FIC: In Lines of Charcoal for leafyaki

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Title: In Lines of Charcoal
Author: paulamcg
Written for: leafyaki
Beta: The amazing [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]. Thank you once again for the priceless inspiration, help and encouragement.
Rating: PG for touching
Prompt: All the three prompts: 1. "One imparts an intimate smile, /One chews a grass, one lowers his eyes, bashful, /One is ridiculous with cocky pride – /Six months after this picture they were all dead." - Ted Hughes, 'Six Young Men'
2. Anything to do with winter clothing and the cold
3. Anything to do with artistic boys
Summary: In December 1995 Remus rests in Sirius’s arms at the setting of the full moon. He draws new sketches, and trusts that there is still life waiting for the two of them.
Other notes: This piece can stand on its own, but it also belongs to the story I tell in all my fanfiction.





In Lines of Charcoal




In the beginning there is the touch of a forehead against mine. Sensing all my dimensions with him as a measure, for the first time ever I receive the gifts of my renewed mind and body secure in the knowledge of who I am. He’s been reckless, not only in once again escaping the house. I love him.

Thanks to him there’s no warm trickle of blood from wounds, and I can ignore the echo of the transformation pain still pulsating through me – all I have to do is open my eyes. The first light of dawn draws his eyebrows and hollow cheeks like in lines of charcoal. Yes, this elusive sight will remain another treasure to be transferred into a new sketch for the portrait I’ve been trying to craft secretly. Now I can no longer see more than the shock of his hair against a blurry white background, and white flakes in the black. He is breathing his heat against my neck.

“So tired,” he mumbles. “And you must be.”

In December the night is long for a dog plagued by the human sense of time. In his company I, in turn, have again approached a connection with the wolf’s differently conscious mind... as mine, almost. I’ll be able to relive some of the pleasure. But this is not the moment to do that – when my furless body inevitably contacts with the frozen ground, despite his attempts to protect me.

Our bodies are so entangled that there’s no doubt he’s been holding me close all through the change. What if the two of us are now irrevocably twirled into one? No, he separates himself, also unfastens the cloak from around his shoulders and wraps it around me only.

I feel too weak and too blessed to protest when he struggles to lift me up, then stumbles down the slope. The dog has guided me wisely: there are only a few yards to the old sheep shed where we stayed a month ago until my body became stable enough for Apparition.

Now we are finding warmth in each other, under this thick fine fabric. He asked me to get a cloak like this for him with his gold, and only I wear it, except these nights when neither of us can resist ignoring Dumbledore’s orders – which keep him in the house, and me mainly away from him.

“I wish,” he says, “we could just not go back.”

I stop myself from saying why I need to be back in the house soon: only in order to leave once again without him. I don’t want him to worry about my next mission. I could say we are both needed in this new war – that Harry needs us. But he’s too concerned about Harry, as well, uselessly. All that concern, while the isolation in the house that frightens him hardly allows him to recover from the horrors of his lost years. And I’m too tired to think, but I know I’m already scared. Due to the full moon, last night has been the only time in the month when we could hope there would be nobody around hunting fugitives. Despite the threat outside of and within him, I often catch myself rejoicing in the home I’ve finally found in this love.

He now turns his face up, to look for a response in mine. The only one I can give is lips pressed hard over his mouth. My mind closes in a circle of concern around his.



It’s not long before Christmas when I’m allowed to return to him. I’m selfish enough to feel a jolt of joy as well when I hear from Dumbledore that there’s no one else in the house – that Harry, too, is supposed to spend the holidays at the Weasleys’. My silly cheerfulness is overshadowed by distress as soon as I enter the frigid gloom. How could I expect the shine of my brilliant Sirius’s extraordinary lights to welcome me – the charmed benevolent moon on the top of his tree?

An icy draft guides me to the backyard door, and I find him where I once took him to sit – when it was still summer. He must have heard me enter, as he’s not startled when I say his name, step close behind him, and ruffle his hair. The stone steps are not exactly inviting, but I move ahead to sit down next to him – and have to pick up a book left lying right there… No, it’s the album with the corny picture of two puppies on the cover.

“You’ve decided to look at the photos, after all,” I say.

Could he finally have agreed to let these few pictures I kept through all those years help him regain more vivid memories?

His face is covered by a veil of unwashed hair, and he still does not react by turning his head.

“No,” he says. “I hate photographs. Muggle photos – the garish colours. And the silly movements in the magical ones – they repeat in my mind and I can’t see anything real. But that thing… your great art… that’s worse.”

