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small_giftsTitle: Where He Needs to Be
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
llpotter
Written for:cherrybrandy370
Rating: PG-13 for a tiny bit of swearing
Prompt: (2) Family (blood or friends)
(3) this quote "i may not have gone where i intended to go, but i think i have ended up where i needed to be" by douglas adams (wrote hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy)
Summary: AU. On a quiet Christmas evening, Sirius reflects.
Any other notes, warnings, etc.: Thanks a million tolesyeuxverts00 for the beta! Oh, and it's a tad bit angsty in case you're looking to avoid that sort of thing.
A fire crackles merrily in the hearth, illuminating the contents of the small room. In an armchair near the fire, Sirius Black sits surveying the scene. At his feet lies the carnage of wrapping paper and ribbons and spell-o-tape. Across the room, Remus lies fast asleep with a tousle haired baby on his chest. The sheer normalcy of the scene strikes Sirius as strange because this Christmas is about as far from normal as they come.
He still can’t believe they’re dead. How could they possibly be dead when they’re smiling at him from their place of honor on the mantel? How can they be dead when he can hear James’s laughter still ringing in his ears and see Lily’s vibrant smile? They’re not dead. He’s simply babysitting with Remus while they take some time off. Soon they’ll come take Harry home and he’ll lure Remus off into the bedroom and everything will be right with the world.
He can’t make himself believe this fantasy though; too much has happened for it to not be all sickeningly real. Sirius stares broodingly into the fire, letting the memories wash over him for the first time since Halloween. He tells himself it’s because he’s been too busy, what with the trials and Harry and trying to pick up the pieces with Remus. Maybe it’s true too. He hasn’t been too afraid to let go of the protection that lack of feeling offers. He’s simply been too busy to mourn his best friend, his brother in all but blood. Maybe if he tells himself enough it’ll even become the truth.
Now it’s time. Sitting here with their son on a holiday that’s supposed to be all about family, he can’t restrain it anymore and the floodgate comes tumbling down.
He starts at Hogwarts, because that’s where it all began after all, and it’s better to remember them that way. James belonged on the Quidditch pitch or executing a prank, not dead in the burning ruins of his home. Lily belonged in a classroom or patrolling the halls with her Head Girl Badge gleaming in the dim light, not crumpled in front of a crib with her son screaming for her in vain.
As much as Sirius would like to stay in the comfort of the old castle, he can’t. The time will come when he will be able to think of them young and alive without their cold, lifeless forms swimming to the forefront, but now is not that time. Now is the time for the past year and everything that went wrong. It hurts like hell, but he can’t stop it now.
All the stupid fights come back. Every word he hurled at Remus in those hateful, hazy days of the summer, every accusing look and every stony silence. The silence was the worst. It was in the silences that he filled in the details of the secret life he imagined Remus was living. It was in the silences that he allowed Peter to drip poison in his ears and into his heart. It was the silences that killed James, murdered Lily, and orphaned Harry.
It was the silences that led to that horrible, horrible Halloween night when the world fell apart. He had gone to check on Peter because something felt wrong. Before he left, he had told Remus where he was going, something he hadn’t done in months, and maybe it was that moment of consideration that saved him later. Peter wasn’t there, of course. He was long gone, off to join his master in what he assumed would be a celebration. It was in Peter’s empty apartment that the knowledge of where James and Lily’s house was suddenly jolted back into his brain and he knew just how much he’d fucked up in trusting Peter.
Sirius doesn’t remember how he got to Godric’s Hollow, although he assumes he rode the motorbike since he had it later in the evening. All he remembers is running into the ruins and seeing James and the horrifying knowledge that he would never awaken again. Time slowed down for those few seconds of realization and then sped up again in a rush of fire and pain and crying from down the caved in hallway. It was the crying that brought him back and he lurched off towards the nursery with his heart in his throat.
Harry. He didn’t know why and he didn’t know how, but Harry was still alive and he had to get to him. Sirius doesn’t know how long he sat there in the destroyed room cradling his godson, but he was startled out of it by Remus’s voice.
“How could you?” He stood in what was left of the doorway, soot and tears on his face and rage in his eyes.
“Remus,” Sirius started, “I… it wasn’t…”
“Your best friend, Sirius, your brother.”
“It wasn’t me Remus. You’ve got to believe me. I would die before I hurt them. We switched, Peter and I, we switched….it was the perfect plan, no one would ever suspect… Oh Merlin, Moony what have I done?”
