some sleep, Sirius."
"You do know I didn't kiss you because I'm drunk, right?" That seemed a very important distinction, and Sirius was suddenly afraid that Remus had the totally wrong end of things.
HIs words seemed to have the opposite effect he was looking for, however. Scrubbing a hand across his face, Remus turned and stripped off his trousers, giving Sirius a look at his long legs, which given how much he still wanted to snog Remus should have been more enticing than it was. It wasn't as if he had never seen Remus naked before, and it wasn't any different now, and he felt like maybe it should have been. The only difference now was a light sheen of guilt for watching that colored the entire moment.
There was no answer while Remus pulled on pyjama bottoms and discarded his shirt, shoulders curled down in a bowstring of tension, curling his spine taught with the draw of it.
"I kissed you because you're beautiful," Sirius whispered, leveraging himself up off the bed, and turning his own back to change, and in large part to avoid having to see Remus' reaction. "And that doesn't change when I'm not drunk."
The bed across the room creaked with what must have been Remus settling in, but Sirius refused to look, changing quickly, and charming his sheets dry from his feet before huddling in on himself, and tucking himself under the pile of blankets provided.
"Get some sleep."
With a sigh Sirius resigned himself to tossing until morning.
The snow was still grey. Sirius dragged his tail through it, trying to leave himself some sort of path to follow back, to keep from getting lost in this monochrome shadow plane, but it didn't seem to help. It left just as nonexistent a mark as his paws and it was making him colder. He didn't think he should be cold in a dream.
There was something he was supposed to be looking for, but he couldn't remember what that something was. A familiar shriek echoed off to his left, followed by a high cackling laugh.
Shadows seemed to follow him between the trees, peeking out to watch his progress, malevolently curious.
"We have what you want," one of them hissed in his left ear, nearly on top of him, but when he spun around there was nothing there.
"We have what you want." This time by his right flank.
"We have what you want." Behind him.
"We have what you want. We have what you want. We have what you want. We have what you want." The screaming started again.
Sirius started to run faster, trying to pick out the direction the screaming was coming from, but it sounded like it was coming from everywhere. He stumbled over a dead log half buried in the snow and came down awkwardly, slicing his paw on a hidden rock. Blood dripped black into the snow, swallowed into the grey and vanishing entirely.
Limping towards where he thought the screaming was coming from, Sirius was slowing down, paws harder to lift over the crest of the snow he was running through, dragging, one paw throbbing. Then the piercing shriek cracked through the air, covering up the screaming for a staccato moment, bursting through the static in his head.
"Sirius. Sirius."
Sirius jerked awake, flinging himself upright and nearly colliding with Remus who was perched on the edge of his mattress.
"I'm sorry, did I wake you up?"
Remus wrapped an arm around his shoulders and Sirius slumped into him, strings dropped, no longer holding him taut, but not cut, waiting to tangle him back up again as soon as he was released.
"You were shouting again."
"I'll put up silencing charms," Sirius mumbled, already dozing against Remus' shoulder, familiar security settling in around him, warm and smelling like tea and the remnants of sushi and saké.
"Do you want to talk about it?" The bed sagged as Remus squeezed in beside him, easing him back to laying down and curling up behind him, an arm slung around his waist, knees parenthetical.
Sirius just shook his head and slurred, "Nothing new," before lacing their fingers together and immediately falling back to sleep.
*****
The first thing Sirius noticed when he woke up was that he was alone in his bed. In fact, he wasn't sure he had ever not been. Perhaps that, too, had been a strange dream, his due for surviving the first one. The second thing that he noticed was that his hand hurt.
Slowly, sticky slow, he pulled back the blanket and looked down at his left hand. There was a four-centimeter-long gash still oozing thick blood sluggishly, like it couldn't decide if it wanted to stop or not.
"Remus?" He didn't like the way his voice was shaking, sleep slurred and adrenaline tumbled.
Remus, who was sitting back on the second bed, blankets nested up around his knees, a cup of matcha in his hand and a guide to magical Japan in the other, gently set the book down on the bed and took a long pull on the tea before turning to Sirius.
Something must have shown on his face, because the tea was set down on the floor rapidly, and Remus was across the small room in a matter of steps, settling down on the edge of the bed like he hadn't spent the night sleeping in it. He didn't ask what was wrong, just waited for Sirius to talk to him, which was both kind and significantly harder.
Sirius settled for simply holding his hand out and letting Remus see the jagged wound in his hand, livid red and puffy beneath the blood that was just starting to crust around the edges.
"Please tell me I injured myself while drunk last night and don't remember it?"
