Fic: Two Truths and a Lie for honest_brain
Dec. 9th, 2016 11:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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small_giftsTitle: Two Truths and a Lie
Author/Artist:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
llaeyro
Recipient:honest_brain
Rating: NC-17
Contents or warnings (highlight to view): *Flangst, pining, dirty talk, frotting*
Word count: ~3k
Summary: A getting together at last story.
Notes: Thank you to the incredibleshiftylinguini for the beta work on this. I have made additions since, so any remaining mistakes are my own. Merry Christmas honest_brain, this fic was inspired by the titular prompt ‘Two truths and a lie’ as well as everything on your likes list. Enjoy! =)
“Did you mean it?”
“What?” Remus looked up from his bottle, wracking his brain to try and piece together what they’d been talking about before the long silence. “Did I mean what?” Sirius wasn’t looking at him. He was lounging back in the armchair, staring at the ceiling, absently turning the tumbler that was balanced upon his thigh.
“When we were in school, after… When I fucked everything up just to mess with Snape. You said… The things you said, when you were angry, about how you felt and what—what we could have had. Did you mean it?”
Remus eyed Sirius uncomfortably. Over the past two weeks, it had mostly just been the two of them in Remus’s cottage. Sirius had started to seem more like his old self this week, but not tonight. Tonight he seemed distant, sombre, nervous. The conversation was so out of the blue that Remus couldn’t think of how to reply.
“I… It was a very long time ago, I can’t really remember. It was all very much in the heat of the moment.”
“So you just threw it all out there, what you thought would hurt me the most.” There was a hollow quality about his voice, far too close to how Sirius sounded whenever he briefly spoke about Azkaban.
“No, I don’t mean it like that, I—” Remus let out a long sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose and trying to clear his thoughts. He was perfectly aware that drinking more beer probably wouldn’t help matters, but he took another swig anyway. “I hadn’t planned what to say, it all just tumbled out so it was based on my raw emotions. So whatever I said was probably overly harsh as it didn’t take all the factors into consideration. I honestly can’t really remember, I’ve done my best over the years to forget about that whole incident.” He mumbled the last, wrapping his lips around the mouth of his bottle and hoping that would be enough to content Sirius.
For a while, he thought it had worked.
“You called me ‘the most inconsiderate, impulsive, self-centred, self-serving idiot to ever wear gold and maroon’.” Remus wondered if he could detect the slightest hint of humour in Sirius’s voice.
“Well, yes, that was all true. But you did have many redeeming qualities, also.”
“Like my ‘ridiculously poncy hair’ and the way I ‘strut around like an over-confident peacock’ leaving a ‘trail of swooning girls’ in my wake?” Sirius turned his head slightly, still leant against the back of the chair, watching Remus out of the corner of his eye.
“Well you did spend longer perfecting that gentle wave in your hair than Lily ever spent on hair, makeup and wardrobe put together,” he scoffed.
“And how about when you said that my smile made your heart skip a beat? That you wished you’d never fallen in love with an arse so self-absorbed that he hadn’t even noticed?” Sirius raised his head, looking straight at Remus. “Did you mean that?”
Remus’s mouth was dry, but he didn’t feel like drinking anymore. He wanted to be anywhere but here, having this conversation. He’d forgotten how forthright he’d been. It was the day after transformation. He was exhausted, physically and emotionally. He was distraught that Snape knew his secret, dismayed that Sirius had betrayed him and furious that Sirius didn’t seem to realise just how dire the consequences could have been. Everything had just spilled over, leaving him feeling empty, cold and alone. He did remember that feeling. The belief that he would never see Sirius again, now that he knew. The even more surprising feeling that, maybe, he didn’t want to.
“I suppose I meant it at the time, yes.” He glances at Sirius, but he can’t bring himself to really look at him. He stares instead at Sirius’s too-big, worn out, hand-me-down shoes. He wondered why Sirius needed to drag all this up, now. Remus would much rather let sleeping dragons lie.
“That you loved me or—” he took a deep breath, “Or that you wished you didn’t.”
Remus’s voice was barely above a whisper as he closed his eyes and answered. “Both.”
He daren’t open his eyes as he hears the shuffle of Sirius getting to his feet. What now? Will he hit him? Kiss him? March from the house in disgust? Remus’s money was on the latter.
When he heard the stairs creak, he opened his eyes with a start. Somehow, he hadn’t been expecting Sirius to leave him alone, just like that. The stairs kept creaking, gradually getting quieter as Sirius ascended to the top. The close of the spare bedroom door echoed softly through the crumbling walls.
The half-full whisky bottle on the cabinet was gone.
~o~
“Are you really straight?”
“What?” Again, the question was completely out of the blue. They were sitting around the kitchen table after dinner, picking at cheese and biscuits and sipping port. “Why would you ask? Does it matter?” Times had changed, being gay wasn’t such a big deal anymore, but Sirius had been locked away. He missed the transition. Remus didn’t want anything else to eat, but he needed something to do with his hands. He blindly chose a cracker and took a slice of cheddar.