He reaches to grab the album from me and that’s when I see the ragged cuffs he’s pulled over his hands from under the sleeves of his robes. He’s wearing my ancient sweatshirt, the one that was falling apart and that I ditched on his demand.

Perhaps that’s not such a bad sign. He’s talking more than usual, too, and I can’t see any bottle. Finally back so close to him I find it hard not to cling to the hope that there’s life still waiting for both of us, shared life.

“I just,” he continues, pressing the album against his chest, “wanted to touch this.”

“You’ve made great progress in touching since I got you back in June,” I say playfully, lifting my arm across his shoulders and reaching to stroke his face. When I feel him tremble I can no longer hold myself back. I try to pull him into a tight embrace, but he remains stiff.

“That is worse,” he repeats.

Uncomprehending, I stare ahead, then lower my eyes – and end up following his persistent gaze. There’s a sheet of thin paper on the patch of snow in front of his feet. It takes an effort not to focus on the fact that he’s wearing only slippers, no socks.

For a brief moment I’m afraid he’s found some of my recent secret drafts. But no, this sketch has fallen from between the pages. I bend to pick it up. He shudders, and when I turn to examine his face, he’s closed his eyes.

Instead, four young men stare at me from this quick charcoal drawing I must have made in May 1981. There’s hardly any perceptible movement here, as I hadn’t quite mastered the magic of real portraits yet. Besides, my three best friends did not exactly pose for me, not to mention allowing a physical and emotional contact at the moment of drawing the final lines.

Peter’s suspicious frown is frozen and lifeless like the stalk of grass between his teeth: in the charcoal stroke there’s nothing left of the once hopeful green of spring. The stiffness in James’s originally relaxed, cocky pose is as uncompromising as that in the tree trunk against which he leans, with his arms crossed over his proud chest. The other two are sitting on the ground side by side, not quite touching. The aspiring artist himself – for a moment carefree, despite the war, and finally bold enough to attempt a tentative self-portrait: newly emerged from a winter’s hardships he believes can’t be surpassed, his figure is frail and the eyes too big… Yes, here I catch a silly movement, as Sirius has just called them: while the fingers of the artist’s free hand stealthily brush those of his lover on the lawn, he lowers his eyes – not bashfully, and just for a second, to depict the two hands, perhaps the movement, as right now he’s in full contact with his emotions, happy in his mind and body – whereas his incredible Sirius… This is the smile I carried with me through the years, as a proof that he had once loved me.

“What I am now,” he says, “is not more alive than they here.”

Before I manage to reply, his eyes open and the sullen statement is followed by more fervent words. “I don’t want to leave behind another twitch of a smile like that. Don’t ever touch me when you draw, if you can’t just give up drawing me. So perhaps you’ll remember me – all of me like this.”

“I do remember and I will remember everything as long as I have my human mind, and with your help, perhaps the wolf will share the ability, too…” I’m talking too much, but I can’t leave it at this. “But that’s not the point. It’s no time for remembering, at least not for remembering this – here and now… This is where we are living and we’ll continue to live a better life, too, yours and mine.”

“For me it is – it’s all about remembering or not remembering. I still just gather memories of you right here and now. Can you understand: each little thing you do… it carves its marks – too significant marks in the empty mind I was left with.”

“Perhaps because I’m your significant other, and you’re mine.” I throw that in too easily, almost cheerfully, compared with the breathless desperation in his nonsensical argument. I don’t want to believe that his mind is so hopelessly damaged – that he can’t even realise mine doesn’t work like that. Perhaps I’m growing impatient, because I’ve been out in the cold for too long, for too many years. Whereas he… well, the cold has inhabited him. “Please, let’s go in, and under some warm covers. I’ll hide this silly sketch. But you shouldn’t declare you hate all art. I know you still can’t remember – but I made a real portrait of you, a water colour, just before… I mean, at the end of October back then. In that painting you were definitely more than a twitch of a smile. I lost it at the same time when I thought I lost you forever. But just because I worked on countless sketches of you, and I was so ambitious about the magic of moving images in the background, too, that it took me months – to capture the change in those birch trees next to our balcony (and I promise someday we’ll go together and check how they have grown) – just because of my devotion to that work, I have never been able to forget a single detail in you… ”

And now I manage to stop. To stop myself from saying, “Not even when I wanted to believe you were dead – that all these four young men were dead.”

Standing abruptly, I grab his arms, which are still squeezing the puppies, and I pull him up and close, under the cloak. When I no longer hesitate to rub his skin, and to trace all the lines of his face with my lips, I trust that I can show him the two of us as very much alive.

