FIC: Next the Walls Were Closed On Me for imnotjkr

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Title:Next the Walls Were Closed On Me

Author/Artist: lls_mutant

Recipient: imnotjkr

Rating: PG

Contents or warnings (highlight to view): none

Word count: 4800

Summary:Stuck back in his childhood home, Sirius finds ways to cope.




Sirius took a deep breath, and performed the series of spells that would make his childhood home appear before him and unlock. He couldn't decide if he was relieved or disappointed that they worked. Maybe a little of both. He glanced at Remus out of the corner of his eye. "You look let down."

"Not let down. I just expected something a little different." Remus was eyeing up the house that had appeared between two others. "It still shocks me that your parents, of all people, would choose to live amongst Muggles."

"Are you kidding? Moving out of the city would be allowing inferiors to push them out of their rightful place." Sirius snorted. "Come on. Let's get this over with."

He didn't want to enter that house. Not only was it a past he'd tried to flee long ago, but it was another prison sentence. And not that much different from Azkaban, with his own personal dementors. He felt Remus's eyes on him and lifted his chin. "Well, come on. Let's go."

***

"It's not as bad as I thought it would be," Remus said as they climbed the stairs.

"Bullshit. It's every bit as bad as you thought it would be. Maybe even worse. After all, you never met my dear old mother, did you?"

"She really looked like that?" Remus shuddered. "I mean, I hate to ask, but how old was she when you were concie-"

"Don't." Sirius stopped on the steps.

Remus turned. "Don't what?"

"Don't make me even think about my parents having sex." Sirius's (mostly) mock shudder outdid Remus's by a long shot.

"I've got news for you Padfoot. I'm pretty sure that old yarn about the stork is true in your case. Because there is no way you came from her. No way." There was a spark in Remus's eye, one that brought back a thousand memories. Sirius's laugh came easily, and Remus's smile widened. "Come on," Remus said, starting up the stairs again. "Let's see it all."

They reached the top of the stairs. Sirius didn't even glance at Regulus's bedroom, but made straight for his own. "I haven't been inside in close to twenty years," he said.

"Merlin, has it been that long?"

"I wonder if…" Sirius trailed off, not willing to finish vocalizing his thought. He opened the door, and a blast of memories hit him full in the face so that he had to take a step back, overwhelmed. Remus took that for a gesture of welcome, and stepped inside first. As he did, he burst into laughter. "What?" Sirius asked, vaguely offended.

Remus gestured vaguely at the walls, all of which bore posters of girls on motorcycles. "It's not what I expected, and yet, so very you."

"Huh? Why is it not what you expected?" Sirius studied the dusty posters. "Muggles. Motorcycles."

"Girls."

"Oh." To his horror, Sirius felt himself blushing. He tried to brush it off. "I didn't know you knew about that."

Remus's face turned serious. "I knew. We all did."

"Really?" He'd known James did, but Peter was a surprise. Not that it should have been, after what Peter had obviously observed and done… Sirius scowled.

Remus put his hands up, obviously thinking Sirius was becoming defensive. "It's not like that, Sirius."

"Huh? Oh, sorry. No. I know." He didn't know- he'd kept his mouth shut for a reason after all, not sure of how Peter or Remus or even James if pushed would react. But Remus seemed worried that Sirius would be upset at him, and Sirius really didn't feel like a fight. Not with Remus, anyway.

Remus was still watching him with concern. "Are you all right?"

Sirius pulled himself together. "As all right as I'll be in this junk heap," he said, and was relieved to hear the growl in his voice. Remus seemed to relax, too, and turned back to the room.

"You're going to stay in here, right?" Sirius nodded, and Remus didn't look surprised. "Well then, we'd better find a room for me."

"For you?"

"I said I'd stay with you."

"I know you did." Sirius looked around. "There's room in here."

Remus looked around again, too. "The room is big enough, but there's not enough space for a cot, much less…. Oh." He turned back to Sirius slowly. "You're still having trouble sleeping, aren't you?"