Sirius was leant forward, elbows on the table, fingers steepled around his glass. His long hair fell forward off his shoulders, into his eyes. Eyes that seemed to be trying to bore through him, through the facade he has worn all these years. “Not really, just you once told me that you were, and I’m not sure that was true.”
Ah, yes, that. Since his attack as a young boy, Remus’s parents had made it very clear that he must fit in and appear normal, to the very best of his abilities. Being gay was counter-productive. Counter-intuitive. Suicide, in fact. Of course, he couldn’t deny his natural feelings, and eventually everything boiled over when Sirius’s little stunt with Snape sent his emotions into overdrive. But after that, once he’d accepted that it was just another inevitable, important and disguisable facet of his being, Remus found that it really wasn’t that much of an issue. Not after lycanthropy, at least. He had acted the part that was expected of him and found suitable outlets for his needs when they arose. He did sometimes feel slightly guilty for keeping a fundamental part of his being from his closest friends and family, but he had already burdened them enough.
“It was a little while after your mum passed away, we were still kipping in James’s parents’ front room. I tried to get you up on the sofa with me for a cuddle, and you got all weird about it. Told me to stop being queer.”
Sirius had reminded him that he once wasn’t so disgusted by the idea of Sirius’s arms around him. Remus had replied that he’d been confused in school, but since growing up, things had become clearer. He’d had to turn away, unable to look Sirius in the eye as he’d flat out lied to him, saying in no uncertain terms that he was straight.
“So are you? Straight?”
Remus gave a small, rueful smile. “No.”
“Did you know it was a lie?”
The cheese and biscuits suddenly felt like lead in Remus’s stomach. “Yes,” he croaked out.
Sirius huffed out a humourless laugh as he shook his head, scooting his chair back to stand. He rounded the table, pausing briefly with his hand on Remus’s shoulder. Remus felt his breathing quicken nervously. He kept his eyes on his hands, fingers playing with the stem of his glass.
“Things could have been so different, Moony.”
A thousand thoughts whizzed through Remus’s mind in a matter of seconds. Azkaban, Lily and James, Harry, Frank and Alice, Peter, so much could have been different. Is that what Sirius was thinking of? Or did he mean that they could have, maybe, had a chance?
When Remus looked up, Sirius was gone.
~o~
“Is it true?” Remus asked, standing in the doorway to Sirius’s bedroom. Sirius looked every bit caught off guard that Remus had hoped he would. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, a freshly opened bottle of brandy on the nightstand beside two empties, flicking through Remus’s old magazines. He threw the magazine back into the box on the floor, kicking it under the bed as he licked his lips and shifted nervously.
“Is what true?”
Remus stepped into the room. He took a deep breath, consequently drawing himself up to his full height. Sirius’s eyes widened slightly as he surveyed all seventy-four inches of Remus’s wiry frame. The way Sirius looked at him, it was… distracting. Remus dropped down to sit on the bed, a good foot or two between them. He leant forward, resting his forearms on his knees, his gaze on his clasped hands.
“That you—you thought of me, when you were in there. That it was the thought of explaining everything to me, of me knowing that you were always innocent, that kept you sane. Is it true?”
“No.”
Remus felt a lump rise in his throat. He felt hot, embarrassed.
“Remus.”
The air was too warm, too thick, he couldn’t breathe.
“Moony,” Sirius said softly, hand coming to rest over Remus’s, thumb rubbing soothing circles against his bare wrist. “You did keep me sane, but it wasn’t about clearing my name.” Sirius slips onto the floor, shuffling in front of Remus, hands still covering his. “It was just about seeing you again. Knowing you were okay, maybe being there for you on the moon again. And perhaps—Well, no. There’s nothing uncertain about it. I was… I was hoping that it wasn’t too late. That we might still have a chance at… something.”
“But—” It just didn't make sense. Sirius always chased after the girls and was often one of the first to jump in with the queer-bashing whenever someone was caught staring a little too long in the showers. “But you’re not gay…”
“I am a little bit, at least. I don’t know, I think I like both.”
“They call it bisexual these days.”
“Well, whatever they call it, the fact remains that I’ve been arse over fucking tit in love with you since school and if you still have feelings for me too… Why aren’t we doing something about it?”
Remus shifted forward, perched nearer to the edge of the bed. He reached out, cupping Sirius’s face and closed his eyes as he softly brought their foreheads together with a sigh. He could feel Sirius’s harsh breathing against his collarbone. Remus knew that he had never stopped caring for Sirius. Even after James and Lily, when he had thought the unthinkable, he had grieved for Sirius as much as for the others, but he hadn’t stopped loving the boy, the young man, he’d once known.