Comments

[leafyaki.livejournal.com]

EEEEEEEE!!! THANK YOU! Oh my gosh where to start?

I LOVE how you interpreted the lines! I had imagined them in different positions, wondering how you were gonna depict them, and ohhh the written work far surpasses what I thought! I like how the grass in Peter's mouth is withered like winter, and in contrast Sirius's smile is just beautiful and real and Remus always remembers that. And oh, indeed, six months later they all died in different ways, didn't they? ;___;

This: He reaches to grab the album from me and that’s when I see the ragged cuffs he’s pulled over his hands from under the sleeves of his robes. He’s wearing my ancient sweatshirt, the one that was falling apart and that I ditched on his demand.

Sirius wearing one of Remus's sweatshirts just makes me squee in all kinds of different ways. It's like he's trying to feel Remus close to him again, I don't know how to explain it, but it makes me feel sad but also warm and fuzzy at the same time.

And I adore the love and hope at the end. This: (and I promise someday we’ll go together and check how they have grown) is such a beautiful and hopeful touch. And Sirius hugging the puppies, just wanting to touch something makes me heart wrench hard.

What a lovely gift of just the right amount of angst, hope and love!! I adore it, thank you so much!! *LOVES*

[lotrwariorgodss.livejournal.com]

Oh dear...*sniffle*...poor Sirius. Really, it's almost unfair how much we see of his story in OotP when he's left all alone, depressed out of his mind. You did a lovely job of portraying that desperation, self-disgust, that walking-dead feeling he was no doubt having. But your Remus gave us a little hope that he might be able to heal him - whatever it takes, Remus, you do it! I can stand to see a pretty boy so sad. Lovely entry!

[minnow-53.livejournal.com]

This is a very rich story, though I can't quite explain what I mean. Perhaps it's the wealth of lovely and intricate detail, especially Peter’s suspicious frown is frozen and lifeless like the stalk of grass between his teeth: in the charcoal stroke there’s nothing left of the once hopeful green of spring.

I'm so happy that you end on a hopeful note! I mean, we all know how canon ends, but there's always the possibility that one day the characters can escape from their fates and go a different way. Your self-contained universe is perfect for allowing us that bit of hope... All in all, a lovely story.

[roterhimmel.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, this is a random comment but I just have to squeal: ANOTHER KH FAN!!! *squeals*

[roterhimmel.livejournal.com]

Um. Wow. I'm sorry I can't come up with anything else but that. Just. Lovely.

[leafyaki.livejournal.com]

Ohhh no problem at all! I think I remember seeing you posting in the axelxroxas community, so happy to see a KH fan! KH AND RS fan! :D

[fullmoon-dreams.livejournal.com]

Very sad, but absolutely beautiful.

I have always believed that the loss of his memories must be even worse than the loss of so much of his life. I can understand both his point of view and Remus's when it comes to the sketches and drawings, which just makes it all the more tragic. I'm glad there is a little bit of hope at the end though.

[lyras.livejournal.com]

This is a lovely, thoughtful piece; as always with your writing, I feel as if I want to read it several times to really get the most from it.

What if the two of us are now irrevocably twirled into one?

I love this line. To me it expresses perfectly Remus's confusion after his transformation, as well as just how solicitous Sirius has been of him.

Poor Sirius, so ...(I can't quite come up with the right word, so I'll settle for) "reproached" by the drawing of the four of them, and by his own ghostly existence.

This is the smile I carried with me through the years, as a proof that he had once loved me.

A lovely detail.

Like Minnow I loved the description of Peter, which says so much and is so vivid - and the interpretation of the prompt in the picture fits perfectly. The ending is so very wistful and hopeful; I do like to think that Remus managed to comfort Sirius during their year at no. 12 Grimmauld Place.

I also loved the idea that Remus is collecting sketches for a new portrait. Have you by any chance written more about the completion of that yet?

[laroseminuit.livejournal.com]

Remus as an artist is something I can't resist. I also love your idea about how magical paintings work. The level of detail in this piece is amazing. I could almost breathe the cold air.
"To stop myself from saying, “Not even when I wanted to believe you were dead – that all these four young men were dead.”" <-- favorite line. I can't decide who had it worse during those twelve years: Sirius, who couldn't think about the happy times without losing them, or Remus, who couldn't think about the happy times without feeling betrayed.

[secretsolitaire.livejournal.com]

Very moving.