Shaking his head, Remus reached out gently and took Sirius' hand in his, leaning down to look more closely. "You weren't any more idiotic than usual, and certainly didn't do anything that would have caused this."
Wincing, Sirius tugged his hand back, reaching for his wand. Thankfully he had gotten pretty good at basic healing charms, an accumulation of trial and error on mornings after full moons. The cleaning charm hurt the most, the burn reminiscent of a shot of firewhiskey crawling under his skin. The actual healing charm mostly itched.
"Maybe you did it while you were thrashing around last night?"
Sirius closed his eyes for a moment. At least Remus wasn't going to play it off as if it hadn't happened. "I dreamed that I sliced my paw open."
He watched Remus swallow hard, tracing the line of it down his throat while Remus was still staring fixedly at the thin white line that was all that was left of his now healed injury. "So, you rolled into something in your sleep, cut your hand and your dream translated the pain."
Remus sounded so decisive and Sirius desperately wanted to believe him, to accept that explanation as plausible, rather than that he had been having the same nightmare for weeks and that last night he finally recognized the mountain in the distance because he could see it from just outside their rented cabin.
He didn't say anything, just summoned a tee-shirt and denims from his pack. Remus took it for a dismissal, even though Sirius wasn't really sure he wanted him to go very far, and slunk back to his own bed, picking back up his tea and the guide book he had been leafing through before Sirius distracted him. Sirius gave it to him and slipped out of the bed to get dressed.
"Narusawa Ice Cave is supposed to be spectacular, and according to the guide book is just a short hike into the woods, if you're interested," Remus said, casual, changing the subject and leaving Sirius falling behind and tangled in the remnants of his dream and much less tangible memory of being curled up together like it meant something.
Smiling as best he could and fisting his still slightly aching hand into his pocket so he couldn't keep looking at it, Sirius summoned his boots and grabbed a piece of the toast that Remus had apparently made earlier and left on the small table for him. He wasn't sure he liked that he had slept through that, but he just chewed on a bite, tipping his head in thanks and privately wondering where Remus got the bread. "If that's what you want to do today, then I'm okay with that." It was as close to I will do anything you want right now if you'll just at least entertain the idea that last night wasn't a mistake as he could manage to get out. Even he wasn't sure if he meant the dream, the injury or the kiss. He wasn't sure it mattered. Probably all three, if he was being honest with himself, which he tried not to do too often these days. That way led to overthinking the political state of the wizarding world, and on a more personal level, his friends, and he wasn't going to face any of that any sooner than he had to.
Remus just smiled and grabbed his own trainers, charmed waterproof for the winter weather, and slipped his feet in. Jackets were grabbed and warming charms applied while Remus chatted about the formation of the ice cave, the magical history behind it, and the mythology. Sirius mostly tuned him out, he didn't really care about the information, but he did care about hearing Remus talk, letting his voice lull him into the first real calm he had had in months.
The door swung open under Remus' hand and Sirius nearly ran into him when he came to an abrupt halt one foot outside the door, one still in. Following his line of sight, Sirius saw the claw marks on their door, much too high up to be from a Tanuki.
"Well, now I'm rather glad that you insisted on those warding charms last night," Sirius said softly, dropping a hand on Remus' shoulder. "Are you sure you want to go off hiking in the woods?"
With a little shake of his head, Remus tore his eyes off the deep gauging in the door. "According to the guide book it's perfectly safe as long as we're back before dark."
There was blood in one of the scratches, and Sirius had to force himself to look away and catch Remus' eye as Remus closed the door firmly and turned away from it. "Then lead on. I don't have the first bloody clue where we're going."
Snow crunched underfoot as they trekked through the trees, Remus pointing out a flock of Cackling Cranes and even a set of Kitsune tracks, although he never spotted the Kitsune. The walk was pleasant enough, and they only had to reapply the warming charms once before they reached the entrance to the caves. It was a Muggle tourist spot, with a full canteen style building for ticket sales and information.
They bypassed the Muggle entrance since the caves were closed for the winter. There was a smaller wizarding hut off into the trees, concealed by what seemed to be both a Muggle repelling charm and a glamor so that it appeared to be nothing more than a hollowed-out tree stump.
When they got close it turned out that the wizarding entrance was closed as well, but there was a sign up, blank with swirling lines and curlicues. It made Sirius a little dizzy to watch, but Remus just stepped close and murmured "English" to the sign, which settled into English writing.
"And this is why I bring you with me, Moony. You do your homework."
The grin Remus turned on him was sharp and bright. "It's good to know you only like me for my study skills."