“We’re on the verge of another war and if I finally had you only to lose you I—I don’t know what I’d do, I…”
Sirius’s hands came up to cover Remus’s own, bringing his fingers to Sirius’s mouth where he softly kissed them one by one. “Shh… It’s okay, Moony. It’s—It’s not ideal, I know, but can’t we just make the most of now? Please, Remus…”
A finger under Remus's chin gently guided his head up. Sirius was still so close, and yet crossing those centimetres seemed like an impossible feat. Remus tried to sit up, to put some distance between them, but Sirius’s hands tightened on his wrists.
"I, I can't, Sirius, I can't lose you like that."
"Well, I can't waste what could be our last chance." He leant in, fingertips brushing Remus's fringe aside. He softly whispered, "I'm sorry," before closing the gap.
Remus’s eyes closed on instinct, lips moving tentatively against Sirius’s. The angle wasn’t right, their paces were off and neither seemed to know what to do with their hands. It was awkward, clumsy, yet Remus was surprised to find he didn’t care. This was Sirius. Flawed, charming, imperfect, real Sirius. The finesse could come later.
Remus pressed forward towards him, hand coming up to the back of Sirius’s neck, taking control of the kiss. He changed the angle, getting their noses out of the way and slowed everything down. A small moan escaped Sirius’s lips and the sound went straight to Remus’s cock.
“Remus,” Sirius muttered against his lips, shuffling around on his knees, “Can I…” he trailed off, getting to his feet and leaning over Remus, gently urging him back onto the bed.
Remus started to go until sense got the better of him. He propped himself up, one hand on the bed behind him and the other on Sirius’s shoulder, stilling him.
“No, I mean, not yet, let’s… Let’s not rush things.”
Sirius’s brow furrowed softly. “Okay, but, we don’t have to, you know... Go all the way. We could just, go, a bit of the way?” He smiled a crooked, unsure sort of smile and Merlin, Remus wanted him. Sirius must have noticed his resolve waver, because he pressed forward again, just enough for Remus to feel the enticing bulge in Sirius’s trousers. He leant close to Remus’s ear, and whispered: “Please, can we? I’ve spent too many nights touching myself and pretending it was you. Don’t make me pretend again. Not tonight.”
Remus gave in, capturing his lips once more and pulling Sirius with him as he fell back onto the bed. Sirius went eagerly, straddling Remus’s hips and kissing back feverishly. Hands caressed Remus’s chest, smoothing down his arms, gliding down his sides, as if trying to memorise every inch.
Sirius rolled his hips slowly, as if testing the motion, watching for Remus’s reaction. Remus gasped softly, hands travelling down to Sirius’s hips, encouraging his actions. With a slight, pleased quirk of his lips, Sirius ground down again, harder, longer, letting free a small moan. Remus closed his eyes and sought out Sirius’s lips again as his thrusts quickened. Sirius frequently missed contact with Remus’s cock altogether. It was frantic, erratic, infuriating.
“Slow down, would you? We're not in school now, you know.”
Sorry,” Sirius chuckled, “I just, I have no idea what I’m doing but if it feels good, do it. Right?”
“Not quite, apparently,” Remus teased. “Have you ever…”
“Nope.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to ask.”
“Doesn’t matter. If it’s something that involves another man, the answer’s no.” It was said flippantly, but Remus could see the slight tightness around his mouth, the nervous way he glanced away.
Remus tried to sit up, but Sirius was in the way. He pressed a hand firmly to Sirius’s chest in wordless request, but still he remained in place. Remus looked up into a worried, hurt face and it took a moment for realisation to dawn.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He kissed him again, pouring every ounce of his sincerity into it. “I just… Take your shirt off. And lay on the bed.”
“Like being in charge, do you Moony?” Sirius said with a grin as he stood and pulled his shirt over his head.
Remus did the same, standing to make room for Sirius to lay down first. He climbed onto the bed, leaning awkwardly over Sirius. “If that’s what works for you, Padfoot.”
Sirius groaned as Remus put one knee between his legs, rubbing his thigh against Sirius’s clothed cock. “I’m not complaining.”
Remus shifted again, straddling Sirius and grinding their cocks together. Sirius let out a louder moan and Remus couldn’t hold back a soft one of his own.
“That’s it, there’s no rush,” he muttered between kisses, taking up a slow and steady rhythm with his hips. He shivered pleasantly as Sirius’s hands ghosted down his sides to his arse, grabbing hold and spurring him on. They panted into each other’s faces, exchanging kisses, until Remus caught a twinge of discomfort cross Sirius’s features.
He sat up slightly, reaching for Sirius’s flies. “Can I—”
“Thank fuck, yes,” Sirius moaned emphatically. “Thought you’d never ask.”
Remus crawled down the bed a little, enough to be able to wrestle with his trousers, pants and socks. When he threw his clothes aside and looked back to Sirius, he was already laying there naked. As Remus surveyed Sirius, still a little too thin from his time in Azkaban, Sirius was obviously trying not to squirm under the scrutiny.
“You look even better than you did back in school,” Remus reassured as he crawled back up the bed, over Sirius.