Sirius looked away. An old picture caught his eye, one of him, James, Remus and Peter. Scowling, he stalked over and tried to take it down. But the Sticking Charm he'd put on the back was too strong. "Bastard," he growled, glaring at Peter, who skittered out from under his gaze, trying to escape the photograph. "If I'd just thought-"

"Sirius-"

The guilt threatened to overwhelm him, and the only way Sirius could deal with it was turn it to anger. He fumbled for his wand and tried to blast the wall, but the picture remained steadfastedly stuck.

"Sirius." Remus's hand was on his, cool and smooth and calming. Sirius took a deep breath, trying to get himself back under control. It was easier with Remus's hand on his, steadying him, and gradually his breathing evened out again.

"It is a big bed," Remus said finally. "And I'm not so sure I want to sleep alone in this place anyway. I suspect guests of my sort wouldn't be smiled upon by the previous owners."

"Probably not." Sirius's voice almost sounded normal over the thudding of blood in his ears.

"Well, then. I guess I'll stay in here. Okay?" Remus let go and stepped back, looking anxious as though he expected Sirius to blow up again. Sirius wasn't sure if he would or not himself, but after a moment of nothing happening, he finally trusted himself to speak.

"Yeah. Yeah, that would be fine."

***

Sirius was a man grown who had spent the past thirteen years wrapped in nightmares, but he was still grateful that he did not have to spend the first night in this house alone. Remus slept all the way over on the other side of the bed, almost as if he was afraid to touch Sirius in sleep, but his even breathing and the way the mattress shifted as he turned were comforting. It made Sirius feel less alone.

It wasn't the first time they'd shared a bed. But all of those other times Sirius had been in the form of a big black dog, and that really wasn't quite the same thing. It also wasn't the first time he'd wanted to share a bed with Remus. He'd even almost suggested it, back in the day. He'd wanted to, badly. But it wasn't the time or the place, and while normally that wouldn't stop Sirius Black, war was enough to stop anyone. There were enough problems, he'd reasoned, without adding a potentially failed and most definitely controversial relationship to them. Besides, he'd had the suspicion Remus would reject him. Not that Remus was in the habit of saying 'no' to anything he or James wanted- a fact they shamelessly took advantage of- but again, this was different.

Now, lying here in the darkness beside Remus, Sirius could change into a dog if he wanted to. In fact, it might make things more comfortable for Remus. But it felt dishonest in a way that Sirius couldn't define. So he stayed awake, staring at the ceiling and wondering what would have happened if he'd asked that question all those years ago.

Wondering if he wanted to ask that question now.

***

"You have to understand, it's not that I'm used to the idea," Remus said, entering the kitchen, his hair still rumpled from sleep. "But isn't there a house elf around who's supposed to be doing that?"

Sirius was standing over the oven, frying eggs. "Wouldn't trust the little bugger," he said. "He'd probably poison me."

"I thought house elves were devoted to their masters." Remus yawned.

"And so he is. But you have to remember, my parents were his true masters, not me. Which means…" Sirius brandished the spatula wildly.

"Your parents wouldn't have poisoned you, Padfoot."

"Only because they might have been caught." Remus frowned, but Sirius ignored him. Even after seeing this house, Remus didn't truly know. "Did you sleep all right?"

"As well as could be expected," Remus said, which clearly meant no. "What about you?"

"The same. Do you like your eggs sunny-side-up or scrambled?"

"I don't care." Remus watched him silently for a moment. "I didn't know you could cook."

"Lived on my own for a few years."

"I know. I remember a great deal of take-away boxes."

"Sure, for dinner. But I can handle breakfast. You know, if you want to make yourself useful, I think there's a few rashers of bacon."

Remus checked. "There are." He pulled them out, and Sirius handed him a pan. The stove was large, but not so large that they could stand far apart. Remus's arm brushed against Sirius's as he set to frying the bacon. "If I actually have a choice, I'll take them sunny-side-up."

"You don't trust me?"

"Not when it comes to breaking yolks." Remus smiled.

"That hurts, Moony. That really hurts."