[werewolfsfan.livejournal.com]

This is intricate and deep. There's a very intimate feeling in their interactions and I especially love how it begins with Remus receiving comfort from Sirius' embrace and it ends with Remus taking Sirius into his arms.

[mindabbles.livejournal.com]

How very lovely. It was so interesting, and right, how Sirius could be so loving and present with Remus in the first scene, but then seem so disconnected in the second. It squeezed my heart that he simply wanted to hold the album (with puppies on it!). Remus' hope was beautiful. Very nice!

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you for an overwhelming comment! I’m so happy this little story appealed to you. I was a bit unsure this time. (Am I not always, at least at some point in the writing and publishing process?) To start with, I doubted you meant this type of artistic at all (even though you said, “Anything to do… ”) – while your prompt was immediately my first choice due to the fact that my Remus is an artist. I’m also almost addicted to making my characters feel cold. Finally, the poem prompt turned out unexpectedly useful.

I’m thrilled the positions in the old picture seem to have far from disappointed you. Thank you for making me realise that the order in which I show the four boys emphasises the contrast between Peter and Sirius. I first considered a sketch made at their last Christmas or New Year’s together, but a spring scene allowed me to follow the “six months” detail, too, and worked probably at least as well.

Oh, it warms my heart that the sweatshirt makes you squee! In fact, Remus didn’t have too many sweatshirts, and I’m glad (sneaky?) Sirius found this one worth keeping and wearing, after all.

It’s so rewarding to hear that you appreciate details like that one – and even the parenthesis. I was afraid my Remus got carried away too far, but at the same time I saw some symbolic significance in his talk about the trees having grown – as well as a particularly strong sign of hope in his concrete promise. You made me so happy by telling me it worked for you. And the puppies, too! This photo album first appeared in a LLAL story I wrote in early 2005, and later when writing a lost-years story I discovered what its cover looked like.

Thank you so much again for all your lovely, generous words and for the squees – mine, too! Yes, you made me go EEEEEEEE!!!

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. Yes, Remus still sees the beauty even though his pretty boy has grown and changed, and he’s determined to help him heal. Thank you for your praise – and for the encouragement you offer to Remus!

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I’m thrilled you’ve found wealth in this piece. Now that I read the quote of that particular line I have to wonder whether there’s some unnecessary wordiness, even repetition in it. But (particularly after your and another reader’s mention of it) I have to trust it works within the text: at the point when Remus can’t help registering details and how they function – and don’t function – in his old work.

Your comment helps me become aware of the interpretation that (at this point) Remus thinks there’s no hope for Peter – while there is hope for himself and Sirius. You know I don’t care about how canon ends – even though I don’t deny the end of OotP. Thank you once again for receiving my writing so sensitively and for commenting so thoughtfully.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Oh, yours is just a perfectly lovely comment! Thank you so much. I’m also glad you’ve met a fellow fan on my thread, though I have no idea what KH stands for.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I’m so happy the sadness wasn’t too much for you, since (Renus or) I was determined to offer enough hope.

My puppies are rather tragic characters, and in my post-PoA stories I’ve made quite a lot out of the notion that Azkaban made Sirius lose memories. Here it becomes obvious that Remus and Sirius can’t fully understand each other’s views, so I’m thrilled that both can make sense to you.

[roterhimmel.livejournal.com]

*g*
I was always looking at your icon and thinking... wait, that can't be one from HP... doesn't make sense... and then I though, 'WTF ROXAS AND SORA', then I checked their eye colour and BAM there it was. I'm so happy to see another KH fan :D So you like Akuroku?

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your lovely, thoughtful comment! As always with sensitive, wise readers, I’m happy about the reaction evoked by my writing.

After the former scene had hardly been mentioned in the first few comments I was thrilled you quoted such an early line, confirming that the depiction of the full-moon (or rather the morning-after) interaction possibly served a purpose in the whole of the story, too, and at least worked separately. My beta and I questioned whether the two scenes actually needed each other, but we didn’t have the heart to ditch either. You also made me aware of how the single line told us a lot about both Remus and Sirius. In the first paragraphs I implied that this was the first time Sirius was reckless (and caring) enough to transform back into a man and hold Remus like that all through the change from the wolf form to the man form.

Now it occurred to me that Sirius, Remus or an R/S fan could be reproached by Peter’s presence in an old picture. I’m glad that my Sirius’s focus on himself – as well as the vivid image of Peter (in his frozen pose) – worked for you. I was surprised how well the poem prompt turned out to fit.