“Liar,” Sirius grinned, but Sirius could see the insecurity in his eyes.
“I mean it,” he insisted, and it was only a little bit of a white lie. Remus’s tastes had changed over the years, but so had Sirius changed. He was still a bit too skinny from Azkaban, his skin thin and sallow, but he was tall, broad, strong and elegant yet distinctly masculine.
“Oh shut up, Moony,” Sirius grumbled, pulling Remus back down on top of him and into a kiss. Sirius’s hands found his arse, hips bucking up against him.
“Hang on,” Remus said, crawling forward and stretching over Sirius to reach for his wand. He summoned a bottle of lube from his bedroom, squeezing a little sparingly into his hand. Remus shifted his weight, planting his dry hand beside Sirius’s head and wrapping the other around their cocks. Sirius threw his head back onto the pillow with a moan, but as Remus started to move his hand up and down their lengths, Sirius’s cock slipped free of his grip and fell wetly onto Sirius’s stomach. Sirius wriggled, working his hand between them and completing Remus’s grip. They moved together, sliding their hands up and down their lengths, bucking into the tight channel made by their clasped hands.
“Fuck, I’m close,” Sirius breathed out, “You?”
“A bit,” Remus mumbled, tossing his head to try and get his fringe out of his eyes.
“Come with me, Remus.”
Remus let loose a loud moan as he bucked into their fists with increased desperation.
“That’s it. I want to see you come. I want to—fuck, I want everything. I want to touch you, taste you. Can I…” He half-sat up, kissing along Remus’s jaw, nuzzling against his ear. It was strangely gentle, given that Sirius was simultaneously leaving bruised fingerprints on Remus’s hip. “Would you let me, ah, fuck you, someday? Do you like that?”
“Ngh, yes, I—ah! Want…” Sirius’s words and the slide of their cocks was too heady a combination. Remus felt like an incoherent idiot, but he was too gone to care.
“And you can fuck me. Uhh, I want you to fuck me, like this. Hard and desperate and per-ohh! Perf—” Sirius fell back onto the bed, rhythm stuttering, and he let out a long moan as he came. Remus followed him over the edge, face buried in Sirius’s neck, panting desperately.
Remus couldn’t move. Didn’t want to, more to the point. Their come was rapidly cooling, however, and would soon become unpleasant. With a displeased grunt, Remus half-rolled to the side, reaching out blindly for his wand. He waved out a cleaning charm and dropped it onto the nightstand, turning back into Sirius’s arms. Sirius pulled him close, shifting about to get comfortable.
A moment after he finally settled, Sirius brought his hand up, gently running his thumb along Remus’s jaw and across his cheek. Remus looked up at him, and Sirius smiled softly, his eyes swimming with emotion.
“Just making sure you’re real,” he said, wistfully.
“I was the last time that I checked,” Remus smiled, resting his head back on Sirius’s shoulder. Sirius chuckled and squeezed him a little tighter.
“We’ll be alright,” Sirius yawned, “Moony and the dog-star. Star-crossed lovers, in every sense of the term. We’re meant to be, Remus, so everything will work out. You’ll see.” He gave another small yawn, already starting to fall asleep.
It was a load of nonsense, and he was pretty sure Sirius didn’t really believe it anyway. He would try, though, to do as Sirius had suggested: make the most of now. One day at a time and, maybe, they’d be alright.
Remus drifted off to sleep, with a smile on his lips and a lightness in his heart, for the first night of many.
Fin
Author/Artist:
llaeyroRecipient:
honest_brainRating: NC-17
Contents or warnings (highlight to view): *Flangst, pining, dirty talk, frotting*
Word count: ~3k
Summary: A getting together at last story.
Notes: Thank you to the incredible
shiftylinguini for the beta work on this. I have made additions since, so any remaining mistakes are my own. Merry Christmas honest_brain, this fic was inspired by the titular prompt ‘Two truths and a lie’ as well as everything on your likes list. Enjoy! =)“Did you mean it?”
“What?” Remus looked up from his bottle, wracking his brain to try and piece together what they’d been talking about before the long silence. “Did I mean what?” Sirius wasn’t looking at him. He was lounging back in the armchair, staring at the ceiling, absently turning the tumbler that was balanced upon his thigh.
“When we were in school, after… When I fucked everything up just to mess with Snape. You said… The things you said, when you were angry, about how you felt and what—what we could have had. Did you mean it?”
Remus eyed Sirius uncomfortably. Over the past two weeks, it had mostly just been the two of them in Remus’s cottage. Sirius had started to seem more like his old self this week, but not tonight. Tonight he seemed distant, sombre, nervous. The conversation was so out of the blue that Remus couldn’t think of how to reply.
“I… It was a very long time ago, I can’t really remember. It was all very much in the heat of the moment.”
“So you just threw it all out there, what you thought would hurt me the most.” There was a hollow quality about his voice, far too close to how Sirius sounded whenever he briefly spoke about Azkaban.