Sirius still doesn’t know why Remus believed him, although Remus later told him it was utter despair in his voice that told Remus he was telling the truth.
“Come on,” Remus said eventually, “we’ve got to go to Dumbledore.”
“What? No, I’m going to find him Remus. I’m going to find the little rat and make him pay for this. Take Harry and make sure he’s safe.”
“No, Sirius, Padfoot, think about it. Everyone thinks you were the Secret Keeper and then you kill Peter as well? You’ll be shipped off to Azkaban, probably without a trial, and where will that leave Harry?”
“You can tell them I’m innocent Remus.”
“Why would they believe me? I’m a werewolf Sirius. Werewolves aren’t exactly known for their trustworthiness. You of all people should know that.”
“Remus that’s not fair. We can’t let him get away!”
“It’s your decision Sirius and I’ll stand behind you whatever it may be, but think about it. Would James have wanted you to be convicted of murder or would he have wanted you to take care of his son like you vowed to when you became his godfather?”
Hagrid showed up then and Sirius never got the chance to respond, although he supposes Remus got his answer as they sailed off through the sky towards Surrey to meet Dumbledore and plead Sirius’s innocence.
He wonders now how things would have turned out if he had left Harry with Remus that night and gone after Peter. Would he be in Azkaban as Remus feared or would things have worked out in his favor? He supposes it doesn’t really matter what could have happened, because he’s here now and he’s got to make the best of it. Harry has to go back to the Dursley’s tomorrow as per Dumbledore’s orders and he should enjoy the time he has left with him. Hopefully someday soon he’ll be able to gain full custody of the boy, but for now Dumbledore is insisting on the blood protection Lily’s sister provides.
Sighing, Sirius lifts himself slowly from the chair and moves across the room to stare down at his ragtag little family. He made a promise when he agreed to be Harry’s godfather and he’ll be damned if he’s not going to keep it. He can do that much for James at least.
Taking out his wand, Sirius quietly enlarges the sofa his family is sleeping on and lays down with them. Wrapping a protective arm around them, he sleeps. This might not be where he intended to be, but it’s where he needs to be and he’s glad it’s where he ended up.
Author:
llpotterWritten for:
cherrybrandy370Rating: PG-13 for a tiny bit of swearing
Prompt: (2) Family (blood or friends)
(3) this quote "i may not have gone where i intended to go, but i think i have ended up where i needed to be" by douglas adams (wrote hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy)
Summary: AU. On a quiet Christmas evening, Sirius reflects.
Any other notes, warnings, etc.: Thanks a million to
lesyeuxverts00 for the beta! Oh, and it's a tad bit angsty in case you're looking to avoid that sort of thing. A fire crackles merrily in the hearth, illuminating the contents of the small room. In an armchair near the fire, Sirius Black sits surveying the scene. At his feet lies the carnage of wrapping paper and ribbons and spell-o-tape. Across the room, Remus lies fast asleep with a tousle haired baby on his chest. The sheer normalcy of the scene strikes Sirius as strange because this Christmas is about as far from normal as they come.
He still can’t believe they’re dead. How could they possibly be dead when they’re smiling at him from their place of honor on the mantel? How can they be dead when he can hear James’s laughter still ringing in his ears and see Lily’s vibrant smile? They’re not dead. He’s simply babysitting with Remus while they take some time off. Soon they’ll come take Harry home and he’ll lure Remus off into the bedroom and everything will be right with the world.
He can’t make himself believe this fantasy though; too much has happened for it to not be all sickeningly real. Sirius stares broodingly into the fire, letting the memories wash over him for the first time since Halloween. He tells himself it’s because he’s been too busy, what with the trials and Harry and trying to pick up the pieces with Remus. Maybe it’s true too. He hasn’t been too afraid to let go of the protection that lack of feeling offers. He’s simply been too busy to mourn his best friend, his brother in all but blood. Maybe if he tells himself enough it’ll even become the truth.
Now it’s time. Sitting here with their son on a holiday that’s supposed to be all about family, he can’t restrain it anymore and the floodgate comes tumbling down.
He starts at Hogwarts, because that’s where it all began after all, and it’s better to remember them that way. James belonged on the Quidditch pitch or executing a prank, not dead in the burning ruins of his home. Lily belonged in a classroom or patrolling the halls with her Head Girl Badge gleaming in the dim light, not crumpled in front of a crib with her son screaming for her in vain.