Sirius could feel his smile tighten at the corners, and it must have shown, because Remus' smile dimmed a little. "I need someone to copy from." It came out flat, and Sirius turned toward the cave mouth so he didn't have to see the excitement die on Remus' face. "Come on, let's go explore. You can tell me all about how the caves were used for storing potions ingredients a thousand years ago or whatnot."
"Actually, you're not wrong," Remus said gently, catching up to Sirius who had started to wind his way into the cave, trying not to slip. He failed, landing hard on his arse with a yelp.
"Are you okay?" The hand Remus dropped onto his shoulder was warm, despite the temperature in the cave purported to be hovering between zero and three degrees Celsius.
"Yeah, just bruised and embarrassed. Nothing new there."
The cave he had managed to slide into was entirely coated in a thick sheet of ice. In some places the rock beneath was visible, but most were a milky white opaque that refracted the bit of light that filtered through in strange directions, making the entire place seem to shimmer despite how dim it was.
Hoisting himself up, Sirius wandered over to one of the walls which had icicles dripping down overhead, and rivulets of frozen water in solid streams, visible from each other as they froze in different tracks.
After a few minutes of going cross-eyed trying to trace the cords of ice Remus slid up beside him and leaned into his shoulder. "There's a second cave if we keep walking."
Half asleep and slightly mesmerized by the way the ice had run down the walls of the cave like it was free flowing water rather than petrified, Sirius just gave a slow smile, blinking heavily, and breathed, "I'll follow anywhere you want to go."
Remus froze, then shook his head. "You have to stop, Sirius."
Unable to reel himself in in time, Sirius finally snapped. "You kissed me back, Remus. And you don't have the excuse of claiming you were drunk. I'll back off if that's what you want, on one condition."
The warmth left his side as Remus stepped away, eyes trained on the cave wall as if he were afraid to look at Sirius, who was sorely regretting getting agitated, but really rather wished Remus didn't keep himself so well closed off.
Time was a sticky thing, clinging to the walls of the cave, to Sirius' breathing, sharp and jagged, clinging to Remus' unforthcoming answer so that he couldn't tell how long they had been in the cave, how long he had been waiting for Remus to answer, how long the ice had been seeping into his bones.
Nothing. No answer.
"Just tell me why," Sirius sighed, soft, lost, as he turned away and followed the narrow corridor into the second cave. It was a tight enough squeeze that they had to walk one in front of the other, shoulders nearly brushing both sides.
Remus didn't have a chance to answer, however, because there in the middle of the tight fit of a tunnel, slumped on the floor in a heap was a young woman. She appeared to be bleeding from the head, and Sirius pushed his way through the tunnel to her as quickly as he could and crouched down at her side, Remus still stuck behind him with no space to fit through.
"Miss? Are you alright?"
"Please speak English, your accent is terrible," the woman mumbled in response, picking her head up and quirking a bit of a smile around the tightness at the corners of her eyes. Her gaze was slightly glassy, but she sounded coherent and her breathing seemed even. Sirius let out a silent sigh of relief and forced a chuckle at her jibe. He had no idea what his accent sounded like with Remus' charm, so he didn't comment, just cast a silent finite incantatem and hoped that would be enough to switch him back to English.
"What happened?" He asked, cocking his head so he could get a good look at the wound. It was a sharp gash near her hairline, but it didn't appear to still be bleeding.
"I slipped," she replied softly, tipping her head to give him a better look. "My friend is going for help, but I don't know where he is or how long he's been gone. I'm starting to get dizzy."
Sirius was just reaching to brush her hair back, get a solid look when Remus spoke from behind him.
"Sirius, please back up and come here." His voice was tight, drawn out between a low growl and a pinched hiss. Sirius responded to that tone before the words even processed.
"What's wrong, Remus?"
"Please just come here."
As Remus was barely a solid meter behind him, Sirius frowned, but he unfurled from his place on the icy ground and turned around as best he could in the tight tunnel.
Remus was pale, eyes wide, jaw tight. "We need to leave, right now."
"We can't just leave her here."
"Sirius," Remus grabbed his arm, and stared over his shoulder to where to strange young woman was still huddled. "I didn't cast the translation charm today. You were always speaking English."
Spinning his head around Sirius just managed to catch the face of the young woman as her smile turned feral, her face going almost slightly blurry, the detail fuzzing out like an old memory, and she started to giggle. A high-pitched burbling sound that slowly crept up in tone until Sirius felt the need to clap his hands over his ears to keep his skull from vibrating apart. Her wicked grin grew wider and wider, distending until her mouth was a gaping wound against the side of the cave, emitting an echoing shriek that sounded disturbingly familiar. Then, she simply vanished. No pop, not fading away, she was just gone.