“No, I don’t mean it like that, I—” Remus let out a long sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose and trying to clear his thoughts. He was perfectly aware that drinking more beer probably wouldn’t help matters, but he took another swig anyway. “I hadn’t planned what to say, it all just tumbled out so it was based on my raw emotions. So whatever I said was probably overly harsh as it didn’t take all the factors into consideration. I honestly can’t really remember, I’ve done my best over the years to forget about that whole incident.” He mumbled the last, wrapping his lips around the mouth of his bottle and hoping that would be enough to content Sirius.
For a while, he thought it had worked.
“You called me ‘the most inconsiderate, impulsive, self-centred, self-serving idiot to ever wear gold and maroon’.” Remus wondered if he could detect the slightest hint of humour in Sirius’s voice.
“Well, yes, that was all true. But you did have many redeeming qualities, also.”
“Like my ‘ridiculously poncy hair’ and the way I ‘strut around like an over-confident peacock’ leaving a ‘trail of swooning girls’ in my wake?” Sirius turned his head slightly, still leant against the back of the chair, watching Remus out of the corner of his eye.
“Well you did spend longer perfecting that gentle wave in your hair than Lily ever spent on hair, makeup and wardrobe put together,” he scoffed.
“And how about when you said that my smile made your heart skip a beat? That you wished you’d never fallen in love with an arse so self-absorbed that he hadn’t even noticed?” Sirius raised his head, looking straight at Remus. “Did you mean that?”
Remus’s mouth was dry, but he didn’t feel like drinking anymore. He wanted to be anywhere but here, having this conversation. He’d forgotten how forthright he’d been. It was the day after transformation. He was exhausted, physically and emotionally. He was distraught that Snape knew his secret, dismayed that Sirius had betrayed him and furious that Sirius didn’t seem to realise just how dire the consequences could have been. Everything had just spilled over, leaving him feeling empty, cold and alone. He did remember that feeling. The belief that he would never see Sirius again, now that he knew. The even more surprising feeling that, maybe, he didn’t want to.
“I suppose I meant it at the time, yes.” He glances at Sirius, but he can’t bring himself to really look at him. He stares instead at Sirius’s too-big, worn out, hand-me-down shoes. He wondered why Sirius needed to drag all this up, now. Remus would much rather let sleeping dragons lie.
“That you loved me or—” he took a deep breath, “Or that you wished you didn’t.”
Remus’s voice was barely above a whisper as he closed his eyes and answered. “Both.”
He daren’t open his eyes as he hears the shuffle of Sirius getting to his feet. What now? Will he hit him? Kiss him? March from the house in disgust? Remus’s money was on the latter.
When he heard the stairs creak, he opened his eyes with a start. Somehow, he hadn’t been expecting Sirius to leave him alone, just like that. The stairs kept creaking, gradually getting quieter as Sirius ascended to the top. The close of the spare bedroom door echoed softly through the crumbling walls.
The half-full whisky bottle on the cabinet was gone.
~o~
“Are you really straight?”
“What?” Again, the question was completely out of the blue. They were sitting around the kitchen table after dinner, picking at cheese and biscuits and sipping port. “Why would you ask? Does it matter?” Times had changed, being gay wasn’t such a big deal anymore, but Sirius had been locked away. He missed the transition. Remus didn’t want anything else to eat, but he needed something to do with his hands. He blindly chose a cracker and took a slice of cheddar.
Sirius was leant forward, elbows on the table, fingers steepled around his glass. His long hair fell forward off his shoulders, into his eyes. Eyes that seemed to be trying to bore through him, through the facade he has worn all these years. “Not really, just you once told me that you were, and I’m not sure that was true.”
Ah, yes, that. Since his attack as a young boy, Remus’s parents had made it very clear that he must fit in and appear normal, to the very best of his abilities. Being gay was counter-productive. Counter-intuitive. Suicide, in fact. Of course, he couldn’t deny his natural feelings, and eventually everything boiled over when Sirius’s little stunt with Snape sent his emotions into overdrive. But after that, once he’d accepted that it was just another inevitable, important and disguisable facet of his being, Remus found that it really wasn’t that much of an issue. Not after lycanthropy, at least. He had acted the part that was expected of him and found suitable outlets for his needs when they arose. He did sometimes feel slightly guilty for keeping a fundamental part of his being from his closest friends and family, but he had already burdened them enough.
“It was a little while after your mum passed away, we were still kipping in James’s parents’ front room. I tried to get you up on the sofa with me for a cuddle, and you got all weird about it. Told me to stop being queer.”
Sirius had reminded him that he once wasn’t so disgusted by the idea of Sirius’s arms around him. Remus had replied that he’d been confused in school, but since growing up, things had become clearer. He’d had to turn away, unable to look Sirius in the eye as he’d flat out lied to him, saying in no uncertain terms that he was straight.
“So are you? Straight?”
Remus gave a small, rueful smile. “No.”
“Did you know it was a lie?”