The lovely detail of Remus carrying a proof of Sirius’s love through the so-called lost years derives from my stories set between 1981 and PoA. I – together with my Remus – do like to think that he managed to comfort Sirius: that the love was still there, and that the two of them managed to live it somehow, too, if not ideally, due to the far-from-ideal circumstances. But no, I haven’t written about the completion of the new portrait yet, and I still doubt Remus even attempted at the completion in time. Perhaps he was too considerate and patient, and followed Sirius’s request not to touch him while painting. This is hinted at by the significance given to my post-OotP Remus to the watercolour of late October 1981. (His work on that real portrait is shown in this excerpt (http://paulamcg.livejournal.com/24035.html) (memory scene) from the post-OotP story.)

I’ve enjoyed and admired your gift fic – so glad ours were made public on the same day, but too busy to have crafted a comment to do justice to your writing yet.

[leafyaki.livejournal.com]

:D Yessum, the icon I'm currently using says all X) I was reading the list of fics people recommended you and my options of recommending were slowly cut down one by one until I needed to find new ones to recommend! *saddened*

So yep, I certainly do! Oh, and cause paulamcg asked in one of the comments further down, KH is "Kingdom Hearts", an awesome game (:

[leafyaki.livejournal.com]

:D You certainly did tie the three prompts together very nicely, I'm awed at that X) So yep, do banish the doubts, I adore this fic!

Your Remus is an artist...I must read all your fics, now.

Once again, thank you!!! XD

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Oh, I’m so happy, if you truly can’t resist my Remus. There is not much about making art in most of my short stories, whereas this piece (http://paulamcg.livejournal.com/24035.html) is about his work on the real portrait he tells Sirius about here, and in my post-OotP WiP I’ve gradually developed my idea of magical art (Magic of Images – and I’m thrilled the idea works for you!) Still, I hope that my Remus-pov writing can at least at times give you clearly the impression that you are seeing the world through an artist’s eyes. The level – perhaps also some evocative quality in the choice – of detail can possibly be attributed to his sensitivity and awareness. I’m thrilled you seem to have felt you are right there, sharing the reality he lives.

Thank you so much also for letting me know that you liked particularly the line which somewhat unexpectedly referred to the so-called lost years. I’d say that my Remus is convinced Sirius had it worse. Remus doesn’t even think of his years (during which he had some healing experiences, too, in addition to quite an amount of misery, and reached some kind of reconciliation) as lost: he rather refers to them as his years of drifting. (Even though lost-years fic is a central “genre” for me) this must be the very first time I use the term “lost years” in a fic – and it refers to Sirius’s years.,

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I’m happy to know this piece touched you.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your generous praise and thoughtful words! At some points I had some doubts about the simple and eventually hopeless love story I seemed to have written – instead of having touched wider, social themes. You make me realise what a climax I’ve here reached in my usually extremely subtle and ambiguous R/S story, of which I’ve often shown episodes when the two men are physically absent from each other’s lives. Here Remus takes it for granted that he can interact with Sirius intimately. In the first scene Sirius doesn’t hesitate either. Thank you so much also for pointing out an essential connection between the two scenes – between the very opening and the closing of the piece, too!

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your lovely comment. ishonn and I were not quite sure there was strong enough a connection between the two scenes, so I’m thrilled that you found it exactly in the theme of varying connection between Remus and Sirius! It’s also reassuring that you regard the change in Sirius’s ability to connect (with Remus, and perhaps with his own feelings for him) as both interesting and justified, or understandable. Now your mention of the detail of the puppy-covered album makes me wonder if Sirius’s urge to hold it hints that he can find the connection more easily when they are in their canine forms, or (close to) changing, and when he knows that his love and presence helps Remus. In all his hopefulness Remus can’t or doesn’t want to understand how hard it is for Sirius to believe in any shared life waiting for the men they are now or can become - to believe that they can offer enough to each other.

[cindergal.livejournal.com]

This is really lovely. Your writing is very poetic. I love that even though we see how much both have lost, they are each able to bring comfort when the other most needs it.

[taigne.livejournal.com]

I read this a few days ago and didn't have time to comment, so I had to come back and read it again! I love all your fic, it's so vivid and alway sucks me right it, this one very much so.

I think the first person is very well used, it takes the reader right in too experience all Remus' worries and hesitations and know exactly what he sees.

I love the dialogue too, it's full of real things people say, and I can really hear them saying it all. I think my favourite line is:

"Can you understand: each little thing you do… it carves its marks – too significant marks in the empty mind I was left with.”