"Why exactly did the guidebook say we needed to be back by dark?" Sirius was still staring at the spot the young woman had been, Remus a warm weight against his back as neither of them was quite willing to say they were clinging, but Sirius was definitely glad for the security.
"Yūrei."
Sirius took a deep breath and backed up just a step, putting some distance between them. "You know, that doesn't mean a thing to me."
"A type of vengeful spirit that-"
Sirius didn't give Remus a chance to finish, cutting him off, wishing his voice wasn't shaking. "But right now, I just want to get back to the cabin, put up the strongest wards we know and then, and only then, can you explain to me why Japanese ghosts are so much creepier than the English versions that will sit with you for lunch and tell you about their experiences in the Fourth Goblin Rebellion."
"Well, we can't Apparate. There are anti-Apparition charms all over the place out here. It's too much of a Muggle tourist spot to risk it. We'll have to walk."
"Of bloody course we will. Why in Merlin's name would we be able to get out of here quickly?" Pulling out his wand and casting a couple of extra warming charms for reinforcement, and a shield charm behind them, Sirius turned and nudged Remus to get him moving back the direction they came.
The caves were small enough that they were back outside in a matter of minutes, only it was a little hard to tell that because in the hour or so they had been underground it had begun to snow heavily, tiny white particles sprinting towards the ground in a blinding sheet.
"I never thought I'd miss the rain," Remus muttered, huddling in on himself and shivering despite the warming charms.
"Come here, Moony," Sirius breathed, holding out his arms. Remus frowned at him, but let himself be enfolded. "I know we're in a hurry, believe me. But we aren't going to make it very far if you're frostbitten and on your way to hypothermia."
"My warming charms have always been shite," Remus shrugged, pressed against Sirius.
"You should have said something." Sirius cast a double warming charm so that when Remus stepped back again it would move with him. "Now, let's get out of here. Which way is back to the cabin again?"
Remus stopped and glanced around frowning. "You know, I'm not sure. It's north-west from here, but with the snow I can't tell which way we're facing anymore."
"Compass charm?"
"Compass charm," Remus agreed while Sirius balanced his wand in the palm of his hand so that the tip would find north. Remus flicked his wand at it, but Sirius' wand simply started spinning uncontrollably. "Well bugger," Remus muttered. "The magnetism from the iron in the ground must be affecting the charm."
"Remus?" Sirius hissed out the sibilants, eyes shifting around to check behind them, feeling like they were being watched. "Are we lost in the haunted forest?"
"Don't panic."
"That's not a no."
Remus didn't answer, and Sirius glanced behind them a second time, the mouth of the cave still looming, a silent warning of what could go wrong.
"Well, pick a direction, then," Sirius sighed, curling his shoulders down and resisting the urge to look behind them for a third time.
After glancing around intently for a moment Remus nodded to himself and set off at a brisk pace. Sirius startled, and jogged to catch up to where Remus had stepped into the thickest of the swirling snow and heavy evergreen branches. Nothing. No bird sounds, no rustling, no footprints. And no Remus.
"Remus?" No answer, although Sirius thought he heard a high-pitched cackle in the distance. Whirling around he saw nothing, and he wasn't sure his mind wasn't playing tricks on him. "Remus. Where the bloody fuck are you?" Still nothing. "Come on, you git, you're scaring me right now!" The only sound was the cotton muffling of the snow and the hiss of the wind twisting through the trees.
"REMUS!" Cold air rushed into his lungs as he screamed choking him, and he doubled over coughing. When he came back up, wheezing and gasping for air he fell against the nearest tree, bark digging into his shoulder, and he glanced around only to realize he could no longer see the cave.
Jogging as fast as he could in ankle deep snow, Sirius headed back the direction he had come only to find more trees. They had barely been past the cave when Remus vanished, so it should have been right behind him, but there was nothing there.
That was when he spotted the humanoid shadow figure dart between two skeletal trees. He could smell the snow and the bitter tang of the earth beneath it, so he knew that this time it wasn't a dream.
Knuckles white on his wand, freshly dropped from his sleeve holster, he turned resolutely back towards the sea of trees.
"Okay," he whispered to himself, trying to find some sound that wasn't swallowed immediately by the precipitating white noise. "Okay, I'm awake this time. That means I have some measure of control."
One last quick look around and Sirius slowly melted down onto four paws, his wand held tightly in his teeth. Pacing back and forth across what was probably meant to be a path but looked like nothing more than a deer run, he sniffed and snuffled at the ground hoping for any trace of Remus. Not only could he not smell Remus, but he didn't smell any passing animals, or even any leftover traces of Muggle tourists.