The cheese and biscuits suddenly felt like lead in Remus’s stomach. “Yes,” he croaked out.
Sirius huffed out a humourless laugh as he shook his head, scooting his chair back to stand. He rounded the table, pausing briefly with his hand on Remus’s shoulder. Remus felt his breathing quicken nervously. He kept his eyes on his hands, fingers playing with the stem of his glass.
“Things could have been so different, Moony.”
A thousand thoughts whizzed through Remus’s mind in a matter of seconds. Azkaban, Lily and James, Harry, Frank and Alice, Peter, so much could have been different. Is that what Sirius was thinking of? Or did he mean that they could have, maybe, had a chance?
When Remus looked up, Sirius was gone.
~o~
“Is it true?” Remus asked, standing in the doorway to Sirius’s bedroom. Sirius looked every bit caught off guard that Remus had hoped he would. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, a freshly opened bottle of brandy on the nightstand beside two empties, flicking through Remus’s old magazines. He threw the magazine back into the box on the floor, kicking it under the bed as he licked his lips and shifted nervously.
“Is what true?”
Remus stepped into the room. He took a deep breath, consequently drawing himself up to his full height. Sirius’s eyes widened slightly as he surveyed all seventy-four inches of Remus’s wiry frame. The way Sirius looked at him, it was… distracting. Remus dropped down to sit on the bed, a good foot or two between them. He leant forward, resting his forearms on his knees, his gaze on his clasped hands.
“That you—you thought of me, when you were in there. That it was the thought of explaining everything to me, of me knowing that you were always innocent, that kept you sane. Is it true?”
“No.”
Remus felt a lump rise in his throat. He felt hot, embarrassed.
“Remus.”
The air was too warm, too thick, he couldn’t breathe.
“Moony,” Sirius said softly, hand coming to rest over Remus’s, thumb rubbing soothing circles against his bare wrist. “You did keep me sane, but it wasn’t about clearing my name.” Sirius slips onto the floor, shuffling in front of Remus, hands still covering his. “It was just about seeing you again. Knowing you were okay, maybe being there for you on the moon again. And perhaps—Well, no. There’s nothing uncertain about it. I was… I was hoping that it wasn’t too late. That we might still have a chance at… something.”
“But—” It just didn't make sense. Sirius always chased after the girls and was often one of the first to jump in with the queer-bashing whenever someone was caught staring a little too long in the showers. “But you’re not gay…”
“I am a little bit, at least. I don’t know, I think I like both.”
“They call it bisexual these days.”
“Well, whatever they call it, the fact remains that I’ve been arse over fucking tit in love with you since school and if you still have feelings for me too… Why aren’t we doing something about it?”
Remus shifted forward, perched nearer to the edge of the bed. He reached out, cupping Sirius’s face and closed his eyes as he softly brought their foreheads together with a sigh. He could feel Sirius’s harsh breathing against his collarbone. Remus knew that he had never stopped caring for Sirius. Even after James and Lily, when he had thought the unthinkable, he had grieved for Sirius as much as for the others, but he hadn’t stopped loving the boy, the young man, he’d once known.
“We’re on the verge of another war and if I finally had you only to lose you I—I don’t know what I’d do, I…”
Sirius’s hands came up to cover Remus’s own, bringing his fingers to Sirius’s mouth where he softly kissed them one by one. “Shh… It’s okay, Moony. It’s—It’s not ideal, I know, but can’t we just make the most of now? Please, Remus…”
A finger under Remus's chin gently guided his head up. Sirius was still so close, and yet crossing those centimetres seemed like an impossible feat. Remus tried to sit up, to put some distance between them, but Sirius’s hands tightened on his wrists.
"I, I can't, Sirius, I can't lose you like that."
"Well, I can't waste what could be our last chance." He leant in, fingertips brushing Remus's fringe aside. He softly whispered, "I'm sorry," before closing the gap.
Remus’s eyes closed on instinct, lips moving tentatively against Sirius’s. The angle wasn’t right, their paces were off and neither seemed to know what to do with their hands. It was awkward, clumsy, yet Remus was surprised to find he didn’t care. This was Sirius. Flawed, charming, imperfect, real Sirius. The finesse could come later.
Remus pressed forward towards him, hand coming up to the back of Sirius’s neck, taking control of the kiss. He changed the angle, getting their noses out of the way and slowed everything down. A small moan escaped Sirius’s lips and the sound went straight to Remus’s cock.
“Remus,” Sirius muttered against his lips, shuffling around on his knees, “Can I…” he trailed off, getting to his feet and leaning over Remus, gently urging him back onto the bed.
Remus started to go until sense got the better of him. He propped himself up, one hand on the bed behind him and the other on Sirius’s shoulder, stilling him.
“No, I mean, not yet, let’s… Let’s not rush things.”
