small_gifts | Fic: Christmas 101 for TPants (Reply)

Title: Christmas 101
Author/Artist:

jepierre
Recipient: TPants
Rating:M
Contents or warnings: *None
Word count:2837
Summary:When James informs Remus and Sirius that Christmas dinner will be entirely Muggle, Remus finds the professor within him and attempts to teach Sirius as much as he can about Muggle traditions.
Notes:A huge thank you to my beta SandraSempra and to the admins of this fest for allowing me to be involved. A huge amount of love to Arty for the amazing prompt, thank you so much.

Sirius rose on the morning of Christmas Eve to a stern-faced Remus Lupin — a sight that never usually graced the land. The look began a series of worrying thoughts in his mind: What had he done? What had he failed to do? Had he forgotten something of importance for Remus? It turned out it was none of those things; it was far worse.

“You are about to go to a Christmas dinner cooked entirely the Muggle way by a woman more stressed than she was during NEWTs. And that, my furry boyfriend, is saying a lot.” Remus gestured for him to sit down, the arrangement reminding him of an interrogation. “Today, I am going to teach you Christmas 101.”

He groaned. “But we finished school months ago,” Sirius whined.

Remus moved his hand over their kitchen table, the pad of his thumb running over a small moon-crescent Sirius had gotten a few weeks ago. “If we are going to survive this, you need to be able to blend in with Mr and Mrs Evans.”

“Wait, what?”

He watched him slowly nod. “Prongs owled this morning.”

Sirius thrust his head into their hallway’s fireplace as quickly as he could, flinging the wards up as he Floo-called the newly-married Potters. Before Sirius could pace the hallway, James had come through, looking just as dishevelled as ever.

After a frantic few minutes of light punching and “You told us in an owl”, Sirius and James were sat on the floor near the fireplace.

"So, let me get this straight. You, James Charlus Potter, are going to prepare the entirety of Christmas dinner with Lily, the Muggle way?"

James frowned as he tilted his head from side to side, his usual thinking face. "Yes!" His hand raised, with a pointed finger, adding to his excitement.

"So you, James Charlus Potter, who doesn't lift a finger in his own home, is going to cook food? Do you even know how to do that the wizard way, never mind the Muggle way?"

Sirius folded his arms, watching the glint in James' eye fade to near nothing. James began to pull his bottom lip, his eyes becoming unfocused as he gazed off, and if Sirius didn't know him as well as he did, he wouldn't have recognised the sweat building on his brow just above his glasses.

"Pads, I'm fucked."

Smirking, Sirius slapped James on the shoulder. "Yes my four-hooved friend, yes you are. Why are you even doing this?”

For a moment, silence filled the air between them, and not even Remus’ banging around in their kitchen could diffuse it.

“You love Moony, right?” James asked, and Sirius nodded. “You’d do anything for him? Well this, to Lily, is anything. Me being a husband and cooking for her parents so they don’t think I’m some sort of freak like her sister says I am. That’s…that’s her anything. And, I wanna give her that Pads. I mean, I’m scared out of my bollocks, but I love her man.”

Sirius released a groan as he dropped his head, his chin meeting his chest. “You being a soppy fuck has really messed with my plans to have Moony singing all the carols of Christmas.”

“Firstly, ew.” James protested as he struggled to stand before pulling Sirius up. “Secondly, how? How have I fucked up your plans to fuck my mate?”

He placed his hand on James’ shoulder. “Firstly, not ew, yes! Yes, my friends are glorious, sickeningly in love. Secondly, mate. You’re my brother, so of course, I owe you that bloody anything bullshit too. So now, instead of defiling the flat with Christmas merriment, I have to go learn about Muggle traditions in case we look like ignorant fucks.”

James, who had always been into showing affection, gripped Sirius into a death-like hug. “See you on the other side bro.” Sirius wrapped his arms around him, patting him on the back. “I bet you five galleons I know more Muggle than you.”

The two of them let go, separating. “You are so on, you antler loving fool. Merry fucking Christmas.” The two shook hands as James winked.

It may have been suspicious to bound back into the kitchen full of energy and fibre that had been lacking before. Remus, if suspiciously, only cocked his brow and began arranging several postcards before him as Sirius sunk into the chair again.

“So. First off, Santa Claus.”

A postcard with a red-cheeked, red suit wearing man with a beard to rival Dumbledore’s fell before him. While Sirius was utterly used to non-moving pictures, the feel of a postcard felt unnatural.

“Santa Claus rides a sleigh on Christmas Eve, goes down the chimneys of the good boys and girls, delivers their presents all in one night—“

Sirius slammed the postcard down. “Bull-shit! Without magic? You are having a laugh, Moony!”

Remus shrugged. “I’m just telling you what they believe.”

“So, a man with a beard? In a red suit, that looks like velvet, delivers presents to good children down a chimney?” Sirius exclaimed sarcastically. “Why doesn’t he just use the front door? You know, give a cheeky knock and go, ‘Ayup mate, mind if I drop these off’. It makes no sense.”