Changing back to human shaped he slashed his wand towards the nearest tree with a hissed Diffindo and watched with some small satisfaction as an arrow appeared in the direction he was headed.
Finding some taut line between frantic and cautious, Sirius took off at a brisk pace, stopping every hundred meters or so to mark another tree, trying to outwit the remnants of a dream.
Another shadow ran between trees, and this time he could swear he heard it whisper "I have what you want" before it vanished again into the haze of snow. He had to close his eyes and open them again really slowly to make certain he was awake this time, for how terrifyingly familiar this all was. He just hoped he could avoid the screaming.
He couldn't tell how long he had been running around in circles in an infinite forest that he couldn't track his way through even in dog form. It was starting to get dark, but he couldn't be sure if that was the sun going down or the snow getting heavier. He didn't have a clear enough view of the sky through the trees, barren as the branches were they were still too thickly woven together, twisting around each other in a spiraling, arching attempt to reach for sunlight. He had counted seven more semi-human shaped shadows that vanished every time he turned to get a closer look at them.
Paws were picking up little snow matts, and the fur was freezing together as he tried sniffing around again, bursting through into a clearing in the middle of the trees. Every tree ringing the desolate little slip of ground had a Diffindo etched arrow on it, pointing in every direction, some even pointing straight into the earth, half buried in the snow, crawling down the tree trunks, marching into his brain with their insidious message that even his best thought out plans were of no use.
A flash of white to his left had Sirius whirling around only to see bones with remnants of skin still clinging algae-like, the noose that had rotted from the tree still clinging in mossy fibers around separated vertebrae.
"Fuck!" Back in human form, because howling simply didn't do the sudden shock of finding a body justice, Sirius finally had to stop moving and turn away, retching. When he finished coughing up bile and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand he picked his head up warily, looking resolutely in the opposite direction of the very decidedly human remains only to see that all the arrows had changed and were now pointing in the same direction.
"Well," Sirius muttered, just for the sound of his own voice, for the sound of anything at all, "anything has to be better than staying here."
He didn't see the figure of a middle-aged man, also with a noose around his neck, standing beside the bones watching him leave with a lost expression on its face, but he did hear when it whispered "she has what you want" before fading away.
It only took a few minutes of following the arrows as they shifted around him before Sirius broke through into another open clearing where Remus was slumped at the base of a cypress tree, not moving.
He couldn't run fast enough through the snow, dropping down to his knees the second he was close enough, touching Remus' cheek. His chest was rising and falling slowly, but his fingertips were turning blue and his face was deathly cold where Sirius touched him. Panicking for a moment, Sirius had to take a deep breath and let it out on an eight count just to steady his hands enough to cast a slow warming charm. He didn't want to jolt Remus out of hypothermia too quickly. He wasn't sure enough of what the risks to that might have been.
"Rennervate," he gasped, choking down the urge to cast it a second time before he had given the first one a chance to settle. "Come on, Moony, wake up. Please wake up. You have to be okay."
"S'rius?"
The relief was so palpable that Sirius pulled Remus into a crushing hug, forgetting for a moment that they were in the middle of a forest that managed to separate them and was probably home to ghosts that weren't as friendly as he was used to.
"I'm here, come on, let's get you up so we can get out of here."
When they tried to stand Remus stumbled and Sirius had to catch him, ducking himself under Remus' shoulder to try and keep him upright.
"How did you find me?" Sirius didn't like the way Remus was slurring his words together still, but they didn't have time for him to check and make sure he wasn't concussed.
"I'm not sure how I lost you in the first place," was the best reply he could give. He didn't exactly know how to explain that the trees led him there, and that it was probably with malicious intent.
He tried to get Remus moving, but they barely made it to the edge of the clearing before the cackling giggle started, and the snow seemed to pick up so they couldn't see where they were going. Then, suddenly, there leaning against a nearby hemlock tree was the young woman they had encountered in the caves, only now the gash on the side of her face was peeling, flaps of skin hanging over her eye, and her hair was matted and full of leaves, her skin a sickly grey color where it showed through the blood.
"You two have been fun," she crooned, picking at the edge of a nail that had nearly fallen off. "I don't usually get to play this much before I kill the men I manage to entice into following me."
"Well, that was blunt," Sirius said, trying to draw her attention to himself as much as he could while Remus was still sort of slumped over his shoulder. "Remus," he muttered under his breath, hoping she couldn't hear him. "When I let go run. Don't look back, don't argue with me, just run. I'll be faster than her in dog form, so I need you to please go."