Sirius’s brow furrowed softly. “Okay, but, we don’t have to, you know... Go all the way. We could just, go, a bit of the way?” He smiled a crooked, unsure sort of smile and Merlin, Remus wanted him. Sirius must have noticed his resolve waver, because he pressed forward again, just enough for Remus to feel the enticing bulge in Sirius’s trousers. He leant close to Remus’s ear, and whispered: “Please, can we? I’ve spent too many nights touching myself and pretending it was you. Don’t make me pretend again. Not tonight.”
Remus gave in, capturing his lips once more and pulling Sirius with him as he fell back onto the bed. Sirius went eagerly, straddling Remus’s hips and kissing back feverishly. Hands caressed Remus’s chest, smoothing down his arms, gliding down his sides, as if trying to memorise every inch.
Sirius rolled his hips slowly, as if testing the motion, watching for Remus’s reaction. Remus gasped softly, hands travelling down to Sirius’s hips, encouraging his actions. With a slight, pleased quirk of his lips, Sirius ground down again, harder, longer, letting free a small moan. Remus closed his eyes and sought out Sirius’s lips again as his thrusts quickened. Sirius frequently missed contact with Remus’s cock altogether. It was frantic, erratic, infuriating.
“Slow down, would you? We're not in school now, you know.”
Sorry,” Sirius chuckled, “I just, I have no idea what I’m doing but if it feels good, do it. Right?”
“Not quite, apparently,” Remus teased. “Have you ever…”
“Nope.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to ask.”
“Doesn’t matter. If it’s something that involves another man, the answer’s no.” It was said flippantly, but Remus could see the slight tightness around his mouth, the nervous way he glanced away.
Remus tried to sit up, but Sirius was in the way. He pressed a hand firmly to Sirius’s chest in wordless request, but still he remained in place. Remus looked up into a worried, hurt face and it took a moment for realisation to dawn.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He kissed him again, pouring every ounce of his sincerity into it. “I just… Take your shirt off. And lay on the bed.”
“Like being in charge, do you Moony?” Sirius said with a grin as he stood and pulled his shirt over his head.
Remus did the same, standing to make room for Sirius to lay down first. He climbed onto the bed, leaning awkwardly over Sirius. “If that’s what works for you, Padfoot.”
Sirius groaned as Remus put one knee between his legs, rubbing his thigh against Sirius’s clothed cock. “I’m not complaining.”
Remus shifted again, straddling Sirius and grinding their cocks together. Sirius let out a louder moan and Remus couldn’t hold back a soft one of his own.
“That’s it, there’s no rush,” he muttered between kisses, taking up a slow and steady rhythm with his hips. He shivered pleasantly as Sirius’s hands ghosted down his sides to his arse, grabbing hold and spurring him on. They panted into each other’s faces, exchanging kisses, until Remus caught a twinge of discomfort cross Sirius’s features.
He sat up slightly, reaching for Sirius’s flies. “Can I—”
“Thank fuck, yes,” Sirius moaned emphatically. “Thought you’d never ask.”
Remus crawled down the bed a little, enough to be able to wrestle with his trousers, pants and socks. When he threw his clothes aside and looked back to Sirius, he was already laying there naked. As Remus surveyed Sirius, still a little too thin from his time in Azkaban, Sirius was obviously trying not to squirm under the scrutiny.
“You look even better than you did back in school,” Remus reassured as he crawled back up the bed, over Sirius.
“Liar,” Sirius grinned, but Sirius could see the insecurity in his eyes.
“I mean it,” he insisted, and it was only a little bit of a white lie. Remus’s tastes had changed over the years, but so had Sirius changed. He was still a bit too skinny from Azkaban, his skin thin and sallow, but he was tall, broad, strong and elegant yet distinctly masculine.
“Oh shut up, Moony,” Sirius grumbled, pulling Remus back down on top of him and into a kiss. Sirius’s hands found his arse, hips bucking up against him.
“Hang on,” Remus said, crawling forward and stretching over Sirius to reach for his wand. He summoned a bottle of lube from his bedroom, squeezing a little sparingly into his hand. Remus shifted his weight, planting his dry hand beside Sirius’s head and wrapping the other around their cocks. Sirius threw his head back onto the pillow with a moan, but as Remus started to move his hand up and down their lengths, Sirius’s cock slipped free of his grip and fell wetly onto Sirius’s stomach. Sirius wriggled, working his hand between them and completing Remus’s grip. They moved together, sliding their hands up and down their lengths, bucking into the tight channel made by their clasped hands.
“Fuck, I’m close,” Sirius breathed out, “You?”
“A bit,” Remus mumbled, tossing his head to try and get his fringe out of his eyes.
“Come with me, Remus.”
Remus let loose a loud moan as he bucked into their fists with increased desperation.
“That’s it. I want to see you come. I want to—fuck, I want everything. I want to touch you, taste you. Can I…” He half-sat up, kissing along Remus’s jaw, nuzzling against his ear. It was strangely gentle, given that Sirius was simultaneously leaving bruised fingerprints on Remus’s hip. “Would you let me, ah, fuck you, someday? Do you like that?”