Which really sums up what Remus means to Sirius, and maybe it's not all good, but he thinks he needs it. You show a very real and multi-faceted relationship, is what I think I'm trying to say! It's brill, and thank you for writing!

[brighty18.livejournal.com]

This was really incredible, my dear. You conveyed such a powerful sense of true love and infinite understanding on both sides.

Our bodies are so entangled that there’s no doubt he’s been holding me close all through the change. What if the two of us are now irrevocably twirled into one? No, he separates himself, also unfastens the cloak from around his shoulders and wraps it around me only.

Melts...

I love atist!Remus and the significance of the drawing(s) as opposed to photographs and what they speak of truth. Oh, and poor fragile Sirius who is still able to give so much during full moons. You paint such a beautifully believable portrait of his mental state post-Azkaban. I never see him as insane, just... damaged in some ways. Like PTSD, I guess. But still so able to love and to give and to understand!

Truly lovely and uplifting!! This may just be my favorite thing I've read so far!

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I regard poetic combined with something like raw and truthful as high praise. I want to avoid blatant poetic tricks and hope that my careful (partly spontaneous, partly conscious) choice of words can help sensitive readers approach some kind of truths. First-person (and present-tense) narrative has been my favourite technique in short stories for some years now (and perhaps I should try something else, too, even though within my Remus’s story it must also make some sense not to change the style too drastically). You are the first one to even mention the technique in a comment on this piece (although I learnt a long time ago that there’s some prejudice against it in the fandom), so I’ve assumed it’s worked here, too. It is heart-warming to receive explicit positive feedback on this feature, too. My Remus is quite a rewarding viewpoint character: he makes accurate observations and is well enough in touch with his emotions. Perhaps he also loves Sirius well enough to manage to convey his emotions, too – at least to give us the illusion that he understands them. Thank you again for an inspiring comment. (I’m sorry it’s taken me several days to find the time to start replying to these last few comments.)

[roterhimmel.livejournal.com]

Har har! You don't want to know how MANY fictions I've recently read that really did me in, about Akuroku. I even kind of abandoned Riku/Sora (which was my first KH-couple I ever liked (back before the days of KH1 when I was all Kairi/Sora))... and Akuroku is just, nghuidhgkn. Or something. If you need some recs just call me I shall happily deliver you pages full of it *g*

(and, uh, I hope we don't spam this thread?)

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

I was and am thrilled you commented again. And I’m sorry it’s taken me several days to start replying to the last few comments. Your very first squee was enough to banish my doubts. When someone has received my writing so well – and particularly the someone whose prompts I worked on – I’m convinced the story has served its purpose. Thank you for your further reassurances in any case. There can never be too many words of love.

I’ll be ever happier, if you want to meet my Remus again. Links to all my fanfiction – which all forms one story of Remus’s life – can be found in my profile (http://paulamcg.livejournal.com/profile). This piece (http://paulamcg.livejournal.com/24035.html) is about Remus’s work on the real portrait in October 1981, and his identity as an artist is central in the drabble series Sketches for a Portrait (http://paulamcg.livejournal.com/19126.html). Alrhough there isn’t so much about actual painting in most of my short stories, I trust he is always the kind of artistic boy you can love. Each fic can stand on its own, so you can read in any order. Thank you again!

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I’m happy you find my writing so poetic, and that this piece also works for you. Besides, you help me become more aware of something essential in the contents. Your mention of the comforting and the needing is particularly reassuring after some doubts about how well the two scenes fit together.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for reading and for also coming back! I’m thrilled you found this piece worth reading twice. (While I’ve hardly found time to read and comment on any of this year’s gift fic yet) I’m always immensely grateful to readers for simply letting me know that my writing has been received. Detailed comments like yours are particular treasures, of course. And you say you’ve loved other fics by me, too!

I’m so glad my firs-person writing works for you. My aim is exactly to take the reader right there to share the viewpoint character’s experience. Convincing dialogue has always been a challenge for me, so it’s reassuring that in your view I’ve here achieved real things people say. The line you quoted was, in fact, partly based on what Sirius (as the first-person viewpoint character) thought in His Face Shines in the Gloom of My Parents’ House (http://www.livejournal.com/users/paulamcg/4940.html), so it’s good to know that like this it worked as something he could say aloud.

I can only love your interpretation (if I understand you correctly, in turn) that Sirius believes he needs what Remus means to him: perhaps needs him as his partner (significant other) even though the relationship must be far from ideal.