No answer, so Sirius had to hope that Remus was going to listen.
"I'm not ashamed of what I'm doing," she replied with a shrug that crunched unpleasantly, tipping her head in what must have been an attempt at coquettishness but was mostly just grotesque.
"I'm not sure I can run." Remus barely moved his mouth at all when he spoke, breathing the words into Sirius' ear under the guise of remaining slumped into him. Squeezing Remus gently around the waist, Sirius hoped that the implied you may not have a choice was clear. Remus squeezed back. It would have to do.
"How can you possibly think that killing people isn't something to be ashamed of?" Louder, attention grabbing. He loosened his grip on Remus.
"Not people. Men."
"Men aren't people?"
"Sirius, what are you doing?" Remus hissed in his ear, breath scalding in the freezing temperatures. He could really do to cast another warming charm when he got the chance. If he got the chance.
"A man did this to me!" She shrieked, flapping a hand towards the skin hanging off her face. "He promised to love me forever and then he pushed me into a ravine and left me there!"
"Well, she's nutters," Sirius muttered, not as quietly as he should have, just as he pushed Remus away from him, shifting down onto four paws at the same time and charging towards the rotting woman.
When he sank his teeth into her arm it was almost with a visceral start, he had sort of half expected to bite down on thin air. She tasted the way rotted meat smelled, and a chunk of her flesh fell off into his mouth. He gagged, but he had already emptied his stomach not that long ago, so he managed to hang on until the sound of crashing branches faded in the distance.
He still tried to hold on until a blow to the side of the head flung him aside, a bit of rotted flesh still stuck in his teeth. When he stood his vision was blurred for a moment, and he shook his head carefully, trying to clear it, trying not to whimper in case Remus was still in hearing distance.
"Well, that was fun," she giggled, shaking out her arm and grinning, a distorted slash of a thing carving its way through her face. "Don't worry. He can run for now. I'll find him when I'm finished with you."
Backing up, tail between his legs, Sirius' ears were ringing slightly. He just hoped Remus got far enough to Apparate.
"That was almost noble of you. You must love him very much, to be willing to die to give him a chance to escape. It's worthless, I'll kill your lover eventually as well, but it was a sweet thing to try. I'm almost inclined to let you run first, just for that."
The growl that was slipping, tripping, vibrating its way out of his chest and spilling past his bared teeth seemed to echo in the lack of nature noises.
"I said run!" This time when she went to land a second blow, aiming for his left ear, he managed to just dance out of the way before taking off as fast as his paws would let him into the thickest cluster of trees he could see.
The snow was grey. Skeletal tree branches grabbed for his fur, while he clutched his wand tightly between his teeth. His paws were cold, snow pellets rebuilding between his toes where they had melted when he had turned back to human shaped, caught in his fur, which was really too long for extended periods in the snow. Dark figures flitted in and out from between the trees, and once he was sure he heard giggling, but so far he was still running. He didn't dare stop long enough to try and Apparate, see if he was clear of the wards. There was a gash on his left flank.
Exhaustion was slowing him down, but he trudged on, a hissing wheeze in his breathing. His pawprints were being filled in by the still rapidly falling snow. He had no idea how long he had been running, unable to find his way out of the forest. It was full dark but he had no idea which end of the night he was closer to.
That was when the whispers started, when his paws began to drag and his vision started to blur.
"She has what you want."
It came from all sides, drifting in and out of the branches, tangled and tumbling and just as cold as the wind that cut through his fur.
A spike of adrenaline shot through him. What if Remus hadn't escaped? What if that was why she hadn't found him yet, because she went after Remus first?
And then the screaming began.
Turning in the direction he thought it was coming from, Sirius huffed once to himself and forced his legs to start moving again, picking up as much speed as he could manage.
"Sirius!" Remus sounded frantic, hoarse like he had been screaming for a long time, but not weak or injured. "Sirius, where are you?"
This time he was quite sure Remus' voice was coming from his left, not bouncing around off the trees, muffled by the snow.
He wheeled around and ran nearly smack into a pair of fetid legs. Reeling back, he shifted up into human form, dropping his wand from his teeth into his hand and taking up a defensive stance. He wasn't quite sure what sort of spells might work on a semi-corporeal, malicious spirit, but he was willing to give it a try. There didn't seem to be any other choice.
"Bad boy," she sneered, jaw popping obscenely loudly.
"Remus, she's still here, keep running!" He called, hoping that Remus would both hear him and listen.