“Ngh, yes, I—ah! Want…” Sirius’s words and the slide of their cocks was too heady a combination. Remus felt like an incoherent idiot, but he was too gone to care.
“And you can fuck me. Uhh, I want you to fuck me, like this. Hard and desperate and per-ohh! Perf—” Sirius fell back onto the bed, rhythm stuttering, and he let out a long moan as he came. Remus followed him over the edge, face buried in Sirius’s neck, panting desperately.
Remus couldn’t move. Didn’t want to, more to the point. Their come was rapidly cooling, however, and would soon become unpleasant. With a displeased grunt, Remus half-rolled to the side, reaching out blindly for his wand. He waved out a cleaning charm and dropped it onto the nightstand, turning back into Sirius’s arms. Sirius pulled him close, shifting about to get comfortable.
A moment after he finally settled, Sirius brought his hand up, gently running his thumb along Remus’s jaw and across his cheek. Remus looked up at him, and Sirius smiled softly, his eyes swimming with emotion.
“Just making sure you’re real,” he said, wistfully.
“I was the last time that I checked,” Remus smiled, resting his head back on Sirius’s shoulder. Sirius chuckled and squeezed him a little tighter.
“We’ll be alright,” Sirius yawned, “Moony and the dog-star. Star-crossed lovers, in every sense of the term. We’re meant to be, Remus, so everything will work out. You’ll see.” He gave another small yawn, already starting to fall asleep.
It was a load of nonsense, and he was pretty sure Sirius didn’t really believe it anyway. He would try, though, to do as Sirius had suggested: make the most of now. One day at a time and, maybe, they’d be alright.
Remus drifted off to sleep, with a smile on his lips and a lightness in his heart, for the first night of many.
Fin
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2016-12-26 08:05 pm (UTC)“Just making sure you’re real,” he said, wistfully.
Ugh, that line killed me. thanks so much for writing this! <3
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Date: 2016-12-28 02:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-27 01:39 am (UTC)P.S. Is there an open italic tag somewhere?
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Date: 2016-12-28 02:36 pm (UTC)Thank you! I do like primary-canon compliant wolfstar so this was a bit of a sneaky personal indulgence, but I also wanted to leave it open ended, so if you prefer to read this as future AU-everyone-lives, I wholeheartedly encourage it ;)
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Date: 2016-12-27 12:20 pm (UTC)I just have to love that bit about Sirius' hair and how he spent more time on it than Lily with her wardrobe and hair!Ahahahha!
Great confession from Remus there, wishing he wasn't in love with an oblivious idiot, oh my! Of course seeing things not working out was a very realistic route considering that they must have had a hard time being friends after the Snape incident. Great sex scene too, whew wheeeew!!
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Date: 2016-12-28 04:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-28 05:21 am (UTC)You had me at the summary: I love stories that dal seriously with all the regrets and insecurities that would have come with a late-in-life revelation and getting together. Remus in denial, Sirius "missing the transition" and not really knowing his own heart--I'm right there with them, the way you've framed it in this fic. Lovely! Thank you! M.
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Date: 2017-01-02 03:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-29 02:20 pm (UTC)And this:
This was Sirius. Flawed, charming, imperfect, real Sirius. The finesse could come later.
The perfect example of it.
Just a fabulous read. Lovely job.
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Date: 2017-01-02 03:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-30 07:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-02 03:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-30 11:44 pm (UTC)I also loved the honesty of it all, especially this bit:“Moony,” Sirius said softly, hand coming to rest over Remus’s, thumb rubbing soothing circles against his bare wrist. “You did keep me sane, but it wasn’t about clearing my name.” Sirius slips onto the floor, shuffling in front of Remus, hands still covering his. “It was just about seeing you again. Knowing you were okay, maybe being there for you on the moon again. And perhaps—Well, no. There’s nothing uncertain about it. I was… I was hoping that it wasn’t too late. That we might still have a chance at… something.” That rang so true for me.
Great story!
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Date: 2017-01-02 03:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-31 01:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-02 03:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-03 02:40 am (UTC)And so HOT! I love the perfect imperfectness of them together, their clumsiness and hesitation and then desperation! Unf, so good.
<333
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Date: 2017-01-04 01:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-04 05:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-05 12:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-15 08:09 pm (UTC)I adored this part so much:
“I suppose I meant it at the time, yes.” He glances at Sirius, but he can’t bring himself to really look at him. He stares instead at Sirius’s too-big, worn out, hand-me-down shoes. He wondered why Sirius needed to drag all this up, now. Remus would much rather let sleeping dragons lie.
“That you loved me or—” he took a deep breath, “Or that you wished you didn’t.”
Remus’s voice was barely above a whisper as he closed his eyes and answered. “Both.”
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Date: 2017-01-16 03:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-25 12:12 pm (UTC)Loved this! ♥
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Date: 2017-01-26 07:24 pm (UTC)