Remus laughed, and he suddenly seemed so much closer. Later, Sirius realized that that question should have hurt them both, because a lack of trust was exactly what had brought their present sorry situations about. But it didn't, and maybe that was what healing was. Or close enough, anyway.

And close enough was as good as Sirius was going to get.

***

They slept beside each other again that night, and the night after that. Not really beside each other- the bed was big and there must have been two or three feet of untouched mattress between them. But it was the same bed, and Sirius felt like something had shifted between them.

Ever since he and Remus had been reunited, there had been a distance between them. They'd been over the events, they'd said the words. They'd both apologized, there had been tears, there had been arguments, there had been accusations and there had been forgiveness. And like it or not, there had been the distance of fourteen years. It wasn't just that the world that had moved on as Sirius had been locked in Azkaban- Remus had moved on. It was overwhelming.

Sharing a bed was a small thing in reality, but it was something he'd never done before, with anyone. It forced a sense of intimacy, and while on some level Sirius knew it was artificial, the appearance of it was enough to foster the real thing. Slowly, the space between them shortened until finally, the closeness became real. It wasn't the same as it had been all those years ago, but it was a bridge and a touchstone, and that was enough to start building.

In the two weeks that they stayed at Sirius's home, they were able to evolve something of a routine. Not a strict one, but they always made breakfast together and they always sat down for dinner together. It was like a family, in a way. And when they went to bed, with Sirius on one side and Remus on the other, the three feet between them seemed a little smaller each night.

***

It couldn't last forever, of course, and in many ways Sirius was glad. Dumbledore broke their isolation with the Order of the Phoenix descending on them, which meant life and laughter and most of all, action. Sirius seized on his role eagerly, ready to do something for the Order.

No.

That was the resounding answer that Dumbledore gave him any time Sirius volunteered to do something. No, no, no. It was too dangerous. It was too risky. Sirius needed to keep safe for Harry.

"Too dangerous and too risky," Sirius groused to Remus late one night after the Order had left and they were getting ready for bed. "He means I'm too dangerous and risky."

"He doesn't mean that, Padfoot," Remus said, shrugging off his robe and folding it neatly. "You know Peter would recognize you."

"Peter." Sirius practically spat the name. "Like Peter will venture out of whatever safe little hidey hole he's constructed for himself this time."

"He has Voldemort's protection," Remus said. "And Voldemort's orders. I daresay Peter may very well be in more action than he would care to be."

"Yeah? That'll serve him right." Sirius grinned wolfishly. "Remember that time when Dumbledore sent the four of us to track down that gang of Deatheaters in Wales? We practically had to drag Peter from that fleabag motel we stayed at."

Remus chuckled dryly. "I'm betting the marks his fingernails made are still on the floor."

"Fucking coward," Sirius growled with a vicious sort of glee. "Always the first one to run from a fight. 'I'll go get backup' or 'I'll secure the escape route.' We should have seen it from the start."

Remus flicked him a glance and the words turned cold in Sirius's mouth. "Moony, I didn't mean-"

"No. You were right." Remus took a deep breath, recovering his composure. "We should have seen it. We've both made our mistakes, Sirius, and it's late. Let's not go down that path tonight."

Sirius nodded and slid under the covers. Remus disappeared into the bathroom for a few moments, and Sirius began drifting off as he waited. Strange how exhausting doing nothing could be….

The nightmare was a familiar one, with Peter at the forefront. Peter attacking Harry and Sirius unable to help, Peter attacking Remus as Sirius stood beside him, denying it was happening. The dream was exaggerated and vague, and left him sitting up in the now-darkened room, gasping for breath and drenched in a cold sweat.

Sirius looked over to the other side of the bed; Remus did not seem to have moved. Still, just seeing him there helped Sirius reorient himself with reality, and his heart rate began to return to normal. His breathing slowed, and he began to realize how bad a state his pajamas were in.

He decided to take a shower. The water would wake him up, but he knew from experience that waking up would be better than trying to go back to sleep. If he tried to sleep now, the dream would pick up right where it left off. He slid out of bed and padded over to the bathroom. He took his time in the shower, letting the hot water run over his hair as well as his body.