For a second, neither reacted. The air thick with anxious deliberation until Remus burst into laughter, his eyes glittering like green crystals, joy all over his face and the sweet sound of his laughter painting the room.

“Ayup mate?” Remus laughed.

“What?” Sirius said, struggling to contain a serious face as he felt himself give into the contagious reaction. “It’s mental!”

Remus shook his head before wiping away the tears. “I’m just going to move on. I know you know trees and decorations, but most people always have an angel or a star or a—“

Sirius wiggled his eyebrows, “A star you say?”

“Yes. A star or Jesus. Now before you interrupt, Jesus, in some religions — not all — is the son of God. Now, I’m not sure if the Evans are religious, but it’s worth knowing a little about him. So in Bethlehem…”

He didn’t even care if it was obvious he had switched off as his eyes glazed over; his mind imagining Remus’ hair wet, their bodies together in the shower experiencing the Christmas Eve Sirius had planned. If not for the occasional glances at the clock, Sirius wouldn’t have believed that Remus spent thirty-five minutes talking about a woman named Mary, who was nothing like McDonald, and a man named Joseph. The wannabe-Professor within had really come out in force today.

The only reason Remus gave up on his educational hype was because Sirius asked if a dog was there for the birth of Jesus — to which Remus hissed.

“Next?” Sirius suggested, and Remus got up from his chair and turned to make a cup of tea using extremely aggressive wand movements.

Snow began to fall outside, and while Sirius had attempted to give Remus a special rendition of Ye Ol’ Hippogriff, it wasn’t until he showed feigned interest in gingerbread men.

“They’re everything Christmas. My mum used to make them so much,” Remus had grinned, pulling ingredients from the cupboards.

The idea of a baking, dough covered Remus was such an exciting thought to Sirius, it took all his energy not to throw the werewolf over his shoulder and defile their table. The joy that covered his face at the prospect or gifted sweet treats was one that occasionally made Sirius jealous.

“I think we should make them the Muggle way.”

“Okay,” Sirius shrugged. “Doesn’t seem that hard.”

Sirius underestimated gingerbread men. If it wasn’t difficult enough to make the mixture, having to cut the little bleeders and move them to a tray had proved most difficult. Remus had needed to wrestle Sirius’ wand off him so many times that it had been banned from him, and when the buggers finally ended up in the oven, Sirius was beyond tired.

“I got you a Muggle gift,” Remus smirked, handing him a box.

He smirked. “Of course you did.” Taking the box, staring at the various windows with numbers on them all mixed up, with a snowy backdrop. “And this wonderful thing is…?”

Remus sunk into his chair. “This is an advent calendar. I never really had one as a child, my mum did make me one though. But, children open the window every day, starting with the first of December all to help countdown to Christmas.”

Sirius turned it around, feeling the thinness of the box and hearing the sound of things moving inside. It took him a few seconds to locate number one, and with ease, he popped open the window. The treat, however, was not a treat at all for him.

“You look disappointed…” Remus said softly.

He placed the box down on the table slowly, taking a deep breath. “Okay. I need to tell you something. And in the good will of the season, and the fact I love you is what you need to remember. And that, I’m fine. Okay?”

“Sirius…”

He held his hand up before urging a Remus to place his palm on his. “I cannot eat the advent, while the offer is nice. And this is a little my fault because I lied…” he met Remus’ eyes, pausing as he psyched himself up. “I’m allergic to chocolate—“

“You’re what!?”

“Okay, calm down—“

Remus let go of his hand. “Sirius! I could have… You could have died! I could have killed you—“

Sirius leaned forward, tugging Remus back to him as he reconnected their hands. “Moony. I’m fine, and it’s not that serious unless I ingest it myself. Okay? And I don’t eat it—“

Remus glared. “I gave you chocolate for your last three birthdays!”

“And I handed them back for yours! Look. Okay? Continue being a professor for me, and just, forgive me.”

“Forgive you?” Remus said astonished. “Sirius, babe, I could have killed you. Of course, I forgive you!”

Sirius smiled, standing up and moving over to Remus before pressing his lips to his. He felt his heart flutter in his chest, the need to trace his tongue over the soft lips of his boyfriend. A beeping sound interrupted them getting much further, and as Sirius brushed a strand of a curl behind Remus’ ear, he stared into the orbs that made him always want to be better.

“You, my Moony, are the only sweet, chocolate flavoured thing I need.” Remus groaned as he moved past Sirius, who smirked proudly. “What? I assume the amount you eat it’s nine-tenths of your body.”

With a plate of gingerbread men, Christmas tree shaped cookies, and eggnog — which Sirius had found to be the most disgusting thing and wondered what on Earth was wrong with Muggles — the two sat before the television.

“Are you ready for a Muggle classic?” Remus asked, his hips wiggling as he showed the DVD in his hands.

“Home Alone? A horror?”

Remus glared. “No, silly. It’s about a kid who gets left at home and he fakes his family being there so he doesn’t get robbed.”

Sirius bit his lip as he tried to contain his laughter. “Muggles are sick. Like truly, damaged in the heads.”