Thank you again for all your overwhelming praise. Well, I admit I need what it means to me.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It is comforting to hear that a reader can sense the love depicted here as true. and the partners’ mutual understanding as infinite – despite the inevitable obstacles and failures.

You make me aware of how Sirius seems to be less fragile – even less damaged, at least less inclined to distancing himself from (his feelings for) Remus – only when Remus obviously needs him. Or could his ability to love and give and understand be connected to their staying (having just stayed) in their canine forms? In my GoF-era and OotP-era short stories I’ve also enjoyed using Sirius’s own first-person voice to show that Azkaban left him more damaged than he appears in Harry’s eyed, particularly in GoF. My Sirius actually doubted he was totally sane (felt he needed to act sane to be what James’s son needed).

I’m thrilled that my artist!Remus and his art works for you. It’s good to know that drawings’ significance has convinced you. despite the effortless-looking strengths in magical photography as we see it in the HP books.

Oh, thank you again for your lovely, truly uplifting praise!

[brighty18.livejournal.com]

I always imagine that that very idea being needed gives Sirius some sense of structure/direction/purpose which keeps him focused and would make him feel more "sane." Madness creeps up in moments of loneliness and alienation rather than when one is busy and feeling important. Poor Sirius.

And isn't awareness (or fear) of madness a sign of being well-enough to function? Self-realization is hugely important, is it not?

I'd love to read more of your work. Do you have a link?

It's funny about art in the wizarding world. As an (amateur) photographer I find the concept of wizarding photography rather annoying. The beauty of photographs is they play with light/shadow and capture a single image at a single moment in time. Wizarding photographs rather ruin that. So what is role of creativity in that process? And isn't it at least mildly disturbing that your subject moves and performs actions outside of your control? Wizard paintings seem the same way. Meh! That's one of the many reasons why I think that Remus' art worked so well and was so significant. He managed to be engage it on a very meaningful level.

[a_shadow_there.livejournal.com]

Your writing is just beautiful. There's so much pain here, but still hope. Just…beautiful, really.

xxx

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for still replying. Yes, you remind me of how clear it is from Harry’s (canon) perspective, too, that Sirius is in a better shape at times when he feels needed. And yes, the awareness of not being in best mental health possibly helps Sirius brace himself and act usefully when necessary, but such awareness can also increase the pain.

Oh, I’ll be happy, if you find the time for reading more by me and even consider some of the pieces worth comments! You can find the links to all my fanfiction in my profile (http://paulamcg.livejournal.com/profile). The short stories, the few drabbles and the novel-in-progress all form one story, but each of them can be read separately as well.

I’ve felt that the magic concerning pictures in JKR’s world looks both too vague and too much. It’s rewarding to hear that my idea of Magic of Images can make visual art look significant without contradicting canon too disturbingly. Thank you again!

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your heart-warming words! I can’t help feeling happy I’ve managed to write about pain beautifully, and I never want to deprive my characters or readers of all hope.

[lazy-neutrino.livejournal.com]

that all these four young men were dead.

Such a beautiful and heart=breaking story. Your descriptions of James and especially of Peter in the picture brought back to me so strongly the tragedy of these four. A lovely story.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I’m particularly happy to learn that the descriptions of James and Peter can work so well – reminding the reader of the whole of the Marauders’ tragedy.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your further comment. I’ve always enjoyed discussing what helps stories work, not only how much the contents fit the reader’s preconceptions and preferences.

In my first fanfic I used (and still use, as it’s still a WiP – now a huge one) third-person and past-tense narrative. But in short stories the first person has never been a burden for me, on the contrary: I’ve found it most natural and fruitful not to distance myself or the readers from the character’s experience more than he does himself. Perhaps the problems you mention are related to combining the past tense with the first person – or just to the writer’s tender age.

[blackliquorice.livejournal.com]

Remus as an artist is interesting. I like that.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for commenting. I’m glad that the idea of making Remus into an artist appeals to and interests you. My Remus simply started sketching a portrait of Hedwig when I was writing chapter two of my first fanfic in September 2003, and I’ve kept developing the characterisation as including that artistic feature ever since.

[epithalamium]

Finally! I saved your one-shot fics in a Word Document so I can read them back home (I go to internet cafes because I don't have connection of my own right now) and I only got to comment today. *sigh*

But on to more important things:
My dear, you paint scenes and emotions in the same way that I imagine your Remus paints pictures. Your words flow very smoothly, very elegant and beautiful, and you choose your details to set up a scene with a quiet vengeance!