Remus was awake when he returned. "Sorry," Sirius said sheepishly. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah. Bad dream." Sirius tried to wave it off.

Remus didn't look so convinced. "Is there anything I can do?"

Well, yes. Sirius found himself imagining slipping back into bed and into Remus's arms, laying his head on Remus's shoulder. Listening to Remus's heartbeat through his chest.

"Sirius?"

Sirius blinked, and jolted out of his thoughts and to the present. Remus was still watching him with concern etched all over his face. "I'm…" he rubbed his hands over his face. "I'm here."

"We can talk about it. That's why you asked me to stay in here, if you remember. I know you've been having trouble at night."

"I know." Sirius flopped down on the bed, trying to appear casual. "I just don't know that talking about it would help." Remus opened his mouth to speak, but Sirius held a hand up and overrode him. "The nightmares are pretty straightforward. Peter killing Harry, killing you… they don't need a lot of interpretation."

"No, I would suppose not." Remus picked at the rug on the bed. "You have nightmares about Peter killing me?"

"Peter, Voldemort, Second Death Eater from the Left… of course I do. You're smiling."

"Not really, no."

He was. Sirius shook his head. "Honestly, Moony, did you really think I wouldn't? Given that Dumbledore has me locked in here… it's too real a possibility. Especially with you back out with the werewolves."

"I suppose. I just… old habits die hard, I guess." Remus waved a hand. "But we're talking about you, not me. So talking about it won't help?"

"Nah. It's a matter of sorting out reality from nightmares, really. Connecting back with the here and now instead of staying in Azkaban." Despite the warmth from the shower, Sirius shuddered. Remus saw it and moved closer, reaching out a hand and laying it on Sirius's arm. Without thinking, Sirius covered it with his own. Remus's skin was warm and alive under his, and the last vestiges of the nightmare dissolved.

Remus must have felt him relax. "Does this help?" he asked quietly. "Contact?" Sirius nodded. Remus shifted. "Would it help if I slept closer?"

Sirius closed his eyes. It was exactly what he wanted, but not under this pretext. When he opened them again, Remus was still watching him, silent. Then finally, Remus lay down, space still between them, but his hand turned over so his fingers laced through Sirius's.

"That work?" he asked softly.

Sirius squeezed his hand. "That works," he managed to say. He lay back down as well, and extinguished the light. They lay beside each other, holding hands, and when sleep finally came, the nightmares were muted.

***

"It's a miserable day out," McGonagall said as she pulled on her cloak.

Sirius glanced out the window and shrugged. "All the same to me." The summer rain was heavy- a real rain, not just showers. It had been going on all day, and Sirius shuddered to think of Remus, out with the werewolves on a day like this. "It's miserable in here, too."

"I can't argue there." McGonagall glanced at the covered portrait of Sirius's mother and pressed her lips together. "How long until Remus is back?"

"Two more days."

"I see. I don't suppose you have some tea?"

"Tea? Sure. Why?"

McGonagall looked out the door. "The rain is still coming down quite hard. I would prefer to stay dry a little longer."

It was a lie, Sirius knew. Minerva McGonagall was a witch, and the rain presented absolutely no problem to her. But it was one he chose to accept as she swept past him and back to the kitchen, lighting some candles and lamps with her wand along the way. She sat down at the table again and he busied himself in the cabinets, digging out mugs and tea leaves, as well as some biscuits.

"Sorry I don't have anything better, but I can't get out so well to do the shopping. Remus always gets what's on sale, and Kreacher likes to torment me by picking up whatever he thinks I won't like."

McGonagall picked up the canister of tea leaves and made a face. "I did always find this brand to be quite bitter."

"Better than mandrake leaf though." Sirius grinned at her as he heated the kettle, and then sat down. McGonagall's eyes widened, and she began to laugh.

"I haven't thought about that in a long time."

"Blocked it out of your memory?"