The sound of tree branches scraping on a running figure made Sirius close his eyes for a moment, hopeful that Remus was still fleeing as well. That at least one of them might still escape this.
A sharp slicing pain across his jaw made him open his eyes again to find that she was casually running a fingernail down his face. He hadn't even heard her get closer.
"That was foolish of you. I think just for that I might keep you here and make you watch me kill him. Slowly."
There was a scream caught in the back of his throat. Not for himself, he was so far beyond exhausted that he was simply resigned to dying now, but for Remus who didn't even understand how important he was.
He braced himself, eyes closing in acceptance, but the pain never came. Instead, there was a shriek of pure rage and his eyes snapped right back open to see the young woman flying backwards, a strip of paper stuck to her forehead, a small group of witches and wizards surrounding her, muttering incantations that he couldn't understand while holding some sort of strange box. He was too cold and drained to care.
Seconds later he was on his arse in the snow, Remus clinging to him, patting him down ineffectually, and murmuring too low for Sirius to hear.
"I'm okay, Moony. Cold, and so tired I think I might actually be dead, but I'm okay."
"You're not," Remus hissed, grabbing his wand and sending healing charms at both Sirius' face and his hip, both of which were still bleeding, the blood congealing quickly in the cold. He was really going to enjoy a shower. After he had slept for a week.
"I've had worse from pranks gone wrong. I'm really fine, Remus."
In reply Remus kissed him. It wasn't prolonged or intimate, Remus seemed more terrified than when they had first been separated, but Sirius returned the kiss as best he could before Remus pulled away dropping his head onto Sirius' shoulder.
"I don't care if I am just a replacement for James, I can't handle the thought of you dying without knowing that I fancy the hell out of you."
Stealing another kiss, because it seemed that at least until Remus calmed down he could get away with it, Sirius sighed. "You have never been, nor will you ever be, a replacement for James. And I'll keep telling you that for as long as it takes for you to believe I fancy you back. Just you. Just for being you."
"I'm sorry to interrupt," one of the older wizards, a man with a neatly trimmed white beard and crinkles around his eyes, said softly in halting but understandable English. "But I wanted you to know that the yūrei has been contained. Please send my thanks to Dumbledore. We've been attempting to catch this particular yūrei for just over sixty years. When I asked for his assistance I didn't quite expect the two of you, but thank you both."
When Sirius glanced at Remus, pulling back slightly so he could see him without going cross-eyed, he found him wearing a slightly bitter, frustrated look that exactly matched how Sirius felt.
"Somehow, I suspect there may be an owl waiting for us when we get home," Sirius groused, still leaning into Remus, trying to soak up as much of his warmth as he could. His fingers were too stiff to properly cast a warming charm.
"We'll pass on your thanks," Remus said politely. "But for now I think we'd both just like to pick up our things and get the first portkey back to London."
"I will send someone for your bags, if you would like, and arrange the portkey myself."
"That would be wonderful," Sirius said, meaning every word of it.
The old man wandered back to the rest of the small group of what seemed to be some form of Aurors, barking orders in a tone not nearly as gentle as he had used with Sirius and Remus.
"It turns out that the Ministry in Japan has magical alarms set up to warn them when a particularly vicious yūrei appears. I had barely run a kilometer when they showed up asking where she was. The rest of the time was spent trying to track her down. And you."
"I told you I was faster than she was," Sirius said, flippant, relieved. "Are we going to talk about this?" He leaned hard into Remus, resting his cheek on Remus' shoulder for emphasis.
"I suppose we're going to have to," Remus sighed, but he didn't look as miserable at the prospect as he had earlier. "After we get home and see what Dumbledore has to say about this entire thing."
"Well, then," Sirius kissed Remus once more, smiling despite the last however many hours it had been. He still wasn't sure. "I know this was meant to be a hoIiday and all, but I'm really rather tired of Japan right about now. I suppose it's back to London and watching our backs for dark wizards every time we leave the flat." He knew it wasn't a promise, it was barely an acknowledgement, but it was better than what he had started out this trip with, and that was more than enough for Sirius. They would get there. He had every confidence in at least that much going right. Everything else they would have to wait and see.
"How about if you watch my back and I'll watch yours?" Remus asked, standing up and helping to haul Sirius to his feet as well.
"That sounds much better."
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Date: 2017-12-12 11:43 pm (UTC)Japan trip, ghost story and wolfstar all in one?This is one of a kind and I'm in awe because you've got some of MY favourite things all in one place!First off, brilliant descriptions of the place, the haunting, the overall chilling moments here. The dialogue and how things progress from their time in London where Sirius' feelings are concerned, the war, Remus' confusion and his reactions-everything was done so smoothly and flowed really well!
