at the time i was also a closeted trans gay boy and struggling with it because at the time i also didn't know that gender could be fluid + i was dealing with a lot of the 'compulsory heterosexuality' that comes with being socialised as a woman etc etc.
When people talk about literature being meaningful (or, as part of that discussion, complain about how no one reads anymore)
exhibit A is like what you said here:
i suddenly had access to all kinds of queer stories, made friends (all of whom turned out to be queer), unlearned a lot of toxic bullshit (not all at once, mind), and also, over time, managed to slot the pieces of my identity together in a way that made sense, and that i'm comfortable with.
Like, you got that from LITERATURE. And of course the community and friendships that go with fanfic; the fandom itself. But there is no fandom without the stories. Stories are so powerful. I'm 20 years older than you but had a really similar experience a couple of years ago, where entering fandom made me realize how starved I was for queer narrative and queer community and queer self-recognition...all of which I had really lost for a while there. Finding it again involved changing some things about my physical presentation in the world and making a much more concerted effort to be OUT and not just "out." And like you said, I managed to slot pieces of my identity together in a way that made...more sense, if not perfect sense.
I forget which famous writer said these wise words: "A first novel is like a first pancake. You have to throw it out." Onward!
no subject
When people talk about literature being meaningful (or, as part of that discussion, complain about how no one reads anymore)
exhibit A is like what you said here:
Like, you got that from LITERATURE. And of course the community and friendships that go with fanfic; the fandom itself. But there is no fandom without the stories. Stories are so powerful. I'm 20 years older than you but had a really similar experience a couple of years ago, where entering fandom made me realize how starved I was for queer narrative and queer community and queer self-recognition...all of which I had really lost for a while there. Finding it again involved changing some things about my physical presentation in the world and making a much more concerted effort to be OUT and not just "out." And like you said, I managed to slot pieces of my identity together in a way that made...more sense, if not perfect sense.
I forget which famous writer said these wise words: "A first novel is like a first pancake. You have to throw it out." Onward!