I love your Remus, actually, and I get a feeling from what I've read that you care very much about your (well, Rowling's really, but who cares?) characters in a way that I never really felt from the canon books. This is probably a bad way of complementing anyone, but well, I really love how you explore the psyche of each of your characters.

Also, the way that you described the first war is just amazing. This is exactly why I don't agree with people when they say that the books are really just kiddie stuff. And this is also why I must admit more fondness for the first generation than Harry's own. With Remus and the rest, the war against Voldemort is still an uncertain thing. They have no idea what his weaknesses are, if he has any. It's all fear and vagueness and danger, and unlike Harry, who knew that the Dark Lord had failed once and can fail again, Remus and his friends didn't even have that reassurance.

You write of the first war as if it was a sort of creeping shadow, looming over their existence, real and a great threat. And you write of these people facing that, and you give us a better idea of how really brave they are, and I really love it!

Now I'm off to read more... :)

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you so so much for reading about my Remus, for telling me you love him, and for all the other beautiful and thoughtful words about my writing.

I’m so sorry to hear you have trouble getting online – while it’s wonderful to know you have saved my stories so as to read them at home. Thank you for spending some of your internet time on commenting. Feedback always means a lot to me, and what you offer is essential and inspiring (so that I can’t help looking forward to more).

Yes, I do care about the characters a lot. I actually enjoy (trying my best to share) the illusion that they are completely real, with full lives of which I show glimpses in my stories. I could not say that I only play with them – and actually not either that they are all Rowling’s so that nothing would belong to me. I’ve developed my Remus for such a long time – on the basis of the little we saw of Lupin in PoA and OotP from Harry’s perspective – and I’ve never wanted to build up contradicting, alternative versions of him. I’m thrilled you love (an outstanding artist like you loves) the way my Remus and I paint!

However, your words about how I describe the first war leave me baffled. I have to even wonder whether you confuse my fic with someone else’s. I write so little about the war (in this piece). In any case I like what you say about the topic – even though (in 1996, when involved in a rebellion against the Ministry) my Remus thinks that the new situation is harder, more confusing – so that he feels sorry for the young people who have to deal with it – compared with the war in his youth, when it seemed clear who was bad and who was good.

Oh yes, your way of complimenting appeals to me. This comment has truly warmed my heart, and I’ll be happy to hear whatever you feel like saying and get the chance to say after meeting my Remus in another piece.

[epithalamium]

I write so little about the war (in this piece).

I'm sorry! That comment goes for the other fics I have read, "Images of the Past" in particular. I just thought it would be best to say it all in one comment instead of flooding your inbox. :)

In the stories that I have read, you didn't really talk about the war directly (as in, like it can be described in a History of Magic class, for one), but that what makes the idea and the war's presence so powerful, I think. Because we only feel it looming instead of seeing it directly.

And I hope to see new stories from you too! (Even though I haven't even read half of what you have already written. I always love having things to look forward to.)

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you for the clarification, and there’s no need at all to apologise! My inbox can’t possibly get too flooded with comments, but it’s also fine to say it all in one.

It’s so wonderfully reassuring to know that the way I let my Remus tell Harry and us about the first war as a part of his life managed to convey its idea and presence to you. When starting to read this reply I was still afraid you’d say that by mistake you’d included something meant for a comment on another fic, a more proper war story by someone else – while I thought it was quite possible that you’d read Images of the Past and/or perhaps Better Stick Together.

I’ve been a bit disturbingly aware of having still not managed to show any concrete first-war situation in a vivid battle scene. On the other hand, even though I’ve been impressed by some such first-war fics, I’ve always felt that depicting the war as a series of confrontations between Death Eaters and young Order members would not be adequate. Or at least in my extrapolation the war was something larger than that – something larger than a game which the Marauders could handle as the major players. This suits my purposes because in my second-war fic – the long post-OotP story – I deal with the roles of (and Remus interactis with) such parts of the magical community, too, which Harry doesn’t learn to know in canon.

I’m thrilled you’ve already read Images of the Past. Thank you so much! Also for encouraging me to write new stories. We’ll see if I still get inspired to writing another short piece before I manage to finally complete the chaptered story, which has reached its final action scenes, although at the moment I’d rather focus on those. Since I’ve now edited the whole long story until this point (and posted chapters one and two), I could soon continue to post it at least friends-locked – particularly if you’d perhaps like to give it a try and then look forward to updates. However, after the revision I still think the opening (first written in 2003) is rather humble compared with how my writing and the story develop later on.