Sirius sat curled into the sofa, attempting to hide the tears in his eyes, as he bit back the emotions from watching a set of parents excitedly reunited with their son.The guilt coming from Remus was stifling, and Sirius had faked him being okay four times before he finally burst into tears. Remus vanished from the room quickly, and Sirius allowed the tears to flow knowing that tissues would be on their way.

When Remus did return, he was clutching something that wasn’t reminiscent of a tissue at all, but rather a large sock.

“Remus…”

“Just, give me one second. Okay? So, another Muggle tradition is stockings. Every child gets one, and, well, me and Lily didn’t think you’d ever had one. So.”

Sirius took it, feeling the softness and the oddly shaped stocking from the things inside. He stared at it, rotating it until he saw, in big bold, knitted letters: Sirius, with a little black dog beside his name.

“I wanted you to have something all yours,” Remus smiled. With all the emotions produced by the film combined with all the thoughtfulness, caused him to lunge at his boyfriend and take him to the floor.

Their lips met with a fiery passion Sirius had assumed the educating lesson had stifled earlier. Their bodies moulded together, their hips grinding against the other’s for friction; the need to feel and relieve some of the tension they clearly were experiencing. Even as they got lost in the carpet of their flat, the music from the television with the rolling credits, Sirius could feel Remus holding back. He attempted to ignore it, but when he pried open Remus’ lips with his tongue, he felt like everything was different.

“I swear to Jesus, gingerbread men and Santa if you’re about to tell me another tradition I’m going to Flipendo you!” Sirius hissed.

Remus shook his head, leaning up on his elbows as Sirius sat back on his knees. He watched with tentative breath as Remus slipped his hand inside of the stocking, slowly pulling out a box that somehow sent a message to Sirius’ heart begging it to stop.

No. No. No. No.

It was all Sirius could think of, and as Remus shuffled to be on his knees also, he knew there was little he could do to stop this train from running on the tracks.

“Sirius Orion Black, would you help make a tradition of our own, and do me the honour of marrying—“

“Moony, Stop!” Sirius hissed, his hand covering the box before Remus could open it, devastation flooding the pale, scarred face staring at him. “Not because, oh you’re a fucking idiot.” Sirius twisted his wrist, summoning a present from under the tree and catching it with more ease than a Seeker. “You, Remus Lupin, are too bloody organised, and I just bloody hope that we didn’t—“

“You bought a ring, too?”

Sirius slowly smiled, his cheeks burning with love and embarrassment. “Moony. This is our second Christmas out of Hogwarts. I’ve been with you for four years, and they’ve been the best fucking four years of my life!”

“You’ve been the best thing in my life—“ Remus began, his eyes having started to well up.

“Marry me too. Be my official everything.”

Remus wiped a tear that had fallen, the water glistening over the deep, pale scar from his childhood. “Only if you marry me.”

“Yes,” Sirius whispered, almost breathless with emotion.

“Yes,” Remus said just as quickly.

The two of them had curled up on the sofa in matching Christmas PJ’s Lily had sent over. The wrapping paper from their presents littered the floor after the two of them had gone on a mass-present opening. Sirius had needed to celebrate, it had churned inside and forced all restraints to pass. When his eyes fell on a particularly special bottle of Christmas lube, that had been wrapped under the tree, Sirius' eyes widen with mischief.

Spent, sated and smiling, the two curled up, matching rings as they watched A Christmas Carol, another film Muggles adored, and Sirius couldn’t understand.

When tiredness had eventually threatened to kidnap them, they shuffled off to bed, falling against the sheets and cuddled for warmth.

“Is it a tradition to freeze on Christmas Eve?” Sirius eventually asked, feeling and hearing Remus’ teeth chatter beside him.

“No, why?”

“Cast a bloody warming charm then!”

Remus tutted, but soon enough a warm sensation flooded over them, and Sirius curled against his fiancé with want and not need. For minutes they lay there, content and happy with the smell of baked goods mixing in the air.

They eventually parted, with Sirius turning on his side and moving his back to Remus as he stared at his hand, shuffling again onto his back to look at it in a better light. Even Remus’ groan at his fidgeting couldn’t ruin his mood.

“Moony?” Sirius whispered, his eyes staring up at the ceiling of their bedroom as his hand shimmered in the lack of light. The reflection of flecks of falling snow bounced off the shiny band, even with the curtains closed.

“Yeah?”

Sirius smirked, rolling onto his side as he met the smiling and content face of a Christmas-Remus.

“Reindeers are Muggle stags aren’t they?”

Remus’ eyes widened. “Oh no.”

He began to smirk proudly. “So. A red nose and that would make Prongs, Rudolf?”

“No! Sirius, you can’t.”

“Well he does owe us an engagement present,” Sirius smirked.

Remus sighed heavily. “Muggles, Remember?”

“They know about magic, silly,” Sirius smirked as he shuffled over, pressing a soft but purposeful kiss onto Remus’ lips as he nipped his bottom lip. “Ready to watch a real-life Muggle tradition come to life?”

“You can’t!”

Sirius tilted his head. “Watch me, hubby.”