As much as Sirius would like to stay in the comfort of the old castle, he can’t. The time will come when he will be able to think of them young and alive without their cold, lifeless forms swimming to the forefront, but now is not that time. Now is the time for the past year and everything that went wrong. It hurts like hell, but he can’t stop it now.
All the stupid fights come back. Every word he hurled at Remus in those hateful, hazy days of the summer, every accusing look and every stony silence. The silence was the worst. It was in the silences that he filled in the details of the secret life he imagined Remus was living. It was in the silences that he allowed Peter to drip poison in his ears and into his heart. It was the silences that killed James, murdered Lily, and orphaned Harry.
It was the silences that led to that horrible, horrible Halloween night when the world fell apart. He had gone to check on Peter because something felt wrong. Before he left, he had told Remus where he was going, something he hadn’t done in months, and maybe it was that moment of consideration that saved him later. Peter wasn’t there, of course. He was long gone, off to join his master in what he assumed would be a celebration. It was in Peter’s empty apartment that the knowledge of where James and Lily’s house was suddenly jolted back into his brain and he knew just how much he’d fucked up in trusting Peter.
Sirius doesn’t remember how he got to Godric’s Hollow, although he assumes he rode the motorbike since he had it later in the evening. All he remembers is running into the ruins and seeing James and the horrifying knowledge that he would never awaken again. Time slowed down for those few seconds of realization and then sped up again in a rush of fire and pain and crying from down the caved in hallway. It was the crying that brought him back and he lurched off towards the nursery with his heart in his throat.
Harry. He didn’t know why and he didn’t know how, but Harry was still alive and he had to get to him. Sirius doesn’t know how long he sat there in the destroyed room cradling his godson, but he was startled out of it by Remus’s voice.
“How could you?” He stood in what was left of the doorway, soot and tears on his face and rage in his eyes.
“Remus,” Sirius started, “I… it wasn’t…”
“Your best friend, Sirius, your brother.”
“It wasn’t me Remus. You’ve got to believe me. I would die before I hurt them. We switched, Peter and I, we switched….it was the perfect plan, no one would ever suspect… Oh Merlin, Moony what have I done?”
Sirius still doesn’t know why Remus believed him, although Remus later told him it was utter despair in his voice that told Remus he was telling the truth.
“Come on,” Remus said eventually, “we’ve got to go to Dumbledore.”
“What? No, I’m going to find him Remus. I’m going to find the little rat and make him pay for this. Take Harry and make sure he’s safe.”
“No, Sirius, Padfoot, think about it. Everyone thinks you were the Secret Keeper and then you kill Peter as well? You’ll be shipped off to Azkaban, probably without a trial, and where will that leave Harry?”
“You can tell them I’m innocent Remus.”
“Why would they believe me? I’m a werewolf Sirius. Werewolves aren’t exactly known for their trustworthiness. You of all people should know that.”
“Remus that’s not fair. We can’t let him get away!”
“It’s your decision Sirius and I’ll stand behind you whatever it may be, but think about it. Would James have wanted you to be convicted of murder or would he have wanted you to take care of his son like you vowed to when you became his godfather?”
Hagrid showed up then and Sirius never got the chance to respond, although he supposes Remus got his answer as they sailed off through the sky towards Surrey to meet Dumbledore and plead Sirius’s innocence.
He wonders now how things would have turned out if he had left Harry with Remus that night and gone after Peter. Would he be in Azkaban as Remus feared or would things have worked out in his favor? He supposes it doesn’t really matter what could have happened, because he’s here now and he’s got to make the best of it. Harry has to go back to the Dursley’s tomorrow as per Dumbledore’s orders and he should enjoy the time he has left with him. Hopefully someday soon he’ll be able to gain full custody of the boy, but for now Dumbledore is insisting on the blood protection Lily’s sister provides.
Sighing, Sirius lifts himself slowly from the chair and moves across the room to stare down at his ragtag little family. He made a promise when he agreed to be Harry’s godfather and he’ll be damned if he’s not going to keep it. He can do that much for James at least.
Taking out his wand, Sirius quietly enlarges the sofa his family is sleeping on and lays down with them. Wrapping a protective arm around them, he sleeps. This might not be where he intended to be, but it’s where he needs to be and he’s glad it’s where he ended up.
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