"I certainly tried to. Holding a mandrake leaf in your mouth for a month is certainly one of the most difficult parts of becoming an Anima-" she broke off, frowning. "Wait a minute…"

"What?" Sirius asked innocently.

"November of your fifth year… the vow of silence…." Sirius's grin deepened. "I thought you were just doing it to annoy the professors."

"Well, that was an added bonus, yes," Sirius said with a chuckle.

"Do you have any idea how much of a nuisance that was? Your little ploy at priesthood?"

"It wasn't-"

"The charades and the writing charms and the vocalizations… you three had us all tearing our hair out. But none of it was quite against the rules. I always wondered why you didn't include Mr. Lupin in that little caper. Now I understand why."

"He was pretty mad at us," Sirius admitted. "Until he understood. He also found out about the bloodroot and Lady's Mantle reduction. James convinced him it was some sort of pheromone thing to get the girls to notice us."

"Oh no. Did Remus try-"

"He did. And ended up with some nasty boils after, because he wasn't doing the charm you had to do in the morning."

McGonagall laughed. "I know I shouldn't find that amusing, but-"

"But it really was. Not that I would ever tell Remus that." Sirius thought of his reaction, and while he didn't relish it, a little smile began to play on the corners of his lips as he thought of Remus. McGonagall said something about the transformation, and Sirius snapped his attention back to his guest.

She stayed for most of the afternoon, making for very pleasant company and bringing back some of the happiest times of Sirius's life. But after she left, Sirius was left at a loss. He wandered up to the library, picking up objects and books aimlessly. The silence echoed like a tomb, and he felt it. The recent companionship made the hole left by Remus's absence even more pronounced. He wished he could tell Remus about McGonagall's visit, laugh with him over bonding with the teacher who'd given him so many detentions, and ask him more about that year at Hogwarts.

Eventually, Sirius's stomach began to growl. Eating was still important to him- he had not forgotten what it was like to starve- but cooking had become a boring drudgery without Remus. Neverthless, he made his way downstairs, chasing Kreacher from the kitchen with a few well-placed insults and curses when he arrived. He lit some candles, but they only emphasized the cavernous room's gloom.

He was in the middle of chopping onions when he heard a noise in the hall. He exchanged his knife for his wand and charged out into the hall, ready to confront the intruder. He pulled up short when he nearly ran right into Remus.

"Merlin! Make a little noise so I know it's you, would you?" Sirius said, putting his wand away.

"I'm sorry." Remus began to undo his sodden traveling cloak, shaking the rain from his hair. "I was afraid I'd rouse your mother's portrait."

"Well, I can't say I blame you there." Sirius smiled at him, drinking him in with his eyes. Remus looked tired and strained, but he still looked good to Sirius. "You're home early."

"I know. I got what Dumbledore needed, and I couldn't stand it anymore." They made their way back to the kitchen, and Remus collapsed onto one of the benches by the table.

"Being with the werewolves?" Sirius asked sympathetically. He picked up his knife and resumed his chopping with new enthusiasm.

"Something like that." Remus looked oddly shy as he watched Sirius. "Do you need some help?"

Sirius shrugged. "If you want to." He could handle it, obviously, but he knew that Remus probably needed something to do to calm his nerves. They were alike in that respect. Sirius retrieved another cutting board from a cupboard and handed it to Remus, then dumped a pile of potatoes onto it. Remus took his spot by Sirius, close enough that their arms brushed against each other occasionally. "So how are the werewolves?" Sirius asked.

"Miserable, angry, and dangerous," Remus said. "I'm not so sure that they're convinced of my doubt in Dumbledore."

Sirius tried to ignore the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach. "You must have done a pretty good job. You're still alive."

"Fenrir Greyback wasn't there."

"Oh."

"And he won't be for another week. So I have until then. Although when I go back…" Remus let the sentence trail and shook his head. Neither of them wanted to dwell on it. "I suppose it would have convinced them more if I stayed, but I just couldn't."