There's so much to love in this fic and somehow Dumbledore having sent them?Really?Ever the opportunist, that old man.
And definitely thanks for the hopeful ending you gave them!
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Date: 2017-12-13 02:14 am (UTC)Heh, I'm glad you didn't mind the Dumbledore bit. I was hoping to squeeze in a little more occult and a little less deus ex machina, but I was afraid it would be 25k and January and I would still be going. He seemed a good scapegoat what with the penchant for having people perform heroic tasks they don't even know they're supposed to be performing.
Always with the hopeful/happy endings from me. :P
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Date: 2017-12-13 06:34 am (UTC)The detail in this was such a delight, you captured the flow from London to Japan so thrillingly. Also huge props for making me hungry, your descriptions of food were amazing, and the stark vivid terror of the ghost girl was great--she reminded me of seeing Lady Snowblood aaages ago and I would read a fic ft. her bloody adventures as a landlocked siren in half a heartbeat!!! BUT of course I was rooting for r/s and was thrilled to see them finally get together after a life-or-death ordeal and I love that you had them take a trip through hell to get there first because GOD I love it when it takes them foreverrrr to get over themselves and on each other; you did it so beautifully and it was all so perfectly emotionally charged in a way that's going to stick with me for days and I'm so dearly happy about it.
Other things I loved: Remus's jealousy because YES, the intricate atmospheric touches throughout the whole story, your wintry turns of phrase, the threads of magic woven all over, how Sirius's dreams resolve themselves into something concrete and terrifying. And that ending!!! Those very last lines (I'll BET he can watch Remus's back), that gorgeous strike of hope in the face of everything... ahhh. I love it, and I love the progression of their feelings here--everything so new and raw and so very sweet. Just, thanks for giving them that sliver of togetherness after all that. My heart feels overflowing <3
Again--thank you so much for writing this and for all the ways this story built and built on itself, it is just SO MUCH and I'm ecstatic to have received such a wonderful gift from such a lovely writer. I can't thank you enough for writing this and for how happy I was to get to sink my teeth into it tonight. Happy holidays bud--I hope they're jolly and bright etc for you and the new year is full of good things (and plenty of r/s of course) to come. This is such a joy <3<3<3
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Date: 2017-12-13 06:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-12-14 10:22 pm (UTC)what a win!
Sorry it took me so long to respond to this because it was FABULOUS! We have plans to go to Japan two years from now, so it was especially appealing to me. Despite the possibility of Yūrei, I want to go even more now!
And I have long wondered how Tanuki fit into the magical world. They're some of my favorite animals and I always imagined that Sirius would appreciate the way they're depicted with... erm... huge testicles. And kitsune get a mention, too? Perfect!
There was a lot to love about this piece, but I really loved this bit: Remus slowly disentangled them now that Sirius was breathing again, but he didn't say anything, leaving Sirius with the mixed desire to both keep babbling and to find someplace to hide. It was a strange ability that Remus possessed, to compel both the desire to behave and to repent even when having done nothing wrong.
And this: Time was a tepid thing, crawling and rushing simultaneously while they looked at anything but each other, not sure where to start.
This was utterly exciting and made me feel good to be alive!
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Date: 2017-12-15 02:42 pm (UTC)I'm just thrilled that you liked this. Thank you!!
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Date: 2017-12-16 01:59 am (UTC)I did appareicate the little bits of humor that made it less anxious. I mean, Remus Lupin is a great guide:
“Are we lost in the haunted forest?”
“Don’t panic.”
“That’s not a no.”
LOL!
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Date: 2017-12-18 07:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-12-19 11:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-12-19 07:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-12-19 07:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-12-26 09:46 pm (UTC)Wolfstar angst, creepy as hell, other wizarding culture, did I mention creepy? I effing love ghost stories and Japanese ghosts are so scary. This was brilliant.
Plus the boys were spot on. I can 100% see Remus thinking Sirius is only attached to him like that bc James is getting married and poor Sirius. Those dreams were terrifying.
Ahh. So much love.
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Date: 2017-12-28 09:30 pm (UTC)There's just something about Japanese ghosts that appeals, especially when writing. There's so much culture there that works so nicely with wizarding culture. I'm thrilled you liked it!
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Date: 2018-01-02 08:40 am (UTC)I love the interactions between Sirius and Remus as well, and the ending was clever, as well as sweet in a way the two of them definitely deserved after this ordeal. Great job! <3
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Date: 2018-01-02 05:20 pm (UTC)