"I don't blame you," Sirius said. It had occurred to him that sending Remus to face Fenrir Greyback was on the same level as locking Sirius in this house, of all places, but he didn't want to think about that. "I wouldn't, either."

Remus glanced at Sirius from the corner of his eye. "Do you think this is just about the werewolves?"

"It's not?"

Remus took a deep breath. "Sirius, can I tell you something? Without you getting mad?"

"If you were anyone else, I would say that I make no promises. But it is you, Moony."

"It's not a joke."

"Never said it was." Sirius laid down his knife and turned around, leaning against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest, ready to listen. Remus, however, stayed focus on his work.

"The twelve years that you were in Azkaban," he began, then swallowed hard to clear his throat. "They were their own kind of hell. I'm not talking about poverty or grief," he said, holding up a hand to forestall Sirius's objections. "I'm talking about you. Knowing that you were in there… not understanding why. It felt like such a personal betrayal, and at the same time, it felt like a part of me was ripped out."

Sirius bit his tongue, blinking his eyes repeatedly to dispel the tears that threatened to fall. Remus glanced quickly at his face and then back down at the potatoes, like they were the most fascinating things in the world.

"When you were freed, I thought things would be better. Well, no. They are better. But I thought that feeling- the one of a part of myself being ripped out- I thought it would go away. It didn't. You were free, you were writing to me, and yet… I still…" he shook his head.

The tiniest seed of hope began to bloom inside Sirius, ready to burst into full force if the right word was spoken.

"I missed you, Sirius. I've missed you for years. Which isn't quite right, because how can you miss what you've never even had?"

Sirius's breath stopped.

"I don't want to burden you with this, and yet, at the same time, it seems dishonest not to tell you, especially when we sleep in the same bed. So I told myself when I got back, I'd tell you. You might want to make other arrangements. I know there are lines, but I-"

Sirius lunged forward, grabbing by Remus by the arms. "Shut up a minute, will you?" He turned Remus to face him, and before he could think, he leaned in and kissed him.

Remus stiffened with surprise, and when Sirius pulled away, he was staring at him, his eyes wide and shocked. "Sirius?" he asked in a small voice that didn't sound much like himself.

"Don't apologize," Sirius said roughly. "Please. I can take a lot, but please, don't ever apologize for loving me."

"You're… you're okay with it?"

"Okay with it? God, Remus." Sirius instinctively pulled Remus closer, and Remus took an awkward step closer into the circle of Sirius's arms. "For years, I've wanted-"

"Wait. Years?" Remus practically sputtered at the thought. "Years? You've… you've…"

"Loved you for years? Something like that. Certainly for the last few months. But I didn't want to make this messier than it was. I didn't think you'd ever feel the same way."

Remus still looked stunned, but he managed to laugh. "All this time…"

"All this time." Sirius tightened his arms around Remus, and this time, Remus finally put the knife down and wrapped his arms around Sirius, as well. He was tentative at first, but as Sirius pulled him closer, Remus's confidence grew until he was holding Sirius just as firmly as Sirius was holding him. Sirius smiled, then leaned in to kiss him. This time Remus closed his eyes and kissed him back properly. They kissed for a long time, until Sirius broke away and pulled back enough to study Remus's face.

"You're smiling."

"So are you. I don't think I've seen you this happy in… well…"

"Ever," Sirius finished for him.

"An exaggeration."

"Maybe. But close enough." Sirius's stomach growled, and they pulled apart, both of them laughing and a little bit shy.

"This is something good, isn't it, Moony?" Sirius asked when they'd finished making dinner and sat down together.

"Absolutely, Padfoot." Remus smiled. "Although I still feel like it's all a dream."

"Not a dream. But speaking of dreaming…."

"I'll stay in the bed as long as you want me to, Sirius," Remus firmly backtracked. "I guess this doesn't change that."

"Not even a little?" Sirius asked.

Remus laughed. "All right. Maybe a little. But again, for the good."

Sirius smiled, then turned back to his dinner. It wasn't anything definite and there was a long way to go, but for the first time, he looked forward to going to bed that night.

And for once, no nightmares came.